The Nanny (1993–1999)
C.C.: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.
Niles: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.
C.C.: I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
Niles: You'd have to be dead six months to fit in it.
C.C.: Seriously, Niles, where do you keep all that cash?
Niles: Someplace you'll never get near.
C.C.: Oh, your mattress.
[pointing at Mr. Sheffield]
Max: Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?
Niles: May I speak freely, sir?
Max: Yes, of course old boy.
Niles: [with rising irritation as he speaks, making Max back up] I am so bloody sick of hearing this year after year! 'Niles, what am I to do?', 'I told her I loved her!' 'I took it back!', 'I'm afraid of commitment', 'I'm worried about the children'
Niles: [Max has fallen onto the office couch. Niles hauls him up by the lapels] For God's sake, MAKE A MOVE! DO SOMETHING! YOU PASSED ON 'CATS', DO YOU WANT TO REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TOO?
[lets him fall back onto the couch, stunned]
C.C.: [storms out and meets C.C. in the hall] What's going on in there?
Niles: Oh, I have had it! I am trying to convince him to give up on Miss Fine and move on with his life!
C.C.: [barges into the office] I AGREE WITH NILES! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JUST DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
[Niles walks away smugly]
Niles: How do you do, Tiz Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.
C.C.: I couldn't put a foot out of bed this morning.
Niles: Did someone put a rock on your coffin again?
Mr. Sheffield: Miss Fine, what are you doing here?
Fran: Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured... I should be part of it.
C.C.: Do you know what makes me feel better when I'm sad?
Fran: A fifth of scotch and a pack of batteries?
[Niles is dancing bombastically and singing into his duster. CC enters unexpectedly]
Niles: You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.
[C.C. sees Maxwell's new girlfriend who is just like Fran]
C.C.: Good God. It's multiplying.
Max: Where the devil is C.C.?
Niles: Well, Sir, it is raining outside... maybe she melted?
Niles: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat and Chanel suit?
C.C.: I find it very unseemly of Maxwell to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?
Niles: Die. Let's find out.
[after spraying Maxwell's leather couch]
Niles: I couldn't resist the infomercial, sir. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off!"
[C.C. slips off the chair]
Niles: And voila!
Theme: She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, 'til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes. What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny. So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door. She was there to sell make-up, but the father saw more. She had style! She had flair! She was there. That's how she became the Nanny! Who would have guessed that the girl we've described, was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling-watch out C.C.!-, and the kids are actually smiling-such joie de vivre!-. She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan. The flashy girl from Flushing, the nanny named Fran!
Fran: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment... at all?
C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
Niles: Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm. Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the apocalypse?
[Fran and Sylvia are held hostage by a bank robber]
Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring!
Fran: Ma, he's a thief!
Sylvia: [emphatically] Who'll be worth *millions* in a few minutes.
[Fran has accidentally run over a rabbit]
Max: It's not like rabbits are endangered species. All they do is mate.
Fran: Well, aint that nice. I killed an animal with a better social life than me.
Niles: You know, the next time you give your clothes away, why don't you just stay in them?
C.C.: I'll never get to the airport on time.
Niles: That's true, sir, she needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane.
Max: Oh Niles, what is it this time? Your job, your weight, no future?
Niles: Well, Sir, I was just wondering why I have no social life but you cleared that right up for me.
Nigel Sheffield: I hope you don't mind me telling you one more time just how, how sexy you are.
Fran: Nope, still diggin' it.
[Talking about Fran's new apartment full of homosexual men]
Maggie: Are there a lot of cute guys at your new apartment?
Fran: Oh, yeah, they're walking right out of the closets.
Fran: As appealing as Hepatitis sounds, yellow's just not my color.
C.C.: Me and Max have rented a cottage right by the lake.
Niles: How convenient, Sir, should you choose to drown yourself.
Fran: [referring to C.C] So, Niles... did you let "it" out?
Niles: Yes, and the villagers were not happy.
C.C.: I could kill you... I could throw you down and rip out your heart!
Fran: [to Maxwell] She doesn't have a key to the house, does she?
Max: Niles, we're having company!
Niles: [to Fran] Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me.
C.C.: Oh, it is so pathetic, Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest. I mean kissing is an art, it has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, spontaneous.
[C.C. kisses Niles]
Niles: Was it as bad for you as it was for me?
Fran: What's that?
Niles: It's a script for Mr. Sheffield.
Fran: You didn't write another Seinfeld episode did you? Sweetie... it's over.
C.C.: What is this un-natural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.
C.C.: This isn't a typical night.
Niles: Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters".
Philippe: Hello, Caca.
Philippe: Is this not what C.C. stands for? That is what the butler told me.
C.C.: Let go of me you old...
Niles: All right but I just...
[C.C. walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room - we here a blood curdling scream]
Niles: ... waxed the floor.
Sylvia Fine: I'm having palpitations! QUICK! GET ME MY MEDICINE!
Fran: [running to the fridge and returning with chocolate syrup]
[after Fran's fiancé kisses C.C]
Niles: Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen?
Sylvia Fine: Yetta! These aren't Fran's children! Fran doen't have any children! She's not married, SHE'S ALL ALONE!
Fran: Louder, Ma, I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY!
[Fran and C.C. are trapped in the Sheffield's wine cellar and C.C. is forced to have Fran do her hair and nails]
Fran: [doing a harassed-looking C.C.'s nails] Mint Chocolate Chip, Jamocha Almond Fudge, Pralines and Cream... That's it. That's 30.
Fran: Oh my God, they lied! 30's a lot. Was 31 so catchy? Wait a minute. I forgot the Sherbert. All right. I'll start again. Vanilla...
C.C.: STOP IT!
Max: [Brighton has asked to go to Atlantic City, and has pitted Max and Fran against each other by saying that Max doesn't respect her opinion] I am his father!
Fran: Well, what am I?
Max: You're the nanny!
Fran: [gasps] You called me the "N" word! Did you head that, Niles?
Niles: Do you get the house in the settlement?
Niles: [pops his head out from behind a wall] Every word!
Fran: You shouldn't leave the house with things unresolved. That's why men die young.
Max: That's not why. Because they want to.
Max: [drinking a hangover-remedy] Urgh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for something this repulsive.
Niles: [C.C. enters; Niles walks up to her] Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.
Max: Well, I've made up my mind. I can't risk Margaret spending her entire vacation kissing that boy... I'm sending her abroad.
Fran: A broad? Well, if you wanna swing her that way...
Max: [Fran is standing at the door, waiting for a celebrity she isn't allowed to meet] Miss Fine!
Fran: I'm seeing the children off to school.
Max: They left an hour ago!
Fran: It's a clear day, I can see forever.
C.C.: Well, if Doug is coming over tonight, I better go change!
Niles: [after C.C. leaves] And I thought she had to wait for a full moon...
Fran: I'll fight for all those small, defenseless creatures out there.
Niles: [points at C.C] Exhibit B.
Mr. Sheffield: [yells angrily] MISS FINE!
Niles: [about a tupperware item] You put old bags in it. I'll give it to Mrs. Babcock, she's always wanted an office of her own.
Sylvia Fine: Trust me, there is only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes - Colonel Sanders.
Max: If I found a woman who loved my children, could make me laugh and that I found attractive, well, I'd never let her go.
[puts his arm around Fran's shoulders and gets his watch caught on her]
Fran: Oh, we're stuck on each other.
Fran: You're pretty cocky for a tall, handsome, rich charming guy.
Niles: Good things come to those who wait, unless they wait too long and they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.
C.C.: Maxwell, I'm an important part of this team.
Niles: That's true sir, that couch would be floating all around if she weren't here to weigh it down.
Max: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement.
Niles: [deadpan] Why don't you just walk through downtown Iraq dressed like Uncle Sam. It'll be quicker.
Brighton Sheffield: Yeah, it just so happens that your voice carries.
Fran: To your bedroom?
Brighton Sheffield: To Michigan.
C.C.: [Max is hiring a female to promote him] Maxwell, I want a man!
Niles: The last one deflated when she nibbled at his ear.
C.C.: Why don't you let me carry the tray up to Maxwell? No, I'll do it.
Niles: Fifty dollars. Why don't you just tell me how old you are then I'll let you do it.
Niles: Now was that so hard to admit?
Sylvia Fine: [Sylvia takes a picture of Niles cleaning the windows] Sorry, my girl doesn't do windows. I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin.
Niles: [as if suggesting they make love] Follow me into the kitchen... I'll clean behind the refrigerator.
Fran: [looking for something in her purse] What's this? Oh, it's my shrink's bill... *boy* am I unhappy!
Sylvia Fine: Are you looking for something?
Sylvia Fine: If she's three foot two and not a Jew, she's in there.
[points to bathroom]
[the family is opening wedding presents]
Fran: Box from Tiffany's...
[Fran opens the box and pulls out a blender]
Fran: Blender from Costco...
Sylvia Fine: Major Nelson and Jeannie tied the knot.
Fran: If she had any commitment to that relationship, she would have given up her apartment.
Sylvia Fine: It was a bottle, they kept it on the mantle!
Fran: [about Max's childhood nanny, who is visiting] Meanwhile, she's scaring Gracie to death with those stories about that fat bear who can't even get through the door every time he has a decent meal.
Max: Are you talking about Winnie The Pooh?
Fran: Yeah, him. And who in his right mind would call a boy Winnie, let alone The Pooh?
Max: Most children love those stories!
Fran: Far be it for me to poo-poo the Pooh.
Maggie: Well, Daddy can't you see that Michael is my Cats? Please just don't let me pass on this one.
Max: [after seeing Fran's cousin Ira's impersonation of Cher] Where was the last place HE passed for Cher, SEA WORLD?
Fran: And remember always follow your heart.
Maggie: Well, my heart says I should go back to Sean.
Fran: That's not your heart talking.
[after accidentally baby-napping a child]
Fran: I wonder if I'll ever really be a mother?
Max: Well, there's always the subway.
Fran: No way. Forget it. The next time I bring home a baby it's gonna be after nine months of swollen ankles and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.
[after uncrossing her legs while being interrogated a la Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct"]
Fran: Ah-hah, forget it. You got a better chance of seeing Tonya Harding on a box of Wheaties.
Fran: We begged my mother for a Christmas tree, she called it a Chanukah Bush. P.S., the candles from the Menorah set the flocking on fire, and the fumes put my father into the emergency room.
Niles: Finger sandwich?
Frank Bakley, Jr.: Ewww. What idiot made these?
Niles: I did, and they're made from real little boys.
[last line of the last episode/series]
Yetta: This place is gorgeous. Much better than that place you had in New York.
[trying to insult Mr. Sheffield]
Philippe: Your queen looks like a man.
Fran: Honey, as long as *I* am living under *your* roof you will do as I say.
Max: [to Fran] Have you seen Gracie's Halloween costume? She looks a bit more like a trick than a treat.
Max: [Niles is making Max look bad] Niles, why don't you close the window before your Christmas bonus flies out the window?
Brighton Sheffield: Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor?
Fran: No, you're thinking of Steven Seagal.
Fran: ["analyzing" Corbin Bernsen, the former star of L.A. Law] Well... I can tell you're not a lawyer...
Glen Mitchell: Why can't I be a lawyer?
Fran: Well, not in New York... maybe L.A.
Niles: [to C.C] Why can't you just be happy for me? I'm not used to being called Sir. You're used to it.
Fran: [about Max] What are you listening to him for? He passed on Cats!
Max: It was about a bunch of pussy cats singing in a garbage can. What would you do?
Fran: Two words, Mr. Sheffield: still running.