Little Big League (1994)
Billy Heywood: If Joe can paint a house in three hours and Sam can paint the same house in five hours, how long will it take to paint it together?
Mac: Now wait a minute, you never said this was a word problem.
Lonnie Ritter: Kids today are amazing. I played winter ball down in Venezuela, they had kids half his age, every one of them speaking Spanish. That's a hard language.
Lou Collins: They speak Spanish in Venezuela.
Lonnie Ritter: I know! That's my point!
Billy Heywood: Here's an easy one. Who was the first black player to play in the major leagues?
Thomas Heywood: You want me to say Jackie Robinson, but I won't. Fleet Walker for Toledo. I believe the year was 1884.
Jim Bowers: It's a scientific fact that a pig becomes a hog at 180 pounds.
Spencer Hamilton: What's that make your wife?
Tucker Kain: Fat.
Margaret Sullivan: Isn't that wonderful? Your Grandfather gave you the twins!
Billy Heywood: I would rather have my Grandfather.
Roberts: [Last Lines] Excuse me Mr. Heywood! But um, they're still here.
Billy Heywood: Who?
Mac: You're a frickin' primadonna, McGreavy. You don't deserve to wear that uniform.
Mike McGrevey: You know, you're right, Mac. I'm a disgrace to the Twins. I think you should trade me.
Mac: As soon as we find someone dumb enough to take you, that's EXACTLY what we're gonna do.
Billy Heywood: No we're not. We're not trading you.
Mike McGrevey: So what are you going to do, bench me?
Billy Heywood: Nope, play you. When it's your turn to pitch, you pitch. Nothing changes.
Mike McGrevey: You know, I don't think that's such a good idea. I have a feeling my concentration's not going to be that good out there. I might tend to forget some of those scouting reports.
Billy Heywood: Well, that's up to you, you're the free agent. Hey Mac, what's the going rate for an absent-minded pitcher who can't get anybody out?
Joey: [at school] If I owned the Twins, I wouldn't even show up here. I'd just hire a bunch of scientists to do my homework. I mean, if you're rich you don't have to be smart. That's the whole beauty of this country.
George O'Farrell: Hey 'Blackout,' I didn't get you for your curve ball. I don't like your curve ball. As a matter of fact, I hate your curve. You know why? Because the damn thing don't curve!
[after the Twins lose their wild card playoff]
Billy Heywood: The Brooklyn Dodgers had a saying: "wait 'til next year."
Spencer Hamilton: That's it right there. 'Cause next year, we're gonna win it all, baby.
Mike McGrevey: Give me some of that.
[they slap hands, and the team cheers]
Mickey Scales: The Dodgers played in Brooklyn?
Joey: You should start Webman. He always beats the Rangers.
Billy Heywood: He always beats everybody. That's why he's 3-7.
Billy Heywood: Who would've thought they'd throw you a changeup with a three-two count and the bases loaded?
Lou Collins: I bet you did, didn't you. You did! Ya knew it!
Joey: Man! When my Grandfather died, all I got was a sweater.
Joey: You what you should do? You should start Webman!
Billy Heywood: I had a feeling you were going to say that.
Joey: I can't believe you lost to the Tigers, they stink!
Billy Heywood: [after Scales was called out at first base during a home game against the Rangers] What?
Mickey Scales: Come on, blue! He didn't touch me, blue! That's brutal, my momma could make that call blue, come on!
Billy Heywood: [to the first-base umpire, after the first-base coach gets Scales out of the way] He missed the tag! He missed the tag!
Major League Umpire: and what are you, Bob Uecker?
Billy Heywood: That was a lousy call, you were out of position.
Major League Umpire: I saqw what I saw, so go sit down.
Billy Heywood: No, I'm not gonna sit down, because you're a big dork.
Major League Umpire: Oh yeah? Well, you're a little squirt with a big mouth, so why don't you get outta my face before I get mad?
Billy Heywood: Come on, get mad! Pop a vein, you ugly, big
[prolonged air horn sound, while Palmeiro's eyes get big]
Billy Heywood: ... blind, seeing-eye dog.
Major League Umpire: You're outta here, Heywood!
Billy Heywood: [while kicking dirt on the umpire] Yeah, that's right. Throw me out you big, fat
[prolonged air horn]
Billy Heywood: ... and you're blind as a bat!
Major League Umpire: Get outta here!
Billy Heywood: Fine! Ever heard of Certs?