Undercover Blues (1993)
Jane Blue: You took our child into a knife fight?
Jeff Blue: It was a fair fight. Two of them, two of us...
Jeff Blue: [answering phone] Y-ello.
Muerte: This is Blue?
Jeff Blue: Speaking...
Muerte: Do you remember me?
Jeff Blue: Well, you have a really sexy voice. But hey, I'm a happily married man.
Muerte: Well, you'll be a dead man soon.
Jeff Blue: [laughing] Who is this again?
Muerte: This is Muerte.
Jeff Blue: Morty!
Muerte: No! No Morty! MUERTE! "DEATH"!
Jeff Blue: Yeah right, death...
Muerte: That's right. I'm gonna come for you man. I'm gonna come for you, and I'm gonna kill you, okay and...
Jeff Blue: Hey hey hey Morty, Morty, Morty, it's late. What's the bottom line here?
Muerte: The bottom line? The bottom line is you're gonna die man... Ugly, okay?
Jeff Blue: Look Morty, do me a favor, okay? Don't call here any more unless you want to have, like, a serious conversation, alright?
[hangs up on him]
Jeff Blue: See Mommy picking the big lock? Someday, when you're a big girl, she'll teach you how to pick locks. Of course, she may still be picking *this* one.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: There was an attempted mugging half a block from here tonight.
Jeff Blue: Really?
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: The victim got away.
Jeff Blue: Oh, good.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: You don't know nothing about that?
Jeff Blue: No, I don't think so.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: You match the description of the intended victim: a man with a baby stroller.
Det. Sgt. Halsey: And we got us a bag lady that says she saw the man enter this hotel.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: And the desk clerk says that man was you.
Jeff Blue: Well, that certainly narrows it down, doesn't it?
Jeff Blue: Oh, hi, Morty.
Muerte: Muerte. MUERTE! For death! You die today!
Jeff Blue: Right.
[Muerte begins to make some very elaborate moves while holding a knife]
Jeff Blue: You know that looks really great on TV, but in real life you get better results if you just kind of hold it like this and...
Muerte: Shut up! SHUT UP!
Jeff Blue: Do you always have this much problem with a little constructive criticism?
Det. Sgt. Halsey: [watching as Jeff walks out to a parade of jazz musicians and borrows a trumpet to play] That's your husband.
Jane Blue: I know.
Det. Sgt. Halsey: Does he know how to play the trumpet?
Jane Blue: Apparently.
Jeff Blue: [to Frank] Did we ever thank you for that crib blanket?
Jane Blue: Oh no, honey, the White House sent the crib blanket. Frank sent the Fisher-Price Barnyard.
Jeff Blue: You sent that? Aw, do you know those cows really moo?
Jane Blue: Jeff plays with it day and night.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Isn't the baby a little young for dolls?
Jeff Blue: It's for me. It's a post-feminist doll.
Jane Blue: Goes to work with little sneakers on but resents it.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Where are you from?
Jane Blue: North Adams, Massachusetts. Why?
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Just asking.
Det. Sgt. Halsey: Phone call for you, sir.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Well, take a message.
Det. Sgt. Halsey: It's about Blue.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Well, who is it? The President?
Det. Sgt. Halsey: [laughing] No...
Det. Sgt. Halsey: ...it's the Governor.
Jane Blue: [to Sawyer] Jeff's a lousy shot. He had to bribe the examiner at the FBI.
Jeff Blue: That's a lie. I bribed the guy at the CIA. I *blackmailed* the guy at the FBI.
Jane Blue: [Jane has just disarmed Muerte and thrown him into a wall, knocking him senseless] I can't leave you alone for a minute.
Jeff Blue: This wasn't my fault.
Jane Blue: Nothing's ever your fault. You gonna kill him?
Jeff Blue: Aren't we bloodthirsty today? I told you not to drink all that coffee.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: What just happened here?
Jeff Blue: I'd say it was a domestic disturbance.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: A domestic disturbance?
Jeff Blue: Yeah like on the Honeymooners. You remember how Ralph used to fight with Alice.
Det. Sgt. Halsey: I don't recollect Ralph using semi-automatic weapons.
Jane Blue: But Norton sometimes did. And Mrs. Manacotti on the third floor, wow what a temper.
Sawyer: What did you say you did for a living?
Jeff Blue: I'm an airline pilot.
Sawyer: I thought you said you were a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Jeff Blue: Well if you knew, why did you ask?
Jeff Blue: Growing up on the mean streets...
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: What mean streets? You're from Nebraska.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: My source at the FBI said they didn't think you were, and I quote, "Bureau material."
Jeff Blue: That's true. I'm more of an end table.
Jane Blue: I always thought of you as a dining room chair.
Frank: The FBI thinks it's organized crime.
Jane Blue: Ah, the FBI thinks *everything* is organized crime.
Jane Blue: [while Meurte is floating on a life saver in the ocean] Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea?
Muerte: [considers the offer] No, no, I'm fine, thank you.
Jane Blue: We can tell you part of the story.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: You can tell me all of the story.
Jeff Blue: Part or nothing.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Well, how about we bust your ass for B and E.
Jane Blue: Well, how about we talk to that nice governor of yours.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: [beat] Okay, tell me part of the story.
Jeff Blue: Well, it's hard to know where to begin. My father was a steam fitter, and...
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Come on man, the *relevant* part.
Jeff Blue: [after handing over his wallet and watch to Muerte and Ozzie] Are we finished? Can I go?
Jeff Blue: Look we had a deal: You commit a felony, I go.
Jeff Blue: [after easily defeating the mugger] It's a very fortunate thing for you my wife wasn't here.
Paulina Novacek: You're a very valuable commodity. Think what the Libyans would pay for your knowledge of American Intelligence. Or the Chinese. Or the Colombians. I think quite a lot of money, Mr. Blue.
Jeff Blue: You see? Most people *do* like me.
Jane Blue: [crawls in the bedroom window of the hotel, begins to take off the bag lady costume] You know, I can't believe, men. You know how many people
[takes out fake teeth]
Jane Blue: tried to pick me up, tonight?
Jeff Blue: Oh honey, its that ruffled look that's so appealing!
Jane Blue: Uh huh.
[lifts her shirt and lets the fake stomach fall away]
Jane Blue: Geez, I am so tired...
Jeff Blue: No no no, wait! hold on!
[he trips Jane so she falls back on the bed and he is on top of her, pinning her down]
Jane Blue: Whoa! Whu!
Jeff Blue: Keep the makeup on!
Jane Blue: Why?
Jeff Blue: [grins] I don't know, it's kind of... a turn on!
Jane Blue: Yaaahhhh! You disgust me!
[playfully hits Jeff and pretends like she wants to wrestle free]
Jeff Blue: You should have seen these guys, complete amateurs. Biggest risk was I'd fall down laughing and hurt myself.
Jeff Blue: You know what's funny? That gray van over there.
Jane Blue: Funny ha-ha or funny interesting?
[several goons pull their guns on Jeff and Jane]
Leamington: Don't make any sudden movements.
Jeff Blue: Why not? Is there a bee on me?
Paulina Novacek: Take his gag off.
Muerte: My name is Morty!
Jeff Blue: Muerte.
Muerte: I kill you.
Paulina Novacek: Enough! Somebody find out who this man is and then kill him!
Jeff Blue: [after Jane has beaten up Paulina] We're naming the kid Jane Louise. Period.
Jane Blue: Wait here.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: No way!
Jeff Blue: Ted, Jane's an expert in martial arts even I can't pronounce. She can kill you seven different ways without using her hands. Do what she says.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: [after Jeff and Jane drive off] Maybe I'll just wait here.
Paulina Novacek: [after killing a colonel] The Colonel will no longer be working with us.
Jeff Blue: FBI! You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right you may talk, sing, dance, impersonate Elvis or anything else you like. You have the right to an attorney. If you're broke and can't afford one, tough shit! Now get in the car you suspected felon you!
Mr. Ferderber: Wait, wait. What am I being charged with?
Jeff Blue: That's for me to know and you to find out.
Jeff Blue: [about Novacek] She's fretful. She's nervous.
Jane Blue: You're describing a baby with colic.
Leamington: I want you to get up from the table very, very slowly.
Jeff Blue: "Very, very?" Not just "very?"
Jeff Blue: Better put something on, the cops are coming.
Jane Blue: The cops are coming?
Jeff Blue: Yeah, you know big badges, blue uniforms.
Police Captain: The FBI fired Blue twice?
Sawyer: Fired him in 81, rehired him in 84, fired him again in 85.
Police Captain: Why?
Sawyer: Well, Captain, there's all sorts of rumors.
Det. Sgt. Halsey: Tell him what he did in between.
Police Captain: I'm gonna hate this aren't I?
Police Captain: Perfect!
Sawyer: Until they got on the band wagon and fired him too.
Frank: You said you'd help out a little.
Jeff Blue: Novacek's not "a little," Frank. She's a psycho.
Jane Blue: [Muerte has been disarmed and Jeff has his arm in a hold when Jane approaches them, carrying shopping bags] Now what?
Jeff Blue: Oh, hi, hon. You remember, I told you about Morty. Morty, this is Jane.
[pushes Muerte towards Jane]
Jane Blue: Oh, hi, Morty, look it's nice to meet you, but we've just got so much shopping to do...
Muerte: [pulls another switchblade from his boot and points it at her] Shut up! Shut up! You die too!
Jane Blue: Oh for God's sakes...
Jeff Blue: I never get to be the bad cop.
Jane Blue: That's because you could never keep a straight face.
Jeff Blue: [after finding the body of the man they were supposed to meet] I guess he got here early.
Jeff Blue: [Jeff and Jane have broken into a dead man's house to search it] That's funny.
Jane Blue: What?
Jeff Blue: A shoe.
Jane Blue: And?
Jeff Blue: It's got a foot in it.
Jeff Blue: I was walking at 8 months.
Jane Blue: You were walking at a year and a half. Your mother was ready to call in specialists.
Paulina Novacek: [to Jeff after capturing him and Sawyer] You are still having such a wonderful body.
Jeff Blue: Thank you. What do you think of the Lieutenant here?
Sawyer: Will you shut up?
Jeff Blue: C-what?
Jane Blue: Plastic explosive. The most powerful plastic ever developed. So unstable even the army won't use it.
Jeff Blue: Oh, *that* C-22.
Jeff Blue: [while Muerte is in a tree in an aligator pit wearing only his shirt and socks] Tell you what, you wait here. I'll go for help.
Muerte: No, no, Blue, don't leave me!
Jeff Blue: Can I get you anything, Morty? Coffee? Tea?
Muerte: Coffee? Tea? No, no, I'm fine. Just get me the hell out of here!
Jeff Blue: Ta-ta.
Muerte: Ta-ta! Good-bye! Thank you!
Sawyer: Those are police cuffs. You can't get them off with a bobby pin!
Jane Blue: [as she's unlocking Jeff's handcuffs] You're absolutely right.
Jeff Blue: Oh thanks, hon.
Jane Blue: Want me to work on yours?
Sawyer: Yeah, sure.
Sawyer: Look we gotta get out of here. Now follow me!
Jane Blue: [mocking Sawyer] "Follow me!"
Jeff Blue: Oh, give him his moment in the sun.
Jane Blue: *What* sun?
Jeff Blue: You can go home and clean up, Lieutenant. It's over.
Sawyer: No plans to invade Cuba while you're in the neighborhood?
Jeff Blue: [last lines - on the boat] Which way is Cuba?
Muerte: [in the water] No, no, that's the wrong way! Please, come back! No, the land is back there behind you! Where are you going? Blue, no!
Jane Blue: [first lines - to her baby] Oh, don't you love New Orleans?
Jeff Blue: [to the baby] Hey! Yeah, come on over here and dance with me, huh?
Narrator: [from the Trailer] A comedy about a family who can escape anything - except their job.
Bar Patron: Hey Muerte, you lookin' pretty banged up.
Muerte: Yeah? Well you should see the other guys! 50 guys, with chains, and dogs, you should see what they look like!
Bar Patron: That ain't what I heard at all. I heard it was one guy, with a cute little tiny baby! Ha Ha Ha!
[bar patrons laugh with him]
Bar Patron: Which one was it who did this to you, Muerte? Was it the guy, or that cute little tiny baby! Ha Ha Ha!
Muerte: [grabs the patron by the back of the head and smashes it down on the bar, breaking his beer glass on his face]
Bar Patron: Aaaahhhhhh! Owwwwwwww!
[screaming in pain]
Muerte: My name is Muerte! My name is Death!
[gets up and starts to storm out of the bar, then turns around]
Muerte: Don't you forget that! Scumhooks!
Jane Blue: [Jane, disguised as the bag lady sits next to Muerte at the bar] I know you!
Muerte: Everybody know me! I am Muerte!
Jane Blue: You're the guy that got stomped, by that guy and the baby! Heh Heh!
Muerte: Hey! Don't provoke me! OK?
Jane Blue: You wanna get back at him? I know someone who will pay big!
Muerte: You don't know nada.
Jane Blue: OK! I don't know *nada*. But this guy, said *Muerte*, he's the guy for the job!
[starts to get up]
[grabs Jane by the arm forcing her to sit back down]
Muerte: Who told you this?
Jane Blue: You gotta buy me a drink first.
Muerte: What would you like?
Jeff Blue: [disguised as a newspaper reporter waits in the lobby]
Foster: You here to see me?
Jeff Blue: [stands to greet Foster] Ah yes! Mr. Foster! I'm Hidley Johnson, I'm with the Chicago Herald? I'm doing a story on the theft of defense secrets.
Foster: [gets nervous and fidgety] Ah! I'm Sorry! I have absoubtly no comment to make on this matter!
Jeff Blue: Really?
Foster: Mm Hmm!
Jeff Blue: Well, hows about a nice big *photo* of yourself?
[He quickly snaps a bunch of pictures with his camera]
Foster: Oh God!
[tries to cover up his face with his hands]
Foster: I think you should leave Sir! Right Now!
Jeff Blue: [smirks and leaves]
Foster: [goes into the recording room] Bring up the recording, the one from reception!
Foster: [the operator pulls up the tape and rewinds it so the camera has captured Jeff Blue's face smiling at the camera] Stop it right there!
[Foster presses a button on the control panel to print a screen capture. He nervously picks up the telephone and dials]
Foster: Mr. Ferd... Ferderber please? Yeah, I'll wait. Uh. Yeah.
[He picks up the printout]
Foster: Oh God!
Jeff Blue: [Muerte pulls out a knife and is about to attack Jeff] This is a bad idea, Morty...
FBI agent Danny Chester: [voice on the phone] Chester.
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Hey, Danny. Yeah, Ted Sawyer here. How ya doin'? Listen, we ran into somebody unusual down here, was wondering if he could be one of yours? Calls himself Jefferson Blue.
FBI agent Danny Chester: [riotous laughter]
Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Did I say something funny?
FBI agent Danny Chester: [more riotous laughter]