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Loaded Weapon 1 (1993) Poster

Quotes

Colt: So what are you doing here?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Waiting for you.

Colt: I mean, what brought you here?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: A taxi.

Colt: Yeah, but why?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: My car's in the shop.

Colt: I mean... Why the hell did you come here?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: The police station would have made me nervous.

Colt: You better go.

[Mr. Jigsaw is holding a gun to Sgt. Colt's head]

Jack Colt: Who are you?

Mr. Jigsaw: I'm your worst nightmare.

Jack Colt: No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.

Mr. Jigsaw: Okay, allright, so I'm not actually your worst nightmare. But I am right up there.

Desk Clerk: That her?

Wes Luger: No, that's a picture.

Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years.

Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.

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Colt: Nice weather? You think we're having... nice weather? I guess you didn't lose the only one that meant anything in your life. I guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery and despair perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whiskey to dull the pain that shatters your heart, rips at your soul, and keeps your days forever gray. What flavor Icee you got today?

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Colt: Give me a name!

Becker: Weren't your parents supposed to do that?

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Captain Doyle: Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger, because you're going to be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are going to be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear?

Wes Luger: Everything except the pants fig thing.

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Valet: You got anything smaller?

Wes Luger: Keep it.

Valet: Anything larger?

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Gen. Morters: Half the payment now. Half tomorrow. Half on delivery.

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Wes Luger: There's something between you and this General Mortars.

Jack Colt: He was my CO in 'Nam. CIA listed him as MIA, but the VA ID'd his MO and we put out an APB.

Wes Luger: Oh, I see.

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Wes Luger: I don't think York was a suicide. She was on to something.

Captain Doyle: On something is more likely. You know as well as I that this guy's cookies were laced with cocaine.

Wes Luger: No wonder I couldn't eat just one.

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Wes Luger: We're investigating a felony, Miss Demeanor.

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Becker: Do you sleep in the nude?

Miss Destiny Demeanor: Only when I'm naked

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Dr. Harrold Leacher: Quid pro quo Mr Colt.

Colt: What does that mean?

Dr. Harrold Leacher: It means I'm pretentious.

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[Colt and Luger's car blows up]

Colt: Good thing we took valet.

Wes Luger: Taxi!

[the taxi blows up]

Colt: I guess we're making somebody nervous. But I'll tell you this: It's gonna take a helluva lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off of this case.

Wes Luger: Not a helluva lot more.

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Gen. Morters: Where's the microfilm, Mike?

Mike McCracken: I don't know, I gave it to York. I thought she was one of your men.

Gen. Morters: Act in haste, repent in leisure.

Mike McCracken: But he who hesitates is lost.

Gen. Morters: Never judge a book by its cover.

Mike McCracken: What you see is what you get.

Gen. Morters: Loose lips, sink ships...

Mike McCracken: Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend.

[Gen. Morters, cornered, looks to Mr. Jigsaw]

Mike McCracken: [Mr. Jigsaw consults Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, shakes his head]

Gen. Morters: Sorry Mike, no good.

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Becker: What? I don't know nothin'. I didn't see nothin'. I ain't say nothin'.

Wes Luger: Nothing, the word is nothing, not nothin'. There's an i-n-g on the end of it. Nothing.

Becker: Ok, nothing. Nothiiing. Nothiiiiiiiiiiing. Ok, you happy?

Wes Luger: That's better.

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Colt: I gotta know... what *does* human flesh taste like?

Dr. Harrold Leacher: Chicken.

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John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: [after shooting up a trailer home which then blows up, a man then rises from the flaming wreckage waving a make-shift white flag] What the hell are you doin?

Man in helicopter: Uh. Is this 1014 Pacific coast Highway?

John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: HUH?

Man in helicopter: 1014 Pacific coast Highway?

John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: NO! THIS IS 814 PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY! 1014 IS TWO BLOCKS UP THAT WAY!

[Points to his right]

Man in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!

John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: [sarcastically] YEAH! NO PROBLEM! NO PROBLEM!

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Sgt. Billy York: [after being questioned about the microfilm] McCracken!

Mr. Jigsaw: Thank you, Ms York!

[shoots York]

Mr. Jigsaw: [turns around, confused] Is that Dan McCracken, or Mike McCracken?

Sgt. Billy York: Mike...

[Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again]

Mr. Jigsaw: [turns around again] Is he on Alpine or Oak?

Sgt. Billy York: [thinking] Alpine...

Mr. Jigsaw: [shoots York again]

Sgt. Billy York: Psst... Park on Third- you'll never find a spot on Alpine.

Mr. Jigsaw: [smiling] Thank you! You have been most co-operative!

Sgt. Billy York: [in pain] Don't mention it.

Mr. Jigsaw: [shoots York again]

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Mr. Jigsaw: [holding a gun on York] In a little while, Miss York, you will be begging for mercy.

Sgt. Billy York: No, no, I'll beg now.

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Wes Luger: What's going on in here?

Mr. Jigsaw: Drop your gun Mr. Luger!

Wes Luger: I don't have one...

Mr. Jigsaw: [confused] You are not carrying a weapon?

Wes Luger: Don't believe in them.

Mr. Jigsaw: [slides a gun over] Pick up the gun.

Wes Luger: [picks up the gun]

Mr. Jigsaw: *Drop* the gun Mr. Luger!

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Lt. Irv Lansing: My wife and I haven't had sex in over two years. I have a six month old daughter.

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Wes Luger: You have reached the desk of sergeant Wes Luger, please leave a message after the beep.

Sgt. Billy York: Yeah Wes it's...

Wes Luger: Hey I said after the beep!

Sgt. Billy York: Well excuse me!

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Dr. Harrold Leacher: I would love to eat his cookies with some fava beans and a nice chilled Fresca.

[licks lips]

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Wes Luger: I'm getting too old for this bike-confiscating shit!

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[Jack Colt mixes a drink with Jack Daniel's Old No. 7, Bushmills Irish Whiskey, Stolichnaya Vodka and tops it off with chocolate flavored syrup]

Jack Colt: Here's to getting through another lousy day...

[Jack drinks the whole glass]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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