Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1994–2004)
[watching 60s cartoon of himself]
Space Ghost: Those stupid kids, why did I even bother?
[wearing large wig]
Zorak: What? This is my natural head of hair.
[Space Ghost and Moltar are holding a dinner murder mystery]
Space Ghost: Now, what about these beans?
Moltar: Those must've fallen out of my hair.
Moltar: Well, you're just making all this (bleep) up!
Moltar: Oh, what, you're the only one that gets to make (bleep) up?
Moltar: Those are part of the dinner.
Space Ghost: No they're not. They're part of the plot.
Moltar: They were on the menu.
Space Ghost: Murder is on the menu.
Space Ghost: Chambraigne: It's shampoo for your hair, and your brain.
Zorak: You dance like a woman.
Space Ghost: I dance like a woman... if she were a man!
Zorak: Well... ya got me there.
Zorak: My favorite episode of The Golden Girls is the one where they all took contaminated Geritol and died.
Space Ghost: That was never an episode!
Zorak: Well, it should have been.
Space Ghost: Oh boy, the Shatner's really hit the fan now. I'm up Dawson's Creek without a paddle.
[Space Ghost's grandfather takes over hosting]
Zorak: You're shooting blanks, Grandpa!
Leonard Ghostal: Shut your pie hole, Blip! Why, twenty years ago I woulda put your head in a half nelson, twisted it around, saying each letter of the alphabet on every turn, and then when I reached the first letter of my true love's name (that would be the lovely Elizabeth), I would yank your head clean off and roll it down the pike like a bowling ball!
Zorak: [wide-eyed] Okay.
Moltar: Whoa! Looks like we're movin'!
Space Ghost: We ARE moving, Moltar. To America!
Moltar: And, uh, why are we doin' that?
Space Ghost: Because all the successful superheroes live in America.
Space Ghost: It's really the only thing that keeps me from being the next Superman.
Moltar: Are you faster than a speeding bullet?
Space Ghost: Well... no, but...
Moltar: Are you able to leap tall buildings with...
Space Ghost: Moltar, that's not the point.
Space Ghost: I'll be dead long before you were born and I'll be dead long before you'll be dead.
Space Ghost: Zorak, where's your nephew?
Zorak: Who? Oh, um, I devoured him.
Space Ghost: That's barbaric!
Space Ghost: Is there any left?
Space Ghost: I could plead the Fifth.
Zorak: If you could count that high.
Space Ghost: Who do you think you are?
Denis Leary: I think the universe knows who I am, Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Then who do you think the universe knows I am, Denis?
Denis Leary: Space Ghost. And I'm Denis Leary, master of the universe.
Space Ghost: Master? I know one or two guys who might disagree with you... master!
Denis Leary: Like who?
Space Ghost: Yoda.
Denis Leary: Okay, who else on the list?
Space Ghost: Star Wars.
[Zorak and Moltar have occupied Space Ghost's apartments and are hiding under lampshades]
Space Ghost: Hmmm... these aren't my lamps. These have feet.
[Guest Jon Benjamin, whose monitor is also hidden under a lampshade, chuckles]
Space Ghost: I'd better go get a new apartment.
[Space Ghost has received a phone call from his wife, Björk]
Space Ghost: Uh, hey, honey, how are you?
Björk: Do you like sulfur?
Space Ghost: Sulfur? Sulfur's my favorite food, honey, you know that. Is that why you called me?
Space Ghost: Oh, great.
Björk: Can I sing in Icelandic?
Space Ghost: Uh, not now, honey, please, I'm right in the middle of, a, um... giant space war.
Björk: I... I enjoy talking to you.
Space Ghost: Uh, yes you do, but like I said, this, uh, space war, what can I do?
Space Ghost: ...aliens.
Space Ghost: Yeah, so, you have to go now.
Space Ghost: Okay, so... I'll talk to you when there's... peace. In space.
Zorak: I got a friend coming by in about five minutes, so, uh... I gotta escape.
Space Ghost: What are you all gonna do?
Zorak: I think we're gonna smash light bulbs out by the dumpster.
Zorak: Moltar, take off your helmet... show me your true face.
Zorak: Because, I'm intrigued.
Zorak: C'mon... I'll be your friend.
Zorak: C'mon... I'll give you a dollar.
[loud hissing sound]
Zorak: GOOD GOD!
Bob Costas: How much hair do you have, Space Ghost?
Space Ghost: Oh, I don't know. Nine. Nine fat stalks!
Bob Costas: Well, why, Space Ghost, if you weren't concerned about your own dome, why would you be so concerned and perhaps envious of those who have a full head of hair?
Space Ghost: Right.
Space Ghost: Moltar, flush the lake.
Moltar: We don't have a lake.
Space Ghost: Good work.
Space Ghost: Moltar, what's our depth?
Moltar: 20,000 leagues, sir.
Space Ghost: Take her to twenty-one.
Moltar: Twenty-one? But... why?
Space Ghost: Because it's more fantastical.
Moltar: Space Ghost, I'm picking up four unidentified heat sources on my monitor screen.
Space Ghost: Well, they're probably just creatures, Moltar. Space creatures.
Moltar: They just violated our airspace.
Space Ghost: Bring me my monocle. I want to look rich.
Steven Wright: Who else is going to be on the show?
Zorak: Your guts.
Steven Wright: Oh.
[after viewing a commercial]
Space Ghost: Finally, a product for me! I believe every word that man just said - because it's exactly what I wanted to hear.
Moltar: And we're clear.
Space Ghost: Well, that wasn't very good.
Jerry Springer: I'm sorry.
Space Ghost: Oh, no, it's all right, really. You're just not very good.
Sarah Jessica Parker: Did you create the show?
Space Ghost: By create, you mean write, produce, direct and star in?
Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah.
Space Ghost: Then, yes. I created it... for you.
Space Ghost: For Christmas!
Sarah Jessica Parker: In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show.
Space Ghost: Mmmmmmmm... WILD fantasies.
Sarah Jessica Parker: You have a... I don't know, something about you.
Space Ghost: Would you like to have some of my... sex? With me?
[Space Ghost is threatening Zorak]
Jerry Springer: Whoa!
Space Ghost: Whoa is what America's going to be saying when I spin his head off so fast it'll TRAVEL BACK IN TIME!
Zorak: Blah blah blah blah.
Space Ghost: Oh, you WANT the time-travel spinning head!
Space Ghost: So, its all settled then. Now I have a contract drawn up for you to direct my movie. All you need to do is sign it, and then go away.
Kevin Smith: I'd be up for that, I'd sign a waiver.
Space Ghost: Actually, its a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap...
Zorak: I am the Lone Locust of the apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the night sky.
Space Ghost: No one sleeps with my grandmother!
Space Ghost: Right?
[in the background]
Zorak: From now on.
Space Ghost: Tell me, Chuck, ever thought of starring in a sequel to The Ten Commandments?
Charlton Heston: Uh, I don't think so.
Space Ghost: Not a sequel man, eh?
Charlton Heston: What other commandments are we going to write?
Zorak: Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it.
Space Ghost: [laughs] Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it.
Zorak: [fake laugh] Jerk.
Charlton Heston: Yeah, well...
Moltar: Thou shalt not... hesitate.
Charlton Heston: I'm kind of committed to the first ten.
Zorak: Thou shalt not be committed to old commandments!
Space Ghost: Zorak, one more commandment out of you, and thou shalt be blasted!
Moltar: Thou shalt not mess with Zorak, or thou shalt have to mess with me!
Space Ghost: All right, everybody, just calm down!
Moltar: Thou shalt not calm down!
Charlton Heston: I hesitate...
Moltar: Thou shalt not hesitate!
Carl: [to Little Carl] Shut! Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze your brain, which is your body, right out the top of your head, which does not exist!
Space Ghost: Let's break down these boxes so they store easier!
Zorak: ...That's boring!
Space Ghost: You don't know from fun!
Carl: Sales will plummet! All because of this beef-witted Klingon!
Carl: Fetch daddy's blue fright wig! I must be handsome when I unleash my rage.
Peter Fonda: I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back was to act like a grown-up, but I've been eight for fifty-six years.
Space Ghost: Dames are like mustard: they taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich... they just sit there in the fridge... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... mustard.
Zorak: Wow, Denis Leary! I've seen all your movies.
Denis Leary: Thank you, thank you.
Zorak: I didn't think they were very good.
Zorak: What'd you think?
Space Ghost: [talking to random kids] ... and that, kids, is how I saved Christmas. Now get back to work, you Fat Humps!
[singing the Twelve Days of Christmas]
[a horribly failed attempt at the Twelve Days of Christmas]
Council of Doom: On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Black Widow: Leonard Nimoy Sings!
Tansut: Four quesadillas!
Lokar: Three reruns of "What's Happening!"
Metallus: Two plus eight is ten.
Brak: Hi, my name is Braaaak!
Space Ghost: Enough! That was pitiful!
Space Ghost: Welcome back, stupid viewers! You'll watch anything! Go ahead, change the channel. You'll be back!
[Conan is trying to get Space Ghost to admit that he was once alive]
Conan O'Brien: [shouts] Face it, space ghost!
Space Ghost: No!
Conan O'Brien: You're a spaceman that choked on a muffin!
Space Ghost: That, Sir, is impossible, because I am allergic to muffins!
Conan O'Brien: Oh, I'm sorry.
Space Ghost: Yeah. You're thinking of "Muffin-Hunter". He's different.
Space Ghost: Dennis, you've played a number of cops. Tell us how you came to be Robocop - the ultimate cop!
Dennis Miller: Well, listen, I had, uh, done a one-man show as Peter Weller called "Give 'Em Hell, Peter" for years off-Broadway...
Space Ghost: Hang on, Peter. I'm way too angry to check out each off-Broadway production of "Robocop." I'll wait until it's on-Way!
Space Ghost: Hey, have you heard my famous story?
Space Ghost: It starts in a couple of minutes.
Space Ghost: Beat. A long beat.
Dennis Miller: [laughing] C'mon, what, do you need an edit point, Space Ghost?
Space Ghost: The race war had begun.
[cartoon stock footage of missiles and robots appears]
Space Ghost: Machines were building robot babies to replace other babies. Everyone knows what happened next.
[cartoon stock footage of surfing teens]
Space Ghost: The end!
Dennis Miller: [laughs]
Space Ghost: Written by Space Ghost! Robots by ILM... and Space Ghost!
Space Ghost: George Lucas by Space Ghost! House lights up, people leave theater. Trash... everywhere.
Space Ghost: Bears are Crazy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing a steak on it.
Space Ghost: I have a giant brain that is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer.
Space Ghost: Can you all come down to jail and get me out of jail? 'Cause guess where I am.
Space Ghost: JAIL.
Space Ghost: [to Master Shake] You need to chill out, and shut your lid cup, or else it'll be time to shake it up!
Space Ghost: And the drinks are on me.
Space Ghost: Cause I'm tired of milking this shake. And there's no... free refills this time.
Space Ghost: Excuse me Mam but the machine seems to be out of ice and, I just purchased this.
Space Ghost: Let me, let me rework this.
[Space Ghost follows ant that had bit him]
Space Ghost: That's right, I'm following you. Just keep walking. For every 300 steps your little ant feet take I take only 1
Space Ghost: That's it, run, run home. Take me to your family, for they will pay with my vengeance.
[Hidden door opens revealing giant ant 5 stories high]
Space Ghost: Hey, your son just bit me, here. I wanna know what *you're* gonna do about it
[after pause giant ant screeches, chases Space Ghost]
Space Ghost: [while running away] Your son is a moron!
Space Ghost: Will you please keep your mind on the music?
Zorak: I can't. It's mating season.
Space Ghost: So, what's the big deal? Unless... Zorak, is it your first time?
Zorak: Don't be ridiculous. I've mated, uh, lots of times.
Moltar: Wait a minute. That can't be true!
Zorak: And why not?
Moltar: Because your head's still attached to your body.
Isaac Hanson: Do we get a cool, invisible... Thing?
Zac Hanson: One of those belt things?
Space Ghost: Seat belts? Those are for nerds! You boys aren't nerds, are ya? 'Cause this ain't the nerd taxi.
Space Ghost: It's a free country!
Snakefish: Then you're still free to bite my ass, huh?
Space Ghost: Yeah, bring your snake-ass over here and say that!
Snakefish: I just did and you didn't do anything!
Space Ghost: I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country.
Space Ghost: Now, you boys have teeth, don't ya?
Zac Hanson: What?
Space Ghost: Look at that! Three boys with teeth. And hair... Beautiful girl hair...
Zac Hanson: What are you trying to say?
Space Ghost: The little one looks like Claudia Schiffer.
Space Ghost: You ever work with Lassie?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: If by "working," you mean "bang up the ass," then yes... I have "worked" with her.
Space Ghost: Ho ho! Heh... Ah-huh. Whe-heh.
[Turns to Zorak]
Space Ghost: You hear what that guy said?
Zorak: [Turns to Space Ghost] ... No.
Space Ghost: [Small giggle] He said he "banged a dog up the you-know-what."
Zorak: [Turns to Space Ghost] ... No...
[Looks at camera, then turns back]
Space Ghost: Can you say "bang a dog up the ass" on T.V.?
Zorak: [Turns to Space Ghost] ... No.
Space Ghost: Anything happen?
Zorak: Um... I think some money came in.
Space Ghost: Really? Hang on...
Space Ghost: Ooookay... I, *too*, *banged a dog up the a... *
Space Ghost: [Please stand by]
[Cheesy music playing]
Space Ghost: [Space Ghost is in Moltar's director's lair] Oh, come on, Moltar! It's not like it was *alive* or anything.
Moltar: They can take you off the air for that kind of shit... Duh... Brrrph... I mean... stuff.
Space Ghost: When did you become such a "Puritan?"
[Space Ghost teleports back to his desk]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Can we talk about some of the songs for a second?
Space Ghost: Sure, we can talk about anything...
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Yes...
Space Ghost: ...So long as "Sister Mary Moltar" isn't in the room!
Moltar: You're really diggin' yourself a *deep hole*!
Space Ghost: [On Moltar's monitor] A hole that I will *bang my way ou... *
Space Ghost: [Please stand by]
[Space Ghost is back with Moltar]
Space Ghost: Calm down with this "religion!"
[Triumph starts making out with a sheep sock-puppet on the monitor]
Moltar: You know, all this salty language... See, it ain't helpin' the found...
Space Ghost: [Interrupting] All I know, Moltar, is that I'm trying to create a "Retardo"-free society.
Moltar: Well, you'll probably have the thanks of... all the retarded people watching.
Space Ghost: They're not retarded, Moltar... "Retardo" is the name of the disease, ok? I named it... And tonight with this cute little dog's help...
[Triumph is on the monitor humping the sheep sock-puppet]
Space Ghost: ... We're going to find a cure.
Space Ghost: I'm gonna go to the desk, now...
Zorak: You go ahead and *try*. You see what you get.
[teleports to the desk]
Space Ghost: Here I am now... At the desk.
Moltar: [shouts] You got lucky, Pal!
Zorak: You try it *next time*! You see what you get!
Space Ghost: Look, Moe. He's trying to tell us something. What is it, boy? There's trouble? Trouble at the farm? Farms have chickens. What is it, boy? Speak! Speak, boy! Just come out and say it! Out with it, man!
[Teller pulls a deck of cards out of his mouth one-by-one and throws them all over the place]
Space Ghost: Ew... That's disgusting! Don't think you're not cleaning that up.
[Teller gets up and walks away]