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Josh and S.A.M. (1993) Poster

Quotes

Josh Whitney: What can I do? I'm a wanted man with a screwed up brother.

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Pizza Man: This pizza, I make myself. My wife, she no make-a da pizza. No more!

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Derek Baxter: I knew it!

Josh Whitney: Knew what Mr. Baxter?

Derek Baxter: Don't call me that, Josh, call me Dad.

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Derek Baxter: There's this one thing I want to ask you Josh?, What day were you born on?

Josh Whitney: umm... uh... June 17th

Derek Baxter: That's uh, nine months back, that's the night we beat Carling, that's perfect... woo-hoo... that's homecoming night, I knew it!

Josh Whitney: Knew what Mr. Baxter?

Derek Baxter: Don't call me that... (blushes)... Call me Dad!

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Josh Whitney: Doesn't it make you feel sad inside?

Sam Whitney: Genetically altered inside. I'm all metal and wires. It's cold. I don't feel things the way you do.

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Curtis: Did Josh really kill a guy?

Sam Whitney: Dad is trying to cover for him, but I saw him. He beat him over the head with a pool stick he was so mad.

Leon: What was he so mad about?

Sam Whitney: The guy called him a homo.

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Josh Whitney: Sam you're a genius!

Sam Whitney: Yeah well it's not my fault. They made me that way.

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Sam Whitney: You're not my brother anymore!

Josh Whitney: What?

Sam Whitney: I just decided it, the same way Dad isn't Mom's Husband anymore

Josh Whitney: You must be dumber than Dad's stepsons, you can't divorce me

Sam Whitney: uh-huh, he can take you away like he took the lawn mower and the barbeque

Josh Whitney: Doesn't matter, i'd still be your brother wherever I was , evwn if I was a thousand million miles away!

Sam Whitney: I wish you were!

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Josh Whitney: Dad can I be excused?

Thom: For God's sake, Josh, clean your plate!

[Josh stands up and scoops all the food off his plate]

Josh Whitney: Is that clean enough?

Thom: Go to your room.

Josh Whitney: You're *in* my damn room!

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Josh Whitney: I just saw Jean Pierre on 60 Minutes confessing everything. He was in the shadows but I could tell by those big lips of his.

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Derek Baxter: This is that kid, isn't it? This is that damn kid, isn't it?

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[Sam hurls a pool ball, hitting Derek]

Sam Whitney: It worked, Josh, my aim is activated!

Derek Baxter: You little shit!

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[last lines]

Sam Whitney: Last night, Dad left his safe open and there was a file inside.

Josh Whitney: So?

Sam Whitney: It was about you.

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Red Haired Kid #2: Hey, Kotex Head, this here's a pay toilet!

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Josh Whitney: I made it all up.

Alison: Even the Liberty Maid?

Josh Whitney: Yes, I got your hair and red hat off a juice box.

Alison: Lord almighty, I've met my maker.

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[after Josh tells Sam to bite on a piece of tin foil]

Sam Whitney: OW!

Josh Whitney: Oh God, Sam, you're activated.

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Delivery Man: [Italian accent] Now de credit card, Jean Pierre LaTorette?

Josh Whitney: Yeah, he's out in the field going to the bathroom. Yeah, he's out there in the field with diarrhea.

Delivery Man: Diarrhea?

Josh Whitney: Diarrhea.

Deliver Man: That's nice.

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Josh Whitney: You know, Sam, I didn't want to mention this with Mom around but I know a place where all kids who have to repeat a grade get together. It's way beyond the Bluffs, high above the Pacific Coast highway.

Sam Whitney: What do they do there?

Josh Whitney: Jump off.

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Josh Whitney: Dad is sending you off to fight a war just to he can send the buttholes to football camp.

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Jean-Pierre LaTorette: [answers the phone] Hello, Jean-Pierre here.

Josh Whitney: [in a deep voice] Uh, Caroline Whitney, please.

Jean-Pierre LaTorette: I'm sorry, my wife cannot come to the phone right now.

Josh Whitney: [in regular voice] Your wife?

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Josh Whitney: I just discovered something really bad that I have to tell you about.

Sam Whitney: I already know you're a homo.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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