Ian:
The Lone Rangers? That's original. How can you pluralize "The Lone Ranger"?
Rex:
We're gonna take the cops up on those demands they wanted.
Pip:
We got a killer list goin'.
Rex:
Yeah, check it out. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff. This way we can plead insanity later.
Chazz:
Where'd this come from?
Rex:
Pip's idea.
Chazz:
Way to go, Pip.
[
one of the list of demands]
Rex:
67 copies of "Moby Dick".
Suzzi:
The movie or the book?
Rex:
They made a book outta that?
Milo:
You're gonna scream "Rock and Roll"? You're gonna go to jail for that?
Ian:
There's a saying Milo: If it's too loud, you're too old.
[
crowd chants "Rodney King"]
Marcus:
"Rodney King"? What's that supposed to mean?
Pip:
He's that guy.
[
Chazz and Rex are testing Chris]
Chazz:
Who'd win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?
Chris Moore:
Lemmy.
[
Rex imitates a game show buzzer]
Chris Moore:
... God?
Rex:
Wrong, dickhead, trick question. Lemmy *IS* God.
Chazz:
We got to send one person out.
Pip:
I'll go.
Rex:
One of the hostages, doof.
[
after catching Pip and Suzzi having sex]
Milo:
Ahhhhh. You're screwing on my $1400 leather couch!
Rex:
Ohhh. Pip, put the monster away.
[
Rex is trying to teach Pip how to intimidate the hostages]
Rex:
[
Punches Pip in the arm] I'm not scared, Pip. Come on.
Pip:
I'm gonna stab your heads off!
Rex:
[
Prompting] With what? With what?
Pip:
With my
[
yells]
Pip:
dick!
Pip:
Man, Chazz is right. All we gotta do is make our own action, y'know?
Rex:
That's the way it is, little bro. Do you think Tommy Lee sat around and waited for the bus? Man, he hustled. That's how come he gets to live in the Hills and pork Heather Locklear.
Ian:
Okay, who are you guys?
Pip:
My name's Pip.
Ian:
The band. The band name.
Pip:
Sorry about that.
Ian:
He doesn't wear a helmet, does he?
Rex:
We've got all kinds of beer and shit in here.
Ian:
Well, there's three of you. You're not exactly lone. Shouldn't you be the Three Rangers?
Pip:
This is never gonna work.
Chazz:
Pip, damn it, what is your problem?
Pip:
You remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man? He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and try to make the thing watch cartoons with him all the time.
Rex:
So what? Will you shut up?
Chazz:
Just get to the point? What?
Pip:
Well, he won this radio giveaway, and when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building. It was, like, this total security building. They slid his tickets through this litle slot with, like, salad tong things.
Chazz:
Oh, so just because that anus couldn't get in, does that mean that we can't?
Rex:
Anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.
Pip:
[
Rex holds up his plastic gun and fires it at Pip and Chazz, laughing] Ahhh.
Pip:
Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with a toy gun. The cops zapped him with a taser until he went bald.
Rex:
And then he sued them for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow in.
Pip:
Still got no hair on his balls, man.
Marcus:
Milo, didn't I tell you to knock when you come to my office?
Milo:
Just keep quiet and get that reel-to-reel deck down to the booth.
Marcus:
Oh, gonna tell me to shut up now? Uh-huh, uh-huh. See, a brother can't open his mouth without the white man slap him down.
Milo:
Just do it, Marcus.
[
Milo steps aside to reveal Rex holding a gun]
Marcus:
Damn.
Pip:
Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with a toy gun. The cops zapped him with a taser until he went bald.
Chazz:
And then he sued them for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow in.
Pip:
Still got no hair on his balls, man.
[
their first attempt at opening the back door fails]
Pip:
Oh, man! We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's get goin'.
Rex:
Hey, Pip, you backstabber, what, are you quittin' out on us?
Pip:
What? The door's locked!
Rex:
Aw, man, you're such a flake. You don't even care about this band, do you? You run around in your apartment all day in your fudgies.
Pip:
That's not true.
Rex:
It is, too. I always got to tell you to put pants on when somebody comes over.
Pip:
[
yelling] He's making this up.
Chazz:
[
yelling] Will you both shut up? Please, OK? You're brothers, all right. C'mon, man, we ain't locked out yet. Stay here, Pip.
[
Rex slaps Pip]
Pip:
[
loudly] Ahh, you got a big mouth, man.
Rex:
Hey, Pip...
[
gives Pip the finger]
Pip:
[
as a small fire starts in an ashtray] PUT IT OUT!
Ian:
[
after Chazz rejects a record contract] He wipes his ass with his record contract, I like this guy!
[
repeated line]
Marcus:
[
spoken very low] Oh my god.
Chazz:
Yvonne, get your shit and go. You'll be home in time for The Simpsons.
Chazz:
For all you care, our record could be Pip farting on a snare drum.
Pip:
I ain't fartin' on no snare drum.
Suzzi:
All those blowjobs for nothing...
Chazz:
Okay, lemme ask you a question: who's side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?
Chris Moore:
What?
Marcus:
What kind of question is that?
Chazz:
Who's side did you take: Halen or Roth?
Chris Moore:
...Van Halen
Ian:
HE'S A COP!
Milo:
All right I know you guys think I'm a dick... cheese... burger, or whatever.
Jimmie Wing:
Bea Arthur?... Outstanding.
Chazz:
Do you know what it's like to be on the bill and to play for 15 minutes and the only people there to see you are the other bands and their girlfriends? Don't talk to me about Rock 'n' Roll! I'm out there in the clubs and on the streets and I'm living it!
[
shouts]
Chazz:
I am Rock 'n' Roll!
Carter:
[
Talking on the phone] What was she on the Clydesdale Scale...? That's how many Clydesdale's it would take to tear her off your face.
Chazz:
[
yelling at Kayla] You are acting like a fucking Spazz!
[
Pip and Suzzi are seated on Milo's couch watching TV]
Suzzi:
Pip? What are you thinking about?
Pip:
Swimming pools.
Suzzi:
Swimming pools, huh?
Pip:
Yeah. I wish I was in one right now. The water's all clear and cool, and you spin around in there like an egg.
Suzzi:
Do you have a girlfriend?
Pip:
Mmm-mmm.
Suzzi:
No? It's kind of weird us meeting like this, huh?
Pip:
[
Suzzi is about to kiss Pip] I don't know.
Ian:
You're on the air!
Butt-head:
[
on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?
Beavis:
Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.
Ian:
[
to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?
Chazz:
So, what do you guys want?
Butt-head:
You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?
Chazz:
Yes.
Butt-head:
We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!
Rex:
Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!
Chazz:
Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.
Butt-head:
Why don't you make the chicks get naked?
Beavis:
Yeah, yeah! Naked!
[
Chazz's tape, which Kayla had dropped in the middle of the road earlier, is now in bad shape]
Chazz:
Oh, whoa. What happened to this?
Kayla:
It fell off the nightstand.
Chazz:
[
as he grabs the tape and looks at it] What did you do to my tape? Can we even play this?
Rex:
I don't know, maybe if I clean it up and re-spool it. Christ!
Kayla:
I came all the way down here just to bring that stupid tape.
Rex:
Yeah, and you took real good care of it, didn't you, Yoko?
[
Kayla briefly listens to Chazz's demo tape while driving, but immediately ejects it]
Kayla:
Bastard!
[
then drops it in the middle of the road]
Officer Wilson:
Good, great, wonderful, fantastic...
[
the demo is briefly played on the air, but it's not played properly]
Chazz:
Hey, what the did you do with it?
Ian:
What did I do with it? Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.
Pip:
Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.
[
suddenly, the demo is ruined by catching a fire]
Chazz:
[
Carl has Kayla in a Lock, and is trying to Humiliate Chazz in front of the entire Audience and calls Him "Chester"] Hey, You leave My Girl Alone!
Kayla:
Wait a Minute, Chester? Why'd He call You that?
Carl Mace:
There's a lot that Chester didn't tell You about, huh, Chester?
Chazz:
Um... Kayla, I...
[
Embarrassed]
Chazz:
awww shit... I haven't been entirely honest with You Kayla, My real Name's Chester... was a Geek in High School, had really short Hair, played "Dungeons and Dragons", ate My own Boogers, and had a Bug Collection, and I would understand if You didn't love Me, anymore.
D & D Rocker:
[
Aloud] I played D & D, too!
School Newspaper Rocker:
I was Editor of the School Newspaper!
Corduroy Rocker:
I used to wear Corduroy's!
Masturbating Rocker:
I used to Masturbate
[
pause]
Masturbating Rocker:
... Constantly...
[
His two Buddies start pounding on Him with Embarrassment]
Related Links
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