Dennis Miller Live (1994–2002)
Dennis Miller: [to Dr. Jocelyn Elders] How ironic that masturbation was the topic that caused you to get fired from Washington by a bunch of jagoffs.
Dennis Miller: Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Dennis Miller: Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here...
[last lines of every show]
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That's the news, and I am out of here.
Dennis Miller: [on Jocelyn Elders' comment about teaching masturbation in high school] Masturbation needs to be taught in high school like holding your breath needs to be taught in diving class.
Dennis Miller: [first lines after his first Monday Night Football gig] Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckety-fuck, fuck, *fuck*! It's so good to be home.
Dennis Miller: They say life begins at 40. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.
Dennis Miller: If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
Dennis Miller: Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.
Dennis Miller: William Kelly, the founder of the Kelly Girl temp service, has died this week. His last words were, "Hey, could somebody please sign my time card?"
Dennis Miller: Cheez Whiz is not something you eat, it's something you consult a urologist over.
[after the crowd's reaction]
Dennis Miller: You'll never eat it again, will you?
Dennis Miller: [on a picture of a guy on a motorcycle with a cat riding on top of his helmet] Alright we got three on this one;
[as the cat]
Dennis Miller: "Hey man, pull over, I gotta use the sandbox." Or, "Burt Reynolds got a new hairpiece this week." Or, "HELMETS are for PUSSIES!"
Dennis Miller: [his caption for a picture of George W. Bush speaking, while then-Michigan governor John Engler is looking down with his hands about 3 inches from each other, apparently caught in the act of clapping] While George W. Bush is speaking in Michigan about the economy, governor John Engler shows his assistant how much bacon he wants on his BLT.
Dennis Miller: [repeated line from 1994-1996 seasons] Alright. Who fed it and who ate it this week?
Dennis Miller: [repeated line from the 1997 season on] Alright, what's new in the world this week?
Dennis Miller: Gingrich also told reporters this week that he likes to attend movies as often as he can. When asked what films he's seen lately, the Speaker said Little Bitches. I mean Little Women.
Dennis Miller: You know he said it.