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Dennis the Menace (1993)
Dennis:
I brought my own pillow so I won't get my spit all over yours.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Thank you, Dennis.
George Wilson: I can't stand that kid, he's a menace!
Switchblade Sam: Put a cork in it, you're giving me a headache.
Dennis: I don't have a cork.
Switchblade Sam: Shut your mouth.
Dennis: I can't because my nose is stuffy, because of my allergies. If I shut my mouth, I can't breathe good.
Switchblade Sam: Then keep your mouth open, but don't talk.
Dennis: Where do you put the cork when you put a cork in it?
Switchblade Sam: [Pants irritably a couple times] Didn't I ask you to shut your yap?
Dennis: What's a yap?
Switchblade Sam: It's your mouth!
Dennis: I can't shut my mouth because my nose is stuffy -...
Switchblade Sam: SHUT UP!
Henry Mitchell: Mr. Wilson, he's five.
George Wilson: When I was five I had some respect.
Henry Mitchell: Well you were probably a pretty exceptional boy.
George Wilson: 1925? I wasn't the exception. I was the rule.
Margaret: Don't call me stupid, baby rump kisser!
Margaret: [On the subject of where babies come from and how they get out of their mothers] Tell me, Dennis, how?
Dennis: The bellybutton. It opens up.
Margaret: Then how come men have them?
Dennis: So they don't look weird in bathing suits.
Henry Mitchell: You go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Dennis: For how long?
Henry Mitchell: Until you're sorry.
Dennis: Oh good, I'm sorry now.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: He can't sit in the corner, I'm taking him over to Margaret's house.
Dennis: [screams] Margaret's house? I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve to go to her house. She'll drive me insane, she's a lunatic, she tortures me, she's ugly, she doesn't share!
Mickey: [reading Dennis a story] How can a train grow?
Dennis: He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep.
Mickey: But what's the point of reading lies?
Dennis: It teaches kids to eat all their food and go to bed when they're supposed to.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: [Dennis doesn't want to go to Margaret's house] You can't spend the summer unsupervised, you're out of school.
Dennis: I'll go back!
George Wilson: Why do you ask so many questions?
Dennis: I've only been around for five years, there's a lot of things I don't know yet.
Dennis: I have one more question.
Switchblade Sam: What?
Dennis: What does a hostage have to do?
Switchblade Sam: Nothing.
Dennis: Then how come you need one?
Switchblade Sam: Incase the cops show up!
Dennis: Do I get to use a gun?
Switchblade Sam: No you get to stand in front of me incase the cops use a gun.
Margaret: You know why men are so lousey when it comes to taking care of babies?
Dennis: They have better things to do.
Margaret: Like what? Play golf and drink beer?
Dennis: No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, cleaning fish. Do you know how to do that?
Joey: Me?
Dennis: Margaret.
Joey: Oh, okay.
Margaret: If you didn't have women, you wouldn't have babies, which means you wouldn't have people.
Joey: And if you didn't have men, who'd drive the ladies to the hospital?
George Wilson: This is an important event for me, Dennis.
Dennis: I know.
George Wilson: So, you mind whatever manners you have and don't make a pest of yourself.
Dennis: Okay.
George Wilson: Don't embarrass me.
George Wilson: Was Dennis in our bathroom?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Yes.
George Wilson: I think the little rat put mouth wash in my nasal spray, and toilet cleanser in my mouth wash.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Oh, why would he do something like that?
George Wilson: [smiles sarcastically] Must you ask?
Dennis: Hi, Mrs. Wilson. Is Mr. Wilson up yet?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Not yet, dear.
Dennis: How much longer do you think he's gonna sleep for?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Not too much longer. He's having his picture taken this morning.
Dennis: For what?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: He's being honored for his garden.
Dennis: [pauses and looks back at the yard, then looks at Mrs. Wilson again] Do you he'll get mad if I wun upstairs.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: What do you want to go upstairs for?
Dennis: I made him a "I'm-Sorry, I Threw Paint On Your Chicken" card!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: That's very nice, Dennis.
Margaret: You guys are the boring ones. There's lots to do.
Dennis: Oh, really? Like what?
Margaret: We could practice singing songs. Or put on a play, or a puppet show.
Joey: We could bury you alive.
Margaret: I could pound your face.
Lieutenant: My advice to you is to just follow the sun on out of here.
Switchblade Sam: The only reason I ain't moving on is 'cause you stopped to give me the breeze.
[Mr. Wilson approaches, covered in flour]
George Wilson: He's only a boy, huh?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: You lied to a toddler, George.
George Wilson: [chuckles]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Well, think how disappointed he's gonna be when he gets home.
George Wilson: Well, he'd better get used to it, this disappointment's gonna be a big part of his life. He's a foot short for his age, and he's cross-eyed.
Dennis: You've got everything figured out, haven't you, Mr. Wilson?
George Wilson: I haven't figured out yet how I'm gonna get my work done with you in the house.
Dennis: That's a tough one.
[in bed at night]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: George, are you sleeping?
George Wilson: I was until you started yakin'.
[Dennis is looking into a voyeur of women magazine]
Dennis: Boy, you've got to be pretty brave to be riding on a tiger in your underpants.
George Wilson: Put that away, that's not for kids.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: George, take Dennis's suitcases up to the guest room, please.
George Wilson: He's got arms.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Don't start, dear.
George Wilson: How come when everyone feasts on the pleasures of life, I get the indigestion?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Because you're an old grump!
George Wilson: Martha! Where are the GD garden lanterns?
George Wilson: [the others see the mess Dennis has made. Some people start taking pictures of it]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [sensing George getting mad] Now, George, take it easy.
George Wilson: [glares at Dennis]
Dennis: [looks back guiltily] I made a mistake?
George Wilson: [just glares back]
George Wilson: [after missing flower show, goes up to flower and grumbles] 40 years down the drain.
[plucks it up and throws it off]
Lieutenant: [to Switchblade Sam] Now look, I run a nice clean town here, and I don't want any trouble. So my advice to you is to follow the sun on out of here.
George Wilson: I don't want to see you; I don't want to know you.
Dennis: [brushing his teeth spots Mr. Wilson's nasal spray. He opens it up and squirts it] Cool! Old faithful!
[suddenly it runs out]
Dennis: [uses the mouthwash to fill it back up. But now the mouthwash is empty]
Dennis: [uses toilet cleanser to fill the mouthwash up]
George Wilson: [turns on bathroom light and walks in but slips on wet soapy floor, doing a full split at the legs]
George Wilson: [grabs hold of the sink, to pull himself up] New pajamas. God bless them.
George Wilson: [opens medicine cabinet and takes toilet-cleaner mouthwash out. He pours some and gargles on it and then spits it out groaning in disgust]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [hearing him from upstairs] Poor thing, I wish he'd get the hernia fixed.
George Wilson: [has mouth on running faucet as he's trying to frantically rinse his mouth]
George Wilson: [sniffling now, he reaches for the nasal spray-mouth wash. He squeezes some up one nostril. Squeezes up the other nostril. His face goes wild as he drops the container]
George Wilson: [howling wildly he plunges his head in the sink full of water and desperately tries cleaning his nose]
Dennis: [singing and splashing around in bathtub] She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming -
[soapy water splashes onto floor]
Henry Mitchell: Your mother made arrangements, that's it! I don't want many arguments.
Dennis: My life is falling apart.
Dennis: [on hearing he has to go to Margaret's house] Aargh!
[Dennis' parents turn at him]
Dennis: Margaret's house? I'd do anything than go into Margaret's house! She's hates me, she's a lunatic, I'll go crazy, she tortures me and she doesn't *share*!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Hi. This is Alice Mitchell.
Elderly Babysitter: Noooooo.
Switchblade Sam: [to people he's holding up] Turn AROUND!
George Wilson: G.D. wading pool!
Dennis: [innocently] Hi.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Did you shoot an aspirin into Mr.Wilson's mouth?
Henry Mitchell: Oh god!
Dennis: I didn't want him to bite off my fingers with his big, fake teeth. Those things are sharp!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: [to Henry] George said Dennis shot an aspirin into his mouth with a slingshot.
Henry Mitchell: What slingshot?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Do you have a slingshot?
Dennis: I'm not sure.
Henry Mitchell: Give it to me.
[Dennis sighs and hands over the slingshot]
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Mrs. Martha Wilson: Thank you, Dennis.
George Wilson: I can't stand that kid, he's a menace!
Switchblade Sam: Put a cork in it, you're giving me a headache.
Dennis: I don't have a cork.
Switchblade Sam: Shut your mouth.
Dennis: I can't because my nose is stuffy, because of my allergies. If I shut my mouth, I can't breathe good.
Switchblade Sam: Then keep your mouth open, but don't talk.
Dennis: Where do you put the cork when you put a cork in it?
Switchblade Sam: [Pants irritably a couple times] Didn't I ask you to shut your yap?
Dennis: What's a yap?
Switchblade Sam: It's your mouth!
Dennis: I can't shut my mouth because my nose is stuffy -...
Switchblade Sam: SHUT UP!
Henry Mitchell: Mr. Wilson, he's five.
George Wilson: When I was five I had some respect.
Henry Mitchell: Well you were probably a pretty exceptional boy.
George Wilson: 1925? I wasn't the exception. I was the rule.
Margaret: Don't call me stupid, baby rump kisser!
Margaret: [On the subject of where babies come from and how they get out of their mothers] Tell me, Dennis, how?
Dennis: The bellybutton. It opens up.
Margaret: Then how come men have them?
Dennis: So they don't look weird in bathing suits.
Henry Mitchell: You go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Dennis: For how long?
Henry Mitchell: Until you're sorry.
Dennis: Oh good, I'm sorry now.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: He can't sit in the corner, I'm taking him over to Margaret's house.
Dennis: [screams] Margaret's house? I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve to go to her house. She'll drive me insane, she's a lunatic, she tortures me, she's ugly, she doesn't share!
Mickey: [reading Dennis a story] How can a train grow?
Dennis: He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep.
Mickey: But what's the point of reading lies?
Dennis: It teaches kids to eat all their food and go to bed when they're supposed to.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: [Dennis doesn't want to go to Margaret's house] You can't spend the summer unsupervised, you're out of school.
Dennis: I'll go back!
George Wilson: Why do you ask so many questions?
Dennis: I've only been around for five years, there's a lot of things I don't know yet.
Dennis: I have one more question.
Switchblade Sam: What?
Dennis: What does a hostage have to do?
Switchblade Sam: Nothing.
Dennis: Then how come you need one?
Switchblade Sam: Incase the cops show up!
Dennis: Do I get to use a gun?
Switchblade Sam: No you get to stand in front of me incase the cops use a gun.
Margaret: You know why men are so lousey when it comes to taking care of babies?
Dennis: They have better things to do.
Margaret: Like what? Play golf and drink beer?
Dennis: No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, cleaning fish. Do you know how to do that?
Joey: Me?
Dennis: Margaret.
Joey: Oh, okay.
Margaret: If you didn't have women, you wouldn't have babies, which means you wouldn't have people.
Joey: And if you didn't have men, who'd drive the ladies to the hospital?
George Wilson: This is an important event for me, Dennis.
Dennis: I know.
George Wilson: So, you mind whatever manners you have and don't make a pest of yourself.
Dennis: Okay.
George Wilson: Don't embarrass me.
George Wilson: Was Dennis in our bathroom?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Yes.
George Wilson: I think the little rat put mouth wash in my nasal spray, and toilet cleanser in my mouth wash.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Oh, why would he do something like that?
George Wilson: [smiles sarcastically] Must you ask?
Dennis: Hi, Mrs. Wilson. Is Mr. Wilson up yet?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Not yet, dear.
Dennis: How much longer do you think he's gonna sleep for?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Not too much longer. He's having his picture taken this morning.
Dennis: For what?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: He's being honored for his garden.
Dennis: [pauses and looks back at the yard, then looks at Mrs. Wilson again] Do you he'll get mad if I wun upstairs.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: What do you want to go upstairs for?
Dennis: I made him a "I'm-Sorry, I Threw Paint On Your Chicken" card!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: That's very nice, Dennis.
Margaret: You guys are the boring ones. There's lots to do.
Dennis: Oh, really? Like what?
Margaret: We could practice singing songs. Or put on a play, or a puppet show.
Joey: We could bury you alive.
Margaret: I could pound your face.
Lieutenant: My advice to you is to just follow the sun on out of here.
Switchblade Sam: The only reason I ain't moving on is 'cause you stopped to give me the breeze.
[Mr. Wilson approaches, covered in flour]
George Wilson: He's only a boy, huh?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: You lied to a toddler, George.
George Wilson: [chuckles]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Well, think how disappointed he's gonna be when he gets home.
George Wilson: Well, he'd better get used to it, this disappointment's gonna be a big part of his life. He's a foot short for his age, and he's cross-eyed.
Dennis: You've got everything figured out, haven't you, Mr. Wilson?
George Wilson: I haven't figured out yet how I'm gonna get my work done with you in the house.
Dennis: That's a tough one.
[in bed at night]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: George, are you sleeping?
George Wilson: I was until you started yakin'.
[Dennis is looking into a voyeur of women magazine]
Dennis: Boy, you've got to be pretty brave to be riding on a tiger in your underpants.
George Wilson: Put that away, that's not for kids.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: George, take Dennis's suitcases up to the guest room, please.
George Wilson: He's got arms.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Don't start, dear.
George Wilson: How come when everyone feasts on the pleasures of life, I get the indigestion?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Because you're an old grump!
George Wilson: Martha! Where are the GD garden lanterns?
George Wilson: [the others see the mess Dennis has made. Some people start taking pictures of it]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [sensing George getting mad] Now, George, take it easy.
George Wilson: [glares at Dennis]
Dennis: [looks back guiltily] I made a mistake?
George Wilson: [just glares back]
George Wilson: [after missing flower show, goes up to flower and grumbles] 40 years down the drain.
[plucks it up and throws it off]
Lieutenant: [to Switchblade Sam] Now look, I run a nice clean town here, and I don't want any trouble. So my advice to you is to follow the sun on out of here.
George Wilson: I don't want to see you; I don't want to know you.
Dennis: [brushing his teeth spots Mr. Wilson's nasal spray. He opens it up and squirts it] Cool! Old faithful!
[suddenly it runs out]
Dennis: [uses the mouthwash to fill it back up. But now the mouthwash is empty]
Dennis: [uses toilet cleanser to fill the mouthwash up]
George Wilson: [turns on bathroom light and walks in but slips on wet soapy floor, doing a full split at the legs]
George Wilson: [grabs hold of the sink, to pull himself up] New pajamas. God bless them.
George Wilson: [opens medicine cabinet and takes toilet-cleaner mouthwash out. He pours some and gargles on it and then spits it out groaning in disgust]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [hearing him from upstairs] Poor thing, I wish he'd get the hernia fixed.
George Wilson: [has mouth on running faucet as he's trying to frantically rinse his mouth]
George Wilson: [sniffling now, he reaches for the nasal spray-mouth wash. He squeezes some up one nostril. Squeezes up the other nostril. His face goes wild as he drops the container]
George Wilson: [howling wildly he plunges his head in the sink full of water and desperately tries cleaning his nose]
Dennis: [singing and splashing around in bathtub] She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming -
[soapy water splashes onto floor]
Henry Mitchell: Your mother made arrangements, that's it! I don't want many arguments.
Dennis: My life is falling apart.
Dennis: [on hearing he has to go to Margaret's house] Aargh!
[Dennis' parents turn at him]
Dennis: Margaret's house? I'd do anything than go into Margaret's house! She's hates me, she's a lunatic, I'll go crazy, she tortures me and she doesn't *share*!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Hi. This is Alice Mitchell.
Elderly Babysitter: Noooooo.
Switchblade Sam: [to people he's holding up] Turn AROUND!
George Wilson: G.D. wading pool!
Dennis: [innocently] Hi.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Did you shoot an aspirin into Mr.Wilson's mouth?
Henry Mitchell: Oh god!
Dennis: I didn't want him to bite off my fingers with his big, fake teeth. Those things are sharp!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: [to Henry] George said Dennis shot an aspirin into his mouth with a slingshot.
Henry Mitchell: What slingshot?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Do you have a slingshot?
Dennis: I'm not sure.
Henry Mitchell: Give it to me.
[Dennis sighs and hands over the slingshot]
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