Quotes

[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]

Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

[to the dogs in his van]

Harry: OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.

Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Harry: Hi, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Hi, Harry.

Harry: How was your day?

Lloyd: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.

Harry: Skis, huh?

Beth: That's right!

Harry: Great! They yours?

Beth: Uh-huh.

Harry: Both of 'em?

Beth: Yes.

Harry: Ah... cool!

[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]

Harry: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.

Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?

Harry: No, it was a girl.

Lloyd: Excuse me, Flo?

[Harry and Lloyd crack up]

Lloyd: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?

Flo, Waitress #1: It's the Soup of the Day.

Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

Lloyd: This isn't my real job, you know.

Mary: No?

Lloyd: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.

Mary: That's nice.

Lloyd: I got worms!

Mary: I beg your pardon?

Lloyd: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

Harry: Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Harry: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.

Mary: Really? That's weird.

Harry: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!

Harry: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?

Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.

Harry: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

Lloyd: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!

Harry: No way!

Lloyd: I'll give you three to one odds.

Harry: No.

Lloyd: Five to one.

Harry: No.

Lloyd: Ten to one?

Harry: You're on!

Lloyd: I'm gonna get ya!

Harry: Nuh uh!

Lloyd: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.

[coming out of the 7-11]

Lloyd: Hey guys. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later.

Lloyd: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?

Mary: How'd you guess?

Lloyd: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.

Lloyd: Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles.

Lloyd: You're it.

Harry: You're it.

Lloyd: You're it, quitsies!

Harry: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!

Lloyd: You can't do that!

Harry: Can too!

Lloyd: Cannot, stamp it!

Harry: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!

Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.

Harry: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!

Lloyd: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Harry: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!

Harry: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.

Lloyd: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad!

Harry: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!

Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.

Harry: I can't believe it.

Lloyd: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.

Harry: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.

Lloyd: Not if you count the gurgling sound.

[while looking back at Mary]

Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...

[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]

Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?

Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Mrs. Neugeboren: Where have you been, Dunne? My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago! Now, I hardly have any time to primp them.

Harry: Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Neugieberger.

Mrs. Neugeboren: Neugeboren!

Harry: Neu-Neu-Neuge...

Mrs. Neugeboren: -boren.

Harry: Boren. These pooches are not gonna need any primping. You know why? Because I bathed them, and I clipped them myself. And I stand by my performance.

Dale's Man: They're driving an '84... Sheepdog.

Lloyd: [to motorcycle cop] Tic-Tac, sir?

Lloyd: We don't usually pick up hitchhikers... but I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up partner!

Lloyd: Mock

Harry: Yeah!

Lloyd: Ing

Harry: Yeah!

Lloyd: Bird

Harry: Yeah!

Lloyd: Yeah!

Harry: Yeah!

State Trooper: You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?

Harry: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...

Lloyd: Okay, Kill Him!

Harry: Where's the booze?

Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.

Harry: Oh, no, no.

Lloyd: Come on, Harry.

Harry: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.

Lloyd: Yeah?

Harry: He's dead.

Lloyd: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?

Harry: His head fell off.

Lloyd: His head fell off?

Harry: Yeah. He was pretty old.

Lloyd: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."

Lloyd: [after a confrontation with Sea Bass] You really wimped out, man.

Harry: What are you talking about, wimped out? Wha... Did you s... The guy hawked on my burger!

Beth: [at the gas station] Uh sir, you're... you're spraying everywhere...

Lloyd: [Opening the door on Nicholas Andre, who he thinks is a hotel employee] We have plenty of towels - thank you!

Harry: Weirdo.

Lloyd: Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.

Harry: Moron.

Lloyd: Raider of the lost fart.

Harry: Buttfish.

Lloyd: Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels.

Nicholas Andre: SHUT UP!

Harry: Who's got the foot long?

Harry: You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?

Lloyd: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry-your hands are freezing!

Lloyd: It's okay! I'm a limo driver!

Harry: [shivering] Lloyd, I can't feel my fingers, they're numb!

Lloyd: Oh well here, take this extra pair of gloves, my hands are starting to get a little sweaty.

Harry: Extra gloves? You've had extra gloves this whole time?

Lloyd: Uh yea, we are in the Rockies. Jeez!

Lloyd: [as he leaves a convenience store, Lloyd encounters two black guys] Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right... Well, see you later!

Harry: Where did you get those?

Lloyd: I bought them when we filled up.

Harry: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.

Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund.

Harry: Oh.

Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.

Harry: Where did you get 25 extra becks?

Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.

Harry: The blind kid?

Lloyd: Yeah, ha ha! Yeah.

Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?

Lloyd: Stuff.

Harry: What kinda stuff?

Lloyd: I don't know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,

[cough]

Lloyd: Petey.

Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!

Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it...

[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]

Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?

Lloyd: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]

Bikini Girl: Hi guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.

Harry: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.

Bikini Girl: [baffled] Okay, thanks.

[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]

Lloyd: Do you realize what you've done?

[they run after the bus]

Lloyd: HEY! HEY!

Harry: Lloyd! Lloyd!

[the bus stops and opens the doors]

Lloyd: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.

Mental: Feeling better, girls?

Harry: Yes, much better! Thank you for asking!

Harry: I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a little rockier than this.

Lloyd: Yeah, that John Denver is full of shit, man.

Mary: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me?

Lloyd: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.

Lloyd: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.

Nicholas Andre: Open it up. Open it up!

Lloyd: [Motioning to Mary] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.

Nicholas Andre: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?

Lloyd: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.

Lloyd: [after getting off the moped with Harry frozen to his back] Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh Har?

Lloyd: [while telling Harry what to tell Mary about himself] Tell her I'm rich, and I'm good looking, and I have, uh, a rapist's wit.

State Trooper: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!

Harry: What?

State Trooper: Pull over!

Harry: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!

Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots, man!

State Trooper: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?

Harry: No, sir.

Lloyd: No.

State Trooper: [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?

Harry: That's nothing, sir.

Lloyd: Yeah, nothing.

State Trooper: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!

[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]

Harry: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!

Lloyd: No, sir, don't!

State Trooper: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!

[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]

Lloyd: Tic-Tac, sir?

State Trooper: Get the hell out of here!

[on the verge of gagging]

Nicholas Andre: [Over the phone] Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left! Look, I can't have these guys running around Aspen!

Mental: Don't worry. They ain't gonna be running around nowhere after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.