Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?
Dante Hicks: This life.
Randal Graves: This life?
Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?
Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.
Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal Graves: 37.
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...
Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal Graves: You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: [outside; has no idea what's going on] Yeah!
Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
Caitlin Bree: Can I use your bathroom?
Randal Graves: Sure. But there's no lights back there.
Caitlin Bree: Why aren't there any lights?
Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
Caitlin Bree: You're kidding. Why?
Randal Graves: Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, 'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal Graves: And I'm caught in the middle - torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Caitlin Bree: You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
Randal Graves: Territoriality. He was mine first.
Caitlin Bree: Oh, that was so cute.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead!
Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES!
[to a man passing by on a bicycle just off screen]
Jay: Yo, what the fuck you lookin' at? I'll kick your fuckin' ass! Shit yeah.
[to Silent Bob]
Jay: Doesn't that mother fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin' tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, and tear out his fuckin' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag.
[to two women in a passing car just off screen]
Jay: Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?
Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Jay: I dunno dude, that Caitlin chick's nice, but I've seen that Veronica girl doing shit for you all the time. I saw her rubbing your back, fucking comes and brings you food. Didn't I see her change your tire once?
Dante Hicks: Hey-hey, you know, I jacked up the car, all she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.
Jay: I dunno, she does a lot for you.
Dante Hicks: She's my girlfriend.
Jay: I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me is weed and shit. Shit my grandmother used to say 'What's better, fuckin', a good plate with nothin' on it... ' no wait I fucked up. 'What's a good plate with nothing on it?'
Dante Hicks: Meaning?
Jay: I dunno, she was senile and shit, she used to fuckin' piss herself all the time, and shit herself. Come on, Silent Bob, lets get the fuck out of this fucking jip joint, with this fucking faggot Dante, you cock smoker!
Randal Graves: Why don't you go join her, make a little bathroom bam bam?
Dante Hicks: I love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee".
Randal Graves: Fuck you.
Jay: Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.
[Jay makes a rude head gesture and car horn honks]
Jay: Ewww, you fucking faggot, I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!
[after losing a hockey ball from the roof]
Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent?
[reads the cover to Randal's videotape]
Dante Hicks: "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks: And you rented this?
Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
Randal Graves: Fine, just let me borrow your car.
Dante Hicks: Why should I loan you my car?
Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie.
Dante Hicks: You wanna rent a movie?
Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie!
Randal Graves: What's that for?
Dante Hicks: You work in a video store!
Randal Graves: I work in a shitty video store! I wanna go to a good video store so I can get a good movie!
Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: [suddenly outraged] Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
[throws stuff at Dante]
Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.
Randal Graves: You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us... we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
Dante Hicks: You gonna lock the video store?
Randal Graves: Look who you're asking, here.
Randal Graves: You're closed.
[tosses cloth open sign at Dante]
Dante Hicks: What time do you get to work today?
Randal Graves: I dunno. Like... ten, or ten after.
Dante Hicks: Wrong! You were over a half an hour late! And then all you do is come in here!
Randal Graves: Yeah, to talk to you.
Dante Hicks: Which means the video store is ostensibly closed.
Randal Graves: Oh, it's not like I'm miles away!
Dante Hicks: Unless you're out renting videos at other video stores!
Randal Graves: Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we could watch it together.
Coroner: My question is, how did she come to have sex with a dead man?
Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] You know how much money the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?
Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks: Guess not.
Randal Graves: Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks: What kind of a show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]
Randal Graves: Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. I mean, these chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body - *any* opening.
Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this now?
Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load, 'cause practically everybody does it right on the window. I don't know if you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks: Excuse me?
Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I-I guess we kinda got carried away.
Offended Customer: Well, I-I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me.
Randal Graves: Well, if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]
Randal Graves: I think you can see her kidneys!
Randal Graves: You know who I can do without? I can do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.
[a series of vignettes]
Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new movies in?
[zoom out to see a huge sign that says "Brand New Movies" directly above her]
Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the racks.
Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.
Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.
Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway?
[zoom out to see a huge "99¢" sign behind her]
Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!
Dante Hicks: How many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
Jay: I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' about?
Burner Looking for Weed: Hey, you got anything, man?
Jay: Yeah, what you want?
Dante Hicks: Someone jammed gum in the locks.
Veronica Loughran: You're kidding.
Dante Hicks: Bunch of savages in this town.
Silent Bob: [His only line] You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.
Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: Dante...
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran: Let it go!
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?
Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks: Wait, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37.
Dante Hicks: I'm 37?
Dante Hicks: [about the Death Star in "Return of the Jedi"] All right, so they bring in independent contractors, why are you so upset at its destruction?
Dante Hicks: 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
Customer with Diapers: In a row?
Dante Hicks: [to Veronica] Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!
Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
Caged Animal Masturbator: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Dante Hicks: You hate people!
Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Chewlies Gum Rep: You're spending what? Twenty, maybe thirty dollars a week on your cigarettes?
Angry Smoking Crowd: Yeah.
Woolen Cap Smoker: Forty.
Smoker #1: Something like that.
Smoker #2: Fifty-three.
Chewlies Gum Rep: Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? 'Cause that's what you're doing now, by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.
Angry Smoking Crowd: Hey, man, we gotta croak sometime.
Chewlies Gum Rep: It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please Mr. Merchant-of-Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs."
Dante Hicks: Now wait a second!
Chewlies Gum Rep: Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hate mongers that were just following orders.
Angry Smoking Crowd: Who's that?
Chewlies Gum Rep: They were called Nazis!
Woolen Cap Smoker: Nazis, that's right.
Angry Smoking Crowd: Fuckin' Nazi!
Chewlies Gum Rep: Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth just like your cigarettes are doing now.
Dante Hicks: You get me slapped with a fine. You pick fights with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us chased out of a funeral home by violating a corpse. To top it all off, you ruined my relationship with Veronica! What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal Graves: Uh, once second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it.
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: 'Kay.
Randal Graves: What's it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy!
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it.
Randal Graves: Obviously.
[into the phone]
Randal Graves: Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: The KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", oh, yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Yup. Oh, wait a minute.
[to the woman]
Randal Graves: Uh, what was that called again?
Jay: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade, alright?
Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one.
Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!
Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is, if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: Fuckin' A!
Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!
Randal Graves: Duh duh... duh duh... duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh... Salsa shark! We're gonna need a bigger boat! Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.
Randal Graves: Embolism in a pool.
Dante Hicks: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante Hicks: How did he die?
Randal Graves: He broke his neck.
Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?
Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!
Jay: [singing] Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin' Weed, Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beers...
Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?
Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Olaf Oleeson: [singing] My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!
Jay: [snickering] That's fucking funny, man.
Jay's Lady Friend: Did he say "making fuck"?
Dante Hicks: Somebody jammed gum in the locks.
Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.
Dante Hicks: That's what I said.
[about Silent Bob's Russian Cousin]
Jay's Lady Friend: He only speaks Russian?
Jay: Naw, he speaks some English, but he can't all speak it good like we do.
Sanford: Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major.
Randal Graves: Design major.
Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this?
Sanford: Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker!
Dante Hicks: No. I might be leaving early to go out with Caitlin. In which case, you're gonna have to lock up the store tonight.
Randal Graves: All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks!
[Randall is watching hermaphroditic porn]
Caitlin Bree: What are you watching?
Randal Graves: Children's programming.
Randal Graves: You're so repressed.
Dante Hicks: Because I never tried to suck my own dick?
Randal Graves: Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees. Said the video store was closed for two hours yesterday. So, I tore up his membership.
Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority.
Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
[on his past relationship with Caitlin]
Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
Randal Graves: Oh, my God.
Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?
Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.
Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - do you know who wound up in that dark bedroom with Brad?
Randal Graves: Your mother?
Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.
Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?
Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep.
Randal Graves: That's frightening.
Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.
Randal Graves: In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
Randal Graves: Do you know what I just watched?
Dante Hicks: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Randal Graves: Return of the Jedi.
[Veronica sprays a crowd pelting Dante with cigarettes]
Veronica Loughran: Who's leading this mob?
Woolen Cap Smoker: [coughing] That guy.
Veronica Loughran: Freeze! Let's see some credentials. *Slowly*. You're a Chewley's Gum Representative? And you're stirring up all this anti-smoking sentiment to, what, sell more gum? GET OUT OF HERE! And you people, don't you have jobs to go to? Get out of here, go commute! You oughta be ashamed of yourselves. Bunch of easily-led automatons. Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes!
Woolen Cap Smoker: [approaches the counter] Uhhhh... pack of cigarettes?
[Randal has a sign that says "I EAT COCK"]
Dante Hicks: Who eats cock?
Randal Graves: Bunch of savages in this town.
Randal Graves: Hey, you know, you and I have something in common - we both eat Chinese.
Caitlin Bree: Dick.
Randal Graves: Exactly.
Dante Hicks: Just go. Just go open the video store.
Jay: Yeah! Open the video store!
Randal Graves: Shut the fuck up, junkie.
Randal Graves: What'd your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?
Caitlin Bree: She said not to come home until after graduation.
Randal Graves: Wow, you got thrown out for Dante?
Caitlin Bree: What can I say? He does weird things to me.
Randal Graves: Ooh, can I watch?
Caitlin Bree: You can hold me down.
Randal Graves: Can I join in?
Caitlin Bree: You might be let down. I'm not a hermaphrodite.
Randal Graves: Hey, few are.
#812 Wynarski: Hey, you see a set keys around here?
Randal Graves: No time for love, Doctor Jones!
#812 Wynarski: Fuckin' kids!
Olaf Oleeson: My love for you is ticking clock BERSERKER! Would you like to suck my cock BERSERKER!
Willam Black: That's beautiful, man!
Randal Graves: This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
Coroner: Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.
[Randal sorrowfully looks down, remembering his cousin Walter]
[Randal tries to open the locked door to the video store]
Dental School Video Customer: Guy ain't here yet.
Randal Graves: You're kidding? It's almost 11:30.
Dental School Video Customer: I know. I've been here since eleven.
Randal Graves: Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos!
Dental School Video Customer: I would have went to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right there on that wall.
Randal Graves: Really, which one?
Dental School Video Customer: Dental School.
Randal Graves: You came for that, too? That's the movie I came for.
Dental School Video Customer: I have first dibs.
Randal Graves: Says who?
Dental School Video Customer: Says me. I've been here for a half an hour. I'd call that first dibs.
Randal Graves: It ain't going to happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie.
Dental School Video Customer: Like hell you are.
Randal Graves: I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape.
Dental School Video Customer: 20 bucks?
Randal Graves: 20 bucks.
Dental School Video Customer: All right, asshole, you're on.
[after a customer got his hand stuck in a can of Pringles]
Dante Hicks: A little word of advice, my friend. Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Jay: Pack o' wraps, my brotherman, time to kick back, drink some beers and shmoke some weed!
Dante Hicks: [phone rings and Dante falles out of a closet] Hello. What? No I don't work today, I'm playing hockey at two.
Veronica Loughran: Hi, Randal.
Randal Graves: Thirty-seven?
Dante Hicks: Shut up!
Dante Hicks: It wasn't me.
Caitlin Bree: [scoffs] Yeah, right. What was it, then? Randal?
Dante Hicks: [to Randal] Was it you?
Randal Graves: I was up here the whole time.
Caitlin Bree: You two better quit it.
Dante Hicks: I'm serious.
Caitlin Bree: Oh, so, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?
Dante Hicks: No.
Caitlin Bree: Stop it. This isn't funny.
Dante Hicks: I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.
Caitlin Bree: This isn't fucking funny, Dante!
Dante Hicks: I'm not kidding!
Dante Hicks: Who went back there?
Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear!
Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous.
Dante Hicks: Are you sure there was someone back there?
Caitlin Bree: Well, I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ! God, I'm gonna be sick!
Randal Graves: You just fucked a total stranger?
Dante Hicks: Shut the fuck up!
Caitlin Bree: I can't believe this.
Dante Hicks: Call the police!
Caitlin Bree: No, don't!
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves: She said she did all the work.
Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?
Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks: Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.
Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet.
[takes a drink of water]
Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time-
[Randal spits water at him]
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!
Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again.
Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonnna break your fucking head open!
[Randal salutes him as he leaves]
Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?
Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!
Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.
Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.
#812 Wynarski: I went in there the other day and that son of a bitch was sleeping.
Dante Hicks: I'm sure he wasn't sleeping
#812 Wynarski: Are you calling me a liar? Are you calling me a liar?
Dante Hicks: No, he was probably just resting his eyes.
#812 Wynarski: What is that, resting his eyes? Like he's some air traffic controller?
Dante Hicks: Actually that's his night job.
#812 Wynarski: A wise ass too huh? Yeah, keep crackin' wise. That's why you're jockeying some fuckin' cash register in a local convenience store instead of out there workin' a real job.
Randal Graves: [talking about the second Death Star] A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
Dante Hicks: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...
Randal Graves: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
Randal Graves: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
[notices Dante's confusion]
Randal Graves: All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
Randal Graves: [after Dante finds out the boss is in Vermont] Jesus, that seems to be the late motif in your life - ever backing down.
Dante Hicks: I don't back down.
Randal Graves: You *always* back down! You come in on your day off, you assume responsibility that isn't yours - you buckle like a belt.
Dante Hicks: You know what the worst part is?
Randal Graves: The fact that I'm right about your buckling?
Dante Hicks: That I'm gonna miss the fucking *game*!
Randal Graves: Because you buckled.
Dante Hicks: Will you shut up with that shit, man. It ain't helping.
Randal Graves: Aw, don't yell at me, pal.
Dante Hicks: [apologetic] Sorry.
Veronica Loughran: You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.
Dante Hicks: Animal, mineral or vegetable.
Veronica Loughran: Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.
Dante Hicks: They put up the least amount of struggle.
Sign Outside Quick Stop: I assure you; we're open.