Harbinger: Thank you, Topper. I can kill again! You've given me a reason to live.
Harbinger: War... it's fantastic!
Saddam Hussein: Now I will kill you until you die from it!
Ramada Rodham Hayman: I had to come. It was a sequel.
[Addressing a roomful of Japanese businessmen]
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: It seems like only yesterday I was strafing so many of your homes. Here I am today, begging you not to make such good cars.
Topper Harley: These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them...
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Cookie?
Col. Denton Walters: No, thank you, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Young lady?
Michelle Rodham Huddleston: No, thank you, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No, I was just offering him a young lady.
Rufshaad: I can see you're no stranger to pain.
Col. Denton Walters: I've been married.
Col. Denton Walters: *Twice*.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: [He is about ready to battle Saddam Hussein] We'll settle this the old navy way; The first guy to die, LOSES!
Topper Harley: Ramada, I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I want to meet your parents and pet your dog...
Ramada Rodham Hayman: My parents are dead, Topper. My dog ate them.
Topper Harley: President Benson.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No you're not. I've seen him on TV. An older man, about my height.
Michelle Huddleson: Mr. President, this is Topper Harley.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Topper Harley, of course, the son I never had. No wonder I didn't recognize you then.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Gotcha! Listening at the door, huh? Well, Walters, looks like we've got our saboteur.
Col. Denton Walters: That's your wife, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Yeah, so it is. Lavinia. You're looking as lovely as the day we met.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Find out what she knows.
Michelle Huddleson: Now we have to go in to get the men who went in to get the men who went in to get the men.
Prime Minister Soto: President Benson, where's your first lady?
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: I don't know. I've had lots of women. Lost my flower at the age of 15. I can't keep track.
News Anchorman: In an emotional address at the state capitol Nebraska Governor, Paul Burmaster made a public apology for his state being so flat.
Topper Harley: Of all the missions in all the jungles you had to walk into this one.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: I'm married. I was married before you and I ever met. I'm still married today.
Topper Harley: You're joking.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: I'm not.
Topper Harley: You've got to be.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: If I was joking, I would say: "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"
Topper Harley: You are married.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Every time I give an order, it gets screwed up! Plan a reception, wrong hors d'oeuvres. Appoint an ambassador, he leaves the country.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Here's the target area.
Gerou: That's Minnesota, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Damn it, man, that's the genius of my plan. Why go over there to fight? We can do it right here at home, and get in some good fishing while we're at it.
Gerou: Sir, the enemy is over there.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Then we'll fly them over here. Their families too. We'll teach them to skate... Do I have to think of everything?
Topper Harley: I'm not saying I don't trust you, and I'm not saying I do. But I don't.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Topper, I was so young, just a schoolgirl. He was an older man, so wise in the ways of the world. He used to come around the schoolyard, day after day. I so admired his persistence. Even the restraining order my parents slapped on him was no deterrent. He opened my eyes to the arts: music, clog-dancing, WrestleMania. His work has meant so much to so many. And I owe him everything, Topper. Everything.
Topper Harley: I'm happy for you, kid. But if you think you can hurt me again, you're wrong. I left my heart in my other pants.
Michelle Rodham Huddleston: Oh, Ramada, how could you have been so blind? You always too wrapped up in being Miss Perfect College to notice me. Why should you concern yourself with the feelings of one insignificant roommate? One fabulous day, one incredible experience.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: I had no idea it meant so much to you.
[Col. Walters looks extremely fascinated by the women's conversation]
Michelle Rodham Huddleston: I remember that day as if it were yesterday. The exhilaration of experimenting, sharing something so new, so dangerous, so intimate.
Col. Denton Walters: [in a deep voice to Ramada] Go on.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: And I'll never forget the look on your face. The way the sweat glistened on your hard body.
[Col. Walters starts to sweat]
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Then you tied my ankles. Tighter. Tighter.
[Col. Walters, still sweating, motions for more from Ramada]
Ramada Rodham Hayman: But it just wasn't right. It wasn't natural.
[Col. Walters is about to pass out from listening to Ramada]
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Bungee-jumping is just too dangerous a sport.
Col. Denton Walters: [surprised] Bungee-jumping? That's it?
Topper Harley: Ramada, I do love you. I've tried to forget you but no matter what, your face is on the tip of my tongue.
[as they jump out of an airplane one by one]
[Dexter is being rescued]
Dexter: You don't understand. I can't walk... they've tied my shoelaces together.
Topper Harley: A knot. Bastards!
Topper Harley: [narrating] Somebody once wrote, "Hell is the impossibility of reason." Well, that's what this place feels like - hell. I hate it already and it's only been a few hours. I'm so tired. We get up at four in the morning...
Capt. Benjamin L. Willard: [narrating] At first I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn't believe they wanted this man dead. Third Generation West Point, top of his class, Airbourne, Korea, about a thousand decorations, etc, etc...
Rabinowitz: What are you reading?
Topper: Great Expectations.
Rabinowitz: Is it any good?
Topper: It's not what I'd hoped for.
Iraqi Boat driver: [as his men leave] Kareem of onion! Al Jarreau!
Topper Harley: [dazed] That's right, Cindy. It's twenty three minutes past the hour, and now heres the Buckinghams with "Kind of a Drag"...
Iraqi Boat driver: [after failing to kill Topper] Omar Sharif!
Saddam Hussein: They've dicked with the wrong dictator!
Typewriter: On October 15, the President of the United States ordered a covert mission in the Persian Gulf for the purpose of rescuing soldiers taken hostage during Desert Storm. Only a handful of our highest government officials were aware of the operation, as it included an attempt to assasssan... assisss... kill a guy.
Col. Denton Walters: It seems there were three bears. And one morning when their porridge was too hot, they went for a walk. And a little blond girl came skipping through the woods... she ate their porridge and she sat in their chairs... she slept in their beds. And when those bears returned and discovered that mess... Do you know what happened then Topper?
Topper Harley: No.
Col. Denton Walters: That little blond girl get scared. Ran away.
Topper Harley: So you're saying is that little blond girl is me. If this is about me coloring my hair...
Rabinowitz: Know what I'm gonna do if we make it? I'm gonna go back to Eagle River and marry my gal, Edith Mae. Gonna get us a nice little place with a white picket fence. You know the kind. Two-car garage. Maybe a fishing boat. And in 15 years, when they're all paid for... I'll set my charges and blow the shit out of them.
Topper Harley: You're the only one that knows how to get to the copter pad. If I'm not there in 15 minutes, you know what to do.
Col. Denton Walters: Yeah, we get the hell out of here!
Topper Harley: No! Wait another 15 minutes!
Topper Harley: We both know you belong with Dexter. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. I'm no good at being noble, but... do you have any idea what would happen if you stay here with me?
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Of course I do. Sex. Wild, free, passionate, unbridled sex. I would fondle you in ways you can't imagine. I would pleasure you at any time, in any place, in any way, for as long as you could possibly desire.
Topper Harley: Do you know what its like to have your heart shot out of season and tied to the top of a car? How it feels to be passed like the world's largest kidney stone? Ramada... I don't THINK so.
Topper Harley: [Dexter has fallen off a cliff and died] He really was a wiener.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: [observing Mount Rushmore through view-master] The Iraqi coast line. My god do those heights look treacherous.
Saddam Hussein: Sufferin Succotash!
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Looks like the upper hand, is on the other foot!
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: [Narrating] And so, we were off. Just two questions were going through my head: Will we make it in time?
[Voice starts getting higher]
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: And why did I bring helium instead of air?
Topper Harley: [after Ramada has been shot] For a moment there, I thought you were...
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Gabriella Sabatini? I get that all the time. It must be the nose.
Saddam Hussein: [President Benson throws Saddam a fireplace cleaning tool which lights up like a lightsaber, and his voice changes and sounds like Darth Vader] I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan, we meet at last. The circle is now complete, now, I am the master.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Only a master of evil, Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: Your powers are...
[Coughs, then takes a puff of primatine mist and his voice is back to normal]
Saddam Hussein: Your pows are weak, old man, you should not have come.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: We'll settle this the old navy way: first guy to die, loses.
Topper Harley: There is also something not right. Harbinger, where were you went the boat showed up?
Harbinger: What are you accusing me of?
Topper Harley: Nothing, yet. But, I want to you know, I smell a rat.
[Then, a rat appears on Topper's back]
Harbinger: Hey, when you were showing off, I was cutting teeth for some of the best commanders.
Topper Harley: Listen, I'm not saying I don't trust you and I'm not saying I do, but I don't.
Rabinowitz: [Reaching over a picket fence] It's locked. From the inside.
Williams: [Becoming frantic] We're gonna die and...
Col. Denton Walters: [Grabbing Williams by the shirt] Get a hold of yourself, man!
Harbinger: Blow it.
Rabinowitz: It's not our property.
Topper Harley: Harbinger. I was right, wasn't I? You sabotaged all of the other missions. I find that totally unacceptable.
Harbinger: [Sobbing] You got me wrong. All this shooting and killing. I can't go on.
[Begins to cry]
Topper Harley: Hey, hey rainy face. Let the sun come out, you bad G.I. Joe. Here why don't you give uncle Topper a nice, big blow.
Harbinger: [Blows into Topper's handkerchief] I'm done.
Topper Harley: Atta boy.
[the handkerchief is a bag of snot, and drops it, and hands Harbinger gun and shoots a few Iraqis]
Harbinger: Thank you, Topper. I can kill again, you've given me another reason to live.
Topper Harley: Head towards the gate, they'll be plenty of bad guys to shoot along the way.
Kickboxer Opponent: [after getting kneed in the crotch by Topper] You win.
[Falls to the ground]
Topper Harley: President Benson?
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No you're not. He's an older fella, about my height.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Dexter is one of the captives. He's my husband.
Topper Harley: You've got to be joking.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: If I was joking, I would say: "A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar..."
Topper Harley: Okay, okay, he is your husband.