Season 1, Episode 1: Fashion12 November 1992
P.R. consultant Edina - Eddy - Monsoon wakes up with a hangover - again - but gets no sympathy from sensible student daughter Saffy as she had promised Saffy she would book into a clinic. Eddy is organizing a fashion show later in the day but the celebrities keep dropping out and finally,encouraged by her equally alcoholic friend magazine editor Patsy Stone, Eddy pulls off a successful show by blackmailing stars into taking part. In the evening she gets Patsy to phone Saffy pretending to be from the clinic awaiting Eddy's admission.
Season 1, Episode 2: Fat19 November 1992
Edina has put on weight and has trouble getting into her clothes so she is horrified when her secretary Bubble informs her of a forthcoming visit by pencil slim Penny Caspar-Morse,who once teased her about her weight. She is not keen on Saffy's idea that she takes exercise,the doctor will not give her slimming pills and,after a nightmare,decides against Patsy's suggestion of liposuction. However,when Penny arrives,it seems she has been temporarily blinded,so Eddy will get away with it - or will she?
Season 1, Episode 3: France26 November 1992
Eddy and Patsy are off to France but find themselves staying,not in the expected chateau but a tiny cottage where they feel threatened by an old Frenchman whose language they cannot understand. When Saffy and Bubble arrive,usual air-head Bubble surprises with her perfect French,explaining that he was inviting them to move into the chateau further up the road. A pleasant holiday results though on the return home Customs find a white powder in Patsy's luggage,which turns out to be perfectly harmless - to her annoyance.
Season 1, Episode 4: ISO Tank3 December 1992
Banned from attending Saffron's college open day, Edina sulks in her brand new isolation tank. But she's got a few tricks up her Lacroix sleeves yet.
Season 1, Episode 5: Birthday17 December 1992
On Eddy's fortieth birthday, which she is dreading, Saffy cooks her a special meal but the guests are not the celebrities Eddy had wanted but her mother, her ex-husbands Justin and his boyfriend Oliver and Marshall with his American girlfriend Mo, plus Patsy. Eddy is an ungracious birthday girl, alienating her guests and finally retreating upstairs from the basement kitchen to get stoned with Patsy while her ex-husbands plan to cut off her alimony.
Season 1, Episode 6: Magazine10 December 1992
Patsy has moved in with the Monsoons whilst her flat is being fumigated and Saffy does not find her a welcome guest though Patsy herself is jealous when Eddy gets a date. Patsy finally goes to work but needs a map to find the office where she edits her magazine and on arrival alienates all her models. So she comes up with a plan to give Saffy and Mother make-overs on television but,since Saffy is her natural enemy,she has to win over her with a sob-story about how she was neglected by her own mother,never knew her father and relied on Eddy's mother to give her those little humanising qualities.
Season 2, Episode 1: Hospital27 January 1994
Eddy is in hospital with a sore foot and Patsy has booked in for facial surgery in readiness for a gossip magazine interview about a recent indiscretion. They are both very demanding patients. Whilst under anaesthetic Eddy dreams she is dying and surrounded by a glamorous version of her real family. When she wakes up she finds the pain was caused by an acupuncture needle which went astray whilst Patsy's treatment is a disaster.
Season 2, Episode 2: Death3 February 1994
When Eddy's father dies she is pretty apathetic until it makes her realise her own mortality,so she sets about buying some works of art that she can leave to the nation when she passes on. After Saffy bans her from the funeral she gets drunk with Patsy and the pair of them arrive at the churchyard where they fall into open graves,leaving Mother to explain their behaviour.
Season 2, Episode 3: Morocco10 February 1994
Patsy and Eddy go to Marrakesh in Morocco,accompanied by Saffy,who is on a college project,staying with lecherous 'Uncle' Humphrey,whose advances Saffy rejects. After Eddy has revealed that Patsy once had an unsuccessful sex change here they get robbed and Patsy sells Saffy to white slavers for money. The two older women travel into the desert for the shoot,meeting Saffy whom Eddy convinces they were looking for. Back at the villa Patsy and Eddy get stoned whilst Saffy has a sexual adventure with Humphrey's young local servant.
24 February 1994
Eddy is preparing to host old friend Bettina,a notorious minimalist,and her husband Max, and clears everything out of the house,including Saffy. Patsy is also excluded but when the couple turn up,with their new baby,they fill the house with clutter,annoying Eddy who leaves them and goes into town. When she sees Patsy in a restaurant she cajoles celebrities into pretending they are her friends so Patsy will be jealous but,after Eddy has slept with Max and he and his wife left in a huff,order is restored between the two friends.
Season 2, Episode 5: Poor3 March 1994
In an effort to get Eddy to economise Saffy conspires with the family accountant to lead her to believe she is poor,so she instantly buys a smaller car - an expensive Alpha Romeo. Supermarket shopping for the first time with Patsy she gets tired of waiting and steals a crate of champagne and is later arrested for drunk driving. She and Patsy are arrested and taken to court where they are sentenced to community service in an old people's home.
Season 2, Episode 6: Birth10 March 1994
After Patsy burns down Eddy's kitchen with a cigarette, Eddy has to get the workmen in to redecorate in a Japanese style and cause everybody to use the lounge as their main living room. Saffy, expecting a boyfriend, and Eddy and Patsy are accidentally locked in the room by Mother, and, in anticipation of Saffy's date, Eddy decides to tell her the facts of life, leading to the three women exchanging stories of their births. Eventually the door is unlocked and Eddy finds Saffy's date waiting outside.
30 March 1995
To Saffy's annoyance not only has Eddy forgotten her birthday but has failed to redecorate the kitchen after the fire. Eddy agrees to start work but ends up flying to New York with Patsy on the Concorde in pursuit of a suitable door knob she once saw there. In the event she photographs it but spends the day sight-seeing and getting her navel pierced. On arrival home she fails to notice that Saffy has had the kitchen renovated in her absence.
6 April 1995
Eddy and patsy are about to go out for a New year party when Patsy's older sister Jackie arrives,claiming to be homeless and asking to stay at Eddy's until she can get the money together to start a shelter for stray animals. patsy raids Eddy's belongings in order to get things that Jackie can sell to raise money but,by the time she has finished and shown Jackie out,it is too late to go to the party.
Season 3, Episode 3: Sex20 April 1995
Eddy has not had sex in an age and Patsy decides to remedy the situation by holding an orgy with male escorts but they are not especially enthusiastic so,to get them going,Patsy plays a video of an orgy she and Eddy attended in their youth. Unfortunately it turns out to be the video Saffy had made for her science presentation at the university so Eddy and Patsy rush off to try and prevent her from showing the orgy tape,which has accidentally been switched. They are too late but the film shows that,even when young,Eddy had little appetite for sex and fell asleep with a packet of crisps.
Season 3, Episode 4: Jealous27 April 1995
At a dinner to award the prize to the best P.R. consultant Eddy is not happy when she loses out to rival Claudia Bing,despite having bribed the judging panel,though Bubble pairs up with Claudia's male assistant,Squeak. On returning home Eddy finds Saffy in an amorous situation with Gerard,her tutor,though on discovery that he is married Eddy hits him. At a P.R. meeting Claudia scoffs at Eddy,who has lost her speech,which has been thrown out with the trash. in their efforts to regain it Eddy and Patsy end up on a refuge barge.
Season 3, Episode 5: Fear27 April 1995
Despite their frequent conflicts Eddy feels lost when Saffy moves out to live in college and drinks herself unconscious. When she wakes up she finds Patsy and her colleagues in her kitchen as their magazine has gone bust and Patsy is considering a move to New York for another job offer. Despite the inevitable set-to between Patsy and Saffy when the latter returns for her things, Eddy ends up arguing with Patsy for abandoning her and decides to sell the house.
Season 3, Episode 6: The End11 May 1995
Eddy is living in a commune but failing to fit in,whilst Mother has moved into her empty house and is buying things from the shopping channel with Eddy's credit card. Patsy is having artistic difficulties in New York and sets out to sleep with the publisher but he is elderly and infirm and dies after marrying Bo,Marshall's girlfriend,now his nurse. Whilst Patsy is drinking alone on a roof-top Eddy turns up in a helicopter and they return home. A flash forward twenty five years shows Saffy as a housewife and mother whilst Eddy and Patsy are growing old disgracefully - of course.
6 November 1996
Whilst Paolo,Saffy's sexy but self-centred boyfriend,proposes to her, Eddy and Patsy go on a skiing holiday where they row over the lack of glamorous facilities and their constant dependency on each other - even in a past life they were conjoined twins in a circus. Eddy goes skiing and has a near death experience but God appears to her and tells her that it is not yet her time. Meanwhile Mother goes to the airport with a sign to welcome her visiting friends -'It's Me,Dears' - but in her confusion gets mistaken for a terrorist and is rescued by Bo in a burkha.
7 November 1996
Mother's very hip friends turn up and stay in a camper van in the street but extract electricity from the house. Eddy is unusually supportive of Saffy as the wedding draws near,largely because Paolo's parents are extremely wealthy. When Kalishia,the groom's mother,turns her nose up at Saffy as being not good enough for her son,Patsy changes her mind for her by reminding her that they were once co-stars in a porn film. However,just as the bride and groom are about to exchange vows Eddy has another vision of God,who indicates that the marriage should not take place,and so she calls it off. After Paolo has gone off with the bridesmaid Eddy and Patsy console Saffy but still use her honeymoon trip airline tickets for their own holiday.
Season 4, Episode 1: Parallox31 August 2001
Eddy is due to appear on the Richard and Judy morning chat show and Patsy has just the thing to get rid of her wrinkles - Parallox,a Do-It-Yourself Botox treatment. Whilst Eddy is asleep Patsy injects her face with it but rather overdoes it so that next morning she is paralysed above the neck and has to watch Katy Grin,Bubble's smug cousin,being interviewed in her absence. This is bad news too for Saffy who nearly gets a job working for New Labour until the interviewer decides she should stay at home and feed her invalid mother.
Season 4, Episode 2: Fish Farm7 September 2001
When Saffy hires a handsome young man to do the Monsoons' garden Patsy recognizes him as Jago Balfour,younger brother of a friend of hers,who died of a drug overdose,leaving Jago the family mansion and its grounds. Gold-digging Eddy wastes no time in trying to seduce Jago,only to learn that he had to get rid of his estates to pay the death duties and sold them to rock singer Roger Daltrey to turn into a fish farm.
Season 4, Episode 3: Paris14 September 2001
Patsy gets the chance to relive her days as a model on a photo shoot in Paris with top model Erin O'Connor and Eddy comes along for a mother-and -daughter fashion spread. Since she fails to persuade any glamorous actress to play the daughter Saffy has to do instead but,whilst Patsy gets edged out of the picture by younger models and a demanding photographer Eddy and Saffy,amazingly enough,get on very well. Until Eddy persuades Saffy to do something out of character on top of the Eiffel tower.
Season 4, Episode 4: Donkey21 September 2001
Eddy is worrying about her weight again,seeing herself as the 'donkey' of her social circle,a fact that her bitchy friends endorse,so she goes on a punishing diet and exercise regime which,for different reasons Saffy and Patsy oppose. She even has dreams in which God and the Devil appear to add their own comments but,even though she feels she has shed the pounds she is still regarded as the donkey.Saffy is encouraged to write a play by Taylor,an actor friend seeking to revive his career.
28 September 2001
Encouraged by Taylor Saffy finishes writing her play,'Self-Raising Flower',about her oppressive life with Patsy and Eddy,who do not share the rest of the family's enthusiasm to attend the opening night. Indeed Eddy unsuccessfully tries to get it banned. However she and Patsy cannot resist turning up at the last minute. The play,with Patsy portrayed by a man,is a roaring success but only because people mistakenly believe it to be a comedy and Eddy and Patsy become celebrities as a result. Saffy also gains an admirer in Kasha,the actress playing her on stage.
Season 4, Episode 6: Menopause5 October 2001
After Bubble,who gets sacked as a result, accidentally sends most of Eddy's clients' details to rival Claudia Bing,Claudia poaches them - including Twiggy,who is annoyed because Mother,confusing her with Madonna,has been stalking her. Eventually,through the unlikely intervention of Katy Grin,Eddy ends up back in business but in the meantime is encouraged by Saffy to attend Menopausal Anonymous with Patsy after the latter has been diagnosed with osteoporosis. Eddy is rude and disruptive of course. After the group has dispersed Saffy has a weird dream in which Patsy announces that she is pregnant with Mick Jagger's sperm,which she bought at an auction.
Season 4, Episode 7: Gay27 December 2002
Bubble is now Eddy's maid and Bo and Marshall are running a Christian television station. They inadvertently let Eddy know that her long-lost son Serge is gay and living in New York so,with Patsy,who is heading there for the fashion week,she ends up in the Big Apple. After a visit to GUFF,a gay drop-in centre,they locate Serge but have to pretend to be Lesbians and undergo a civil wedding for their information. However Eddy is disappointed to find that,like Saffy,Serge is a shy,bookish type though she hits it off with his extrovert boyfriend Martin. The quartet 'do' fashion week and visit a bar,which Patsy burns down after dancing on the counter,leading to their arrest. Returning to London Eddy makes up with Saffy but tells her that she has disowned Serge and adopted Martin instead.
Season 5, Episode 1: Cleanin'17 October 2003
Whilst Saffy is away in Africa doing voluntary work Eddy has obtained a posh new bathroom but the rest of the house is a mess. Ex-Spice Girl Emma Bunton,one of Eddy's new clients,comes to visit. She was at school with Saffy and knows she hates untidiness so urges Eddy and Patsy to clean the house,which they do - after a fashion. When Saffy arrives home Eddy thinks she has put on weight but in fact she is pregnant.
24 October 2003
Saffy is visited by an ante-natal midwife who takes a dislike to Eddy, causing her to have nightmares in which the baby - who resembles the midwife - is trying to stab her. Patsy's contribution to the pregnancy is to give Saffy advice on abortions. The elegant 'Plum' arrives for the women's book club but the main topic tends to be celebrity gossip magazines and little is accomplished. However when John, the baby's father, arrives and Eddy sees that he is a black student Saffy met in Africa and is now living in London, she is overjoyed at the notion of being the grandmother to a mixed raced baby.
Season 5, Episode 3: Panickin'31 October 2003
Eddy has installed a panic room in the house in case of burglars but she panics herself when Patsy brings home a demanding Minnie Driver whom she is hoping to dress in a collection of designer clothes and become her stylist. After Patsy wrestles Eddy for a necklace Minnie wants they fall into the panic room and manage to get themselves locked in whilst Minnie makes off with the clothes. After playing Trivial Pursuit with Saffy through the video camera they get out and are surprised to learn they have only been shut in for a short while and not for days.
7 November 2003
Following a promotion for Prince Charles' biscuits Eddy becomes obsessed with the high life and pays thirty thousand pounds for a weekend at a country house for herself and Patsy,though they soon get bored as there is nothing glamorous to do. They decide to go shooting and bag a pheasant but it is still alive and Eddy does not have the heart to kill it so she releases it in Hyde Park. Saffy's college friend Sarah,meanwhile,becomes obsessed with Emma Bunton after they attend Saffy's baby shower and has to be restrained from stalking her.
Season 5, Episode 5: Birthin'14 November 2003
Saffy is preparing for her home birth and Patsy is getting ready for an awards ceremony but Saffy's water breaks all over Patsy's expensive dress, which is further ruined when Mother tries to iron it, thus allowing Katy Grin to gleefully take Patsy's place at the ceremony. When John accidentally causes a power cut Bo and Marshall seize their chance to steal the new-born baby as part of their Christian Adoption scheme to sell children to film stars who don't want to be seen pregnant. However in the confusion they leave with the placenta and Eddy is the proud grand-mother of baby Jane (or Lola, as she would prefer to name her.)
Season 5, Episode 6: Schmoozin'28 November 2003
Eddy is dating Pete,who was a recording engineer at Abbey Road and has some previously unreleased tapes of the Beatles. Eddy gives a party to showcase them - insulting Elton John at the same time - but the result is a disappointment since Patsy accidentally pressed the recording button whilst in the studio so that the Beatles' tracks have been completely wiped and instead all that can be heard is Eddy singing along to them,recorded over them.
Season 5, Episode 7: Exploitin'5 December 2003
After Mother gets banned from the house following the mess when she brought her friends over for a 'Coccoon' spa day in the bathroom,Saffy is without a babysitter whilst she spends the day with John and reluctantly acquiesces when Eddy tells her she wants to be a responsible grandparent and mind Jane (or even Lola) for her. She and Patsy take the baby for a photo shoot at the zoo and almost end up swapping her for a baby chimp. However after a session in the baby-changing toilet Eddy happily brings home her charge - only to discover that it is someone else's child.
24 December 2003
Patsy is angry when Eddy refuses to go away with her for Christmas,preferring to stay at home with the family and ordering a tree so large Patsy gets her hair caught in it. Patsy collapses - due to an unseen hand sticking a pin in an effigy of her - and is rushed to hospital,where at least she can spend Christmas on drugs. Eddy welcomes both her ex-husbands, Justin being quizzed on his sexuality by John and Bo and Marshall promoting their slimming product,and a family Christmas is indeed the order of the day - until the hospital informs Eddy that 'Miss Stone has died'. Thus we discover the identity of her ill-wisher,though patsy herself recovers,only to choke on a piece of turkey back at Eddy's house.
Season 5, Episode 9: White Box25 December 2004
Max and Bettina reappear,now divorced as Max is gay and Bettina has reverted to being a minimalist. She designs a kitchen for Eddy which is so minimal that it is little more than a white box,with even the stairs removed and even Eddy hates it. After she and Patsy pay a visit to designer Terence Conran and his American colleague Kunz,Eddy recalls that she saw her dream kitchen in a previous life and brings in medium Crystalline to regress her so that she can get its details. Saffy returns with Jane but no John as she found out at their African wedding that he had other wives. She does not take kindly to the disruption and,since the house is in her name,evicts Eddy and Patsy who end up camping out in Terence Conran's shop window.
11 March 2005
Eddy and Patsy accompany Emma Bunton to the live comedy charity telethon Comic Relief though Eddy falls out with Emma by suggesting that she should use the occasion for self-publicity and by failing to recognise the event's organizer,meaning that Emma's appearance has to be reschedueled. Eddy is,of course,only too happy to fill the breach and sing a song of her own before she and Patsy,who has wet herself through stage fright,get thrown out.
Season 6, Episode 1: Identity25 December 2011
Fresh out of prison after serving two years for (innocently) providing asylum seekers with false passports Saffy is unusually garlanded as a heroine by Patsy. Until Saffy brings her cell-mate Baron to stay and it turns out that Baron is Patsy's old drug dealer, to whom she owes £50,000 and Baron will not leave until she gets it. Fortunately there is a way out, though it means that Patsy will have to face up to being a pensioner and not thirty-nine, as she has claimed for so long.
Season 6, Episode 2: Job1 January 2012
After Saffy berates her for being lazy and useless Eddy decides to impress her by representing her daughter's favourite French film star,screen legend Jeanne Durand and booking the Albert Hall for Jeanne to give a concert. Unfortunately Jeanne either cannot or will not sing and Bubble has to be brought on board to save the day. Mother and daughter harmony is restored,though the future looks bleak for Jeanne's Carnegie Hall debut.
Season 6, Episode 3: Olympics22 July 2012
Returning from Africa, where she spends half the year with her husband and daughter, Saffy finds that Edina has let the house to film star Michael Douglas for the Olympic Games but has forgotten when they start. Eddy and Patsy - who now needs incontinence pants - doll themselves up for their guest but instead find themselves hosting Marshall,to whom Michael gave his tickets when they met at a sex addiction group,and Bo. However when Marshall drops his tickets for the pre-Olympic party they use them to gate-crash,their gaucherie inevitably getting them thrown out,though they do get to use the stadium. Back home they settle down to watch the games on television with Bubble,Saffy and Mother - who knows something the rest of them do not.
28 October 1998
Much aided by clips from previous shows, Eddy presents her documentary 'A Day in My Life - Moments in the Life of a Woman of Her Time', with a scene filmed at the Help the Aged shop where Mother is a volunteer. Mother cannot be bothered, causing a rueful Eddy to blame her for her unhappy childhood whilst Patsy was also no help at school because she got the boys whilst Eddy just got fat. In fact, some things really don't seem to have changed at all.
6 January 1995
Mother is constant proof of where EdinaÂ's eccentric and SaffyÂ's sensible natures unite.
2 January 2004
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