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Demolition Man (1993) Poster

Quotes

John Spartan: [to machine on wall after finding out that they no longer use toilet paper] Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.

Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute.

John Spartan: [grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.

Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex?

John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now?

Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm.

John Spartan: Oh yeah.

John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

Simon Phoenix: Good memory.

[last lines]

John Spartan: But there's just one thing I wanna know...

Lenina Huxley: Hm?

John Spartan: How's that damn three seashell thing work?

John Spartan: Bad aim, Blondie!

Simon Phoenix: Spartan? John Spartan? Aw shit, they let anybody into this century! What the hell you doing here?

John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.

John Spartan: You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it.

[after futuristic, contact-free "sex"]

John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don't we just do it the old-fashioned way?

Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean... *fluid transfer*?

John Spartan: You're on TV!

Lenina Huxley: [Spartan encounters a burger grill in the underground world] Just don't ask them where the meat comes from.

John Spartan: Huxley, what's that supposed to mean?

Lenina Huxley: Do you see any cows around here, detective?

John Spartan: Que es este carne?

[What is this meat?]

Hamburger Stand Scrap: Este carne es de rata.

[This meat is from rats]

John Spartan: Rat? This is a rat burger?

[vendor nods]

John Spartan: Not bad! Matter of fact this is the best burger I've had in years!

Hamburger Stand Scrap: Gracias, Senor.

John Spartan: Prego. See ya later.

Edgar Friendly: You got big balls coming down here, cop after the kind of show *you* put on.

Lenina Huxley: We are looking for a murder-death-killer. Are you gonna help us or bully us with your primitive weapons?

[Friendly then raises his twin barrelled pistol and fires it to show it's not primitive]

Lenina Huxley: Oh, maybe they're not so primitive.

Edgar Friendly: So, you think you're taking me in huh? Guess what, not happening. Yeah, you can tell Cacteau he can kiss my ass. That's right, tell him that it's gonna take a whole *army* of assholes to get rid of me 'cause I don't give a shit, I've got nothing to lose.

John Spartan: Hey, I don't wanna rain on your parade, pal. But, i don't know who the hell you think you are or who's gonna take you anywhere. So stay here, be well and Cacteau's an asshole!

[In anger, he slaps a scrap who drops his weapon]

Wasteland Scrap: No, he must be lying. They're only down here to spy on us.

John Spartan: Wait a minute, *you're* that guy outside Taco Bell.

Edgar Friendly: Yeah. What do you want?

John Spartan: I guess you're not a part of the *Cacteau Plan* are you?

Edgar Friendly: What? Greed, deception, abuse of power? That's no plan.

John Spartan: That's why everybody's down here?

Edgar Friendly: That's right. You see, according to *Cacteau's* plan. *I'm* the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, freedom of choice. I'm the kind if guy who would sit in the greasy spoon and think "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the big rack of Barbecued spare ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I *want* high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter and buckets of cheese alright? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinatti in a non-smoking section. I wanna run around naked with green jell-o all over my body reading a Playboy magazine. Why? Because maybe I feel the need to okay pal? I've *seen* the future, you know what it is. It's made by a 47 year-old virgin in gray pajamas soaking in a bubble bath, drinking a broccoli milkshake and thinking "I'm an Oscar-Meyer Wiener". You wanna live on top, you gotta live Cacteau's way. What he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Your other option: come down here, maybe starve to death.

John Spartan: Why don't you take charge and lead these people out of here?

Edgar Friendly: I'm no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes, people come with me. All I want to do is bury Cacteau up to his neck in shit and make him think happy, happy thoughts forever.

John Spartan: Well, I got bad news. *I* think he wants to *kill* you.

[Freindly gives him a blank look]

Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creature John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!

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Simon Phoenix: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?

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Booth: Gun. Noun. Portable firearm. This device was widely utilized in the urban wars of the late twentieth century. Referred to as a pistol, a piece...

Simon Phoenix: Look I don't need a history lesson! C'mon, HAL, where are the god damn guns?

Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

Simon Phoenix: What? Fuck you!

Moral Statute Machine: Your repeated violation of the Verbal Morality Statute has caused me to notify the San Angeles Police Department. Please remain where you are for your reprimand.

Simon Phoenix: Yeah, right.

[police sirens approach]

Simon Phoenix: Fuckers are fast too.

Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

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John Spartan: Hey Luke Skywalker, use the force.

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[after Spartan crashes in a police car]

Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're a shambles!

John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.

[pause]

John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!

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John Spartan: Huxley, enough! This isn't the Wild West. The Wild West wasn't even the Wild West. Hurting people's not a good thing! Well, sometimes it is, but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat!

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Lenina Huxley: Looks like there's a new shepherd in town.

[Spartan gives her an exasperated look]

John Spartan: That's sheriff.

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Lenina Huxley: Chief, you can take this job, and you can shovel it.

John Spartan: Take this job... and shovel it.

Lenina Huxley: Yeah?

John Spartan: Close enough.

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Lenina Huxley: He's finally matched his meet. You really licked his ass.

John Spartan: That's *met* his match and kicked... *kicked* his ass...

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Boggle Guard: Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?

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Lenina Huxley: The exchange of bodily fluids, do you know what that leads to?

John Spartan: Yeah, I do! Kids, smoking, a desire to raid the fridge.

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Lenina Huxley: I find this lack of stimulus to be truly disappointing, don't you think?

Warden William Smithers - Aged: I try not to, my dear. However, you're young, think all you want!

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Lenina Huxley: [sotto voce] Sanctimonious asshole.

Machine on wall: Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a sotto voce violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

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Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Die."

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Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Bleed."

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Troubled Guy: I don't know... lately I just don't feel like there's anything special about me.

Booth: You are an incredibly sensitive man, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you.

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Erwin: We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!

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John Spartan: I'm gonna go down there, I'm gonna find Phoenix, and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker.

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Taco Bell Patron: What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era gratefully forgotten?

John Spartan: I don't know... thanks?

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[Huge Explosion, John Spartan steps from the wreckage]

Simon Phoenix: I'll be god damned! Like a New York cockroach!

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Simon Phoenix: I must've done something right in a previous life. Can't imagine what that could've been.

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T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?

Little Girl: FUCK YOU, LADY!

John Spartan: Ha! Good answer!

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[a frozen naked criminal swings by overhead]

Simon Phoenix: I hope my butt didn't look like that! Okay, who do we have left that's good? Wilkes, Patrick... Jeffrey Dahmer? I love that guy!

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Simon Phoenix: So let me get this right, they defrosted you just so you could lasso my piddly ass? Damn, you been had! I been dreamin' about killin' you for forty years.

John Spartan: Well, keep dreaming!

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Dr. Cocteau: Well I must say that whacking, whatever it is, sounds most disagreeable.

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John Spartan: You're under arrest, Phoenix.

Simon Phoenix: Arrest? Shit. And you're trespassing.

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Squad Leader: Simon Phoenix! Lie down with your hands behind your back.

Simon Phoenix: What's this? Six of you. Such nice, tidy uniforms. Oh I'm so scared!

[the Police Officers look at each other]

Simon Phoenix: What you guys don't have sarcasm anymore?

[Police Officer talks to his automated assistant]

Squad Leader: Maniac has responded with a scornful remark.

automated assistant: Approach, and repeat ultimatum in an even firmer tone of voice. Add the words, "or else".

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Automated Announcer: The Armory exhibit is now sealed. All museum patrons still occupying the facility should remain calm. Help is imminent.

[the sealed Armory door is blown apart by a canon]

Simon Phoenix: The museum is no longer sealed, is it? Ha-ha! What can I say, I'm a blast from the past!

John Spartan: You should've stayed there.

Simon Phoenix: Oh boy, that voice sounds familiar. Who is that?

[opens fire]

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Chief George Earle: We can just wait for another code to go red. And when Phoenix performs another Murder Death Kill, we'll know exactly where to pounce.

John Spartan: [sarcastic] Great plan.

Chief George Earle: [not realising the sarcasm] Thank you.

Erwin: He likes your plan, Chief!

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[cops are singing along with "golden oldies": radio jingles]

John Spartan: Somebody put me back in the fridge.

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Zachary Lamb - Aged: Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.

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Lenina Huxley: No, John Spartan, you do not accuse the savior of our city of being in league with a multi-murder-death-killer like Simon Phoenix! It's... rude!

John Spartan: I'll be subtle. I'm good at subtle.

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Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time!

John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked.

[Shoots out the monitors with Cocteau's face on them]

John Spartan: When a man like Pheonix has a gun to your head, ten seconds is nine and a half seconds longer than you live.

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Lenina Huxley: I have, in fact, perused some newsreels in the Schwarzenegger Library, and the time that you took that car...

JohnSpartan: Hold it. The Schwarzenegger Library?

Lenina Huxley: Yes. The Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor when you...?

JohnSpartan: Stop! He was President?

Lenina Huxley: Yes! Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment which states...

JohnSpartan: I don't wanna know. President...

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[John Spartan landed on the police car stolen by Simon Phoenix]

Simon Phoenix: No free rides!

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[the voice-activated car that Spartan is riding in is malfunctioning]

John Spartan: Brake! Brake! Brake now, you Mickey Mouse-piece of shit!

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Simon Phoenix: [after his gang kills Dr. Cocteau] Put another log on the fire!

[the gang throws Cocteau into the fireplace]

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John Spartan: Why don't you just shove a leash up my ass?

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Lenina Huxley: [shoots a CyroCon about to knife Spartan] That man has died by my hands.

John Spartan: It was him or us, Huxley.

Lenina Huxley: Well yeah, there is that.

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John Spartan: [whispering to Lenina] Look, I don't know if you guys know it, but uh... you're out of toilet paper.

Alfredo Garcia: [confused] Did... did you say toilet *paper*?

Lenina Huxley: Um... they used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th...

[Lenina, Alfredo, and Erwin all laugh]

John Spartan: I'm happy that you're happy, but the place where you're supposed to have the toilet paper, you've got this little shelf with three seashells on it.

Erwin: He doesn't know how to use the three seashells!

[Erwin continues to laugh, then calms down]

Erwin: I can see how that could be confusing.

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Dr. Cocteau: Be well!

John Spartan: Be fucked.

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John Spartan: [commenting on his cryo-prison conditioning program] I'm a seamstress? - That's great. I come out of cryo-prison and I'm Betsy-fucking-Ross...

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[Simon goes to a computer terminal and is surprised to find his fingers flying across the keys with ease]

Simon Phoenix: Damn, I'm possessed! Wonder if I can play the accordion too...

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Lenina Huxley: [complementing Spartan] You are even better live than on Laserdisc!

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Lenina Huxley: I thought your life force had been prematurely terminated!

John Spartan: Yeah, I thought I was history too. What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli.

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[Simon's museum piece "ray gun" beeps ready]

Simon Phoenix: It's about time! The past is over, John! Time for something new and improved!

John Spartan: Aw, hell...

[he leaps out of the way as Simon fires an energy blast from the rifle, blowing a hydrant apart]

Simon Phoenix: Holy shit! I love this gun!

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Simon Phoenix: [to Cocteau] That's who you remind me of: an evil Mr. Rogers!

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[Spartan and Huxley enter and see Cocteau's face speaking to them from dozens of monitors]

Dr. Cocteau: Forgive my lack of bodily disposition, but I do have an entire city government to run.

John Spartan: Yeah, well run this: you programmed Phoenix's rehabilitation program to turn him into a terrorist, and I don't think his escape was an accident either!

Lenina Huxley: Very subtle.

John Spartan: Thank you.

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[after Spartan crashes in a police car]

Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're in shambles!

John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.

[pause]

John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!

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Edgar Friendly: [referring to Phoenix] They thawed this guy out just to kill me? I'm flattered.

John Spartan: Don't be flattered, be frightened. This guy's a certifiable nightmare.

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[John Spartan is about to bungee jump from a helicopter]

John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.

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Warden William Smithers - Aged: Do you have anything new to say on your behalf?

Simon Phoenix: Yeah, I do. Teddy Bear!

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Simon Phoenix: See, I told the city, I said "Look, nobody comes down here." Postmen figured it out. Policemen figured it out. But the goddamned bus drivers just wouldn't listen.

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Chief George Earle: You have apprehended the villain responsible for the murder of our beloved Dr. Raymond Cocteau?

John Spartan: Well, I wouldn't exactly say apprehended. Let's just say he's history. And the Cryo-prison? That's history, too.

[Chief Earle looks upon the damaged cryo-prison in disbelief]

Chief George Earle: [confused; takes off his glasses] What will we do? How will we live?

Edgar Friendly: I tell you what we're do. We're all gonna go out drinking, get shit-faced, and paint the town, literally. I mean graffiti, slogans. It'll be a blast.

John Spartan: Whoa, Whoa. I'll tell you what gonna do:

John Spartan: [to Chief Earle] Why don't you get a little dirty?

John Spartan: [to Edgar] You a lot clean.

John Spartan: And somewhere in the middle... I don't know. You'll figure it out.

Alfredo Garcia: Fuckin' A!

John Spartan: [impressed] Well put.

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Lenina Huxley: Thank you for rendering me unconscious.

John Spartan: Huxley, I did it for your own good.

Lenina Huxley: We're supposed to be a team.

John Spartan: We are.

[grabs Huxley, dips, and tongue-kisses her]

Lenina Huxley: [shocked, but impressed] Oh, my. Are all bodily fluid transfers like this?

John Spartan: Better.

Lenina Huxley: Better? Oh, my.

[Huxley kisses Spartan]

John Spartan: I think I'm gonna like the future.

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Simon Phoenix: You're dead, Spartan!

John Spartan: You forgot to say Simon Says.

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Lenina Huxley: Ah, smoking is not good for you, and it's been deemed that anything not good for you is bad; hence, illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat...

John Spartan: Are you shitting me?

Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

John Spartan: What the hell is that?

Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

Lenina Huxley: Bad language, chocolate, gasoline, uneducational toys and anything spicy. Abortion is also illegal, but then again so is pregnancy if you don't have a licence.

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Zachary Lamb - Aged: Simon Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.

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John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

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Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time!

John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked.

[Shooting]

John Spartan: When a man like Simon Pheonix pionts a gun at your head, 10 seconds is 9 1/2 seconds longer than you live.

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Simon Phoenix: [checking the charge status of his futuristic plasma rifle] C'mon you space-age piece of shit!

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Captain Healy: Dammit, Spartan. I'm sick and tired of this "Demolition Man" shit! You're *not* supposed to come down here, you're *not* supposed to apprehend Simon Phoenix sigle-handedly, and you're *not* supposed to blow anything up!

John Spartan: It wasn't me this time, *he* dumped the gas and had the placed rigged to blow.

Captain Healy: Yeah right, and you had nothing to do with it. I know you've been trying to nail this psycho for 2 years. But try to remember a little thing like official police procedure. Now where are the hostages?

John Spartan: They're not here.

Captain Healy: What do mean they're not here, are you sure?

John Spartan: Because I did a thermo check. They're only 8 people, all a part of his gang.

Simon Phoenix: [Being arrested] Wrong again.

John Spartan: Do you have something to say, scum bag?

Captain Healy: [to officer apprehending Phoenix] Get him out of here.

[to Spartan]

Captain Healy: You and I are gonna have a nice long chat.

Fire Fighter: [Coming in] Captain. Captain.

Captain Healy: What.

Fire Fighter: We've checked the building. There's bodies everywhere, there has to be about 20 or 30, they're evrywhere.

[Spartan looks in disbelief]

Captain Healy: See Captain. I told him, he said he didn't care.

[Spartan charges at Phoenix but is restrained by his fellow officers]

Simon Phoenix: Oh shit, I can't believe that you gave up 30 hostages for little old me. We're gonna have a nice time together. See ya' sweetie. Honey! Sugar!

Captain Healy: Hope you called your lawyer, because you're gonna need him.

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Lenina Huxley: What you're telling me to do is violate a direct order. I'm supposed to take you back to the Cryo Prison.

John Spartan: Listen, Huxley. I just know okay. I'm gonna find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him on ice or that's where *I'm* gonna be. After that, I'm gonna turn all of my attention to that fuckin' Cacteau.

Lenina Huxley: Enhance your calm, John Spartan.

John Spartan: Look, I'm tired of enhancing my calm.

Alfredo Garcia: [Seeing Spartan opening the pod to the depths of wasteland] Wait, you're opening the pod to the depths of wasteland?

John Spartan: The real reason why your citywide search didn't work is because Phoenix was in an area that A: You can't monitor. B: You're afraid to go down and C: You don't give a shit about. Now, I'm going to find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker. So, are you coming with me, or are you gonna arrest me?

Lenina Huxley: Okay. Let's go blow this guy.

John Spartan: [Annoyed] Away. Blow this guy *away*?

Lenina Huxley: Whatever.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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