Glen: There is something wrong with your cow. I reach under there and I'm pulling, tugging, tugging, pulling, nothing, not a drop.
Mitch: The cow's name is Norman. You were pulling on his dick.
Glen: I'm gonna go wash up.
Phil: In case we don't make it and I die first... eat me.
Mitch: Eat you? I don't even like talking to you on the phone.
Ira: Hi. We're Ira and Barry Schalowitz.
Barry: We helped bury your brother.
Duke: Oh. Maybe someday I can do the same for you.
Mitch: Don't mess with us! We're from New York.
Duke: If you ever talk to me like that again, I'm gonna turn your balls into earrings.
Mitch: Go for it.
Clay: Great buckets of bull shit. It's Curly come back from the dead!
Mitch: You ever walk in on our parents doing it?
Glen: No, have you?
Glen: That's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.
Mitch: This was last week in Florida!
Mitch: It was on the kitchen table.
Mitch: And an hour later we *ate* on that table!
Glen: Phil, when was the last time you were with a woman?
Phil: Uh, Saturday... Saturday will be a year.
Mitch: Gee, if I had known, I'd have gotten you a cake.
Mitch: Phil, going back to Arlene is like breaking back in to Alcatraz.
Duke: My brother loved the land, I loved the sea.
Mitch: Oh. Like surf and turf.
Duke: Ha ha ha.
Mitch: Thought that was funny?
Duke: No, just thinking about what I'd like to do to you.
Bud: Hey Phil, listen. I'd think twice before going back to that wife of yours, cause that'd be like sticking your balls in a bear trap.
Mitch: And that would be bad right?
Mitch: Eat you? What a lovely image. "Eat me!" Hey, Glen, I'm still hungry, is there any more Phil? Oooh, pass the Phil. Mmmmm, it's even good cold. Great party, thanks to Phil!
Phil: Alright, so DON'T eat me!
Duke: Jesus Christ, what a bunch of little piss pots.
Duke: If you guys wanna go home, go ahead. But that gold, that's the only dream I've got left.
Mitch: [after hearing his brother has arrived] Well how is he?
Barbara Robbins: Well, he came in, asked me to make him a sandwich, no crusts, then started making long-distance calls. Of course, first, he did three scenes from "Godfather II".
Phil: He still does that? I love that!
Mitch: Phil, I'm warning you. If you mention "The Godfather" to him, I will rip your arms out of their sockets and beat you to death with them. This started out as such a good birthday!
Phil: What's Glen been up to?
Mitch: He's been up to nothing, he's the Vice President of Lazy. He goes from one family to another until they throw him out, he borrows money..."borrows"? That indicates an intent to repay. He gets jobs that aren't jobs. We only hear from him for change of address calls. I mean he's lost. He's a lost soul, he's a dented can, he's... behind me, isn't he?
[Indeed, Glen is standing right behind Mitch, having heard every word. Phil nods]
Glen: Mitchy, buenos dias!
Mitch: [Shaking his hand] Hello, Glen. How was your sandwich?
Glen: Ah, delightful!
Mitch: Listen, I'm sorry about what I said...
Glen: Ah, water off a duck's back. Come here.
[Hugs him and briefly lifts him off his feet]
Glen: Wow, look at you. You're still the world's smallest big brother.
Mitch: By this time next week I'll be having a romantic dinner with Phil.
Phil: Well, pick a night... because the map is *gone*!
Mitch: [while discussing Phil's troubled love life, Mitch is reminded of something] Speaking of which, did you ever walk in on our parents doing it?
Glen: Why, did you?
[Glen stops the cart]
Mitch: Worst thing I've ever seen.
Glen: Well, that's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.
Mitch: This was three weeks ago in Florida!
Glen: AUGH! Did you walk into the bedroom?
Mitch: This was in the kitchen.
Mitch: Apparently it was spontaneous, too, because Pop still had his hat on. You know that one with the fake grass and a golf ball on it? It was horrible. Wax fruit flying everyplace, the dog barking, my kids' pictures flapping up and down on the refrigerator...
Glen: [ready to vomit] Okay, stop it.
Mitch: [continuing] Pop was working hard.
[as his father]
Mitch: "Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh... ahh, enough of that. Did you take the car in?"
[Glen groans in disgust]
Phil: See, I think that's beautiful.
Mitch: Beautiful? Not from my angle.
Phil: No, two people in love after all those years? That's great!
Mitch: Great? An hour later, we *ATE* on that table.
Phil: [disgusted] EEEUWWW.
Phil: Hey, Glen, let me ask you something. Who had Frankie Pentangeli killed?
[Barbara groans and leaves the room]
Glen: The Rosato brothers.
Phil: Who gave the order?
Mitch: [Hits Phil over the head with a pillow] You stupid dope!
Phil: [laughing] I love this.
Glen: There was this kid I grew up with. He was younger than me. Sort of looked up to me, you know.
Glen: We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good, we made the most of it.
Mitch: I'm going to change.
[as he leaves, he shows Phil the middle finger from behind Glen]
Glen: During Prohibition, we ran molasses to Canada. Made a fortune.
Mitch: [Discreetly] "Ran molasses to Canada." You should run some brains to your head.
Mitch: [Phil has told the radio station psychiatrist his name is 'Kenny' and that the clothes in his closet are his friends. Mitch takes phone] Kenny has to go. He's cooking breakfast for his underwear.
Dr. Jeffrey Sanborn: Who is this?
Mitch: I'm a pair of his socks.
Barbara Robbins: [On the speaker phone in front of Mitch's colleagues] Tonight I'm going to pull down your pants and sink my hands into your cute little ass and then give you a tongue bath, I'm going to start at your feet and slowly work my way up...
[Mitch quickly crawls across the conference table and picks up the phone]
Glen: All right, now the sun sets in the East, right?
Mitch: No! The sun sets in the West.
Glen: That's if your *in* the East, but we are way out West now, so we are past where the sun sets.
Mitch: You can't be *passed* where the sun sets, and if you think you can, then I am directly South of an idiot!
Phil: Which is down!