Camp Nowhere (1994)
"Mud": Dad! Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I can't act stupid.
Zach: If Mud's guilty I am too.
Gaby: Me too! I'm smart enough to act stupid.
Trish: Yeah and I'm stupid too! Well... you know what I mean.
Fein: Back in the 60's, some hippies came here and turned the place into a commune. You know, sex, and drugs, and debauchery.
Dennis Van Welker: Knew I'd been here before.
Gaby: Eww! You did that stuff here?
Dennis Van Welker: No... not *here*.
[Takes a step to the right and nods]
T.R. Polk: [after getting the money for Dennis' car] You're a little short.
"Mud": Well... you're a little fat.
Grocery Checker: Can I see your ID? You gotta be 19 to buy this stuff.
Zach: No problem.
Grocery Checker: You were born in 1963?
Grocery Checker: And that would make you?
Grocery Checker: Wrong. It's 1994. That would make you 31.
Trish: Wrong! If he was born in 1963, and he's 21, then it's 1984! Uh!
"Mud": Who's this?
Dennis Van Welker: Winston Churchill. Jimi Hendrix of the spoken word.
"Mud": Who's Jimi Hendrix?
Dennis Van Welker: Michael Jordan of the electric guitar.
Dennis Van Welker: You know, back in the '60s when we said we wanted to change society, maybe we should've been more specific.
Dennis Van Welker: Do you know what the first rule of the theater is, Mud?
Dennis Van Welker: [shouts] Talk loud enough for people to hear you!
"Mud": OK... so...
"Mud": [shouts] Are you gonna help me?
Dennis Van Welker: Much better... No.
Dennis Van Welker: [some advice to Mud] Here's what you do: get lost! Disappear into the woods for five or six hours. When you show up they'll be so glad you haven't been eaten by bears, they'll forget the other stuff!
Gaby: Guys can be geeks, but it's different for girls. I'm gonna wind up wearing a hairnet and serving Jell-o in the cafeteria!
"Mud": That won't happen, because a lot of girls start out... lumpy. But you'll get thinner, and then you'll start to grow... chests, and then you'll be going out with guys who hang me up by my underwear.
Zach: You know, if you were wearing a skirt right now, I'd be in heaven.
Gaby: Okay troops, line up.
[begins handing out omelets]
Gaby: Ashley, mushroom. Amber, onion. Lenny, plain.
Gaby: You said plain.
Gaby: Okay fine, you win. Plain.
[Lenny walks away looking confused]
Gaby: Who says you can't learn anything from cartoons?
Dennis Van Welker: [quietly] Do you know what the first law of the theater is, Mud?
Morris 'Mud' Himmel: What?
Dennis Van Welker: TALK LOUD ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR YOU!
Dennis Van Welker: Don't forget your pills. 4 every hour.
"Mud": Uh Dennis? that's 1 every 4 hours.
Dennis Van Welker: No way, let me see that.
Dennis Van Welker: Oh... not the first time THAT mistake's gotten me in trouble.
Trish: So why are you wasting all your time fixing up an old car when you're too young to drive?
Zach: In Tijuana you can drive at 14.
Trish: Yeah, like they're going to let you cut class to go take driver's ed in Mexico?
Zach: Who says I'm going back?
Trish: You mean you're dropping out?
Zach: Maybe... would you miss me?
[smiles at her]
"Mud": Gaby, when does your mom leave for the islands?
Gaby: Just as soon as she puts me on the bus to Camp Slenderella.
Gaby: Celery sticks and rice cakes... prison food!
Trish: I'll mail you a Twinkie.
Walter: Who would think something like this would happen from harmless flares and roman candles?
Steve: This bites.
Heather: We should just go home.
Steve: At least at home they have cable.
Arnold: Relax... it'll be fine... I mean we're not complete morons!
"Mud": [complaining about his parents] They talk about me like... I'm unemployed or something.
"Mud": [the other kids are throwing stuff at each other] YOU'RE GONNA PUT SOMEBODY'S EYE OUT WITH THAT!
"Mud": I'm turning into my parents!
[walks off, everybody gets out of his way]
Lenny: [Quoting lines from "A Streetcar Named Desire"] This is my *goddamn* house, and I'll talk any *goddamn* way I want to!
Debbie: Now, Stanley, there's no cause to use such language to Blanche!
[the twins are arguing over what city to "bomb"]
Ashley, Twin: Minneapolis!
Amber, Twin: Milwaukee!
Ashley, Twin: Minneapolis!
Amber, Twin: Milwaukee!
Ashley, Twin: But Grandma lives in Milwaukee.
"Mud": How could you invite her over?! She's going to find out!
Dennis Van Welker: Mud, in a couple of years, two things will happen. One, you'll grow a ridiculous mustache that looks fruit mold on your upper lip. Two, you'll suddenly understand why men invite charming, attractive women to dinner.
Trish: He tried doing Silence of the Lambs as a musical. He got fired and he left town.
"Mud": Yeah well he got fired, but I don't think he left town.
[shows Dennis' picture in the yearbook]
Trish: The cheese man at the mall?
Dennis Van Welker: [explaining Mud's firework burn] The stove's really ancient.
Dr. Celeste Dunbar: Maybe you should consider getting a microwave.
Dennis Van Welker: Oh I couldn't do that, the cat's got a pacemaker.
Zach: We're not 'delinquent friends'.
Trish: Oh really? Then how come you go to military camps every summer, because you like the haircuts?
Zach: You know my Dad. 'Military camp builds character'
Gaby: [about Camp Slenderella] 'It's for your own good, Gabs'.
Trish: [about Broadway Camp] 'But Trish, all the OTHER kids are going!'
"Mud": Hey, how about this one? 'It'll be fun'.
Trish: Wig-n-Wam? What're we doing at a car wash?
Gaby: This will never work.
Dennis Van Welker: Haven't you ever heard of a clean getaway?
"Mud": What's up?
Gaby: [making breakfast] Omelets.
"Mud": What's wrong with Slim Jims and Pop-Tarts?
Gaby: I don't know... I guess I just got tired of the stuff.