- Sir Wilfred: [in the form of a raven] When you first used Solomon's locket, you opened a doorway to another universe... Cartagra...
- Mark Loftmore: Cartagra?
- Sir Wilfred: ...the place where the true battle between good and evil is played out for eternity.
- Mark Loftmore: I still don't...
- Sir Wilfred: Let me try putting this in a more earthly way: Sarah and you have actually stumbled into God's Nintendo game, where He and the devil fight it out, using their various Time Warriors as different characters... forever trying to tip that delicate balance one way or another.
- [seeing Mark and Scarabus slash and kill several shopping mall zombies]
- Zombie Killer #1: Who the hell are they?
- Zombie Killer #2: Whoever they are... they're bad!
- George: [Wrestling Sarah to the ground] A kiss at the point of death is more pleasurable than the most intense orgasm imaginable...
- Scarabis: [Sarah has reacted negatively to Scarabis's Master Plan] Does this mean you don't love me anymore?
- Sarah Brightman: You bet it does, brother of mine.
- Scarabis: Well, that does shed a bit of a different light on things. George. Kill the bitch.
- George: Totally.
- Sarah Brightman: To the Looking-Glass world it was Alice that said "I've a sceptre in hand, I've a crown on my head. Let the Looking-Glass creatures, whatever they be Come and dine with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me!
- [Mark (as Douglas) must read a body the burial prayer, quickly]
- John Loftmore: Read directly to the bones... page 210, chapter 13, verse 7.
- Mark Loftmore: Ecapsmi evig nig inglock...
- John Loftmore: Douglas, the book is upside down.
- Baron Von Frankenstein: You slut! And vith Henry Clavell, my best friend!
- Sarah Brightman: Vell perhaps if you spent less time vith that heap of brain-damaged flesh in the basement and more time vith me, I vouldn't have to seek pleasures elsevere! Vould I?
- Baron Von Frankenstein: But vith him!
- Mark Loftmore: Now, just a minute!
- Scarabis: Before I kill you, tell me; from what village does such reckless impetuosity originate?
- Sarah Brightman: America!
- Mark Loftmore: Of course!
- Scarabis: America? Is that North or South of London?
- Mark Loftmore: It's the future!
- Sarah Brightman: Kind of West...
- Scarabis: Well, let us pray no more of your friends venture East!
- Mark Loftmore: You ain't heard nothing yet!
- Mark Loftmore: [Releasing prisoners from Scarabis's Dungeon] Do you guys know how to fight?
- [Prisoners cheer]
- Mark Loftmore: Then let's go kick some butt!
- [Prisoners look puzzled]
- Mark Loftmore: [Realises he has poured vinegar, not water, over the hole the vulture has gored in Roger's chest] Ooh! Sorry!
- Roger: Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound...
- [last lines]
- Press Man: Sarah, now that you're free, what are you going to do now?
- Sarah Brightman: [holds up the timepiece device and smiles] I'm going back.
- Mark Loftmore: [trying to read from the prayer book] Shine forth your... . count to Nancy's?
- John Loftmore: Countenance!