[singing in the shower]
Dave: Hail to the chief / He's the one we all say "Hail" to. / We all say "Hail" / 'Cause he keeps himself so clean! / He's got the power, / That's why he's in the shower...
Bob Alexander: I'm going to kill him.
Alan Reed: You can't kill a President.
Bob Alexander: He's not a President. He's an ordinary person. I can kill an ordinary person.
Alan Reed: Bob!
Bob Alexander: I can kill a hundred ordinary people!
Ellen Mitchell: Why couldn't you die from a stroke like everyone else?
Dave Kovic: She's great. She's really exotic! She's a princess! She's Polynesian - well, half Polynesian, and half American. She's... Amnesian.
Dave: I don't want to tell some eight-year-old kid he's gotta sleep in the street because we want people to feel better about their *car*. Do *you* want to tell them that?
Secretary of Commerce: [quietly] No sir.
[sits back in his seat and reflects]
Secretary of Commerce: No I sure don't.
White House Tour Guide: And we're walking, and we're walking, and we're stopping.
Dave: According to the OMB, we have seventeen defense contractors who are delinquent in their contracts. Is this true, Frank?
Director of OMB: Uh, I believe so, yes.
Dave: So, even though they're late, we keep paying them on time?
Director of OMB: Well, in a sense... yeah.
Dave: The president and the first lady... what is that? How long has that been going on?
Duane: I can't say.
Dave: You mean, you don't know, or "you can't say"?
Duane: I can't say.
Dave: You know, I've always wondered about you guys. You know, about how you're trained to take a bullet for the president?
Duane: What about it?
Dave: Is that really true? I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life?
Dave: So, now that means you'd get killed for me too.
Alan Reed: Bob, at some point we're gonna have to call the Vice President.
Bob Alexander: Don't call the Vice President.
Alan Reed: What?
Bob Alexander: Just don't call him, Al.
Alan Reed: The guy's in a coma, Bob!
Bob Alexander: I don't give a shit.
Alan Reed: Bob!
Bob Alexander: This is mine, Alan. All mine. I made him, I built him. And no Boy Scout is going to come in here and take it away from me, just because he happens to be Vice President of the United States.
Bob Alexander: What do you think you're doing?
Dave: What? Oh, you mean the press conference. I had a couple of ideas that I wanted to share with the country.
Bob Alexander: Share? Share? You don't call a press conference. I call a press conference. You're nothing. Do you understand? You're nobody.
Dave: I'm not nobody.
Bob Alexander: You're LINT! You're a FLEA! You're a BLIP!
Dave: Well... maybe I am. But you're fired.
Dave: If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And its not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you, stand up and decide to try.
[Dave shakes hands with Duane just before they part company]
Duane: I would have taken a bullet for you.
[Dave looks stunned for a moment, then smiles]
Dave: Thanks, Duane.
President William H. Mitchell: [meeting Dave for the first time] You're a very handsome man.
Dave Kovic: Thank you, Mr. President.
President William H. Mitchell: Just get rid of the grin... you look like a schmuck.
Ellen Mitchell: [after Dave reveals his true identity to Ellen] What do you do for a living?
Dave: You mean, when I'm not running the country?
Ellen Mitchell: Yeah.
Dave: I run a temp agency. You know, secretaries and stuff.
Ellen Mitchell: So you find people jobs.
Dave: What? What's so funny?
Ellen Mitchell: It's just, it's more than most people do around here.
Ellen Mitchell: Reminds me of when you were in the state legislature.
Dave: Yeah... me too.
Ellen Mitchell: You weren't in the state legislature.
[stands up and offers her hand]
Ellen Mitchell: Hi. I'm Ellen Mitchell. Who are you?
Girl at Durenberger's: [at the domestic cars convention] Mommy, that's not really the President, is it?
Mom at Durenberger's: I sure hope not!
Alan Reed: [trying to convince Dave to take the job] Imagine that the entire United States of America is in the car.
Dave: In the car?
Alan Reed: In the car!
Bob Alexander: And you've got to get it to the hospital.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: What you don't want to eat is donuts. No donuts.
[Dave has bitten into one and spits it out]
Ellen Mitchell: Who was she, Bill? Another "patriotic" secretary?
Dave: [after reciting Bob Alexander's charges against him] Okay, let's get right to the guts of it: every one of these accusations is absolutely true.
[a sensation passes through the House. Cut to Bob's home, as he and his supporters are watching this on TV; several of them clap him on the back]
Bob Alexander: HO, HO, HO! Die, you pond scum!
Dave: I'm the President, and as they say, the buck stops here. So I take full responsibility for each one of my illegal actions. But that's not the whole story. I think the American people are entitled to the real truth.
[opens his briefcase]
Dave: I have here evidence in the form of notes, letters, and written memoranda, proving that Bob Alexander was involved in each of these illegal acts, and in most cases planned them as well.
[Cut to Bob's house, where a murmur passes through Bob's supporters, and some of them head for the door]
Bob Alexander: Alan.
Dave: Now, allegations of wrongdoing have also been made against Vice President Nance. Now, as this evidence will prove, at no time and in no way was the Vice President involved in any of this affair. Bob just made all that up. Vice President Nance is a good and decent public servant, and I want to apologize for any pain that this has caused him or his family.
[Dave turns and offers his hand. Nance stands and takes it. As they shake, the House applauds. Cut to Bob's home, now empty except for him, as he watches the TV]
Dave: [entering the Oval Office] Let's get back to work!
[bangs the desk with his hand, sits in the chair and falls over]
Duane: [closing the Oval Office door] He's all right.
Dave: I mean she's the first lady. I mean couldn't I have started with a cousin?
[on the balcony, being fed lines by Bob and Al, they try to tell him to leave]
Alan Reed: Go!
Bob Alexander: Go, go!
Dave: [raises a fist] Go, go, go!
[the reporters look confused]
Dave: You ever think back to how you got started?
Vice-President Nance: Well...
Vice-President Nance: I was a shoe salesman. Not very happy about it. One day, my wife says to me, "why don't you try running for office? You know, you talk about it all the time. Why don't you just go do it?" So I tell my boss I have a dentist appointment, and go down to the registrar of voters on my lunch break... next thing I know I'm a councilman.
Vice-President Nance: My wife was my campaign manager, we had a budget of two thousand dollars - with advertising.
Vice-President Nance: What about you?
Vice-President Nance: How did you get started?
Dave: [smiles] Kind of the same way.
Ellen Mitchell: [first encounter and public appearance] Don't you have anything else you want to say to me?
Dave: Thank you for doing this, Ellen.
Ellen Mitchell: Go to hell, Bill!
Dave: She hates me!
Randi: Mr. President, Gary Nance is waiting in your office.
Duane: [biting on the words] The Vice President.
Duane: The *Vice President!*
Dave: Oh! I'm sorry, ever since I had the stroke I've not been hearing things right... it's like...*whooo!*
Randi: Oh my God...
Jay Leno: What is with President Mitchell lately? I mean has this guy been having too many "Happy Meals"? I mean geez!
Dave: First cover of Time and I need a shave.
Dave: You ever think about wearing a sweater? Make you blend in more.
Duane: Sweaters make my neck look too thick.
Dave: Even a sweater vest? You could wear a tie.
Duane: You think a sweater vest would look good on me?
Ellen Mitchell: There's no mistake, Bill. When you veto someone's funding that is not a mistake. When you hurt someone intentionally that is not a mistake.
Ellen Mitchell: [after discovering Dave] Look, I'll make this easy for you. I barely see him anymore. I barely know him anymore. I'd just kind of like to know where he is.