Heavyweights (1995)

Jeffrey Tambor: Maury Garner

Quotes 

• Gerry : [writing a letter]  Dear Grandma... someone once said, "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad...

  [shows a revolting-looking lunch being passed out] 

  Gerry : ... but even worse...

  [shows Lars stabbing the Blob with a spear] 

  Gerry : ... today he killed the Blob.

  Gerry : [goes to the go-kart track, closed and with people putting the karts in a pile]  As for the go-karts, well... may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you because nobody else seemed to care.

  Maury Garner : [on the phone]  I did not send you to 'go-kart' camp!

  Tony Perkis : [on the PA]  Attention campers, lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it...

  Gerry : Tony Perkis tries to lead by example...

  Tony Perkis : [shows Tony on a bed of nails, and two guys placing an ice block on his stomach]  This is the 18th level of the PerkiSystem. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day! All right, do it to it, Lars!

  Lars : [standing by with a large hammer at the block]  It's my honor, Tony.

  [Lars breaks the ice block while the campers freak out. Tony is unharmed] 

  Gerry : ...but we're afraid to follow.

  Tony Perkis : [nighttime, the campers are around a large fire along with Tony]  I know each and every one of you - because I WAS you!

  Gerry : Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP, drive by and make fun of us.

  MVP camper : [shows the MVP counselor and two campers driving by in a motor boat] 

  [Into a megaphone] 

  MVP camper : You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  [Gerry and Roy are ducked down in the water] 

  Gerry : At night...

  [shows some more MVP campers at the dock carrying cans of paint] 

  Gerry : ... they vandalize our camp.

  [Pat is scrubbing it all off] 

  Gerry : [looks at Josh's empty bed and continues]  At least Josh got out... where there's food. We have to resort... to more desperate measures.

  [Shows the campers chasing cows and shouting] 

  Gerry : Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp... so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry.

• Gerry : It's a fat camp! Are you crazy? No way! I'm not going to camp with a bunch of fat loads!

  Mrs. Garner : Gerry!

  Roger Johnson : Now that's not kind, Gerry.

  Maury Garner : We're doing this for your own good. We gotta nip this thing in the bud.

  Gerry : I'm fine. This is a joke right?

  [to his dad] 

  Gerry : You're fatter than I am, why don't you go to the camp?

  Mrs. Garner : You show your father some respect.

  Maury Garner : First I think we should have a little pow-wow, and then we will call you with our decision.

  Gerry : I'll give you my decision right now. I'm not going.

  [Cut to a jetliner taking off] 

• Josh : [on the "Camp Hope", aka "Camp Hell" movie which everyone at the camp and all the kid's parents are there watching] 

  Josh : Forty push-ups?

  Tony Perkis : No! Sixty! Down! Now! Eighty! One hundred!

  Maury Garner : He's strict.

• Gerry : Who's this?

  Roger Johnson : Hi, Gerry. "Roger Johnson." Islander's fan, huh? Team of the future, I'd say.

  Gerry : Uh, yeah. Whatever, I'm out of here.

  Maury Garner : Hold those horses, cowboy. Mr. Johnson is your guest, and he's here to talk to you about a very special summer camp.

  Roger Johnson : A camp designed just for you, Gerry.

  Gerry : Summer Camp? No way. I have plans for the summer. I'm gonna hang out!

  Mrs. Garner : Come on, Honey. He's got a videotape for us to watch. Why don't we just take a little peek?

  Gerry : Why don't we not?

• Maury Garner : [on Parents Day]  Big guy, look at you, look at you... you look... the same.

  Gerald 'Gerry' Garner : Well, I feel better.

  Mrs. Maury Garner : [hugs Gerry]  Oh well, that's important too!

  Maury Garner : So?

  Gerald 'Gerry' Garner : Oh! Follow me.

  Maury Garner : [under his breath]  He hasn't lost a pound.

  Mrs. Maury Garner : Oh, Maury.