Major Payne (1995)
Major Payne: Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
Alex Stone: Try it.
Major Benson Winifred Payne: [on the rained-out obstacle course] Move it, you turds! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis! You there! Tell Marlee Matlin's son to get across that rope before I hang him with it!
Major Payne: Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the boy grow up.
Emily: Excuse me, what did you say?
Major Payne: I didn't stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-mouth AND STOP BABYING HIM.
Emily: I don't call it babying, I call it nurturing.
Major Payne: And I call it neutering.
Emily: And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, edictorial, ego maniacal, frigid lunatic ASSHOLE!
Major Payne: I ain't frigid.
Emily: [She and Tiger enter Major Payne's office] Apparently he had a little accident.
Major Payne: Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Emily: Well maybe that's because he's six.
Major Payne: Because he's six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.
Major Payne: One! Don't you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you into the ground.
[after a ruse to try and get rid of him, Major Payne forces the cadets to wear dresses and march with him]
Major Payne: Got no worry, got no stress!
Cadets: Got no worry, got no stress.
Major Payne: 'Cause we feel good in a dress.
Cadets: 'Cause we feel good in a dress.
Major Payne: Major Payne's a major diss.
Cadets: Major Payne's a major diss.
Major Payne: He makes us squat when we piss.
Cadets: He makes us squat when we piss.
Major Payne: Got no worries, got no care.
Cadets: Got no worries, got no care.
Major Payne: I'm just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.
Cadets: I'm just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.
Major Payne: I tell ya, ladies, you're the prettiest cadets under my command. I oughta change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne.
Cadet Alex Stone: It's slippery!
Major Payne: Slippery he say. You think Charlie cares anything about slippery? The only thing he know is to slip your throat. What if this were a life or death situation?
Cadet Alex Stone: But it's not a life or death situation.
Major Payne: [Pulls out grenade and pulls the pin] It is now.
[Dotson and the other cadets run, clearing the assault course in several seconds in their attempt to escape. Cadet Stone stands his ground, smirking]
Cadet Alex Stone: Oh come on, it's just a dummy grenade.
[Major Payne tosses the grenade into some trees. It explodes and Stone dives into the mud]
Major Payne: Who's the dummy now?
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: [referring to all the other cadets, save Dotson] They won't let me go on a "Black Op," because I'm too little, and nobody ever lets you do anything when you're little.
Major Payne: Aw, phooey! Don't you ever read any of those stories about little people who do big things? Little Red Riding Hood! The Three Little Pigs! Spike Lee! The Little Rascals! How about the Little Engine That Could!
Major Benson Winifred Payne: [Payne has just been informed that the USMC has run out of battles for him to fight, AND has passed him over for promotion to Lieutenant Colonel] General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself?
Gen. Decker: Most blood is now shed in the halls of Congress, Payne. Guys like us are becoming dinosaurs.
Major Benson Winifred Payne: General, surely there must be SOMEBODY left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.
Gen. Decker: Sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.
Guerilla Leader: You'd better give up, senor, you cannot kill us all.
Major Payne: Nope, but I can clean your colon quicker than one of them burrito with extra guacamole sauce!
Major Payne: Maybe I like you.
Emily: Just like?
Major Payne: Maybe I like you a lot.
Emily: That's it?
Major Payne: Don't push the "maybes", baby.
Major Payne: Hello, little fella. What you had was a nightmare. You know what a nightmare is?
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: [nods head]
Major Payne: Well, that's all this is. Now, you better run on up to your room before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off!
[swings machete in front of Tiger's face]
Major Payne: My Name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer.
Cadet Deak Williams, Cadets: Booo. Boooooooooooooooo.
[Major Payne has fired warning shots in the air from his pistol for their insubordination; he slowly lowers it]
Major Payne: See what we have here is a failure to communicate.
[walks up to his cadets]
Major Payne: Do not attempt to challenge my authority. I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-discipline cadet unit. From this day forward your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or dig in your buts without my say so. Know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good.
Major Payne: Well let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you ALL something: war has made me very PARANOID! and when a man gets a eye-balling me, it makes my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill! You understand me.
Major Payne: Let's move it, you turds. You'll get no sympathy from me. You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphillis. That's where you'll find my sympathy. This ain't no walk in the park. Let's go. Hustle, hustle, hustle.
[Woliger has barely got out of the tube]
Major Payne: Hey Dumbo, you should be able to be able to fly through those tubes with the big ass ears, boy.
Cadet Dotson: Yeah Dumbo, fly baby, fly.
Major Payne: Hey Williams.
[Cadet Williams as turns around and taps the deaf kid]
Major Payne: You two Marlee Matlin son. If you don't get across that rope. I'm a hang you with it.
Cadet Dotson: He'll hang you with it.
Major Payne: Heathcoat, you get your fat body up over that wall.
Cadet Dotson: Get your fat pork body over that...
Major Payne: [to Dotson] You shut up.
[to the cadets]
Major Payne: Nobody leaving here until you can get off this wall one minute and twenty seconds.
Cadet Alex Stone: Come one, he can't do it. Leave him alone, I can barely. It's slippery out here.
Major Payne: Slippery he says. Does Charlie care about slippery? Only thing he knows is slip your throat! What if this was a life or death situation?
Cadet Alex Stone: Well it's not a life or death situation.
Major Payne: [pulls the pin from his hand grenade] It is now. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.
[the cadets scream as the bolted out the course, except for Alex]
Cadet Alex Stone: Come on, guys. What are you crazy? It's just a dummy grenade.
[Major Payne tosses the grenade and it explodes. Stone ducks as a tree falls off]
Major Payne: Who's the dummy now?
Cadet Williams: Payne's not here, he's in our ass!
Cadets: Payne's not here, he's in our ass!
Cadet Williams: Butt's so tight he can't pass gas!
Cadets: Butt's so tight he can't pass gas!
Cadet Williams: Sound off!
Cadet Williams: Sound off!
Cadet Williams: Break it on down! Break it on down!
[Starts to dance until Major Payne comes behind him]
Major Payne: You like to rhyme, boy?
Major Payne: I surprised you ain't dropped 'bout 12 puppies by now. Ain't you never been married?
Emily: Yeah, I was.
Major Payne: What happened? You terminate his command?
Emily: No, actually he left. I wanted children, he didn't.
Major Payne: Any man that'd leave you outta be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother.
Emily: Well, thank you Benson. How about you? Was there ever a Ms. Payne?
Major Payne: Negative. I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one.
Major Payne: Bleh Bleh Bleh Bleh What you laughin' at pig boy? You find a piece of candy in your pocket? What's your name Son
Heathcoat: H- Heathcoat Sir.
Major Payne: Well Heathcoat, we're gonna make some room for dinner. Drop down and give me 25 crunches. Count 'em out real loud
Heathcoat: One Sir...
Major Payne: One Tubby Tubby Tubby!
Heathcoat: Two Sir...
Major Payne: Two Chubby Chubby Chubby!
Major Payne: You're still a shit sandwich. You're just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: Major Payne! I have to go to the bathroom.
Major Payne: You hold it, turd!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: I can't!
Major Payne: You hold it or else I'll break it off and kick it around on the ground!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: Major Payne!
Major Payne: What, boy? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: I had an accident.
[He had peed down the front of his pants]
Major Payne: You nasty little worm. Go change your Huggies, boy!
Major Payne: You eye me one more time I'll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag!
Major Payne: What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?
Woliger: No, sir.
Major Payne: Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry.
[Major Payne after noticing the big biker]
Major Payne: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?
Emily: He's trying to show you some affection.
Major Payne: I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.
Major Payne: You like the way I handled them white folks back there?
Cadet Williams: Yeah.
Major Payne: You like a black man to handle things?
Cadet Williams: Malcolm X.
Major Payne: Let me tell you something... I AM NOT YOUR DAMN BROTHER!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn: Major Payne wiped out the enemy with extreme prejudice!
Heathcoat: Why do I have to wear the dress?
Alex Stone: Because you are the one with the biggest tits!
Heathcoat: SHUT UP!
Major Payne: I guess I just had that one a comin' Well you know what ya'll got a comin'? Seven twenty-three hour days of fun and adventure. I'm gonna make you boys strong!
Emily: [as Payne is hazing the cadets by making them run around the Madison campus in drag] Major, WHAT are the boys doing in those DRESSES?
Major Benson Winifred Payne: Oh, they're just puttin' on a fashion show.
Emily: Do you really think THIS is the best way to gain the respect and admiration of these young men?
Major Benson Winifred Payne: They may not like me, but they WILL respect me.
Emily: Let me be more direct: they HATE you.
Major Benson Winifred Payne: Good. It'll draw 'em close together, make 'em a team.
Emily: That's a very cynical plan!
Major Benson Winifred Payne: Yeah, well at least it won't backfire. Besides, they started it.
Major Payne: [repeated line during the story he tells Tiger Dunn] Chooga chooga chooga chooga, chooga chooga chooga chooga... toot toot!
Major Payne: What we've got here is a failure to communicate.
Major Payne: From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.
Cadet Alex Stone: What about family and unity and all that other bullshit you said?
Major Benson Winifred Payne: I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?
[Major Payne has shaved the children bald]
Emily: Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?
Major Payne: Oh, that's my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their do... their hair-do that is. Heh,Heh,Heh.
[Major Payne yells at Cadet Fox]
Major Payne: What's your damage, muscle head? You stupid? You ignorant or are you just plain old deaf?
Woliger: Actually, sir, he is deaf.
Major Payne: Oh, thank you now drop down and give me 25 more for speaking out of line!
[back to Fox]
Major Payne: I'm sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man. I did not mean to offend you. Do you understand sign language? Can you read lips? Well if you don't answer me when I speak to you, I'm gonna put my foot in your ass, is that clear dummy?
Cadet Fox: Sir, yes sir!
Major Payne: Who's the person that got me this blood on this lip? Who's responsible? Don't all run at once. Maybe no one's responsible. I just had it comin'!
Cadet Dotson: Let's go, let's go, giddyup, let's ride!
[Makes whipcrack noise]
Alex Stone: What happened to knocking first, Dotson?
Cadet Dotson: You assholes don't need to worry about that.
Emily: Here. I want you to read this book. Read it. Apply it.
Major Payne: The ABC's Of Being A Positive Male Role Model?
Dr. Phillips: You're in charge of the green boys
Major Payne: Come again?
Dr. Phillips: The green boys... they wear those green 'tings. You know what's funny, when they stand in front of the bushes... I can't see them!
Major Benson Winifred Payne: Be advised, ladies, we are going to WIN the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on the word WIN: Whisky! India! November! GET USED TO THE SOUND OF THAT WORD!
[and later, as he's introducing the cadets to their new, off-campus quarters]
Major Benson Winifred Payne: A squad that lives together, wins together! UNITY, turds: that is the key word in UNIT, without the "Y!"
Woliger: [Sees that Alex is putting on his dress blues] Where are you going?
Alex Stone: To the games. You guys better get ready - we gotta be there in an hour.
Woliger: Alex... we don't have a chance without Payne.
Alex Stone: Listen - Payne or no *Payne,* I'm gonna go out there and get that *stupid* trophy. We busted our asses off out there! Now, I didn't go through all that to come out empty handed.
Major Payne: Hello cue balls! Welcome to the house of Payne!
Major Payne: [finishing the story to Tiger Dunn] To be continued... When I come back, I'll tell you what Bubba used as a penis!
Major Payne: Killing is my business, and business is GOOOOOOOD!