Heavy Weights (1995)
Tony Perkis: Attention campers. Lunch has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.
Josh: The candy belongs to... Seymour Butts.
Tony Perkis: Seymour Butts? Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts, hmm? Who's Seymour Butts?
Josh: Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony!
Tony Perkis: All you need is Mother Earth, Father Sky, and your dear old Uncle Tony.
Gerry: Don't tell anyone, but I uh... snuck in some oreos. Just in case.
Josh: That was very sneaky of you, Gerry. Chipmunks! Download! Now!
Lars: [Pushes one kid in the water] Hey, don't pee in the water!
Lars: [Pushes another kid in the water] Hey, don't drink the water, he peed in it!
Nicholas: [Passes Gas directly into Gerry's Face] Oh, my. I didn't mean to.
Gerry: Just go!
Roy: Funny Josh. But really man, what happened? Talk to us.
Josh: [half-unaware] Josh was bad.
Roy: Oh man. Oh jeez.
Josh: [half-unaware] Josh now good.
Gerry: Good? Wha... what do you mean?
Josh: Must be...
[finally showing his normal awareness]
Josh: good to see my big ass again!
Tony Perkis: Repulse the monkey... part the wild horse's mane.
Tony Perkis: First we're going to take an hour meditation break. Then we're going to climb that 1000-foot rock face over there with our bare hands and feet. I know you can do it, I have faith in you. But for now, observe the silence of the chi.
Gerry: [writing a letter] Dear Grandma... someone once said, "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad...
[shows a revolting-looking lunch being passed out]
Gerry: ... but even worse...
[shows Lars stabbing the Blob with a spear]
Gerry: ... today he killed the Blob.
Gerry: [goes to the go-kart track, closed and with people putting the karts in a pile] As for the go-karts, well... may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you because nobody else seemed to care.
Maury Garner: [on the phone] I did not send you to 'go-kart' camp!
Tony Perkis: [on the PA] Attention campers, lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it...
Gerry: Tony Perkis tries to lead by example...
Tony Perkis: [shows Tony on a bed of nails, and two guys placing an ice block on his stomach] This is the 18th level of the PerkiSystem. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day! All right, do it to it, Lars!
Lars: [standing by with a large hammer at the block] It's my honor, Tony.
[Lars breaks the ice block while the campers freak out. Tony is unharmed]
Gerry: ...but we're afraid to follow.
Tony Perkis: [nighttime, the campers are around a large fire along with Tony] I know each and every one of you - because I WAS you!
Gerry: Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP, drive by and make fun of us.
MVP camper: [shows the MVP counselor and two campers driving by in a motor boat]
[Into a megaphone]
MVP camper: You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Gerry and Roy are ducked down in the water]
Gerry: At night...
[shows some more MVP campers at the dock carrying cans of paint]
Gerry: ... they vandalize our camp.
[Pat is scrubbing it all off]
Gerry: [looks at Josh's empty bed and continues] At least Josh got out... where there's food. We have to resort... to more desperate measures.
[Shows the campers chasing cows and shouting]
Gerry: Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp... so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry.
Gerry: I'm not going to a camp with a bunch of fat loads!
Gerry: It's a fat camp! Are you crazy? No way! I'm not going to camp with a bunch of fat loads!
Mrs. Garner: Gerry!
Roger Johnson: Now that's not kind, Gerry.
Maury Garner: We're doing this for your own good. We gatta nip this thing in the bud.
Gerry: I'm fine. This is a joke right? You're fatter than I am why don't you go to fat camp.
Mrs. Garner: You show your father some respect.
Maury Garner: First I think we should have a little pow-wow, and then we will call you with our decision.
Gerry: I'll give you my decision right now. I'm not going.
[Cut to a jetliner taking off]
Roy: Josh, How ya doing man? I just saw the new nurse and she is... very attractive.
Josh: This pleases me.
Lars: [over speakers] Now, its time to meet your new owner and operator. Tony Perkis is a man who believes in you. His life is dedicated to saying things like "YES!" and "You better believe it!" Entrepenuer, a motivator, and a new friend! May I introduce, TONY PERKIS!
[Josh is posing for a "Before" picture, and by doing so, he put his finger in his nose]
Lars: Please put your fat finger down!
[Josh does so, and turns to the wall and stretches the "Before" sign across his bottom, causing Lars to get so aggravated that he snaps the camera valve in his hand too many times, causing it to not work anymore]
Lars: [He pushes the valve seeing if it still works, and it doesn't] You've broken my camera!
Tony Perkis: You picked the wrong man to mess with.
Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, I didn't know I was messing with a man!
Tony Perkis: No dinner, no lunch, no breakfast! How does that grab you? Hmm?
Lars: Congratulations, Mr. Simms. You are the fattest boy in camp.
Tony Perkis: Kiss the ground, joker-boy!
Josh: Hey, would you get your foot off my back?
Tony Perkis: Shut up!
Josh: [on the "Camp Hope", aka "Camp Hell" movie which everyone at the camp and all the kid's parents are there watching]
Josh: Forty push-ups?
Tony Perkis: No! Sixty! Down! Now! Eighty! One hundred!
Maury Garner: He's strict.
Lars: Hello, I am your new friend and counselor. Please insists about wearing your Perkins System uniforms. Your families will be billed automatically. Now, lets play a fun game that helps us learn each others names.
Josh: [mocking Lars' accent] We already know each others names.
Tony Perkis: Let me make something very clear: The PerkiSystem does not work with cheaters like Gerald Garner. OK? How can I sell an infomercial about fat kids who can't keep their piggy little snouts shut? Hmm? Who's gonna buy that, huh?
[Tony chases Josh down a hill and Josh gets a leg cramp]
Tony Perkis: Congratulations, you've just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity.
Pat Finley: Who wants to tell us the lesson we learned here?
Roy: Don't put twinkies on your pizza!
Camp Magnolia Girl #1: Why don't those guys just lose weight?
Camp Magnolia Girl #2: Why don't you show them how to throw up after meals like you did?
Lars: I have them on the "body" system.
Julie: The "body" system?
Lars: Yeah, the body system.
[blows whistle and screams]
Gerry: [holding hands] BUDDY!
Julie: Oh, the BUDDY system
Tony Perkis: Did you ever hear the story of Icarus, who continually rolled the ball up the hill? But when he got too close, the ball melted in the heat of the Sun. You're all like Icarus.
Alice Bushkin: Harvey and I are saddened and dismayed to announce that we are no longer the owners of Camp Hope.
[the whole crowd gets shocked in disbelief]
Harvey Bushkin: Sometimes, in life, things don't work out the way you planned, and in those situations, sometimes you file chapter 9 bankruptcy.
[shreiks in agitation]
Harvey Bushkin: [struggling to get his voice] We worked our whole life, and what do we have to show? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Alice Bushkin: Harvey, please stop.
[to the crowd]
Alice Bushkin: Okay, kids, out with the old, and in with the new.
[you hear some sobbing and shocks]
Alice Bushkin: Now, your new owner is gonna introduce himself in a minute. But, you know what I would like? Please, could you give us just one more Camp Hope "Hi, hi, hiya"?
Alice Bushkin: God bless all of you.
Harvey Bushkin: One word of advice, NEVER LET ANYONE SIGN YOUR CHECKS!
Tony Perkis: [first time seen] Can you smell it? There's a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it? Hmm? I look around this room, and I see potential.
Tony Perkis: I see the future chairman of a Fortune 500 company.
Tony Perkis: I see a famous rap artist.
Tony Perkis: I see the president of the United States of America.
Gerry: He's from England!
Tony Perkis: Kids, at age 12, I weighed 319 pounds. I had bad skin, low self-esteem, and no self-respect. Now, I eat success for breakfast, with skim milk.
Nicholas: [gets a sour look on his face] Ugh.
Roy: Headed to fat camp?
Gerry: No... Why do you say that?
Roy: 'Cause your fat... 'That your dad?
Gerry: No... W-why do you say that?
Roy: 'Cause he's fat too!
Gerry: Well, so are you.
Roy: I know, that's why I'm going to fat camp.
Tony Perkis: [Upon finding contraband salami] Oh look! A deli meat!
Tony Perkis: You've been a good guard, Nicholas. Fair and strong. I want to reward you with this chocolate kiss.
[holds out the fake candy to Nicholas]
Nicholas: Throw it over!
Tony Perkis: Then it would smoosh... we wouldn't want that.
Tony Perkis: [Nicholas goes to grab the candy and Tony puts him in a headlock] Looks like London Bridge is falling down!
Roy: Lars? What kind of name is that? Where you from?
Lars: [pause] ... Far Away!
Lars: Now, I have a severly deviated septum, and when I sleep I make a disturbing sound... Don't be alarmed, I am fine. Good Night!
MVP camper: Here take it... take it!
Tony Perkis: Hey! Who wants to be on T.V. hhmm? That's Kenny the Camera Man!
Tony Perkis: Only film the ones that are standing Kenneth.
Lars: [over the PA] Pat Finley, please report to the men's toilet. Bring a mop and a plunger... now!
Tony Perkis: Oh yes that was wonderful. So entertaining. The cinematography, the editing techniques. Though I must say, the villain, was a bit... over the top.
Tony Perkis: Attention campers the topic for tonight's discussion is, "Liposuction: Option or Obsession."
Pat Finley: [to Gerry] Are you ready for the best damn summer of your life?
[cut to everybody in the bus driving to camp]
Pat Finley: Yeah and is everybody going to behave themselves this summer?
Pat Finley: Good, that's what I expect!
Pat Finley: [driving to camp] Hey Sam don't lean your head out the window, I'm not going to go back and pick it up again.
Sam: Who wants my head? I don't need it anyway.
Pat Finley: Did you talk to child services?
Julie: Yeah, they said they'd like to come out and investigate but they can't come for two weeks.
Pat Finley: That's too long. Tim, what did your lawyer say?
Tim: No hard evidence.
Pat Finley: Hard evidence? Tony's hard evidence, just look at the guy!
Tim: It's what the lawyer said.
Gerry: [to Pat about Tony] Let's go get everybody and kick his ass!
Tim: Guys you can't kidnap a camp counselor, they give people the chair for something like this!
Tony Perkis: [over the loudspeakers] Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is 'value.' Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer's over, this camp's gonna be filled with skinny winners!
Roy: "Skinny weiners?" You hear that, guys?
[all the boys laugh]
Roy: [Nicholas had just abruptly Farted right into Gerry's Face] You have one of those fish-and-chip farts there, Nicky?
Gerry: Who's this?
Roger Johnson: Hi, Gerry. "Roger Johnson." Islander's fan, huh? Team of the future, I'd say.
Gerry: Uh, yeah. Whatever, I'm out of here.
Maury Garner: Hold those horses, cowboy. Mr. Johnson is your guest, and he's here to talk to you about a very special summer camp.
Roger Johnson: A camp designed just for you, Gerry.
Gerry: Summer Camp? No way. I have plans for the summer. I'm gonna hang out!
Mrs. Garner: Come on, Honey. He's got a videotape for us to watch. Why don't we just take a little peek?
Gerry: Why don't we not?