So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.
Tony Giardino: So who's in this Pentavirate?
Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
Charlie Mackenzie: Hey Mom, I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as, "The paper." The paper contains facts.
May Mackenzie: This paper contains facts. And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world. Right? Plenty of facts. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact.
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
John Johnson: Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria!
Stuart Mackenzie: Look at the size of that boy's heed.
Tony Giardino: Shhh!
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.
Tony Giardino: Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.
Tony Giardino: Shh!
Stuart Mackenzie: Has it's own weather system.
Tony Giardino: Sh, sh, shh.
Stuart Mackenzie: HEAD! MOVE!
Stuart Mackenzie: Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren't born, and some of you are now DEED! But, we both said "I do," and we haven't agreed on a single thing since.
May Mackenzie: That's true!
Stuart Mackenzie: But I'm glad I married you, May, because hey, could've been worse.
Police Chief: [noticing Tony is depressed] Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.
Tony Giardino: Well, Captain, it's about my job.
Police Chief: Ah.
[sits down with Tony]
Tony Giardino: I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do.
Police Chief: [contemplates] It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work.
Tony Giardino: Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never... I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath the thing that it lands? Do you, do you know that part?
Police Chief: Yes, I know that part.
Tony Giardino: I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle.
Police Chief: Now *that* sounds like a lot of fun.
Tony Giardino: And that's the other thing. You're too nice.
Police Chief: I'm too nice?
Tony Giardino: Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?
Police Chief: Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak.
Tony Giardino: A quorum?
Police Chief: Yeah.
Tony Giardino: Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like... Fish from Barney Miller.
Police Chief: Hey. Somebody needs a hug!
Charlie Mackenzie: I'm afraid you're gonna ki - leave me.
Harriet Michaels: That I'm gonna cleave you?
Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? "He wants you back," he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It's really hard. This poem... sucks.
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you gotta believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they make me horny, Saturday morny... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.
John Johnson: My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.
Charlie Mackenzie: So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?
Tony Giardino: What do ya mean?
Charlie Mackenzie: You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.
Tony Giardino: What do ya mean? I look hip!
Charlie Mackenzie: No no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip.
Tony Giardino: I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.
Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Harriet Michaels: What do you look for in a woman you date?
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.
Charlie Mackenzie: You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuck You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.
Obituary Writer: There's another one here. Native San Franciscan. Plumber. Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, disappeared four months ago, body was found in a sewer.
Obituary Employee: Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain.
Charlie Mackenzie: Did they mention anything about his wife?
Obituary Employee: All right, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people here. I'm sorry.
Charlie Mackenzie: No no, I'm serious. Did they mention the wife?
Obituary Employee: Look, I'm sorry you know. You know, I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
Charlie Mackenzie: No no, I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife?
Obituary Employee: You win, you win okay? I'm a bad person!
Obituary Writer: Just take it easy!
Obituary Employee: No, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit!
Obituary Writer: He's not sayin' you're a shit!
Charlie Mackenzie: [yelling] Did they mention the wife? Did they mention the wife?
Obituary Employee: No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?
[speaking to the whole office]
Obituary Employee: YEAH! Oh yes, yeah. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop you're job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!
Obituary Writer: He was my ride home.
Charlie Mackenzie: Understood...
May Mackenzie: Wow, you've turned into a right sexy wee bastard. Do you know that?
Tony Giardino: Thanks, Mrs. Mackenzie.
May Mackenzie: Hasn't he?
Charlie Mackenzie: Oh, I think so.
Charlie Mackenzie: Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the *large* cappuccino. *Hello!* Look at the size of this thing.
Tony Giardino: It's practically a bowl.
Charlie Mackenzie: It's like Campbell's Cup-O'-ccino!
Charlie Mackenzie: [laughing at his Campbell's joke and wiping his tears] Oh, My sides. Please. Aidez-moi.
Charlie Mackenzie: How many people have you brutally murdered?
Harriet Michaels: Well, brutal's a very subjective word. I mean, what's brutal to one person might be totally reasonable to somebody else.
Charlie Mackenzie: Come, let us dance like children of the night!
Stuart Mackenzie: [after Charlie has stayed all night at Stuart's house, and is finally leaving] Fine. Go. You've stayed your hour.
Charlie Mackenzie: Rose, jailbird. Happy in her cage, no longer full of rage. She roosts. Harriet, sweet Harriet, you acted cuckoo 'cause you thought I would leave you. Sweet bird. Harriet, sweet Harriet, so knowing, so trusting, so love... ed. Harriet, sweet Harriet.
Stuart Mackenzie: [after exhausting a bagpipe player at Stuart and Harriet's wedding] We have a piper who's down! Repeat, Piper Down!
Tony Giardino: What's the news?
Police Chief: Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.
Tony Giardino: I knew she would! I knew it!
Police Chief: Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A nutcase!
Charlie Mackenzie: I like the night life. I like to boogie.
Charlie Mackenzie: Maybe it is late. You know, I'll be honest with you, I had a really great time tonight and, uh, I'd really love to kiss you but I think that if I kiss you we'll end up kissing on the couch and if we end up kissing on the couch then chances are we'll kiss in the bedroom and if we kiss in the bedroom then, you know, tha-that's the part I always rush into and I just don't think it's a good idea to rush into spending the night together.
Harriet Michaels: I wanna spend the night together.
Charlie Mackenzie: I have no problem with that!
Harriet Michaels: So bright women intimidate you?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. But it's a shame I'm going to have to destroy you.
Tony Giardino: Excuse me sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!
Commandeered Driver: No.
Tony Giardino: What do you mean, "no"?
Commandeered Driver: I happen to know for a fact that you don't have the right to commandeer my vehicle.
Tony Giardino: Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?
Commandeered Driver: No.
Tony Giardino: You're just - you're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?
Commandeered Driver: No.
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life... Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called love.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, not really. Usually I follow the Judao-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill". But, that's just me.
Rose Michaels: Let me make you some breakfast.
Charlie Mackenzie: Oh, gee, you know, I'd love to. But you know, I'm really running late, but thanks!
Rose Michaels: What would you say to silver-dollar pancakes, fresh-squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, that sounds great!
[Cut to Rose pouring cereal in Charlie's bowl]
Rose Michaels: Sorry. I didn't have those other things.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, that's fine. That other stuff will probably kill you... whereas "Froot Loops" are light, and reasonably high in fiber. I care for "Apple Jacks" a great deal.
Tony Giardino: [the pilot is asleep] What are you doing? Wake up!
Pilot: Ooooh man! I was having an amazing dream!
Tony Giardino: I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!
Pilot: I was just born, and... I was eight-and-a-half months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.
Tony Giardino: Oh please, shut up!
Pilot: Did I already tell you this dream?
Police Chief: Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I'm going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!
Harriet Michaels: I have a surprise for you.
Charlie Mackenzie: What is it?
Harriet Michaels: It's a health shake. And I made it especially for you. Try it.
Charlie Mackenzie: Thank you, no. Thanks. Thanks.
Stuart Mackenzie: [sings] If you think I'm sexy and you want my body, all you've got to do is call.
May Mackenzie: Charlie, would you like a juice?
May Mackenzie: Look at what I've bought myself, a Juice Tiger.
Charlie Mackenzie: A Juice Tiger?
May Mackenzie: Yes, I juice everything now.
May Mackenzie: I'm on a new diet.
May Mackenzie: I'm on a Weekly World News Garth Brooks Juice Diet.
Charlie Mackenzie: [to Harriet] Rose just tried to kill me!
Stuart Mackenzie: Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.
Charlie Mackenzie: Tony, have you heard of this? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons, then changes her identity and marries again.
Tony Giardino: I never heard of it. So what?
Charlie Mackenzie: I think I'm dating Mrs. X!
Stuart Mackenzie: Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down!
[Tony is riding in a plane at night in a storm]
Tony Giardino: Hey listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?
Pilot: It shouldn't take very long.
Pilot: Actually I have no concept of time.
Tony Giardino: Geez, is this dangerous?
Pilot: No. Well, you know there's chance in everything.
Tony Giardino: Look I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?
Pilot: Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.
Pilot: I've never done it at night.
Tony Giardino: How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?
Pilot: Instruments, instruments!
Tony Giardino: Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?
[points to an instrument]
Pilot: That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.
Charlie Mackenzie: Tell me one bad thing that you've done, and it better be evil.
Harriet Michaels: How evil?
Charlie Mackenzie: Really evil. Like so evil, that you would say it was E-VEEL, like it's the FRU-ETS of the DEV-EEL. E-VEEL.
Stuart Mackenzie: [as Harriet is meeting Charlie's parents for the first time] Show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagara Falls!
Rose Michaels: Well... you know Harriet.
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, actually, I don't.
Rose Michaels: But you did have sex with her.
Charlie Mackenzie: Hello!
Maureen O'Boyle: But first up tonight, the justice department reports an alarming rise in the number of poisoning murders across the United States. And that eighty seven per cent of the poison murders occur within the family.
May Mackenzie: [to Charlie] Lighten up, Charlie. You've got a pickle up your ass again.
Harriet Michaels: I could do anything to you in your sleep.
Charlie Mackenzie: What could you do?
Harriet Michaels: You know, anything. You're lying on your side, totally asleep, I could just... Oh... stick a needle in your...
Cafe Roads Performer: [At the microphone in the Café Roads] My next poem is called, "An Open Apology to the Aliens Who Abducted Me and Whom I Inflicted Great Destruction Upon While Having a Panic Attack Aboard the Mother Ship."
Cafe Roads Performer: [as the audience laughs] Autobiographical.
Tony Giardino: Larry Leonard, crooner, made a name for himself being able to sing in six different languages the song, "Only You.
Charlie Mackenzie: Yes, see?
Tony Giardino: Charlie, does Harriett even know the words to Only You?
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, I don't know Tony, we haven't reached that all too critical do you know the words to "Only You" phase in our relationship, so I'm afraid I'm not much help!
Stuart Mackenzie: [after Stuart and Harriet have been married] Let's get pissed!
Tony Giardino: I'm commandeering this car!
Commandeered Driver: I happen to know you have no right to commandeer this car.
Tony Giardino: Aw... please?