[preparing to ravish Maid Marian]
Sheriff of Rottingham: A chastity belt! That's going to chafe my willy!
[Blinkin, the blind man, is up in a perch looking out for strangers]
Robin Hood: Blinkin! What are you doing?
Blinkin: Guessing. I guess no one's coming.
Little John: Let me introduce you to my best friend: Will Scarlet.
Scarlet: Scarlet's my middle name. My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.
Scarlet: We're from Georgia.
Blinkin: Oh Master Robin!
[hugging a replica statue of the Venus de Milo]
Blinkin: You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.
Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'm over here.
Robin Hood: Prepare for the fight scene!
Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse."
Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!
Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?
Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
[referring to the then recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent]
Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while...
Blinkin: Oh, you were away!
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?
Prince John: Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna have a lot of fun, huh?
Robin Hood: And who might you be?
Little John: Oh, they call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big.
Robin Hood: I'll take your word for it.
Robin Hood: Kindly let me pass.
Little John: Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.
Little John: I made that up.
Robin Hood: It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.
Little John: A toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls. I made that up.
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Locksley. I'll pay for this!
Sheriff of Rottingham: YOU'LL pay for this!
Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.
Robin Hood: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
[Merry Men snicker]
Rabbi Tuckman: Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
Merry Men: Awwwww...
Rabbi Tuckman: [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
Rabbi Tuckman: Join me!
Robin Hood: Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
Merry Men: [Cheer]
Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Over that boy hand!
[pauses, looking confused]
Sheriff of Rottingham: Hand over that boy!
Ahchoo: Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!
Robin Hood: [carrying Marian to the bed] Oh my darling, at last.
Maid Marian: [sliding his hand to the key to unlock her chastity belt] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Broomhilde: [rushes into the room] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Robin Hood: [groans]
Broomhilde: You are not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.
Maid Marian: I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.
Robin Hood: Well, that's easy. I won't.
Maid Marian: Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
Robin Hood: An archery contest?
Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable.
Robin Hood: Really?
Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go.
Robin Hood: All right, I promise you won't go.
Maid Marian: Thank you.
[stops for a second, confused]
Ahchoo: But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...
Robin Hood: Cool it...
Robin Hood: I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.
Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.
Crowd: A black sheriff?
Blinkin: He's black?
Ahchoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
Robin Hood: Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
Maid Marian: But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.
Robin Hood: But...
Maid Marian: Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
Robin Hood: Yes...
Maid Marian: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Don Giovanni, if I may say so, your lizard looks limp.
Don Giovanni: [holding lizard] Yeah, well, when you get to be my age... Oh! My lizard! Oh yeah!
Merry Men: [singing] We're men / We're men in tights / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like sissies / But watch what you say / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / We're men / Manly men! / We're men in tights / Yes! / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like pansies / But don't get us wrong / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / *Tight tights* / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / When you're in a fix / Just call for the men in tights / We're butch!
Maid Marian: Wait!
Sheriff of Rottingham: What for?
Maid Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.
Prince John: Oooohhh.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that?
Maid Marian: I shall marry you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?
Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.
Little John: Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!
Ahchoo: What part of Georgia you from? South Central?
Angry Villagers: LEAVE US ALONE, MEL BROOKS!
[Robin tries to jump on his horse and falls]
Ahchoo: Man, white men can't jump.
[Robin and Ahchoo are fighting royal soldiers]
Ahchoo: Time out! Sorry bad guys, but I am running out of air. Gotta get pumped.
[Ahchoo pumps his sneakers]
Ahchoo: OK honkies. Time in!
Ahchoo: e didn't land on Sherwood Forest! Sherwood Forest landed on us!
Robin Hood: This is Ahchoo.
Little John: Bless you!
Ahchoo: [laughs] No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo.
Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
Blinkin: A Jew? Here?
Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.
[Broomhilde prepares to jump on horse from the balcony]
Horse: [makes loud noise and shakes head]
subtitle: She's got to be kidding!
[after falling from a tree]
Blinkin: I can see!
[runs right into another tree]
Blinkin: Nope, I was wrong.
Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
Prince John: Like this?
[John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
[the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
[starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
Latrine: OH BUGGER!
[breaks the fourth wall]
Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it.
[Villagers begin throwing food at the archery contest]
Blinkin: Oh good, they've opened the salad bar.
[Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose]
Robin Hood: Nice shooting, Ahchoo.
Ahchoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.
Robin Hood: Good people, who have travelled from villages near and far! Lend me your ears!
Robin Hood: [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin]
Robin Hood: That's disgusting!
Robin Hood: [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?
Maid Marian: [in sultry voice] What?
Robin Hood: You're not going to believe this...
Maid Marian: What?
Robin Hood: It won't open!
Maid Marian: WHAT?
Robin Hood: Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!
Guard: Robin of Locksley, where is your king?
Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
Scarlet: Blinkin! Fix your boobs; you look like a bleedin' Picasso!
Prince John: Send word to one and all, and all and one... that's a little redundant, isn't it?
Prince John: Shut up!
Maid Marian: Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity."
Robin Hood: Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.
Maid Marian: Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.
Broomhilde: No ding-ding vithout a vedding ring!
King Richard: [taking Prince John's crown] You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority.
Prince John: Oh please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.
Crowd: [coughs] Bullshit! Bullshit!
King Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench!
[to the crowd]
King Richard: From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... johns!
Prince John: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
King Richard: Take him away! Put him in the Tower of London! Make him part of the tour.
Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off!
Ahchoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!
Robin Hood: Ah! Right rope!
Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?
[clears their throats, trying to act macho]
Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood: I am Robin of Locksley.
Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Locksley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Locksley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...
Abbot: Mervin? Your name is Mervin?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
Abbot: OK... Mervin.
[crowd starts laughing again]
Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!
Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?
Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.
Filthy Luca: [Stands Up] We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.
Don Giovanni: No, no, no.
Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.
Don Giovanni: Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!
Filthy Luca: ...Oh yeah.
Rabbi Tuckman: [referring to a circumcision] The ladies love it!
Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
Merry Men: 'ello Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman: Hello boys!
Robin Hood: A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
Rabbi Tuckman: A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
Scarlet: What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
Little John: I'll take one!
Ahchoo: Hey, put me down for two!
Robin Hood: I'm game. How's it done?
Rabbi Tuckman: It's a snap.
[demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
Rabbi Tuckman: I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
Rabbi Tuckman: I nip the tip! Whose first?
Merry Men: [groan]
Little John: I changed me mind!
Ahchoo: I forgot, I already got one.
Blinkin: [puts his hand in the air] Question...
[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
Rabbi Tuckman: I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
[Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt]
Robin Hood: It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!
Maid Marian: This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!
[Sheriff of Rottingham carries a screaming Maid Marian to a tower of his castle]
Ahchoo: [to Robin] The Sheriff! He's got your woman, man! He's gonna deflower her in the tower! Ugh!
Robin Hood: [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!
Blinkin: Master Robin, Is that you?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: What back from the Crusades?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: And alive?
Robin Hood: [pause] yes.
Sheriff of Rottingham: The old man is Locksley.
Prince John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.
Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
[laughs and snorts loudly]
Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!
Ahchoo: [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that?
Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away.
Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good.
Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking?
Angry Villager: There must be another way of doing the credits.
Fire Marshal: That's right. Every time they make a Robin Hood movie, they burn our village down!
Maid Marian: Oh Broomhilde, look! A happy little bluebird! Hello!
[the bird lands on her finger]
Maid Marian: This means I must make a wish. I wish against wish, I hope against hope, that the heavens bring me a kind and wonderful gentleman who possesses the key to my...
[looks at her chastity belt, then looks at Broomhilde]
Maid Marian: heart.
[bird flies away]
Maid Marian: Goodbye, my little friend.
Broomhilde: Ooh, that happy little bluebird has left a happy little do-do on your hand!
Robin Hood: Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman: [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
Robin Hood: It is I, Robin of Locksley! We wish to get married in a hurry!
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
Rabbi Tuckman: Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.
Maid Marian: Broomhilde, there's a foul plot afoot.
Broomhilde: It's not my feet, I just washed them.
Prince John: What can you tell me about Robin of Locksley?
Latrine: Robin of Locksley? Robin of Locksley? Hmm, let me see.
[starts cooking up a potion in her cauldron]
Latrine: Raven's egg! Blood of a hen! A little more blood, yes! Eyeballs of a crocodile! Testicles of a newt! I bet he's a transsexual now! Robin of Locksley is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor. Little sod could be trouble.
Prince John: Are you certain?
Latrine: Certain? You want certain, hire yourself a witch! Me, I'm just your cook.
[serves contents of the cauldron]
Latrine: Here, eat that.
Sheriff of Rottingham: So it's come to this, has it? A fight to the death, mano a mano, man to man, just you and me and my *guards*!
Robin Hood: [Robin and Ahchoo are fight the sherif of Rottinghams men] Watch my back!
Ahchoo: [Ahchoo litarlly leans over and looks at his back as a guard punches him twice in the back] Your back just got punched twice.
Robin Hood: Thank You!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Wasn't your... didn't your mole used to be on the other side?
Prince John: I have a MOLE?
Prince John: I hope's it worth the NOISE!
Ahchoo: [standing by a creek] Look, Robin, you don't have to do this. I mean, this ain't exactly the Mississipi. I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank. It's not that critical.
[Ahchoo is getting beaten up by a group of soldiers and as Robin who is riding his horse searches for Ahchoo, he suddenly saw Ahchoo getting beaten up by a group of soldiers]
Robin Hood: Ahchoo?
[the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood]
Soldiers: Bless you!
[the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo]
Ahchoo: Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center] Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.
Prince John: But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!
Rabbi Tuckman: [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?
Robin Hood: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: Marian, do you?
Maid Marian: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: I now pronounce you man and...
King Richard: I object!
Rabbi Tuckman: Who asked?
Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.
[hands the rabbi his sword]
King Richard: Hold this, Father.
Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.
King Richard: Whatever.
[grabs Maid Marian and gives her a LOOOONNGGG kiss]
Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.
King Richard: Now you may marry them
Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.
King Richard: Sword.
Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.
Don Giovanni: Ok, you want plain English: Robin is gonna be dead. D-E-D. Dead.
Filthy Luca: I will take these cotton balls from you with my hand and put them in my pocket.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Struckey has loxed again.
Prince John: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Loxley has struck again.
Ahchoo: I should have never worn these shoes. They just don't match my purse.
Ahchoo: Blinkin - what's the fastest way to reach the villagers?
Blinkin: Why don't we fox them?
Ahchoo: Fox them!
[Robin has just been chained in Le Dungeon]
Asneeze: You are very brave for not a homeboy.
Robin Hood: Oh, thank you.
Asneeze: I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?
Robin Hood: What are you in for?
[Robin is being made to watch Marian's wedding from the gallows]
Abbot: Do you, Sheriff of Rottingham, take Marian of Bahgel to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Sheriff of Rottingham: YES I DO! Get on with it!
Abbot: And do you, Marian, vow to do all the stuff I just said?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [to Marian] Say I do, or Robin dies!
Maid Marian: I... I do...
[Ahchoo shoots through Robin's noose]
Maid Marian: NOT!
Abbot: I will perform the opening prayer in the New Latin. Oh ordlay, ivethgay usway ouryay essingsblay. Amen-ay!
Asneeze: I am Asneeze, father of Ahchoo.
Robin Hood: Bless you.
Asneeze: No no no, Ahchoo is my son.
Head Saracen Guard: [rushes into Le Dungeon] I just told my boss the good news and...
[sees that all the prisoners has escaped]
Head Saracen Guard: and... and I'm in deep shit!
Sheriff of Rottingham: He "deered" to kill a King's dare.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [realizing he said it wrong] He dared to kill a King's deer.
Scarlet: I hope she's still wearing her iron underwear.
Ahchoo: Hey Blinkin.
Blinkin: Did you say 'Abe Lincoln'?
Ahchoo: No, I didn't say 'Abe Lincoln', I said 'Hey Blinkin.' Hold the reins, man.
Robin Hood: Too-ta-loo. Au revior. Auf weidesen. Ciao. Ding dow dai.
Ahchoo: [offers to shake hands with Blinkin] Hey, put her there?
Blinkin: How do you do do?
[extends arm that hits Achoo in the gut]
Ahchoo: [hoarsely] I've been better.
[Robin crashes Prince John's party, and slams a wild pig on the table]
Sheriff of Rottingham: That's a wild boar!
Robin Hood: No, no. That's a wild pig.
[Robin points at Prince John]
Robin Hood: *That's* a wild bore.
The Hangman: [In a Jocular mood] Let's see, are you about a 16, 16 1/2?
[mimics hanging himself, then hums as he selects a noose and places it around Robin's neck]
The Hangman: There.
Robin Hood: It's a little tight.
The Hangman: That's the idea. Would you care for a blind fold?
[Robin shakes his head; the hangman raises his eyepatch]
The Hangman: How about half a one? Get it, sir?