Dr. Robert Romano: I'm beginning to think that "ER" stands for "everyone's retarded".
Dr. Kerry Weaver: [leaving Luka a message] Luka, this is Kerry Weaver. I'm down two attendings and up 40 patients. If you don't get in here and start working your scheduled shifts, I'm gonna call the INS, tell 'em your greencard's a fake, and have your ass deported
Dr. Luka Kovac: I don't even know who she is!
Abby Lockhart: She knows who you are.
Dr. Luka Kovac: I don't think so.
Abby Lockhart: Oh, Luka, every woman who works in the hospital knows who you are. Trust me.
Dr. Mark Greene: Hey Jerry, don't we have a 'Lost and now is ours' box?
Nurse Lily Jarvik: Anyone seen Dr. Weaver?
Dr. Doug Ross: Follow the trail of partially-digested residents.
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: I've found a way to limit my Romano exposure.
Dr. Peter Benton: Oh yeah, what's that? Garlic?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Students wanna be residents... residents wanna be attendings...
Dr. John Carter: And attendings just wanna be left alone.
Nurse Haleh Adams: I've been doin' this job for 17 years, honey. Doctors come and go, but nurses make this place run. We don't get much credit or pay. We see a lot of misery, a lot of dyin', but we come back every day. I've given up bein' appreciated, but I sure as hell won't let any of us be taken for granted.
Dr. John Carter: [after Abby caught him kissing Susan] It's really more about friendship than anything else.
Abby Lockhart: Really? I've never seen you kiss Frank like that.
[Ross is a pediatrician]
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm not a grown-up doctor.
Nurse Lydia Wright: Yes, we know.
Neela Rasgotra: [giving her large family the tour] Back there is the suture room where we attend to minor skin wounds.
[a naked patient reveals himself]
Neela Rasgotra: That's a naked patient. Let's step this way.
Dr. Susan Lewis: [Greene and Lewis discussing the hospital gossip about them] Mmm, yeah, and what is that, can I ask you? My car's in the shop, I drop Susie off at my parents, meet up with you to go tequila shopping, and all of a sudden we're having a torrid affair?
Dr. Mark Greene: Who said it was torrid?
Dr. Susan Lewis: No one, I'm just assuming it would be.
[Greene looks at her]
Dr. Susan Lewis: That's not what I meant.
Dr. Mark Greene: That's OK, I know what you meant... I'm sure it would be too... Why wouldn't it be?
Dr. Susan Lewis: ...No reason at all.
[she stares at Greene and then at her margarita]
Dr. Susan Lewis: There's not enough lime in this.
Dr. Michael Gallant: This may sound silly now, but outside in the bay this morning, I was thinking about asking you out.
Dr. Neela Rasgotra: I was thinking about saying yes.
Abby Lockhart: [admiring Luka's dinner preparations] Have you been watching Martha Stewart again?
Dr. Susan Lewis: All he did was talk about his ex for 45 minutes, who also happened to be named Susan. How much he loved her, how much he wanted to marry her, how much he wanted to have 5 or 6 children with her... Do I want children?... Do I want 5 or 6 children?
Dr. Mark Greene: Okay, Tad could be worse.
Dr. Susan Lewis: I'm not even there yet, Mark. I look over, and he has this drop of red wine hanging from his nose.
Dr. Mark Greene: What?
Dr. Susan Lewis: You heard me, this puny little blob just hanging there. So of course I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Is it gonna fall? is it gonna hang there all night? Is his skin gonna absorb it?
Dr. Mark Greene: How did it get there?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Mark!
Dr. Mark Greene: No really, how do you get your nose that far into a wine glass? Was he smelling it or...
Dr. Susan Lewis: [laughing] Mark, please!
Dr. Mark Greene: What happened?
Dr. Susan Lewis: I went to the bathroom and snuck out the window.
Dr. Mark Greene: You're kidding.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Nope.
Dr. Mark Greene: Wow.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Did you even take the Hippocratic Oath?
Dr. Robert Romano: I had my fingers crossed.
Dr. Robert Romano: Ladies, if I wanted to see a good cat fight I'd watch The View
Dr. John Carter: We have a man with a large carrot stuck in his colon coming in.
Lucy Knight: How did he ever swallow it whole?
[In the OR]
Dr. Robert Romano: Will somebody turn down the damn heat. Feels like a hundred in here.
Nurse: The thermostat is set at 68 degrees.
Dr. Peter Benton: Maybe you're coming down with the flu.
Dr. Robert Romano: It's NOT the flu.
Nurse: Maybe you're going through "The Change."
Female patient: If men needed abortions, there would be drive-thru windows with beer on tap and ESPN on the TVs.
Jerry Markovic: Dr. Clemente?
Jerry Markovic: Just a minute, please.
Jerry Markovic: Uh, well CT's calling about your patient Darrel Insley.
Dr. Victor Clemente: Yeah, so what did Big Darrel do now?
Jerry Markovic: He stopped breathing.
Dr. Victor Clemente: And why the hell would he do that?
Dr. Luka Kovac: Try not to hit Morris with any desk tools.
Abby Lockhart: I'm not promising anything.
Dr. Neela Rasgotra: Gus, how are you doing?
Patient: Haven't thrown up in an hour.
Dr. Neela Rasgotra: What about the other end?
Patient: It's slowing down.
Dr. Neela Rasgotra: That's what I like to hear.
Abby Lockhart: I have the results from your blood exams. They show that you have leukemia.
Patient: [Takes a deep breath and resumes talking] Thank God! I thought you were going to say I have cancer!
Abby Lockhart: These are the desk clerks, Jerry and Frank, please don't feed them.
Abby Lockhart: In what possible universe would I say "Let's polka?"
Dr. Peter Benton: Last time he came in here, he yelled in my stethoscope.
Dr. Cleo Finch: He grabbed my ass. Suck it up.
Dr. Robert Romano: ...And if wishes were horses, we'd be knee-deep in crap.
Dr. John Carter: I got stabbed! I got stabbed in the back! Where the hell where you? You were the same place you've been my entire life, you were someplace else!
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: That's it, Mark. I'm not stayin' here anymore. Every faucet leaks; your toilet actually rocks.
Dr. Mark Greene: I kind of like that.
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: There are things scurrying about in the walls. Do you know what scurries about in walls, Mark?
Dr. Mark Greene: Bunnies?
Jerry Markovic: Dr. Ross, this came for you.
Dr. Mark Greene: Bad news?
Dr. Doug Ross: No. Just got denied a loan by a bank whose motto is "We loan money to anyone."
Carol Hathaway: What were you thinking? What could you possibly have thought would happen tonight? That you would show up on my doorstep at midnight, drunk and I would find that as some sort grand gesture of love? That I would invite you back into my life, into my bed? Is that what you imagined would happen tonight? You have no right to even think about doing this.
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm sorry.
Carol Hathaway: Do you think you love me? For how long Doug? How long till you start wondering if there isn't someone better in the next room or the next bar? How long until that little voice in your head reminds you of all the infinite 22-year-olds you could be screwing tomorrow, or the next day, or the next? I will not let you do this to me again.
Abby Lockhart: I'm beginning to hate Neela.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Well, she's a med student.
Abby Lockhart: I'm a med student!
Dr. Susan Lewis: To tell you the truth, she's starting to piss me off, too. Let's hate her together.
Dr. Mark Greene: [to the bickering Chen and Malucci] You know why we only had one kid? So I wouldn't have to deal with the two of them fighting in the backseat.
Frank: [describing Jodie] She's kind of a looker, in an 'interstate off-ramp' kind of way.
Dr. John Carter: [Instructing his med student] Grab that penis and show it who's boss.
Stanley: Larry took a bunch of pills, drank a bottle of gin, slit his wrists, and jumped into Lake Michigan.
Patient: Larry really wanted to die.
Abby Lockhart: Oh man, I uh...
Patient: Don't worry dear, you're really very good at this.
Patient: Yeah, everybody loves your sessions.
Stanley: Everybody except Larry.
Dr. Susan Lewis: I think you should talk to him, he seems depressed.
Abby Lockhart: He's european, it's his baseline.
Dr. Greg Pratt: [about Gallant's twin sister] What's she look like?
Dr. Michael Gallant: Picture me in a dress.
Malik: [examining a trauma patient] Check it out, swastikas.
Nurse Connie Oligario: I've got a "die n- die" here.
Nurse Lily Jarvik: [to the patient] How do you feel about Asians?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Frank, are you taking your cholesterol medication?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Good.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Okay, I'm gonna go to Doc Magoo's, get some breakfast, find a toothbrush, change my underwear, and then I'll clear your board.
Abby Lockhart: You're nicer than I am.
Dr. Mark Greene: That's not much solace.
Abby Lockhart: I'm sorry.
Doris Pickman: Just a scalp lac. No LOC, and enough alcohol in her breath to light a small fire.
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: You might consider boarding school. She could use some structure
Dr. Mark Greene: I could sell her off to pirates.
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: You develop a sense of self worth, community, respect... it worked well for me.
Dr. Mark Greene: Yeah, but...
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: But what?
Dr. Mark Greene: You're British.
Patient: You're the first woman I've talked to in 14 months.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Yeah, I get that a lot. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to marry a convict".
Dr. Susan Lewis: Hey, what do you use for maggots these days?
Dr. Mark Greene: It's a nice thought, but Kerry's immune to it...
Dr. Luka Kovac: Our job is to save lives not to judge them.
Dr. John Carter: You look tired.
Abby Lockhart: Really?
Dr. John Carter: Come to think of it, Frank looks tired, too.
Abby Lockhart: Yeah, that's because I spent the night slapping his ass until 3:00 a.m.
Dr. John Carter: Really?
Abby Lockhart: Well, have you seen him getting down today?
Dr. John Carter: Let's see. Frank! Have you gotten down today?
Dr. John Carter: Never mind.
[Randi is reading everyone's horoscope]
Randi Fronczak: Hey, Abby. What's your sign?
Abby Lockhart: "Out of order".
[Medical student Michael Gallant has worked in the army]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: So working in the ER might not be so crazy to you.
Dr. Michael Gallant: Well, it's a different kind of "crazy".
Dr. Doug Ross: Weaver and the sound of her own voice: A love story.
[about working in the ER]
Dr. Luka Kovac: It's really not so bad down here, Abby.
Abby Lockhart: Oh yeah? Compared to what?
Dr. Dave Malucci: Hey, Chief, am I a yuppie?
Dr. Kerry Weaver: No, but you will be when you grow up.
Alex Taggart: You get any freaks in here today? You know, guys with elephant man disease or axes stuck in their heads?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Should you be looking at that?
Alex Taggart: I'm going to become a doctor.
Frank: Dollars to donuts, that kid is already dissecting the neighborhood pets.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: [complaining about her tardy staff] It's five after seven, is there some kind of natural disaster that I'm unaware of? An earthquake or half of Chicago's been swallowed up by a giant sinkhole?
Dr. Archie Morris: Hey, those are nice shoes. What are they, Adidas?
Dr. Victor Clemente: Get laid, Morris.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: You know what? I'm really very flattered. It's just that I'm, uh... I mean... gosh, you're such a beautiful woman. You're... you're so beautiful. But I'm... I... I'm straight... I mean, I don't... I'm straight. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I don't know... I don't know what's...
[starts laughing, then stops abruptly]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: I mean, I'm sorry... I just... I don't... I feel very...
Dr. Kerry Weaver: ... I'm... You know what?... I... I just... I mean, I... I guess I never even really considered this.
Dr. Mark Greene: You know, people think kids don't listen to their parents, but they do. And if you tell them they are nothing, they think they are nothing.
Abby Lockhart: We've all cried... Sometimes it's the only thing you can do.
Abby Lockhart: First rule of girls' club is: you do not talk about girls' club.
Neela Rasgotra: Where'd you learn that trick?
Dr. Luka Kovac: What, sitting on a patient? I learned it from a congolese nurse named Mwadi.
Neela Rasgotra: What does R.W stand for?
Abby Lockhart: Really whiney?
Dr. Ray Barnett: Refusal to walk.
Neela Rasgotra: Refusal to walk has its own abbreviation.
Dr. Mark Greene: I feel like I'm in Junior High School again.
Dr. Susan Lewis: [Weaver approaches them] Ooh, here comes the assistant principal.
Dr. Luka Kovac: For a long time, even when we weren't connecting a lot, you've... you've been the one person I can count on.
Abby Lockhart: I feel like that, too. You know that means a lot to me, that friendship.
Dr. Mark Greene: [Going over a new colour schedule] Doug, you have a problem?
Dr. Doug Ross: No, just call me Mr. Blue.
Carol Hathaway: Doug can you help me out here. "If a red quark is attracted to an anti-red quark, is it a gluon or a meson?"
Dr. Doug Ross: Thank you, Carol, for pointing out something else i know nothing about.
Carol Hathaway: Oh, Doug, not another serious conversation.
Dr. Doug Ross: You used to say we didn't communicate.
Carol Hathaway: I know, but now you're communicating a little too much.
Dr. Doug Ross: This is important. Can I have a drawer?
Carol Hathaway: What?
Dr. Doug Ross: A drawer. Something you keep your clothes in-something that i can put my clothes in.
Carol Hathaway: You never wanted a drawer before.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Carter, take our friend here, I'm afraid I might stick an IV pole up his ass.
Dr. Dave Malucci: I think Weaver's got it in for me. I dont know what I ever did to Festus to get her so pissed.
Dr. John Carter: Maybe it was calling her Festus.
Dr. Dave Malucci: Well, never to her face.
Patient: [Regarding Neela] What is she, 10?
Dr. Greg Pratt: Actually, she's 16.
Abby Lockhart: [while baby shopping] Maybe a mobile of Croatian diplomats?
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm a doctor and nothing gets in the way of that. Nothing.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: The food was terrible, the music stinks, the drinks were watered down, but you sure know how to throw a party.
Dr. Greg Pratt: [looking at a snapshot of Jake] Nah, boxers would stick out more.
Neela Rasgotra: It could be tighty whiteys.
Dr. Ray Barnett: Hey, maybe Abby could settle this.
Nurse Chuny Marquez: Abby, boxers or briefs?
Abby Lockhart: Actually, he goes commando.
Abby Lockhart: Why'd you stick me with this guy?
Dr. Susan Lewis: When did everyone become such scheduling divas?
Abby Lockhart: Well, I don't need a student. I'm better flying solo.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Is there something wrong with him?
Abby Lockhart: No, he's excellent. He's very good.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Oh, no, you like him, don't you?
Abby Lockhart: Okay, you know what...?
Dr. Susan Lewis: You do! You're blushing!
Abby Lockhart: We never had this conversation.
[starts to walk away]
Dr. Susan Lewis: Hey, haven't you had enough of doctors?
Dr. Kerry Weaver: It's not a good idea to shock a patient who's wide-awake.
Dr. Dave Malucci: You're not the first to be deceived by my rugged good looks and boyish charm.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Why do I feel like a school kid out here?
Dr. John Carter: It must be the adolescent sexual tension.
Randi Fronczak: Hey Dr Greene.
[holds up a knife]
Randi Fronczak: Surgery sent it down. Can I keep it?
Bernard Gamely: [walks into chairs, and sees Lucy sitting in the middle of a luau group] Hey, Luce, you just get here?
Lucy Knight: Bernard, what are you doing?
Bernard Gamely: [looking around at the scene] What happened?
Lucy Knight: Oh, some fire twirler burnt his butt, and the whole troupe's waiting for him.
Dr. Susan Lewis: I need you to promise me you're not going to kill yourself in the next seventy-two hours.
Ben Hollander: But Monday would be okay?
Dr. Susan Lewis: I'm off the hook by then.
Dr. Michael Gallant: Doctor Lewis!
Dr. Susan Lewis: [talking to herself] And I used to think that was so cool to hear... "Doctor Lewis"...
Dr. John Carter: So, what are you gonna do tonight?
Dr. Deb Chen: Oh, the usual. Get drunk, meet a random guy at the bar and have a night of wild sex until I pass out from sheer exhaustion.
Dr. John Carter: Takeout and a hot bath?
Dr. Deb Chen: Yeah.
Dr. Susan Lewis: [to a patient strapped to a gurney] What's your name, sir?
Patient: Edward Kaplin, call me Eddie. You the doc?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Yes I am. How are you feeling?
Patient: Haven't been tied up this tight since last Saturday night.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Thank you for sharing, Mr. Kaplin
Abby Lockhart: So how was it... last night with the surgeon?
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: It was... splendid.
Abby Lockhart: Splendid? Is the British for hot and sweaty?
Benton's Mother: Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.
Dr. Luka Kovac: [playing on a Playstation] Come on, we can hunt zombies together.
Abby Lockhart: Couldn't we just, reason with them?
Dr. Susan Lewis: You pulled all that out of patient's stomachs?
Dr. John Carter: I sure did.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Is that my pen you pulled out?
Dr. John Carter: Rear end.
Dr. Susan Lewis: I always knew you loved your children, but I never realized how much you fell in love with them. Little Susie was like a story book, every smile a new page to be poured over, touched, remembered... I loved my storybook. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel so alone.
Dr. Robert Romano: Tell your chief of staff I expect him to treat each of my patients as if it were his mother, but without all the inappropriate touching.
[Malucci is shooting hoops with a mini basketball net in the ER]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Need something to do, Malucci?
Dr. Dave Malucci: Uh, no thanks, Chief, I'm swamped.
[Dr. Weaver is about to throw a preacher out of the hospital]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Oh, no. Soon he'll start trying to heal people, and that's bad for business.
Nicole: [Nicole made cookies] They're for Luka. Want some?
Dr. John Carter: [looking at Abby] No, I would never touch Luka's cookies.
Dr. Susan Lewis: I can't wait to go home and get into bed. What do you think the chances are of Antonio Banderas waiting there for me?
Dr. Doug Ross: [Telling Carol about when he did his physics exam] He told us we could bring in one sheet into the exam with all the formulas written on it.
Carol Hathaway: And?
Dr. Doug Ross: I brought in a really big sheet.
Patient: What do you do to work out?
Dr. Susan Lewis: I do these
Patient: Curls? How much?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Sometimes a whole pitcher of magaritas.
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: [to Dr. Romano] You're a despicable human being. Do you know that?"
Dr. Michael Gallant: You know, earlier, in the ambulance bay, I was thinking of asking you out.
Neela Rasgotra: And I was thinking of saying yes.
Neela Rasgotra: [after Ray begs her to allow his roommate to stay] Fine, but you're cleaning the bathroom this week... with actual cleaning products.
Abby Lockhart: [after Carter arrives] Glad you're here. Your fan club is getting restless.
Nurse Haleh Adams: What is it with you and nuns, Carter?
Nurse Chuny Marquez: It's almost kinky.
Abby Lockhart: If we were guys, we'd be talking about carbureters.
Dr. Robert Romano: Is anybody in this city not sick? It's like the damn plague down here.
Dr. Robert Romano: Good news and bad news. The bad news is my enlarged prostate guy needs a tube shoved up his urethra. The good news is he gets to have you in his pants.
Ken Ambrose: Don't touch it! It hurts!
Dr. Greg Pratt: We're gonna take care of that.
Ken Ambrose: Oh, God, I see a light!
Dr. Greg Pratt: You're not dying. It's just your ankle.
Ken Ambrose: Oh, God! Ohhhhh!
Dr. Kerry Weaver: [showing medical students around] Most interns send their samples without knowing what happens once they're there. Let's pretend we're a urine sample and find out.
Dr. Susan Lewis: If I was stuck on a train with my family... Well bad example, I'd throw myself on the tracks.
[On a rapist in trauma]
Malik: Let the bastard die.
Dr. Mark Greene: He's a patient like any other. He gets our best effort.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: It's a bizarre thing, Daniel, which makes you a very bizarre guy, but we like that around here.
Jerry Markovic: So you say you're sick, you're broke, you're unemployed and uninsured. Yea, sure, come on over.
Abby Lockhart: Can you help me with this?
[hands Susan a bunch of X-Ray results]
Dr. Susan Lewis: Well, I've denied my bladder this long...
Alex Taggart: I'm going to become a doctor when I grow up.
Frank: Dollars to donuts that kid's already dissecting neighborhood pets.
Nurse Sam Taggart: Men only think about three things: food, sports and sex. Dogs are more mysterious.
Alex Taggart: [to Luka, while playing a video game] Bite me, you Slav bastard.
Nurse Sam Taggart: Are you okay?
Ben Hollander: Yeah. I'm blind, getting blinder every day. Life is good.
Dr. Mark Greene: [to young patient] Next time you have a pinata, make sure the other kids are done swinging at it before you dive for the candy, okay?
Helicopter Paramedic: You ever flown before?
Dr. Mark Greene: Yeah, tons of times.