The Three Musketeers (1993)
[five Cardinal's guards ride up as Athos and D'Artagnan prepare to duel]
Athos: Only a fool would try and arrest us twice in one day.
Jussac: You're under arrest.
Jussac: Are you coming peacefully or do you intend to resist?
Porthos: Oh don't be so stupid, of course we intend to resist! Just give us a moment, all right?
[to his comrades:]
Porthos: Five of them, three of us. Hardly seems fair.
Aramis: Maybe we should give them a chance to surrender.
D'Artagnan: Excuse me, but there's four of us.
Athos: It's not your fight. You're not a Musketeer.
D'Artagnan: I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a Musketeer.
Athos: You got a name, boy?
Athos: Athos, Porthos, Aramis.
Porthos: Pleased to meet you again.
Porthos: Everyone acquainted?
[the four whirl around and unsheathe their swords]
Porthos: NOW, we are prepared to resist you!
[the three musketeers and D'Artagnan are escaping from the Cardinal's men in his own coach]
Athos: We're in the middle of a chase, Porthos.
Porthos: You're right - something red.
Porthos: Rochefort. Isn't that a smelly kind of cheese?
D'Artagnan: So what do we do now? What's next?
Porthos: Well, we protect the King.
Aramis: Protect the Queen.
Porthos: In the name of God. And France, correct?
Aramis: France indeed.
[Girard and his brothers have caught up with D'Artagnan. At the other end of the street they draw swords]
Girard: D'Artagnan! My sister's honor will not wait a moment longer.
D'Artagnan: I'll handle this.
Porthos: D'Artganan, we also protect each other.
D'Artagnan: All for one.
[Girard's eyes widen]
[Girard and co are pursued by all the musketeers]
[During a chase, in the Cardinal's own coach]
Porthos: For a chase, the Cardinal recommends his excellent '24 Cabernet.
Porthos: [to D'Artagnan] You can't have any, you're too young.
Athos: Take the reins, boy.
Porthos: The picnic was delicious, the champagne was excellent, remind me to send the Cardinal a note.
D'Artagnan: The Cardinal! We have to hurry!
Porthos: You two have a date?
D'Artagnan: No. It's the Cardinal. He's conspiring against the king.
Aramis: Tell us something we don't know.
Cardinal Richelieu: A word of caution, milady. A snap of my fingers, and you could be back on the block where I found you.
Milady: And with a flick of my wrist, I could change your religion.
Cardinal Richelieu: You're very persuasive.
[after finding out his student is married]
Aramis: We must pray for our sins.
[husband busts in and fires]
Aramis: On second thought, God's often busy.
[Aramis is unconscious after being shot at by the Cardinal, Porthos is trying to revive him]
Athos: Is he dead?
[Porthos moves the crucifix round Aramis' neck and Aramis regains consciousness violently]
Athos: Gently! Gently!
Aramis: [groans and looks at the crucifix which stopped the bullet] See? There is a God.
Athos: Your manners have not improved yet. You're late.
D'Artagnan: You in a hurry to die?
Athos: [Porthos and Aramis arrive] Here come the grave diggers now.
Porthos: Athos, you cannot fight this boy.
Athos: Why not?
Porthos: I'm fighting him.
D'Artagnan: Not until 1 o'clock.
Aramis: I have a duel with him too.
D'Artagnan: Not until 2 o'clock.
King Louis: You've failed.
Cardinal Richelieu: Oh, you're so naive. Things couldn't be more perfect if I planned them myself. The King of France dies at the hands of his own personal guard. Grief stricken, terrified, the hudled masses turn for comfort to their devout spiritual leader who, ever so humbly, assumes the throne. With the Queen by his side.
Queen Anne: I would rather die!
Cardinal Richelieu: That can be arranged!
King Louis: This world is an uncertain realm, filled with danger. Honor underminded by the pursuit of power, freedom sacrificed when the weak are oppressed by the strong. But there are those who oppose these powerful forces, who dedicate their lives to truth, honor, and freedom. These men are known as Musketeers. Rise, D'Artagnan, and join them.
Porthos: How's your head D'Artagnan?
D'Artagnan: I'm beginning to wish the Cardinal *had* chopped it off. Will you stop whistling please?
Porthos: I'm not whistling.
D'Artagnan: Well somebody's whistling.
Porthos: Barmaid's kiss left him dizzy.
Aramis: I hear it too. Sounds like a...
Athos: Cannon ball!
Porthos: Oh I *hate* cannon balls.
Porthos: [disguised as an executioner at D'Artagnon's execution] This axe was given to me by the Czarina of Tokyo.
D'Artagnan: [preparing to start a duel with Athos] I'll be with you gentlemen in a moment.
Porthos: Oh, he's a fiesty little fellow.
Aramis: Fiesty indeed.
Porthos: You, boy, are arrogant, hot tempered and entirely too bold. I like that. Reminds me of me.
Aramis: Don't encourage him. By helping us the boy has made himself an outlaw as well.
Athos: Not if he leaves Paris right now.
D'Artagnan: I can't leave now, I just got here.
Porthos: Go home. Find a wench, raise fat babies, live a good long life.
D'Artagnan: What about the motto of the Musketeers? All for one and one for all.
Athos: Wake up boy. The Musketeers are just a dream.
D'Artagnan: Athos, why don't you come join us?
Athos: You fight like a man. See if you can drink like one.
D'Artagnan: I'll drink anything you put in front of me.
Athos: Famous last words... What should we drink to?
D'Artagnan: Let's drink to love.
Athos: [Snorts] To love. Let me tell you a story about love, D'Artagnan. I knew a young man once, a Count, who feared he would never fall in love. One day, he met a woman. This woman was more than beautiful. She was intoxicating, mysterious, everything he'd ever dreamed of. He felt his heart would burst if he couldn't have her.
D'Artagnan: What happened?
Athos: The poor idiot married her.
D'Artagnan: Isn't that what people do when they fall in love?
Athos: Shut up and listen to me. They were riding through the forest one day. She was thrown from her horse and knocked unconscious. When he rushed to her side, he noticed a mark on her body... something he'd never seen before, something she'd managed to keep hidden all this time.
D'Artagnan: What was it?
Athos: The brand of the fleur-de-lis, the mark given to those who are to be executed for murder. The Count was crushed. The woman he loved, his bride, had betrayed him. She'd lied to him. When she came to, she swore that she'd been falsely accused of these crimes, but he didn't believe her; he rejected her for her lies and for her past. Then he banished her from his province. When the guards came to take her away to be executed, she... she was still professing her undying love. Soon after, the Count realized how much she had meant to him, but it was too late. His betrayal was far greater than hers could ever have been. He gave up his title, his land, everything he believed in, never to be seen or heard from again, all because of love.
Porthos: This sash was a gift to me, from the Queen of America.
D'Artagnan: There's no queen of America!
Porthos: I beg to differ, infant. We're on quite intimate terms, unless you can prove otherwise.
Cardinal Richelieu: You object to losing your head?
D'Artagnan: Yes, I like it where it is!
Cardinal Richelieu: Then tell me what I want to know, and maybe you will keep it a while longer!
D'Artagnan: I don't know where they are.
Cardinal Richelieu: And if you did?
D'Artagnan: I wouldn't tell you...
Cardinal Richelieu: I admire your courage, D'Artagnan. You might have made a great musketeer. But now we'll never know - will we?
Cardinal Richelieu: Tell me, D'Artagnan. What noble business brings you here?
D'Artagnan: I came to join the King's Musketeers.
Cardinal Richelieu: [slyly] Bad timing.
D'Artagnan: So I've heard.
Bad Guy: It's Porthos the Pirate! AAAAH!
[the bad guys jump overboard]
Porthos: I told you I was famous.
[five Cardinal's Guards arrive in an inn, two patrols of their comrades are either bound and gagged or unconscious]
Jussac: What is this?
Athos: We are having a private party celebrating the demise of the Musketeers. Go away.
Aramis: Athos. Is that any way to greet our guests? Gentlemen, don't be shy, come in. Your friends have been expecting you.
Jussac: You are under arrest.
Athos: Under whose authority?
Aramis: Ah. Hello again, Cyclops.
Porthos: [D'Artagnan is driving and takes a sharp turn causing Porthos to spill his drink] That's it. Next time you drive.
Porthos: [Porthos stabs a man he is fighting with a blade attached to a gun] I like this!
[to Athos, in a whisper]
Milady: There was a time when I would have given my life for a kind word from you.
Porthos: Ah ha! The Cardinal's sacred snack chamber.
Aramis: And what have we here? Is he a man of God or a man of gold?
Porthos: [reacting to D'Artagnan knocking into the waiter, causing food to spill on his sash] Excuse me! This sash was a gift to me from the queen of America.
D'Artagnan: There's no queen of America.
Porthos: I beg to differ, infant. We're on quite intimate terms unless you can prove otherwise.
D'Artagnan: [drawing his sword] Here's my proof.
Porthos: I see. He thinks he can challenge the mighty Porthos with a sword.
D'Artagnan: The mighty who?
Porthos: Don't tell me you've never heard of me.
D'Artagnan: The world's biggest windbag?
Porthos: Little pimple, meet me behind the Luxembourg at one o'clock and bring a long wooden box.
D'Artagnan: Bring your own...
D'Artagnan: Is this Musketeer headquarters?
Athos: No, this was Musketeer headquarters.
D'Artagnan: Oh, you mean it's been moved.
Athos: No, I mean the Musketeers have been disbanded. They no longer exist. Feel free to poke around for souvenirs if you wish.
D'Artagnan: But I just got here. How am I supposed to become a Musketeer if they've been disbanded?
Athos: I'd say you've got quite a problem.
D'Artagnan: [Grabbing Athos' arm] You're not being very helpful.
Athos: You need a lesson in manners, boy.
Athos: Why don't you meet me outside the city by the ruins, let's say noon?
D'Artagnan: I'll be there.
Aramis: Ah, thank you. You broke my fall perfectly. I do apologize for the inconvenience.
D'Artagnan: Get off me!
Aramis: If there's one thing I can't abide, it's rudeness.
D'Artagnan: You fell on me!
Aramis: And I apologized for it.
D'Artagnan: Well your apology is not accepted.
Aramis: I hope your sword is as quick as your mouth.
D'Artagnan: It's quicker.
Aramis: Ah, a duel then.
D'Artagnan: A duel.
Aramis: Meet me by the Carmes-Deschaux Monastery at two o'clock.
D'Artagnan: I'll be there.
Aramis: As will I.
D'Artagnan: Three duels in one day. Hmm.
D'Artagnan: Why's Athos sitting by himself?
Aramis: He takes his drinking very seriously. Not to worry; he'll be his usual charming self by morning.
[after dropping a group of the Cardinal's guards with a chandelier]
Porthos: Did I miss anyone?
Aramis: Congratulations, Porthos. You brought down the house.
Porthos: Oh, drat. I was trying to hit Rochefort.
Cardinal Richelieu: You're too late, Musketeers! By now the Duke of Buckingham's signature is next to mine! The alliance is complete!
Athos: That would be difficult, considering the treaty never left France!
Cardinal Richelieu: A minor problem!
Cardinal Richelieu: One thousand gold pieces on each of their heads, dead or alive!
Cardinal Richelieu: I prefer dead!
Aramis: Leaving so soon?
Cardinal Richelieu: Oh you know, I abhor bloodshed
Aramis: Especially your own.
Cardinal Richelieu: Stand aside.
Aramis: You are under arrest, charged with treason.
Cardinal Richelieu: You of all people should know that the Cardinal does not answer to the laws of men.
Aramis: Then you'll answer to God.
Cardinal Richelieu: [shoots Aramis] You first.
Aramis: You will never harm another soul ever again. My promise to God.
King Louis: Wait.
[punches Cardinal Richelieu, knocking him into the water]
Aramis: Well done, Your Majesty.
Athos: Sabine! I thought you were dead.
Milady: Cardinal Richelieu took pity on me.
Athos: You're the spy?
Milady: I have learned the value of lies. They have kept me alive.
Athos: [pointing a pistol at her] The treaty. Give it to me.
Athos: I will shoot!
Milady: Be kind. Aim for my heart.
Aramis: As morning hues of sun swept fire caress your passion face. Alone with thee in pure desire, to worship your untold grace. My soul would cry in silent prayer, for hours spent apart. Your essence warms the evening air, as I dance into your heart.
Athos: [after Porthos arrives and helps him fight off the Cardinals Guards] Where have you been?
Porthos: Taking care of something ugly.
Aramis: Only the wrong words are waste of time. the right words can make a more lasting impression than a thousand of Porthos's kisses.
Barmaid: Not likely.
[as D'Artagnan is prepared to be beheaded]
Girard: D'Artagnan! Don't lose your head!
Cardinal Richelieu: [speaking of Milady DeWinter] A truly remarkable woman. The most beautiful I have ever known. And the deadliest... which would explain my attraction.
Cardinal Richelieu: Milady De Winter. Your beauty would make even the most chaste of men think of... impurity.
Milady: I don't believe you suffer the burden of chastity.
Cardinal Richelieu: Perhaps you're right.
Milady: I was making an observation not an offer.
[after a fight with the Cardinal's guards]
D'Artagnan: What's he doing?
Athos: Last rites. Aramis takes death very seriously.
D'Artagnan: Is he a priest?
Athos: He used to be one of the Cardinal's students.
Athos: You go back and you tell the Cardinal we will continue to perform our sworn duty, which is to protect the King, and we will use every means within our power to fight him.
Rochefort: Bold words. I look forward to ramming them down your throat.
Cardinal Richelieu: Remember, Kings come and Kings go but one thing remains the same. And that is me.
Porthos: [a really drunk Porthos sees Athos] Ooh. May I have this dance?
[the musketeers are being fired upon]
Athos: We'll split up... D'Artagnan rides with me.
Aramis: See you in Calais!
Athos: Or Hell!
King Louis: Your Eminence, I have heard some troubling rumors about you.
Cardinal Richelieu: There are so many to choose from.
King Louis: Betrayal.
Cardinal Richelieu: Ah, yes. That is usually the first. Let me see if I remember it correctly. While the English attack from without, the wicked Cardinal undermines from within, forging a secret alliance with Buckingham and placing himself on the throne. But really, Your Majesty, why stop there. I have heard much more festive variations. I make oaths with pagan gods, seduce the queen in her own chamber, teach pigs to dance and horses to fly, and keep the moon carefully hidden within the folds of my robe. Have I forgotten anything?
King Louis: It does seem rather farfetched.
Cardinal Richelieu: Sire, if there are any doubts about my loyalty, they will be laid to rest when we appear together to celebrate your birthday.
[the Queen is alone, contemplating a map of the world]
Cardinal Richelieu: Homesick?
Queen Anne: Cardinal Richelieu. You surprised me.
Cardinal Richelieu: I often have that effect on people. I can't imagine why, I'm really a very gentle person. You seem a little unhappy in your new home.
Queen Anne: Lonely. Is that the same thing?
Cardinal Richelieu: Austria's loss is France's gain.
Queen Anne: I'm not sure the King shares your opinion. We've barely spoken since our wedding day. Whenever we're together he seems so... uncertain.
Cardinal Richelieu: Arranged marriages can be difficult. Your father and I thought yours would bring Austria and France closer together.
Queen Anne: Well countries align more swiftly than people, I'm afraid.
Cardinal Richelieu: What a pity. Love is, I think... wasted on the young.
D'Artagnan: As morning hues of sunswept...
D'Artagnan: ...fire caress your... poisoned face.
[Aramis looks pained. D'Artagnan gives up, and sweeps the bar maid into a kiss]
Porthos: I declare, the boy's a natural!
Cardinal Richelieu: He is becoming as troublesome as his father.
Rochefort: He is a foolish boy and barely that.
Cardinal Richelieu: That foolish boy is about to become a man which is all the more reason for us to act quickly. Have our loose ends
[the three musketeers]
Cardinal Richelieu: been tied up?
Rochefort: Two patrols have been sent.
Cardinal Richelieu: I trust, Captain Rochefort, that you are doing everything in your power to rid us of these rebels. Don't let having only one eye impair your vision. The loss of the other could be most... inconvenient.
Cardinal Richelieu: [hears the scream of a prisoner being run through] One less mouth to feed.
Aramis: Fear not, my son, we are with you, always... all for one...
Girard: [with D'Artagnan's sword at his throat] My brothers will avenge me...
[D'Artagnan looks up to see Gerard's three brothers arriving on horseback]
[turns and runs]
Constance: [pointing a gun at D'Artagnan] Have you any idea what you've done?
D'Artagnan: I've saved you and your friend from these bandits.
Constance: *These bandits* are the Queen's own bodyguard.
D'Artagnan: The Queen? I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Constance: What's your name?
Constance: D'Artagnan. A Gascon?
D'Artagnan: I've come to Paris to join the Musketeers.
Constance: Then I'm sure I'll be hearing your name again.
D'Artagnan: Would that please you?
Constance: Ladies in waiting are forbidden to socialise with Musketeers.
D'Artagnan: Well, I'm not a Musketeer yet.
Constance: With that kind of courage you will be one soon enough. Good luck D'Artagnan. And thank you for the amusement, I enjoyed it immensely.
D'Artagnan: Wait! You didn't tell me your name!
King Louis: You look beautiful.
Queen Anne: Thank you.
King Louis: Is something wrong?
Queen Anne: Cardinal Richelieu.
King Louis: Yes?
Queen Anne: He is an evil man.
King Louis: Do not believe every rumour you hear. He is powerful.
Queen Anne: I ride through the countryside every day, I've seen the uses of his power.
King Louis: Power sometimes frightens.
Queen Anne: Here in the Palace I have seen it too.
King Louis: I know.
Queen Anne: What shall we do?
King Louis: I don't know, but we will do it together.
Porthos: [fighting a very large man] Smelly... lump... OF LARD!
Athos: [Milady is about to be executed] No! Sabine, forgive me! Please
Milady: I do forgive you.
Milady: The Cardinal intends to asassinate the King. On Friday, at his birthday celebration.
[she stands, backs away, and jumps from the cliff to her death]
Armand de Winter: God's justice be done.
Athos: You fight like a man, let's see if you can drink like one too.
D'Artagnan: I can drink anything you put in front of me.
Athos: Famous last words.
Athos: [the musketeers break into the main hall] I hope we're not interrupting!
Rochefort: [Rochefort draws his sword] No, on the contrary. You're right on time!
[the duel begins]
D'Artagnan: The Cardinal! We have to hurry!
Porthos: You two have a date?
D'Artagnan: No, it's the Cardinal! He's conspiring against the King!
Aramis: Tell us something we don't know.
D'Artagnan: He sent a messenger with a secret treaty to a man named Buckingham.
Porthos: The Duke of Buckingham?
D'Artagnan: Do you know him?
Aramis: He rules England the way the Cardinal rules France.
D'Artagnan: There's a ship called the Persephone. It's waiting in Calais to take the messenger to England. It sails Tuesday, midnight.
Porthos: If we get that treaty, we can prove the Cardinal guilty of treason.
Aramis: Calais is over 200 leagues from here.
Athos: Is the Cardinal aware of the fact that you have this information?
D'Artagnan: All I want to do is get to Paris, and join the King's Musketeers.
Girard: You, a Musketeer? Fantasy!
D'Artagnan: My father was a Musketeer. The King's personal bodyguard.
Girard: The King was assassinated. Your father was a failure; a disgrace to the Musketeers.
D'Artagnan: What did you say?
Girard: Your father was a disgrace!
Aramis: The treaty outlines the Cardinal's plans to forge an alliance with Buckingham.
Porthos: No mention of the King?
Aramis: None. However, the arrangement is contingent upon a demonstration of the Cardinal's power.
D'Artagnan: Demonstration? What kind of demonstration?
Aramis: I don't know.
Athos: I know someone who does.
Bad Guy: [referring to the ship's deceased crew] Dead. They're all dead!
Aramis: Not all of us.
[kicks the minion]
Rochefort: By joint edict of His Majesty King Louis XIII and His Eminence Cardinal Richelieu, the Musketeers are officially disbanded. In preparation for the coming war with England, your ranks and commissions are hereby transferred to the Infantry. You will be contacted and told where to report. Until that time, you are instructed to return to your homes.