[Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]
Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.
Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
Janice: [repeated line throughout the series] Oh... my... God!
Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"
Rachel: See? Unisex.
Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.
Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
[Rachel is upset about something]
Phoebe: Aww Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that's your name.
Phoebe: Oh, Pheebs is short for Phoebe I thought that's just what we called each other.
Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.
Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange.
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.
Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada.
Chandler: I'll let myself out.
[Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]
Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
[Monica and Chandler look impressed]
Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How bout receiving?
[Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom]
Joey: I'm hungry.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax. It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.
Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Chandler: Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica: I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler: It's like a big hug.
Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Phoebe: What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross: My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey: I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel: Come on, you have to answer.
Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
Monica: You don't like the game, because you suck at it.
Chandler: I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.
Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.
Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.
[after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Joey: He's grieving.
[We see Chandler running outside]
Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE.
Rachel: You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.
Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane.
Phoebe: They're coming. Run!
Chandler: We're getting a house.
Monica: We're getting a baby.
Chandler: We're growing up.
Monica: We sure are.
Chandler: So who's going to tell them?
Monica: Not it.
Chandler: Not it. Damn it!
Rachel: ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr Long: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!
Monica: I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross.
Rachel: I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.
Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
Chandler: That was five years ago.
Joey: I know. You got five more years.
Joey: You want to make it six?
Chandler: You are not gonna believe what I did today.
Monica: Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave.
Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms. Chandler.
Chandler: Although, I hope they don't.
Monica: Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms. Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump?
Chandler: Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five!
Monica: What is the matter with your hand?
Chandler: Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words.
Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because it's awesome.
Monica: You think this is clever?
Chandler: Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge.
Monica: Wait a minute, this one's not dirty.
Chandler: Well, it is, when you put it together with that one.
Monica: Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there.
Chandler: Come on, he wont even know what they mean.
Monica: He's seven, not stupid.
Chandler: Have you talked to him lately?
Monica: All right, I'm just going to unplug it...
Chandler: No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work!
[Monica unplugs it]
Chandler: Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip!
Monica: You gotta beat your scores.
Chandler: With the claw?
Monica: Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger".
Chandler: Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!
[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?
Joey: Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
Chandler: You've got waaaay too much free time.
[Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes]
Rachel: Veto. Rain.
Ross: Veto. Mark.
Rachel: Veto. Vince.
Ross: Veto. Lance.
Rachel: Veto. James.
Rachel: If it's a girl.
Phoebe: Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?
Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?
[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall...
Chandler: ...in exchange for money.
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler: Oh, my God.
Monica: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best...
Monica: There's a reason why girls don't do this.
Chandler: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Phoebe: [explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song] And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it.
Phoebe: I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes.
Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.
Ross: [after trying to kiss his cousin]
Ross: Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER.
[actually speaking to his cousin]
Ross: I haven't had sex in a very long time.
Ross: Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.
[Ross and Joey's first meeting]
Ross: [glum] My wife's a lesbian.
Chandler: Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.
Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance.
Ben: Thanks, daddy.
Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.
Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.
Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today?
Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.
Chandler: You can't come in.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?
Phoebe: Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.
Ross: I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?
[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.
Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Ross: [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink.
Chandler: And a LEMON LIME.
Ross: You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Joey: And last but not least.
[Monica receives her gift]
Joey: They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.
Joey Tribbiani: [after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!
Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: [on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on.
Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks.
Monica: That is the unusual activity.
Mike Hanigan: You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you?
Mike Hanigan: Oh okay. You just have that look.
Ross: [to himself] Damn SuperCuts!
Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.
Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...
[notices Monica's angry glare]
Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.
[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]
Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!
Chandler: I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?
Rachel: Wha... married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?
Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!
[Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants]
Ross: C'mon man, just take 'em off, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun.
Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.
Rachel: Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need?
Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel: Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel: Okay, that is all you.
[Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony]
Chandler: Too many jokes. Must mock Joey.
[Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding]
Monica: Why must your family be Scottish?
Chandler: Why must your family be *Ross*?
Monica: [chasing after him] Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it.
Chandler: [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'
[Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
[looks all confused]
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents?
Monica: No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay?
Monica: Give me one more.
[hands her one]
Ross: I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool."
Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.
Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.
[Rachel doesn't take his advice]
Joey: Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
Chandler: The only way I would've said six would have been if I had said, "Let's meet at seven, not at six."
Monica: The only way I would've said seven, would have been if I had said, 'Wow, my boyfriend is such a wiseass... Seven!'
[doing a crossword puzzle]
Ross: Heating device.
Ross: Five letters.
[Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop]
Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: I thought you were Chandler.
[Joey looks disturbed]
Gunther: [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there.
Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them?
Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?
Monica: Okay. Wait-wait-wait. Shhh.
[Bangs on her glass with a spoon to make a toast]
Monica: Okay, umm, I just wanna say that... I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night.
[Chandler clears his throat]
Monica: Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit.
Joey: [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
Joey: Get out of the way jackass.
Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
[the girls walk away]
Joey: You'll tell me later?
Chandler: You already know.
Nora Bing: Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy...
Nora Bing: [softly] ... and a fantastic lover.
Chandler: Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.
[Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over]
Monica: How ya doin'?
Chandler: Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it.
[talking about Ralph Lauren]
Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.
Ross: Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs?
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross: Hey, I might.
Monica: Did you just smell my hair?
Monica: Oh my God, you still have feelings for me, don't you?
Pete: No I don't.
Monica: None at all?
Pete: Okay I love you, is that so wrong?
Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?
Monica: I'll have a latte.
Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.
Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little...
Phoebe: You know I was just being polite.
Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.
Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.
Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.
Chandler: I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.
Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.
Chandler: [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.
Joey: I know.
[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.
Rachel: [upset] All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
[she starts crying]
Rachel: And it was uneven for weeks.
Ross: [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
Rachel: And I was thinking Claire Danes.
Joey: [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour] Joey Tribianni
Joey: Yeah I'm single
Joey: Actor... hello?
Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Ross: [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.
Phoebe: [wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?
Rachel: He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"
[Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]
Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home?
[Ross enters with his gift for Mona]
Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here.
Ross: [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day.
[Mona stares angrily at Ross]
Ross: Or, something to remember me by...
[a ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]
Phoebe: Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.
Monica: All I have is oregano and a Fresca.
Phoebe: That's okay.
Phoebe: All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel: OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
Monica: Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Ross: [to his parents] Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Phoebe: Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.
[about Ross being in love with Rachel]
Phoebe: This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge?
Joey: Uh, this?
Rachel: Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional. And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour.
Phoebe: My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.
Rachel: Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby, you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together, coz I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore.
Rachel: No, no we're not.
Ben: Coz you and dad were on a break.
Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: Well, what did you ask her?
Joey: 'When can you move in?'.
Joey: [thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel.
[Rachel walks into the room]
Rachel: Hey, sweetie.
Joey: [thinking] I love you.
Joey: I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.
Chandler: That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.
Joey: OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.
[Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck]
Chandler: Could we BE more white trash?
Chandler: All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...
Chandler: Well, except you.
Phoebe: What happens to the old Christmas trees?
Joey: They go into the chipper.
Phoebe: Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?
Janine: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
Joey: [mumbles] Oomchimawa.
Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.
Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?
Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a
[On living alone]
Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
Chandler: My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi.
Monica: Who's Mr. Gribaldi?
Chandler: DOES IT MATTER?
Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.
Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning.
[Monicas stares at him]
Chandler: Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?
Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".
Monica: [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend] So, how did you two meet?
Nora Bing: Well, actually, it's a funny story...
Chandler: Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-
[makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out]
Joey: I am telling this to Rachel.
Monica: No, Joey.
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni.
Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.
Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.
[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]
Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.
Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?
Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
[after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward]
Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah I know. I miss that.
Joey: Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
[long, awkward pause]
Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.
Monica: So you wanna?
Chandler: I can't.
Monica: [Snaps] Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler: I can't because of Emma.
Monica: Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.
Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?
Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself.
Joey: [laughs] You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?
Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.
Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced.
Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...
[Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment]
Judy Geller: Well, we'll get going.
Jack Geller: Bye.
Monica: Hey. How come they get to leave?
Joey: Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country.
Monica: No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.
[Looking through the ads in a newspaper]
Monica: There are no jobs for me.
Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.
[Telling Rachel how to be sexy]
Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose".
Joey: Where this plumber chick...
Chandler: She was a welder
Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie?
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?
Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!
Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Ross: Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class.
Chandler: Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?
Rachel: Didn't the chick and the duck di...
Phoebe: -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.
Rachel: [looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work] Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.
Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf.
[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding]
Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!
Monica: I'll never have a first kiss again.
Phoebe: You'll have a last kiss.
[a beautiful women is checking out Chandler]
Phoebe: [stands up] Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec...
[clears throat and talks in a deep voice]
Phoebe: Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out.
Joey: [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls] Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!
Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea?
Phoebe: [weakly] Uh-huh.
Joey: This man is my God!
Phoebe: [Rachel's hormones are raging] She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month?
Monica: Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me.
Phoebe: Did not!
Monica: Yes, you did.
[puts on a seductive look]
Monica: Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on.
[blows Monica a kiss]
Rachel: Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!
Monica: Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time!
Chandler: You see that?
Monica: Do you see this?
[opens her mouth and stares]
Monica: [Monica has refused to go out with Chandler] Darn it! There's no more soda.
Chandler: I'll go get some.
Chandler: Well, I would,
Chandler: but I'm not your boyfriend!
Monica: [the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.
Chandler: [to Joey] You know that's not really true.
Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.
Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that.
Chandler: [after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre]
Chandler: Just reach over and pick it up...
[discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth]
Chandler: There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*!
[suddenly starts to gag]
Chandler: And now you're choking.
Jill Goodacre: [frowns] Are you okay?
[Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up]
Janice: [Janice walks downstairs and finds Monica and Chandler looking at her house] What a small world!
Chandler: ...And yet, I never run into Beyonce.
Joey Tribbiani: You don't put words in people's mouths, you put *turkey* in people's mouths!
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
Chandler: Uh huh! Join me, won't you?
Ross: [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller.
Jack Geller: DR. Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...
Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.
Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!
Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!
Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?
Ross: ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: We were on a break!
Chandler: Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!
Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?
Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to...
Jack Geller: [ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
Judy Geller: [incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
[in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot]
Monica: The sun is out!
Chandler: [squinting in pain] Hey, remember when I had corneas?
Reporter: I like that. what's your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.
[after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross]
Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?
Ross: [holding a bottle of champagne] Gunther, six glasses!
Gunther: [hopeful] Six? You want me to join you?
Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five will be fine.
[Gunther walks away disappointed]
Ross: Boy I'm gonna get spit in my coffee, now.
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha.
Joey: [during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus'] Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'.
[notices Rachel is also laughing]
Rachel: [stifling laugh] No, 'homo'.
Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
Chandler: You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Me too.
Chandler: You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering?
Monica: The wedding's off, sloppy and immature.
[they get up]
Monica: Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room.
Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica: Shrill? The wedding's back on.
Chandler: [dancing and singing] She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back.
Monica: Don't you still have to pee?
Chandler: That's why I'm dancing.
Rachel: I've never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe: You've never asked a guy out?
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?
Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.
[Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship]
Monica: Can't we tell your parents first?
Richard: They're both dead.
Monica: Oh, you are *so* lucky.
Joey: Hey Ross. If homo sapiens were in fact "homo sapiens", could that be why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey! I'm not judging here.
Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower?
Chandler: Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.
[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica]
Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
Chandler: I hope he did.
Rachel: You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast?
Jill Green: No. What?
Rachel: Well... she died.
Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.
Phoebe: Quit being so "testosterony".
Chandler: ...The real San Francisco treat.
[after settling a fight between Monica and Rachel]
Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.
Rachel: [walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages.
Chandler: And you thought of that in there?
Monica: Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.
Chandler: You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.
Chandler: I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like.
Joey: Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".
Chandler: Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.
Chandler: [taking duck out in the hallway] Now you stay out here and you think about what you did.
Ross: That's a duck.
Chandler: That's a bad duck.
Monica: Is this too cute? Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
Monica: What? I'm not like I'm gonna put little nipples on them.
Phoebe: Hey, can we turn on the TV? I think it's raining outside.
Chandler: Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew. Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster.
Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
Monica: This has been like my dream ever since I got my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened "Easy Monica's Bakery".
Joey: Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.
Phoebe: Really? Mine get me out of tickets.
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.
Monica: [about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler: That-that's bad?
Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7.
Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.
Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.
Monica: Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
Monica: There's more beer right?
Tommy: So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: Yeah, ok, At ease soldier.
Joey: Hey Mon, I got a question for you.
Monica: Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.
Phoebe: Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
Monica: Chandler. You're smoking again?
Chandler: Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still...
Chandler: Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Chandler: All right.
Chandler: Yes, this is Rachel.
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Monica: Wow, you - you worked in a mine?
Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?
Phoebe: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while...
Chandler: Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control...
Monica: Oh! Relinquish is just a fancy word for "lose"!
[Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up]
Chandler: Great show. Good work, Joey.
Joey: You liked it?
Chandler: Liked it? I loved it.
Joey: What did you like best about it?
Chandler: I liked... everything the whole show.
Joey: What about the specifics?
Chandler: Specifics? Specifics were the best part.
Joey: What about the scene with the kangaroo?
Chandler: I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
Joey: You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.
Phoebe: Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you.
Phoebe: Except for you, Joey.
Phoebe: A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.
Phoebe: [sings] Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!
Chandler: ...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"
Monica: [to everybody] We have to talk.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. All right no I'm not.
Monica: All right, we have to talk.
Phoebe: There it is.
Joey: [to Ross] Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food.
Chandler: Of course there they'd just call it food.
[Ross looking at Monica's legs]
Chandler: Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs
Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
Monica: My motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.
Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
[Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed]
Joey: Aw, man. He took the five of spades.
[looks through deck]
Joey: No, here it is.
Phoebe: We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys.
Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.
[Rachel complaining about her father]
Rachel: Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady".
Chandler: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that.
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.
[Chandler's trying to quit smoking]
Chandler: Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Ross: Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch.
Chandler: [deadpan] Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
[talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler]
Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
Rachel: God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride.
[shows Phoebe the picture]
Rachel: And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.
Phoebe: I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?"
Monica: Which one was that?
Phoebe: You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza... ".
Jill Green: All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.
[Chandler's drunk from having jello shots]
Monica: Stick out your tongue.
Chandler: Take off your shirt.
[Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready]
Rachel: I'll just become a lesbian
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have you
[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]
Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award.
Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means.
Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.
Rachel: Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.
[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe: Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe: Kick me in the stomach why don't you.
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?
[Monica and Chandler come back from London]
Phoebe: Oh, my god. You had sex.
Monica: No, we didn't.
Phoebe: [to Chandler] I know YOU didn't, I'm saying she did.
Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.
Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.
Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie.
Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.
[winks at Joey]
[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.
Joey: You two were having sex.
Monica: No, we weren't.
Joey: Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair.
Joey: You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?
Chandler: [to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".
Ross: [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on.
[gets second line]
Ross: Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on.
[returns to second line]
Ross: Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend.
[switches back to second line]
Monica: Give me that.
Monica: Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house?
Monica: Oh, hi mom.
[starts throwing things at Ross]
Chandler: [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
Joey: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
Joey: No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.
[Chandler kicks, out of sight]
Joey: I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.
Joey: What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.
[At an audition]
Joey: Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent.
[with Jamaican accent]
Joey: Ya, mon.
Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.
Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.
[after having sex with Rachel's boss]
Rachel: You promised you would break up with her.
Chandler: I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.
[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it]
Rachel: I will have the uh,
Rachel: side salad.
Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?
[Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down]
Joey: Hey, do you need any help?
Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?
Rachel: [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?
[talking to Monica]
Chandler: Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
Monica: Do you ever think about the future?
Richard: Yeah, I think about the future.
Monica: Am I in it?
Richard: You are my future.
Monica: Honey, you are about to get so lucky.
Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.
Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?
Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.
Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.
[Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress]
Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.
Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.
Chandler: You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?
Phoebe: Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.
Richard: [about Chandler & Joey] They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"
Joey: There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.
Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?
Rachel: I've never been to an analyst!
Phoebe: And it shows.
Rachel: You gotta come with me!
Phoebe: Come where?
Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones!
Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too.
Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Joey: By someone besides Monica?
Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Monica: He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!
[Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters]
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.
Phoebe: Sting's pen...
[as she puts it in her purse]
Phoebe: ... that he gave to Phoebe.
Chandler: What are you guys like a gang or something?
[Joey whispers to Rachel]
Joey: Yeah, we are.
[Rachel whispers to Joey]
Rachel: We're the Cobras.
Erica: [playing a joke on Chandler] It'd really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, if you'd name him after my father - JimminyBillyBob.
Chandler: [talking to Monica about the new house] When did you start crapping money?
Rachel: Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose.
Joey: Just flip the coin!
Rachel: You didn't finish reading it?
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back!
Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.
Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?
Monica: What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother,
[trying to pronounce her name in French]
Phoebe: Nestlé Toulouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: [again trying to pronounce it in French] Nestlé Toulehouse.
Monica: Nestle Toll House?
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
Benjamin Hobart: If you say yes, I'm serious, if you say no, I'm joking.
Joey: Do you practice losing at the Grammys too?
Rachel: No, at the Grammys, I always win.
Janice: It's a small world after all.
Chandler: Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!
[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]
Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.
[kisses him on the cheek]
Ross: [waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom] Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
Ross: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
Richard: I have a little comb.
Ross: Oh. And what do you call that?
Richard: A moustache comb.
Joey: How come we don't have jam at our place?
Chandler: Because the kids need shoes.
Phoebe: It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain.
Joey: Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain.
Rachel: Oh... me too!
Phoebe: Huh! I bet they're doing it!
Rachel: How about for a girl, Rain?
Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."
Phoebe: I know her!
[Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room]
Joey: You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e
[Listening to Phoebe and Mike breaking up whilst holding a heavy sofa]
Chandler: Aaaaaand... Hernia.
Phoebe: [singing] Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.
Chandler: [Monica thinks their maid stole her pants and bra] Monica, come on do you really think that she would steal from us, then come back and wear it right in front of you?
Monica: Don't you see? It's the PERFECT crime!
Chandler: [acting as outraged as her] She must have been planning this for years!
Phoebe: Today is Mike and my one year anniversary.
Rachel: Oh! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date? Your first kiss? The first time you had sex?
Monica: [talking about the stock market] My motto is, get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.
Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins?
Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.
Phoebe: Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.
Ross: All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won.
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried.
Ross: Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.
Chandler: That was you.
Ross: Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.
Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.
[winks at Ross]
Ross: Why'd you wink at me?
Joey: Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much.
Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.
Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.
Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.
Phoebe: You still love Rachel.
Ross: No, I don't.
Phoebe: You got married to her.
Ross: In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey.
Phoebe: [angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.
Chandler: Ok, I'm just going to go outside.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, hold it.
Chandler: Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air.
Chandler: [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette] Ahh, fresh air...
Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible.
Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.
[Chandler is caught smoking]
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years.
Chandler: And this- is my reward.
Ross: Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit.
Monica: Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.
Monica: Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.
Chandler: ...All right.
Chandler: But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.
Monica: Ok, so who's going to be there?
Chandler: No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.
Ross: Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
Chandler: Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
Joey: [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...
Ross: So, uh, how long are you going to punish him?
Joey: Five years.
Ross: You've sentenced him?
Joey: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay?
Rachel: Now I love you even more.
Joey: Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.
Ross: Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin?
Ross: I think it'll be a boy.
Phoebe: I think it'll be a girl.
Ross: Phoebe, you thought Ben would be a girl.
Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball?
[Rachel, Phoebe and Joey have just found out that Chandler, Ross and Monica went to an after party with Hootie and the Blowfish]
Phoebe: What's on your neck?
Monica: That? That would be the work of a Blowfish.
Gunther: Here is tour coffee.
Ross: Thanks Gunther, or "dank je wel voor de koffie".
Gunther: You are speaking Dutch - "heb je familie daar?"
Ross: Yeah we are done.
Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
[pounding a scone]
Ross: Stupid British snack food.
Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
[In response to a stupid comment]
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal!
Chandler: [pointing] I *knew* it!
Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel: You shouldn't.
Phoebe: [Imitating someone really annoying] "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?
Ross: What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!
Phoebe: Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.
Chandler: Because, it... it's not his last name.
Phoebe: It isn't?
Chandler: No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.
Phoebe: Oh, oh okay...
Phoebe: There should *be* a gold man!
Carol: Oh, what do you know? No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this
Carol: pot roast through it?"
Chandler: I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did!
Chandler: No, freak show! She's fictional!
Ross: Okay, there you go.
Rachel: Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.
Kate Miller: [they are doing a scene] I have a question about this scene.
The Director: Yes?
Kate Miller: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
[Joey plays Victor, she plays Adrienne]
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good-looking.
Kate Miller: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one? It says so in the script! Y'know, I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
Kate Miller: It does not say that in the script.
Joey: It does in mine!
Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex?
Joey Tribbiani: [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him] Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!
Monica: Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler: I'm not macho.
Monica: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
Julie: [Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple] You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick.
Chandler: Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area?
Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?
Joey: Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: [to Monica] Shouldn't we call the spitter?
Eddie: [Chandler just asked him to move out] This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?
Chandler: No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
[Ross is wearing a white suit]
Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel: Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?
Joey: And look. A phone in the bathroom.
Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.
Joey: Want some jam?
Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.
Rachel: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone.
Monica: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry.
Rachel: For once, could you not just remember every little thing?
Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.
Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.
[In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]
Chandler: How do you not fall down more often?
Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?
Chandler: Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?
Monica: Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.
Rachel: Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!
Rachel: That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.
Phoebe: Yeah that'll kill it.
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point.
Joey: Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.
[Reading Rachel's "romance novel."]
Monica: "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.
[Trying to fix up Monica with a date]
Joey: Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you.
Monica: No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
[When asked if he knows anything about chicks]
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.
[Referring to Janice]
Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Chandler: Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.
[Janice enters Central Perk]
Janice: [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine.
Chandler: Hello, Just Janice.
[advising Ross about Rachel]
Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".
[Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart]
Phoebe: You got a haircut.
David: Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.
Joey: Hey, you know, you could always visit him.
Phoebe: Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?
Monica: Wow. You're a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed more than four women.
Monica: That's probably because their nerves are deadened from being so stupid.
[Chandler walks in]
Joey: You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.
Rachel: Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: I don't have another level!
Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.
Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?
Chandler: I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you...
Ross: [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ]
Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?
Ross: Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler: Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.
Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?
Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
[Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work]
Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time.
Chandler: That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum.
Rachel: [after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross] I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open
Rachel: ha, I made you look.
[on thanksgiving day]
Chandler: So, when's the big game gonna start?
Phoebe: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.
[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]
Jack Geller: Come on, tell us.
Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20?
Richard: I'm not telling you guys anything.
Jack Geller: Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Jack Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
Richard: Jack, would you let it go?
Jack Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.
Richard: Guys, seriously, it's not like that.
Jack Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...
Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him]
Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe?
Rachel: Not right now.
Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment.
Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?
Ross: I'm not a pervert.
Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.
Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight?
Mona: Ok. Bye.
Chandler: [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed.
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
Ross: I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake...
Ross: ...with mealworm.
Joey: Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."
Ross: So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine!
Rachel: Oh yeah... I've done that
Ross: And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword!
Rachel: I've never done that
Ross: And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!
Ross: I want someone who gets my heart pounding
Ross: ... Someone who...
Chandler: Little play things with yarn?
Chandler: Could you want her more?
Chandler: Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".
Ross: Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel?
Chandler: Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight...
Ross: [puts message in cupboard]
Ross: You're crazy!
Benjamin Hobart: Crazy? Or... Romantic?
Benjamin Hobart: Ooor...
Ross: Get out!
Rachel: [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend] Ooh look, she's touching his leg.
Phoebe: Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.
Dr. Leonard Green: So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for,
[points at Mona]
Dr. Leonard Green: so you could hang around with this tramp!
Ross: Oh, uh; Dr. Green, Mona; Mona, Dr. Green.
Ross: You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today!
Chandler: Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
Ross: The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
Monica: I am so jealous.
Rachel: You guys are really just right there.Aren't you?
Chandler: Yes... Right where?
Monica: The beginning, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking...
Chandler: Yeah you gotta love the talking.
Monica: And the sex?
Chandler: Alright we hadn't have sex yet. Okay. What's the big deal?This is special. I want our love to grow before moving to the next level.
Rachel: Oh, chandler, that is so nice.
Ross: That is really nice... Lying! No way is that the reason.
Rachel: Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?
Chandler: He's right. I'm totally lying.
Monica: Then what is it?
Chandler: Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross: And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes?
Chandler: No. I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
Ross: I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler: Yes and I was saying the actual words.
Monica: Big deal. So Joey has had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's great in bed.
Chandler: We share a wall. So either is great in bed, or she just liked to agree with him a lot.
Monica: With you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great because you guys are in love.
Ross: Just go for it Chandler.
Chandler: All right. All right. I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.