Addams Family Values (1993)
[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday: We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Becky: [whispered] Wednesday!
Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, you will play golf, and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words.
Wednesday: And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Wednesday: We don't hug.
Becky: Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley: We're not shy.
Wednesday: We're contagious.
Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Debbie Jellinsky: [meeting Gomez] Isn't he a lady killer!
Morticia: [to Debbie] You have enslaved him. You have placed Fester under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
Amanda: Hi, I'm Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like that?
Wednesday: Like what?
Amanda: Like you're going to a funeral. Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Gomez: [to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
[the dancer in the cake doesn't pop out]
Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head]
Gomez: C'est la vie!
Morticia: [to Gomez] I'm just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It's just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
Heather: [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them?
[lights a match]
Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] Alright children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.
Wednesday: Pugsley, the baby weighs ten pounds, the cannonball weighs twenty pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley: I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday: Which do you think?
Pugsley: The cannonball?
Wednesday: Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley: The baby?
Wednesday: There's only one way to find out. Ready? One... two... three.
Debbie Jellinsky: You know, when I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe.
Uncle Fester: You did?
Debbie Jellinsky: It's true.
Uncle Fester: But, I took a bath.
Gomez: [shouting] I demand justice! Someone has married my brother!
Desk sergeant: [sarcastically] No!
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii!
Desk sergeant: [cynically] Get outta here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love *constantly*!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens.
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant: Who?
Gomez: Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez: Officer, you must issue a subpoena. I believe they own...
Morticia: Gomez, NO!
Gomez: [shouting] A Buick!
Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: You're too weird.
Wednesday: [giving a funeral to a cat in a shoe-box] Come, sorrow; we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.
Grandma: Dearly beloved...
Wednesday: [the cat mews and Wednesday shakes the box] Shh! Quiet!
Grandma: [starts piling dirt on the box]
Joel: Wednesday, do you think that maybe someday you might want to get married and have kids?
Joel: But what if you met the right man, who worshiped and adored you? Who'd do anything for you? Who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?
Wednesday: I'd pity him.
Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want to help me realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character and the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: That's for damn sure.
Debbie Jellinsky: These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia: It has to be damp.
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Debbie Jellinsky: I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won't listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides.
[Showing slide pictures]
Debbie Jellinsky: My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or *were they*? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday.
[the slide shows her as a child, smiling and opening a gift]
Debbie Jellinsky: I was 10, and do you know what they got me? *Malibu* Barbie.
Morticia: Malibu Barbie.
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky: [flicks to the next slide of her throwing a bared-teeth temper tantrum] That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a *ballerina*, graceful, delicate! They had to go.
[the next slide shot shows a burning house]
Debbie Jellinsky: Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester: Yes.
Debbie Jellinsky: Promise?
Delivery Room Doctor: [to Morticia] Push, Mrs. Addams.
[to the Nurse]
Delivery Room Doctor: Forceps?
Forceps Nurse: Forceps.
[giving the Doctor forceps]
Forceps Nurse: Forceps.
Delivery Room Doctor: Would you like anesthesia?
Morticia: No, thank you. But do ask the children.
Wednesday: [to Gomez and Morticia] You sent us to camp. They made us sing.
Debbie Jellinsky: [to Fester and Thing] I'll get you - and your little hand, too!
Uncle Fester: Dementia! What a beautiful name!
Dementia: It means "insanity."
Uncle Fester: My name is Fester. It means "to rot."
Joel: Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Joel: I die.
Gomez: [visibly disgusted] Fresh air. The scent of pine.
[hands Pugsley a cigar]
Morticia: Wednesday, look at all of the other children, their freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles. Help them.
Morticia: So... you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Morticia: I'll get them!
Debbie Jellinsky: I just can't tell, does he like me at all?
Morticia: Of course he does. He vomited.
Debbie Jellinsky: That's true. Does he always do that with women he likes?
Morticia: Oh, no. Just you.
[driving to Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means "orphan."
Gomez: At his request, I would rip out my eyes. At his command, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia: Why wait?
[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
Becky: It's an American Bald Eagle!
Gary: But, aren't they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.
[at Debbie's house]
Morticia: Where are we?
Grandma: It looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.
Debbie Jellinsky: Yes, I need to renew my passport. I'll be leaving the country very shortly.
Passport Clerk: Will you be traveling alone?
Debbie Jellinsky: Yes, I'll be a widow.
Morticia: My baby is ill, and my husband is dying. Oh Mama, what shall I do?
Grandma: Well, you have a black dress.
Gary: Yes, indeedy, just the ticket: "Bambi."
Becky: "Lassie Come Home."
Gary: "The Little Mermaid."
Wednesday: Stop it!
Joel: [motioning to Pugsley] He's only a child.
Morticia: [confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie...
Debbie Jellinsky: What?
[Grandma waves a skull at Debbie]
Grandma: Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie Jellinsky: What is she doing?
Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.
[at the police station after asking to arrest Debbie]
Gomez: [shouting] Has the planet gone mad? My brother, passion's hostage. I seek justice - denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Grandma waves Pubert in the air]
Gomez: I have seen horror!
Gomez: I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!
Morticia: They're at camp.
Gomez: I have seen all this, officer. But until today, I had never seen... *you*!
Desk sergeant: Hook him, book him, cook him. *Now*!
Margaret Addams: What.
Debbie Jellinsky: Oh, I didn't say anything.
Margaret Addams: No, that's the baby's nickname, "What." From the obstetrician.
Debbie Jellinsky: FREEZE!
Uncle Fester: Pookie?
Debbie Jellinsky: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.
Uncle Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie Jellinsky: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Uncle Fester: But... but... don't you love me?
Debbie Jellinsky: AH HA HA HA!
Uncle Fester: Is that a no?
Uncle Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester!
Uncle Fester: Gimme a kiss.
Debbie Jellinsky: Gimme a twenty.
Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?
Wednesday: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Don Buckman: Our Amanda's already skipped two grades. How 'bout your boy?
Gomez: [beaming] Probation!
Wednesday: What are you in for?
Joel: I wouldn't go horseback riding.
Wednesday: That's all?
Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday: Why not?
Joel: I just wanted to read.
Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Joel: [he is dressed like Gomez] How do I look?
Uncle Fester: [walking down the hallway, arms full of presents] A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?
Wednesday: Physical pleasure.
Uncle Fester: Ooohhh!
Pugsley: Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?
Uncle Fester: Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, go back to your room!"
Gomez: [to Fester] I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.
Morticia: Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?
Morticia: Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?
Grandma: Well, that's just not true.
Grandma: Not anymore.
Gomez: Cara mia?
Morticia: Marvelous news. I'm going to have a baby. Right now.
Pugsley: It's a boy.
Wednesday: It's a girl.
Uncle Fester: Gomez!
Grandma: What news?
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] It's an Addams!
Debbie Jellinsky: And I dreamed that when I met him that we would wait until our wedding night to give ourselves to one another, to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Uncle Fester: A goat?
Debbie Jellinsky: But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!
Uncle Fester: Store detectives.
Pugsley: [in the Thanksgiving play] I am a turkey. Kill me.
Camp Children: [at Thanksgiving play, singing, dressed as Thanksgiving food] Eat us! Hey, its Thanksgiving Day! Eat us, we make a nice buffet! We lost the race with Farmer Ed, eat us 'cause we're good and dead. White man or red man from east, north or south, chop off our legs, and put 'em in your mouth!
Pugsley: Eat me!
Camp Children: Sautéed or barbecued!
Pugsley: Eat me!
Camp Children: We once were pets but now we're food! We won't stay fresh for very long! So eat us before we finish this song! Eat us before we finish this song!
Morticia: [to Gomez] One house, three children, so many windows.
Uncle Fester: [as they are getting married, Fester tearfully recites his vows] I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my un-ending love.
Uncle Fester: I will worship you forever. I will devote my every waking moment to your happiness alone.
Uncle Fester: Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave.
Debbie Jellinsky: [near indifferent] Nice.
[to Cousin Itt, who acts as minister]
Debbie Jellinsky: Ditto.
Gomez: [to his family] To mirth, to merriment... to manslaughter.
Uncle Fester: It's me, Gomez! I've tried to be someone I'm not. I live in shame... and the suburbs!
Gomez: But you belong to Debbie! You're Debbie's love toy! You are *Mr. Debbie*!
Uncle Fester: I am an Addams!
[Wednesday reads a letter which she is holding in her hand]
Wednesday: "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."
Gary: [impatiently] Glicker, go!
[Joel gives up and flings the arrow at the ground]
Becky: Good try!
[Joel goes to the end of the line, as Pugsley takes the bow, and Wednesday finishes reading]
Wednesday: "When you are grown up and very lonely, you will understand. Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man.
[after Fester walks off the plane, with leis around his neck, he approaches Debbie]
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester?
Uncle Fester: Uh-huh?
Debbie Jellinsky: We may be together for a while.
Uncle Fester: All our lives, cara mia!
Debbie Jellinsky: What?
Uncle Fester: Mon cher.
Debbie Jellinsky: Speak English!
Uncle Fester: Pumpkin?
Debbie Jellinsky: And if I have to be seen with you, we need to make some changes.
Uncle Fester: Changes?
Uncle Fester: Gomez, do you remember what we were like? I hated you!
Gomez: I despised you!
Uncle Fester: I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!
Gomez: I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!
Uncle Fester: When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!
Gomez: You did?
Uncle Fester: [laughs hysterically] Ah, brother!
[Gomez flings him into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty knives conveniently lying on the table, flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughs hysterically through it all, although the last four are done with Gomez's back to him]
Uncle Fester: Children, you see?
Debbie Jellinsky: My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants.
Grandma: What about your needs?
Debbie Jellinsky: "Sorry about dinner, Deb. The Pope has a cold."
[the next slide shows a shadow of an axe on the wall heading towards the Surgeon]
Grandma: An axe! That takes me back.
Debbie Jellinsky: Husband number two. The senator. He loved his state, he loved his country!
Grandma: What about Debbie?
Debbie Jellinsky: "Sorry Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah? Set this!
[the next slide shows car headlights heading towards the Senator in panic]
Debbie Jellinsky: My latest husband, my late husband, Fester.
Uncle Fester: The fool.
Debbie Jellinsky: The corpse. And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me?
[the Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]
Debbie Jellinsky: So I-I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn, and ache, and shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry?
Debbie Jellinsky: Good-bye everybody! Wish me luck!
The Addams Family: Good luck!
Delivery Room Doctor: Nurse, how close are the contractions?
Delivery Nurse: Every fifteen seconds, doctor.
Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? My darling, is it torture?
Morticia: [walking into Pubert's nursery] Oh, Gomez. It's dark, it's depressing, it's desolate.
Gomez: It says, "Toddler".
Morticia: It's a dream.
Gomez: Come, cara mia.
Morticia: [to Gomez, after Pubert shoots a flaming arrow into the ceiling] Did you see that?
Wednesday: Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic.
[Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in half]
Wednesday: Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one.
[Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white dress and bonnet]
Wednesday: [to Pubert] You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?
Pugsley: [holds up Pubert, speaks in "baby voice"] Guilty!
Wednesday: Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block.
[Pugsley lays Pubert down in the guillotine]
Wednesday: 1... 2...
Morticia: [from downstairs] Children, what are you doing?
[She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the blade in his fingers]
Wednesday: Woe to the Republic.
Morticia: [Thing hops on Debbie's shoulder] Thing, stop that.
Gomez: He likes you.
Debbie Jellinsky: [Debbie sucks on Thing's index finger; he shudders and falls off] I'm good with my hands.
Morticia: Good night, Debbie.
Debbie Jellinsky: Good night.
Morticia: Scream if you need anything.
Morticia: [to Debbie] All the important numbers: Police, Fire Department, Morgue.
Debbie Jellinsky: [to Pubert] Hold still, you little brat!
Wednesday: He's not a brat.
Debbie Jellinsky: [whirls around, caught] Of course not. He's an adorable little baby.
Wednesday: Fine. Rub it in!
Uncle Fester: Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible... a miracle!
Gomez: The rash?
Morticia: It's gone?
Uncle Fester: I'm engaged!
[Debbie shows them the ring]
Morticia: That ring!
Gomez: It was our mother's. She was buried with it.
[Debbie holds up a shovel]
Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Look at this. I got 'em. "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series. I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac Guy.
Grandma: Unless Fester comes back, we're talking *dimples*.
Gomez: Not in this house!
Grandma: He could stay this way for years! Forever! He could become... a lawyer.
Gomez: I won't listen!
Grandma: An orthodontist!
Morticia: Mama! Stop!
Gomez: [looking up above] Please! I beg you! Take me!
Morticia: [handing Pubert to Debbie] You've had your shots? Measles, mumps, rabies?
Wednesday: [continuing a ghost story] And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me, so I'll have to prove my power." And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.
[all of the girls scream]
[Morticia is reading "The Cat in the Hat" to Pubert, who has golden curls and rosy cheeks]
Morticia: Are you enjoying this?
Morticia: To think, a child of mine!
[turns the page]
Morticia: "I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny. But we can have lots of good fun... that is funny."
[flipping to the last page]
Morticia: Oh, no. He lives.
Gomez: [opens the window to enjoy the night air, and catches Pubert as he falls from the roof] Cara mia!
Morticia: Oh, dear.
Mrs. Glicker: [regarding Joel dressed as an Indian] Twenty-grand for summer camp and he's Mr. Woo-woo.
Uncle Fester: [talking to Gomez about wanting a relationship with a woman] I... I have *needs*!
Gomez: ...There's Thing!
Debbie Jellinsky: Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.
Morticia: The agency? But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a Doberman.
Lurch: [a Cannonball that Wednesday and Pugsly drop from the roof lands on his head] Grrrrr...
Uncle Fester: [Referring to Thing relieving Fester's "desires"] It's not the same thing, I want legs, a body... a head.
Gomez: TWO legs?
Uncle Fester: [about Debbie] She makes me think of... volatile chemicals.
Gomez: Truly Fester, has it finally happened at long last?
Uncle Fester: I don't know! I think so!
Joel: [Wednesday catches Debbie's wedding bouquet] Now you have to get married.
Wednesday: It's not binding.
Cousin Ophelia: Tramp.
Uncle Fester: I'm making such a mess of things. Gomez! How do you do it? How can I be like you? How can I be... suave?
Gomez: Woo her. Admire her. Make her feel like she's the most sublime creature on Earth.
Morticia: [in a philosophical sighing tone] Our whole family... together at last... three generations... above ground.
Debbie Jellinsky: [shouting from offstage, then suddenly appearing on the scene holding a ridiculous-looking fat-bodied old-fashioned sawed-off shotgun, which she pumps dramatically to chamber a shell] IN-LAWS!
Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.
Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.
Joel: No, you wouldn't.
[kneels at Debbie's grave]
Joel: We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best.
[reaches out to put flowers on the grave; a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]