Beldar Conehead: When my people come to colonize this planet, you will be on the protected rolls, and no harm will come to you.
Gladys Johnson, Driving Student: You are wise. But there is a sadness to your wisdom.
Beldar Conehead: If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great.
Connie: How can it take so long to do a simple alignment on an american sedan with standard rack-and-pinion steering and MacPherson struts When your garage is equipped with the proper Borg-Warner digital hydraulic radiometer?
Ronnie: Maybe because I was out back finishing a beer.
Beldar Conehead: An owner's manual to a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.
Highmaster: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?
Beldar Conehead: A personal conveyance named after its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a character from Greco-Roman myth and a small furry mammal.
[Connie gulps down an entire sub sandwich]
Ronnie: [impressed] Wow! My Mom's the only other woman I know who can take a sandwich like that!
Connie: [pointing at Ronnie's sub] You going to finish that?
[Beldar tears open the roof to Ronnie's car]
Ronnie: H-hi, Mr. Conehead.
Beldar Conehead: I find you unacceptable!
Ronnie: Yes, sir.
Beldar Conehead: If I did not fear incarceration from human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to force its collapse!
Ronnie: Th-thank you.
Golfer: Hey buddy, what's with the head?
Larry Farber: Ah forget him, he's not a member.
Prymatt Conehead: You know Connie, I read in a magazine that you can talk to me about anything.
Highmaster: Therefore, you will... NARFTLE THE GARTHOK!
Dr. Rudolph, Dentist: Hello Mr. De-Sick-o.
Beldar Conehead: DeChicco, my name is DeChicco.
Otto: Hey Beldar, got any more of that gum?
Beldar Conehead: Certainly.
[hands him a wrapped condom]
Otto: On second thought, I better not chew and drive.
Otto: Are you telling me you don't have a social security number?
Beldar Conehead: Correct. I am an illegal alien.
Otto: Damn, I knew you were too good to be true.
Beldar Conehead: Take my car, its re-enforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted out shit box.
Connie: I think I'll have some Tang.
Prymatt Conehead: Ah Tang, the drink astronauts took to the moon.
Beldar Conehead: Astronauts to the moon?
[Beldar and Prymatt laugh]
Beldar Conehead: [to Connie after they return to Earth] Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not everyday a father can give the world to his child.
Beldar Conehead: [Furious to be kept waiting over his car repair] What choice do I have? It is as if you have grabbed me by the base of my snarglies!
Ronnie: Yeah, my grandfather's from the "Old Country".
Connie: Oh really, which one?
Ronnie: I'm not sure. One of the big ones.
Athletic Cone: I have learned much from watching the Garthok battle. It has weaknesses. I believe I can take it.
Beldar Conehead: Uh-huh. And let me know when Elvis gets here.
Beldar Conehead: When the High Master hears of this he will surely cut off my plargh and hand it to me.
Lisa Farber: All men are pigs.
Prymatt Conehead: Ah, pigs. An omnivorous domesticated cloven-hooved vertebrate that defecates in the same place it consumes.
Lisa Farber: Exactly.