Stay Tuned (1992)
[Roy Knable is about to be executed by the guillotine]
A male spectator: How come he dresses like a woman?
Another male spectator: I do that sometimes.
Executioner: Any last requests?
Roy Knable: Yeah, how about the long version of 'Stairway to Heaven'?
Executioner: I'm afraid zat is not where you are going.
Voice over on one of the HVTV channels: And now the all-new mini-series about the French Revolution... Off With His Head, the story of the Marquis de Knable, an enemy of the people, who tries to escape the guillotine by wearing a disguise. It's an epic drama of love, danger, and cross-dressing.
[Darryl Knable transmits his voice through the HVTV dish to the set of Off With His Head]
Darryl Knable: Dad, can you hear me?
Roy Knable: Darryl? My God!
One of the infidels: God?
Helen Knable: Yes! It's... God!
At the beginning of the closing credits: / HVTV Fall Lineup / Beverly Hills 90666 / I Love Lucifer / The Golden Ghouls / Murder She Likes / Facts Of Life Support / Fresh Prince Of Darkness / Unmarried With Children / David Dukes Of Hazard
[as cartoon mice]
Roy Knable: Boy, this is strange!
Helen Knable: Strange? I'm an animated rodent wearing high-heel running shoes. The word "strange" is somehow lacking.
[as cartoon mice, Helen threatens to leave Roy]
Roy Knable: Where are you going to go, your cartoon mother's house?
[as a cartoon mouse, Roy is trapped in a donut while Robocat is shooting at him]
Roy Knable: My doctor was right. Doughnuts will be the death of me.
Spike: Wait a sec... you don't get it, do you? Without me, you don't get out of here.
Roy Knable: Sorry, Spike, you're cancelled!
Spike: [on the set of HV One (News)] This just in... Helen Knable has been kidnapped and taken to Channel 1. We take you there live.
Helen Knable: [tied to a wagon on railroad tracks] Roy, I don't know where you are, but get your butt back here!
Spike: Unfortunately, her gutless failure of a husband won't lift a finger to save her. Isn't that right, Roy?
Roy Knable: No.
Helen Knable: Dynamite. He's going to hit me with a train AND blow me up? ROY!
Crowley: Nice disguise. Interesting concept. Diagonal boobs. Could you fix that thing?
[Helen and Roy Knable get sucked out of the HVTV dish and land in their backyard - the Knables' neighbor's dog is in their yard]
Roy Knable: Whoever left the gate open is grounded for a week.
[the dog runs toward the Knables and then get sucked into the HVTV dish]
Roy Knable: Check that. Whoever left the gate open gets double their allowance.
[Roy and Helen Knable, as cartoon mice, push a hair dryer towards a water-filled tub to electrocute Robocat]
Helen Knable: [to viewers] Kids, don't try this at home.
Spike: Ew, you're the ugliest bitch in perdition - but you've given me a beautiful idea.
Helen Knable: You sadistic bastard!
Spike: Runs in the family! My father was an oil company president.
[Helen and Roy Knable are sucked into the HVTV dish]
Spike: Fasten your seat belts, folks. It's going to be a bumpy ride! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
[in a wrestling ring]
Ring Announcer: In this corner, Roy "The Couch Potato" Knable and his wife Helen The Heroin!
Wrestling Referee: O.K. everything goes - maim, murder each other, I don't care, but keep it clean. Okay, go to your corners, and when the bell rings, kill or be killed.
[Darryl Knable's cap and BMX bike get sucked into the HVTV dish]
Diane Knable: What are you doing?
Darryl Knable: Did you see that? That dish, it ate my BMX.
Diane Knable: Is this some sort of male puberty thing?
Helen Knable: Let me get this straight. We've been sucked into some kind of TV world?
Roy Knable: Are you saying that that salesman was...
Crowley: Mr. Spike - Mephistopheles of the cathode ray, big brother to the ungrateful dead.
Helen Knable: [to Roy] You wanted to live in a TV fantasy? Well, you got your wish.
Helen Knable: [to Roy] Oh, you'll get us out? Your leadership skills couldn't get us out of a T-shirt!
[a HVTV commercial promoting "The Silencer of the Lambs"; A family's children is singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat too loudly in the car and is bothering the parents]
Silencer of the Lambs: [furious] Oh! These kids are driving me crazy!
Silencer of the Lambs: I wish there was some way to shut them up!
Voice-over in a commercial for Silencer Of The Lambs: For those long, tedious car trips, you need...
[loud clang noise; The kids now have masks and straitjackets on]
Voice-over in a commercial for Silencer Of The Lambs: The Silencer of the Lambs. Driving will never be the same. "The Silencer of the Lambs".
[loud clang noise; The dog has a mask on as well]
Voice-over in a commercial for Silencer Of The Lambs: Silencer of the Pets sold separately.
Crowley: Now, if you excuse me, I'm off to warmer megahertz. Gonna find a channel with sun, funny little drinks with those funny unbrellas, and maybe a dog track.
Crowley: [Crowley checks to see if the wolves took off] All clear.
[a wolf then jumps from the roop onto Crowley and a couple more stars biting him; Crowley yells and screams]
Crowley: [Screaming] I'm already dead! Save her!
[Helen and Roy Knable, are cornered by one of the wolves]
Roy Knable: Jump.
Helen Knable: Jump?
Roy Knable: Wherever it leads can't be any worse than this! Go!
[Helen jumps into that conduit. Roy tries to jump there as well, but he doesn't fit through that hole. He makes that hole bigger, and wolves approach him. Roy finally falls through that conduit before the wolves could get him]
Roy Knable: [falling] Yeow!
[Roy lands in a cartoon, as a cartoon mouse]
Roy Knable: Umph!
Helen Knable: [also as a cartoon mouse] Couldn't be any worse, huh, Roy?
Roy Knable: Helen? Oh, my god!
[he looks at and holds up his tail]
Roy Knable: We're cartoons.
Helen Knable: How can you even think of eating doughnuts at a time like this?
Roy Knable: What should I do, look for some oat bran? I'm starved.
[Roy and Helen Knable are cartoon mice]
Roy Knable: For a mouse, you, um, look pretty sexy.
Helen Knable: Too bad you didn't like the way I looked when I was human.
Roy Knable: I always did.
Helen Knable: News to me.
TV Announcer: How did James Dean really die? Find out tonight on Autopsies Of The Rich And Famous.
TV Announcer: Welcome to Northern Overexposure, the story of a young doctor from New York who comes to Alaska, complains about everything, and freezes to death.
[the inside of a prison is shown on an HVTV channel]
'30 Something to Life' Announcer: Coming this fall... Thirty-Something-To-Life.
[in a cartoon]
Roy Knable: [to Helen Knable] At least we're safe here. No one ever dies in cartoons, right?
[Robocat covers up a conduit with a metal plate]
Roy Knable: This is one clever pussy.
[Roy Knable, as a cartoon mouse, has an idea of handling Robocat]
Roy Knable: This will put a permanent crease in his shorts.
[the doorbell chimes]
Robocat: Identify yourself.
Voice from the door: Catnip-gram.
[Roy Knable, as a cartoon mouse, is about to leave the cartoon through a conduit]
Roy Knable: [to viewers] Deeb-a-deeb-a-deeb - that's all folks.
TV Announcer: It's My Three Sons Of Bitches.
[on the set of Duane's Underworld, a segment of Saturday Nite Dead]
Duane: All right. Welcome to Duane's Underworld, O Father of Lies. I'm your excrement host Duane, and with me as always is my only slightly decaying co-host Garf.
Garf: [lifting up his right armpit] Wifto!
Duane: All right. Now, I understand you're searching for your lovely wife Helen... who I truly believe you will find, because good always conquers over evil...
[Duane and Garf look at Helen Knable in a Devil Dolls magazine]
Garf: She's a vixen, Mr. K.
Duane: Beezle-babe! Tent pole!
[Roy Knable escapes from the set of Duane's Underworld]
[Roy Knable is in a black-and-white detective movie]
Roy Knable: [while Roy reads his card] Roy Knable, private dick. Well, better than being a public dick.
The Exorcisist instructor: Cool down. Shake it out. O.K., now vomit.
[a boy finishes a can of Yogi Beer and then burps loudly]
Yogi Beer boy: [to his mother] Give me another one, babe.
His father: That's my boy.
Diane Knable: [to Darryl] You're pizza topping!
Darryl Knable: Wait. Mom and Dad are here.
Diane Knable: They're home?
Darryl Knable: Well, not exactly.
[he points to the TV set]
Darryl Knable: Look.
[Roy Knable is on TV as a detective]
Helen Knable: Where's my husband?
Murray Seidenbaum: What are you worried about him for? I ditched my wife five channels ago. She happened to meet the business end of a fifty-ton reptile. And I can tell you, I don't exactly miss dried meat loaf.
[Murray Seidenbaum gets shot. Roy Knable approaches him]
Murray Seidenbaum: [to Roy, just before dying] All I wanted was to be the big shot for once. Take my remote.
Voice over on one of the HVTV channels: The next item we have for you on the Home Shoplifting Channel...
Voice over on one of the HVTV channels: Stay tuned for the final chapter of Off With His Head, when the Marquis de Knable finally loses his.
[Hooded men are about to carry Roy Knable to the guillotine]
Roy Knable: Hi, fellas, I loved you in Star Wars.
[Roy Knable was freed from the guillotine, and Crowley was (still) missing one of his arms and one of his legs]
Crowley: [to Helen and Roy Knable] We did it! We beat Spike! Oh, I would have given an arm and a leg to see this! In fact, I already did!
[two French revolutionary soldiers approach Helen and Roy Knable]
One of those soldiers: You are both under arrest!
Helen Knable: For what?
The other of those soldiers: For being too beautiful and without proper escort.
[Spike arrives on the set of Off With His Head and notices that Crowley was missing one of his arms and one of his legs]
Spike: Crowley. Quite a radical weight-loss plan you've been on.
[Roy Knable is about to go back into HVTV to rescue Helen Knable]
Roy Knable: [to Diane and Darryl Knable] Now I want you both to stay inside. You just make sure those doughnuts are ready. I'm going to be very hungry when I get back.
[Roy Knable arrives at Channel 1. As he approaches Helen Knable to save her, Spike steps in the way]
Spike: [to Roy] Back to play the hero, huh?
[Roy Knable and Spike are about to have a showdown]
Spike: Make your move, tinhorn.
[They stare at each other for quite a few seconds]
Helen Knable: [still tied to a wagon on railroad tracks and to be hit by a train eventually] Today, Roy!
[Roy Knable arrives inside a castle]
Spike: My, my. Now you'll never get back to Kansas.
[Roy looks behind him and sees that his remote is shattered into pieces]
Spike: [raising his sword] En garde.
[Roy gets a wooden stick]
Spike: Oh, no sword. Have to talk to that prop man.
[breaks the stick]
Spike: Right about now, your wife is probably catching that train... right between the eyes. And you let it happen.
Darryl Knable: [hurling one of Roy's swords towards the HVTV dish] Here it comes, Dad!
[the sword gets sucked in the dish]
Spike: I've taken loads of souls... and none more pathetic than yours, Roy. Say good night, Gracie.
Roy Knable: [catching his sword tossed by Darryl] Not yet.
[he starts dueling with Spike]
Roy Knable: You see, I was captain of my junior college fencing team. All right. Co-captain.
[Helen Knable and Roy Knable, who in turn is holding a remote, are about to get hit by a train]
Helen Knable: Roy, what do you do when you want the TV to go away? You turn it...
[Spike is on a chandelier]
Crowley: Oh, incidentally, Spike, nice of you to drop in. Ha ha ha ha... Ah... that's funny.
[He hacks, with his axe, the rope that holds up the chandelier, and Spike falls]
Pierce: I get his parking space.
[At Knable Fencing Academy, Roy Knable and one of his students practice fencing with each other]
Roy Knable: Who on earth taught you that?
That student: Uh, I saw it on TV somewhere. Some old movie.
Roy Knable: Take my advice, kiddo. Don't watch too much TV. It can get you into trouble.
Ring Announcer: [before a wrestling match gets started] No holds barred. No transfusions allowed.
Old Man #1: I've lost the feeling in my arm.
Old Man #2: All of a sudden, I can't see anything.
TV Announcer: Sundays at 8:00... Different Strokes.
Jay: ...And, of course, win or lose, every contestant takes home a set of the Encyclopedia Satanica.
French Soldier: I would have given you chocolates.
Executioner: [reading the death sentence] By order of the court...
Crowley: Looks like Spike's gonna make his quota after all. I'm sorry, Mrs. Knable.
Executioner: ...I deliver the soul of the Marquis de Knable to it's RIGHTFUL OWNER!
Spike: Finally, he's mine!
One of those soldiers: Mon cherie, you inflame me.
Roy Knable: [in a woman's voice] I never kiss on the first date.
One of those soldiers: Eh?
Roy Knable: Naughty boy.
[hits the solder in the chest]
Helen Knable: This has been a kick fellas, but we gotta go.
The other of those soldiers: No, No! Come back here, sweetheart.
Roy Knable: [Woman's voice] Hey you keep your hands off her!
One of those soldiers: [Noticing Roy's fake wig] You hair is so beautiful. May I have a lock of it?
Roy Knable: [Solder pulls wig off Roy; Roy gasps] Why don't you keep the whole thing?
Crowley: [to Pierce] Trust me, Babe, you walked into the right place. Very cushy down here. I mean, you can cool your heels in here for the rest of eternity *if* you kiss the right ass. And let me tell ya', these lips ain't calloused for nothing.
[Roy Knable, played by John Ritter, arrives on the set of Three's Company. The theme from Three's Company is being played, and Janet and Crissy open the door and enter the set]
Roy Knable: [looking towards the camera] Aaaaaahhhh!