Mad Dog and Glory (1993)
Frank Milo: Women, you can't live with them and you can't kill 'em.
[Frank is doing his routine for a group of cops]
Frank Milo: My friend, Phil, he wants to join the police department. He goes to the station, and starts filling out the application. They ask him, "Mr. Scarangello, how tall are you?" And he looks at his right hand and says, "Uh, five foot ten." And they ask him, "how much do you weigh?" And he looks at his other hand, and says, "Two hundred and three pounds." So then they ask, "Okay, and what's your first name?" He goes...
[bobs his head from side to side, then]
Frank Milo: "Philly." They ask him, "what are you doing with your head there?" He goes...
Frank Milo: "Happy Birthday to me, Happy birthday to me...?
Harold: You ought to try that tough guy shit with me sometime.
Harold: I just want to know if you're happy. Are you happy? 'Cause I get paid either way.
Mad Dog: I'll be right back.
[goes to get some twinkies, for a colleague]
Mike: You're killin' him, Mad Dog... Get him some Melba toast.
[Mad Dog is in a happy mood and singing]
Mike: What, you got laid last night?
Mad Dog: I don't get laid, I make love.
[Glory catches Wayne counting money in the bathroom]
Glory: How much am I going for?
Mad Dog: About $40,000.
Glory: Is that all?
Mad Dog: Knocked down from 75.
Glory: I must be out of season.
Frank Milo: Do you know what botulism is? We can get her with soup.
Mike: Slip your piece under the towel.
Andrew: I got no beef with you.
Mike: Are you sweet? Is that your problem?
Andrew: Come on, I'm on the job.
Mike: You ain't on my fuckin' job.
Frank Milo: [after being accused, by Mike, of killing the shooter that was left in the garbage pail] Oh and incidently, I don't know what you are talking about... a guy in a garbage pail... but uh, most of the people I know who don't die in bed... they usually wind up killing themselves.
Glory: Life is what happens to you while you're waiting for your ship to come in.
Dealer in Car: Yo fellas, what's up?
Driver: Same old same old.
Dealer in Car: I got meatballs, I got ready rocks, I got gumballs. Shit, I even got gas starter kits.
Shooter: Jumbos, two-twentys.
Dealer in Car: Two-twentys'll be 40.
Shooter: [flashing bills] You break this?
Dealer in Car: I ain't no cash machine.
Mad Dog: It's the first time I pulled out my gin in 15 years. I pissed on myself.
Mike: You know why? Because you're a sensitive, intelligent indivdual.
Mad Dog: You ever piss on yourself?
Mike: Look, I would'a walked in there and drilled the red-eyed little bastard, and that's just the way I am. On the other hand, if I ever had an intelligent thought, I would die a lonely guy. It all evens out, you know what I mean?
Mike: Look, if that ever happens again, the best thing is to have sex.
Frank Milo: Are you married?
Mad Dog: No. No, not personally, no.
Glory: Going to Frank is like taking heroin to cure an alcohol problem, ya know?
Frank Milo: [mid make out] I should do some sit-ups.
Glory: Right now?
Frank Milo: I mean in general.
Frank Milo: You always get someone to fight your fights for you?
Frank Milo: Who am I to talk? You alright Harold?