Dennis the Menace (1993)
Switchblade Sam: Put a cork in it, you're giving me a headache.
Dennis: I don't have a cork.
Switchblade Sam: Shut your mouth.
Dennis: I can't because my nose is stuffy, because of my allergies. If I shut my mouth, I can't breathe good.
Switchblade Sam: Then keep your mouth open, but don't talk.
Dennis: Where do you put the cork when you put a cork in it?
Switchblade Sam: [Pants irritably a couple times] Didn't I ask you to shut your yap?
Dennis: What's a yap?
Switchblade Sam: It's your mouth!
Dennis: I can't shut my mouth because my nose is stuffy -...
Switchblade Sam: SHUT UP!
George Wilson: [sees Dennis being helped by Gunther in a game of hide-and-seek] He's cheating.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: What are you doing?
George Wilson: Dennis is cheating. He's using the Beckman kid as a spy.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Oh, leave them alone, George.
George Wilson: I'm gonna even things up. Gunther?
[Gunther looks up]
George Wilson: Gunther, I'm just talking to your daddy on the telephone. He's going to the ice cream store. He wants to take you with him.
[Gunther gasps in excitement]
George Wilson: Hurry up and go home!
[Gunther goes cross-eyed and runs off]
George Wilson: [chuckles] Now it's fair.
[Mr. Wilson sighs as he sits back down]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: You lied to a toddler, George!
[Mr. Wilson continues chuckling]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Well, think how disappointed he's going to be when he gets home!
George Wilson: Well, he better get used to it. Disappointment's gonna be a big part of his life. He's a foot short for his age and he's cross-eyed.
[Mrs. Wilson glares at him]
George Wilson: [angry about Alice Mitchell's cancelled flight] Over my dead body! This is the crowning moment of my retired life, and I'm not throwing it away like the evening trash for some ninny who can't get her keister to the airport on time!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: George Wilson, you have no right to insult Alice! She can't help the weather any more than you or I.
George Wilson: Well, she...
Mrs. Martha Wilson: It's just plain bad luck! It's no one's fault.
George Wilson: A tragedy of this magnitude has to be somebody's fault, Martha!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: It isn't a tragedy! A little boy's going to join us for a party. Uh, if you want to forsake your neighbors when they need help, you do it alone.
George Wilson: Why is it when everyone else feasts on the pleasure of life, I get the indigestion?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Because you're an old grump!
George Wilson: However, you're dealing with him. He hasn't learned it's not good manners to break in on a fella and shoot an aspirin down his throat.
Henry Mitchell: Oh, Mr. Wilson, he's 5.
George Wilson: When I was 5, I had some respect.
Henry Mitchell: Well, you're probably a pretty exceptional boy.
George Wilson: In 1925, I was not the exception; I was the rule.
[in bed at night]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: George, are you sleeping?
George Wilson: I was until you started yaking.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: I'm sorry.
George Wilson: Was Dennis in our bathroom?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Yes.
George Wilson: I think the little rat put mouthwash in my nasal spray and toilet cleanser in my mouthwash.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Why would he do something like that?
George Wilson: [smiles sarcastically] Must you ask?
Dennis: How old is this bed?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: It belonged to my mother.
Dennis: Where's she sleeping now?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: She's been gone many years, Dennis.
Dennis: On business?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: No, she's in Heaven.
Dennis: Oh, there's an awful lot of people in Heaven, especially old people.
George Wilson: [turns on bathroom light and walks in but slips on wet soapy floor, doing a full split at the legs]
George Wilson: [grabs hold of the sink, to pull himself up] New pajamas. God bless them.
George Wilson: [opens medicine cabinet and takes toilet-cleaner mouthwash out. He pours some and gargles on it and then spits it out groaning in disgust]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [hearing him from upstairs] Poor thing, I wish he'd get the hernia fixed.
George Wilson: [has mouth on running faucet as he's trying to frantically rinse his mouth]
George Wilson: [sniffling now, he reaches for the nasal spray-mouth wash. He squeezes some up one nostril. Squeezes up the other nostril. His face goes wild as he drops the container]
George Wilson: [howling wildly he plunges his head in the sink full of water and desperately tries cleaning his nose]
Margaret: [about her doll being stolen by Switchblade Sam] You guys don't understand! Baby Louise is a very expensive antique!
Dennis: Nobody robbed your doll, Margaret. Maybe a bear ate it.
Joey: Yeah, there's no robbers in our town.
Margaret: You know why men are so lousey when it comes to taking care of babies?
Dennis: They have better things to do.
Margaret: Like what? Play golf and drink beer?
Dennis: No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, shaving, cleaning fish. Do you know how to do that?
Joey: Oh, okay.
Margaret: If you didn't have women, you wouldn't have babies, which means you wouldn't have people.
Joey: And if you didn't have men, who'd drive the ladies to the hospital?
Dennis: Hi, Mrs. Wilson. Is Mr. Wilson up yet?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Not yet, dear.
Dennis: How long do you think he's gonna sleep for?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Not too much longer. He's having his picture taken this morning.
Dennis: For what?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: He's being honored for his garden.
Dennis: [pauses and looks back at the yard, then looks at Mrs. Wilson again] Do you think he'll get mad if I went up the stairs.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: What do you want to go upstairs for?
Dennis: I made him a "I'm Sorry, I Shot Paint On Your Chicken" card!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Well, that's very nice, Dennis.
Dennis: I brought my own pillow so I won't get my spit all over yours.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Thank you, Dennis.
[Mr. Wilson goes disgusted]
Andrea: [sees Dennis in the printing room] Aren't you supposed to be in the daycare area with the other... children?
Dennis: That's where I was, but I had to leave, because the lady that watches all the kids said if she had to look at me for five more seconds...
[Dennis's mother looks in and smiles knowing Andrea will get what she deserves]
Dennis: ...she'd jump out the window.
Andrea: [chuckles] Humph.
Dennis: She's a pretty nice lady, so I wouldn't want her to do that.
George Wilson: You're a pest. A menace. A selfish, spoiled little boy and I've no use for you. You took something from me that I can never get back, something that means more to me than you ever will. You understand? I don't want to see you, I don't want to know you. Get out of my way.
[George walks away]
Dennis: [in tears] I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson.
Margaret: This things been here our whole life and we never knew it.
Joey: Do you think anybody lived in it?
Dennis: Just squirrels and birds.
Joey: It looks kind of junky.
Dennis: We'll fix it up.
Margaret: Oh, good, I'll be the decorator. We'll put on a special room for the babies and a powder room for when we have company.
Dennis: Forts don't have powder rooms.
Margaret: Oh, really? Where do the soldiers' wives go to freshen up?
Joey: Soldiers don't have wives, stupid.
Margaret: Don't call me stupid, baby rump kisser!
Dennis: The most important thing is they marry the women, then the women can go down and get the baby.
Margaret: The baby is in her stomach.
Dennis: She has to get it installed. Her stomach isn't just filled up with babies.
Margaret: Who installed some?
Dennis: A minister and a doctor.
Joey: [laughs] She wants to know how?
[Joey continues laughing but stops as Margaret furiosuly glares at him]
Margaret: Tell me, Dennis. How?
Dennis: The bellybutton-it opens up.
Margaret: How come men have them?
Dennis: So they don't look weird in bathing suits.
[Margaret goes disapproved]
Henry Mitchell: You go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Dennis: For how long?
Henry Mitchell: Until you're sorry.
Dennis: Oh good, I'm sorry now.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: He can't sit in the corner, I have to take him to Margaret Wade's house.
Dennis: [screams in horror scaring his parents] Margaret's house? I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve to go to her house. She's a lunatic, I'll go crazy, she tortures me, she's mean, she's ugly, she doesn't share!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Honey, I made arrangements with Mrs. Wade for you to go to their house while I work.
Dennis: Are you serious?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Well, you can't spend the summer unsupervised. You're out of school.
Dennis: [loses it] *I'll go back*!
Henry Mitchell: You're mother made arrangements. That's it! I don't want any arguments!
Dennis: [lightly bows his head on the table] My life is falling apart.
Mickey: [reading Dennis a story] How can a train grow?
Dennis: He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep.
Mickey: No, like, what's the point of reading lies?
Dennis: It teaches kids to eat all their food, and go to bed when they're supposed to, and not cry when mean cabooses and box cars make fun of him.
Dennis: [looking at Mr. Wilson's gold] Is that Pirate's Gold?
George Wilson: No.
Dennis: Is it real valuable?
George Wilson: Yes.
Dennis: Is that why you keep it in your safe?
George Wilson: Uh-huh.
Dennis: [looks at Mr. Wilson's safe with a door of fake books] How come that safe looks like books?
George Wilson: How come you ask so many questions?
Dennis: I've only been around for 5 years. There's a lot of stuff I don't know.
Dennis: I have one more question.
Switchblade Sam: What?
Dennis: What does a hostage have to do?
Switchblade Sam: Nothing.
Dennis: Then how come you need one?
Switchblade Sam: In case the cops show up!
Dennis: Do I get to use a gun?
Switchblade Sam: No, you get to stand in front of me in case the cops use a gun.
George Wilson: [smiles at party] Well, Dennis, you're mother did not arrive.
George Wilson: This is an important event for me, Dennis.
Dennis: I know.
George Wilson: I, uh, don't want any nonsense. You mind whatever manners you have and don't make a pest of yourself.
George Wilson: [ruffles his hair real hard and leaves] Don't embarrass me.
[Dennis hears and sees elderly ladies near him]
Dennis: [under his breath] Cheek pinchers!
Margaret: You guys are the boring ones. There's lots to do.
Dennis: Oh, really? Like what?
Margaret: We could practice singing songs or put on a play or a puppet show.
Joey: We could bury you alive.
Margaret: I could pound your face.
[Mr. Wilson approaches, covered in flour]
George Wilson: He's only a boy, huh?
Dennis: You've got everything figured out, haven't you, Mr. Wilson?
George Wilson: I haven't figured out yet how I'm gonna get my work done with you in the house.
Dennis: That's a tough one.
[Dennis is looking into a voyeur of women magazine]
Dennis: Holy smokes, you gotta be pretty brave to ride on a tiger in your underpants.
George Wilson: Put that away, that's not for kids.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: George, take Dennis's suitcase up to the guest room, please.
George Wilson: He's got arms.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Don't you start, dear.
George Wilson: [the others see the mess Dennis has made. Some people start taking pictures of it]
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [sensing George getting mad] Now, George, take it easy.
George Wilson: [glares at Dennis]
Dennis: [looks back guiltily] I made a mistake?
George Wilson: [just glares back]
George Wilson: [after missing flower show, goes up to flower and grumbles] 40 years down the drain.
[plucks it up and throws it off]
Chief of Police: I don't believe I've seen you around here before.
Switchblade Sam: Maybe that's 'cause I ain't never been around here.
Chief of Police: What are you up to, buddy?
Switchblade Sam: What's it to ya?
Chief of Police: Now look, I run a nice clean town here, and I don't want any trouble. So, my advice to you is just follow the sun on out of here.
Switchblade Sam: The only reason I ain't moving on is 'cause you stopped to give me the breeze.
[Switchblade Sam grins exposing his ugly teeth, clicks them together, and leaves with a woman's purse he stole from a baby's carraige]
Dennis: [brushing his teeth spots Mr. Wilson's nasal spray. He opens it up and squirts it] Cool! Old faithful!
[suddenly it runs out]
Dennis: [uses the mouthwash to fill it back up. But now the mouthwash is empty]
Dennis: [uses toilet cleanser to fill the mouthwash up]
Dennis: [singing and splashing around in bathtub] She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming -
[soapy water splashes onto floor]
Dennis: [innocently] Hi.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Did you shoot an aspirin into Mr.Wilson's mouth?
Henry Mitchell: Oh god!
Dennis: I didn't want him to bite off my fingers with his big, fake teeth. Those things are sharp!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: [to Henry] George said Dennis shot an aspirin into his mouth with a slingshot.
Henry Mitchell: What slingshot?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Do you have a slingshot?
Dennis: I'm not sure.
Henry Mitchell: Give it to me.
[Dennis sighs and hands over the slingshot]
Andrea: Hi, mom.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: Good morning.
Andrea: I hear you're trying to beg off the Oklahoma City trip.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: I asked that it be rescheduled.
Andrea: Have a Cub Scout meeting or something?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: My husband has a trip at the same time. His was scheduled before mine.
Andrea: So, if you and your husband travel at the same time, there's no one to watch your kid. Is that the problem?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: It's not a problem, per se.
Andrea: Oh, good. Because if you want to blow off your trip, I'm the one who has to cover for you, and I have plans I can't break. I don't have kids but I do have a life. I'm sorry. I'm just not gonna be able to help you.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: God...
George Wilson: Who else has a night-blooming mock orchid flowering this year?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: It's an awfully homely-looking plant, George.
George Wilson: Hang the looks at the thing! It opens before your eyes in the light of a full moon. It's a marvel, Martha. 40 years to mature and blossom. The flower opens and withers in a matter of moments.
[Mr. and Mrs. Wilson approach a rare mock orchid kept alive for 40 years]
George Wilson: There isn't a gardener in town who has a plant that requires a 40-year investment for ten seconds of splendor.
Dennis: [in an attempt to give Mr. Wilson his 'I'm Sorry' card] I'm kind of busy today, so I won't have a chance to give it to him. I have to go to Margaret's house, because we're getting poor and my mom's got a job now. So could I just leave it up by his whisker-cutter? That's where I leave all my dad's 'Sorry' cards, and it's a good time to say you're sorry. 'Cause grownup guys are happy in the morning when they wake up. My dad's so happy, he whistles when he goes to the bathroom. The only time he isn't happy is on Sunday morning when he and my mom wrestle. They kind of like to be alone when they do that. I think it's 'cause they take off their shirts and then they start to make funny noises.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [uncomfortable about what Dennis is saying] Uh, you can go up, as long as you promise not to disturb Mr. Wilson.
Dennis: I promise.
Andrea: [is stuck to the printer from Dennis] Oh, I'm gonna get that little kid!
George Wilson: Where are you going?
Mrs. Martha Wilson: [mad at him for his apathy] To make myself a cup of tea.
George Wilson: I didn't decree that we wouldn't have children, Martha. It was out of both our hands.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: This isn't about having children or not having children, George. You missed the point. It's about my feeling, something very good and not being able to tell you about it.
Henry Mitchell: [after hearing about Dennis shooting a pill in Mr. Wilson's Mouth] I'm Sorry about this Morning.
George Wilson: Your kid is driving me nuts.
Henry Mitchell: I'll talk to him again.
George Wilson: Maybe it isn't talk that he needs, when my father had something to tell me, he told me with his belt.
Henry Mitchell: That's not how I deal with my son, George.
[Dennis has just put paint Mr. Wilson's barbequed chicken]
George Wilson: Tastes like paint and wood.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: I'll make us some sandwiches.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell: [while at a business meeting] You see, when I go to the mall with my little boy, we can't get out unless we visit the toy store. I mean, he knows he's not gonna get anything unless it's a special occasion or something like that, but like every other little kid; he just wants to go in and look around.
Andrea: Could you spare us the family anecdotes please?
Dennis: [upon discovering that Switchblade Sam had stolen Mr. Wilson's gold] This is Mr. Wilson's gold. How come you got it?
Switchblade Sam: I stole it.
Dennis: You're a robber?
Switchblade Sam: I'm a thief.
Switchblade Sam: Say your prayers, little rat!
Dennis: I can't, I didn't take my bath yet.
Switchblade Sam: Have it your own way!
[as Sam readies his knife on Dennis, the train arrives and the rope tied on him sticks him to the ceiling, he then lands back into the water and is stabbed in the butt by his own blade]
Polly: Hi, Mr Mitchell.
Henry Mitchell: Hello Polly, come on in.
[Polly enters the house]
Henry Mitchell: What's the helmet for?
Polly: Oh my girlfriend used to babysit for Dennis, she said to bring a helmet and wear pants.
Dennis: I'm sorry I'm not having a very fun camping trip.
Switchblade Sam: Nobody shoots a marble at my head and sets my pants on fire!
Dennis: That was an accident.
Switchblade Sam: [picks him up and stands him up] There ain't gonna be no more accidents! Turn around!
[Dennis shrugs and does so, Sam ties up Dennis's legs with rope]
Dennis: You're doing it wrong.
Switchblade Sam: Get lost. I tied up lots of guys in my life.
Dennis: Okay, but I bet you never tied up a five-year-old. I'll just get out.
Switchblade Sam: I'll make this rope so tight, you won't be able to move.
Dennis: The rope's too big and my legs are too small to make it tight enough. There's only one way to do it, and I know because lots of people have tried to tie me up, but it doesn't work. But you try it your way. I'll just get out and you'll just have to keep doing it.