Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
Hotel night clerk: You are with police?
Larry Lipton: Yes, I'm a detective. They lowered the height requirement.
Larry Lipton: I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Larry Lipton: Here, taste my tuna casserole and tell if I put in too much hot fudge.
Larry Lipton: I think it's a reasonable assumption that if you're dead you don't suddenly turn up in the New York City Transit System.
Larry Lipton: Ted sees himself as Rick in Casablanca; I see him more as Peter Lorre.
Larry Lipton: I forbid. I forbid you to go. I'm forbidding!... Is that what you do when I'm forbidding?
Larry Lipton: My life is passing before my eyes. The worst part about it is that I'm driving a used car.
Larry Lipton: I was in a deep sleep - I was dreaming of round card girls.
Arthur Bannister: [on the movie screen, "The Lady from Shanghai" is playing] I'm aiming at you, lover.
Mrs. Dalton: I'm aiming at you, lover.
Arthur Bannister: Of course, killing you is killing myself.
Mrs. Dalton: Of course, killing you is killing myself.
Arthur Bannister: But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us.
Mrs. Dalton: But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us.
[On the screen, Arthur and Elsa shoot at each other, breaking mirrors; in the theatre, Mrs. Dalton and Mr. House shoot at each other, breaking mirrors and finally killing Mr. House]
Larry Lipton: I'll never say that life doesn't imitate art again.
Larry Lipton: Claustrophobia and a dead body - this is a neurotic's jackpot!
Larry Lipton: Yes, of course you woke us - not everyone is up at 1 AM watching the porn channel.
Larry Lipton: This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps.
Ted: I can see that, depending on who's on the stamp.
Carol Lipton: Well, listen, I think maybe I will go back to seeing my shrink, I think, I think I...
Larry Lipton: You don't have to see your shrink, there's nothing wrong with you that can't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.
Carol Lipton: You were jealous of Ted.
Larry Lipton: Ted, you've gotta be kidding, take away his elevator shoes and his fake suntan and his capped teeth and what do you have?
Carol Lipton: You!
Larry Lipton: Right, I like that!
Carol Lipton: I don't understand why you're not more fascinated with this! I mean, we could be living next door to a murderer, Larry.
Larry Lipton: New York is a melting pot! I'm used to it!
Larry Lipton: Meanwhile, I can't get that Flying Dutchman theme out of my head. Remind me tomorrow to buy up all the Wagner records in town and rent a chainsaw.
Larry Lipton: [to Carol] Save a little craziness for menopause!
Larry Lipton: I like a hotel with lots of blue powder sprinkled along the base boards.
Larry Lipton: I'd fix Ted up with Helen Dubin, but they'd probably get into an argument over penis envy; the poor guy suffers from it so.
Larry Lipton: New York is the city that never sleeps! That's why we don't live in Duluth. That, plus I don't even know where Duluth is. Lucky me.
Larry Lipton: You're suggesting we try to provoke him into murdering us?
Marcia Fox: You have a problem with that?
Larry Lipton: Well, either that, or I suddenly developed Parkinson's.
Larry Lipton: My favorite thing in life is, you know, to look at cancelled postage.
[Hands Hotel Day Clerk a one-dollar tip]
Larry Lipton: What are you making a face for? He's the father of our country.
Paul House: Well, what do you buy a woman who has everything?
Lillian House: We already own twin cemetery plots.
Larry Lipton: I always think a Bentley is in good taste. Or, you could go the route I did and buy her a set of handkerchiefs.
Carol Lipton: Well, they were very nice though, and they had my initials.
Larry Lipton: Yeah, and I didn't even know her size.
Carol Lipton: Helen Dubin's wrong for Ted. She's too mousey.
Larry Lipton: Well, he's a little mousey. They could have their little rodent time together, they could eat cheese together...
Larry Lipton: Don't do this! We should be asleep now in one of our many cuddling positions!
Marilyn: I'd like to French pastry myself to death, right now.
Carol Lipton: Did you see this? This man in Missouri killed twelve victims, dismembered them, and ate them.
Larry Lipton: Really? Well, it's an alternative lifestyle.
Ted: I want to celebrate. You want to go see what Larry and Carol are doing?
Marcia Fox: I think they want to be alone.
Ted: Oh, right. Well, uh, what about you? Do you have plans?
Marcia Fox: You're taking me to dinner, right?
Ted: Right, absolutely! Only we can't sleep together, not tonight.
Marcia Fox: Why not?
Ted: Well, because I already slept with Helen Moss once today, and I'm not young and active like I used to be.
Marcia Fox: You'll do anything to catch a murderer, won't you?
Larry Lipton: C'mon, more, more! Adrenalin is leaking out of my ears!
Larry Lipton: C'mon, you promised to sit through the hockey game without being bored,
Carol Lipton: [overlapping] I know, honey, I promised.
Larry Lipton: and I'll sit through the Wagner opera with you next week.
Carol Lipton: I know.
Larry Lipton: I already bought the earplugs.
Carol Lipton: Yeah, well, with your eyesight I'm surprised you can see the puck. Wow, yay, come on.