The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Fozziwig: My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."
Jacob Marley: That was the speech?
Robert Marley: It was dumb!
Jacob Marley: It was obvious!
Robert Marley: It was pointless!
Jacob Marley: It was... short!
[turns to Robert]
Rizzo the Rat: Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food."
Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.
Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.
Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!
[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]
Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...
[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]
Rizzo the Rat: What?
Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...
Gonzo: You are such an idiot.
Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...
Sam the Eagle: Tomorrow, you become a man of business!
Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.
Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers] Sam...
[whispers in Sam's ear]
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!
Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.
Rizzo the Rat: Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?
Gonzo: Nah, it's all right. This is culture!
[an urchin steals a talking vegetable]
Vegetable: Hey, I'm being stolen! Hey, help me! Help me!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.
Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
Kermit the Frog: Pardon?
Jacob Marley: Why do you doubt your senses?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can effect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more gravy than of grave about you.
Robert Marley: More gravy than of grave?
Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun. Where do you get those jokes?
Robert Marley: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.
Robert Marley: We were always heckling you.
Jacob Marley: It's good to be heckling again.
Robert Marley: It's good to be doing anything again.
Rizzo the Rat: [a nearby clock strikes the hour] Oh, what was that?
Gonzo: Two o'clock.
Rizzo the Rat: Is it too early for breakfast?
Rizzo the Rat: Oh good, suppertime!
Vegetables: If he became a flavor you can bet he would be sour. Yuck!
Muppet Man: Even the vegetables don't like him!
Sam the Eagle: Work hard, lad, and one day, your life will be as solid as this very building!
[the shelf collapses behind him]
Sam the Eagle: Huh. I've been meaning to fix that shelf!
Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.
Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!
Gonzo: I am too!
Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?
Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!
Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!
Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?
Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!
Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!
Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...
Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!
Ebenezer Scrooge: [in the graveyard] Must we return to this place? There is something else that I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others?
[the spirit points to a headstone, Scrooge begins moving toward it, then turns back, frightened]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only?
[the spirit points again at the gravestone, Scrooge slowly approaches it]
Ebenezer Scrooge: These events can be changed! A life can be made right.
[he clears the snow from the stone and reads]
Ebenezer Scrooge: [in tears] Ebenezer Scrooge! Oh please Spirit, no! Hear me, I, I am not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I am past all hope?...
Ebenezer Scrooge: I, I *will* honor Christmas, and try to keep it all the year! I will live my life in the past, the present and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me! Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone!
[kneeling, clutching at the spirit's robe]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh Spirit, please speak to me!
[Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London]
Gonzo: [Thrilled] Hello, London!
Rizzo the Rat: [Scared] Goodbye, lunch!
Gonzo: Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.
Rizzo the Rat: Yuck!
Gonzo: [whispering] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.
Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering?
Gonzo: It's for dramatic emphasis.
Ebenezer Scrooge: What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.
Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.
Rizzo the Rat: He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!
Ebenezer Scrooge: If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Christmas is a very busy time for us, Mr. Cratchit. People preparing feasts, giving parties, spending the mortgage money on frivolities. One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money-lenders.
[Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come]
Rizzo the Rat: Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I wanna see any more!
Gonzo: When you're right, you're right.
[turning to face the audience]
Gonzo: You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale!
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah!
Gonzo: He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...
[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]
Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!
Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!
[Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]
Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastically] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!
Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.
Rizzo the Rat: I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!
Gonzo: You have all the fun!
Ebenezer Scrooge: I don't think I've ever met anybody like you before.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Really? Over 1800 of my brothers have come before me!
Ebenezer Scrooge: 1800? Imagine the grocery bills!
Kermit the Frog: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us.
Rizzo the Rat: Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?
Gonzo: [gets up] To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.
Rizzo the Rat: He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. You may gift wrap them.
[Scrooge has thrown Mr Applegate out of the office]
Mr Applegate: Thank you for not shouting at me!
Ebenezer Scrooge: I do not make merry at Christmas...
Fred: That is certainly true.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And I cannot afford to make other people merry.
Fred: That is certainly *not* true!
Rizzo the Rat: [falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo] Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!
Gonzo: I knew you weren't suited for literature.
Mrs. Dilber: I've got his blankets.
Old Joe: Ah, his blankets... Why, Mrs. Dilber, they're still warm! I don't pay extra for the warmth, you know.
Mrs. Dilber: You should. It's the only warmth he ever had.
Ebenezer Scrooge: This is Bob Crachit's house?
Ghost of Christmas Present: How do you know that?
Ebenezer Scrooge: You just told me.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Well, I'm *usually* trustworthy.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.
Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog: Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats: No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary?
Kermit the Frog: Why, uh... The whole day.
Rats: Yeah, yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: The *entire* day?
Rats: No, no. That's the frog's idea...
Ebenezer Scrooge: Spirit, show me no more. Why do you delight in torturing me?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I told you, these are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Leave Me!
Belle: [as they sit together] Another year before our wedding, Ebenezer.
Young Scrooge: Well, it can't be helped, Belle. How could we marry now? There's not even enough for a decent home. The investments haven't grown as they should.
Belle: So you said last year.
Young Scrooge: Business continues to be poor.
Belle: You're a partner in your own firm now.
Young Scrooge: And barely clearing expenses.
Belle: You said the partnership was the goal.
Young Scrooge: This is for you.
[turns to Belle]
Young Scrooge: I love you, Belle.
Belle: You did once.
Robert Marley: You will be haunted by three spirits.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Haunted? I've already had enough of that.
Jacob Marley: Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.
Robert Marley: Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?
Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!
Gonzo: Oh! My apologies! Um...
[Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]
Rizzo the Rat: What?
["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]
Fozziwig: At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech.
Jacob Marley: And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap!
Ebenezer Scrooge: You're a little absent-minded, spirit.
Ghost of Christmas Present: No, I'm a LARGE absent-minded spirit!
Ebenezer Scrooge: What business has brought you here?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Your welfare.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Heh, a night's unbroken rest might aid my welfare.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Your salvation, then.
Ghost of Christmas Past: There was of course, another Christmas Eve with this young woman. Some years later.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh please... do not show me that Christmas.
Rizzo the Rat: Rats don't understand these things.
Gonzo: You were never a lonely child?
Rizzo the Rat: I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.
Gonzo: Boy! Rats don't understand these things!
Gonzo: It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve and Scrooge was conscious of a thousand odors, each one connected with a thousand thoughts and hopes and joys and cares long, long forgotten.
[Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom]
Rizzo the Rat: [looking around] Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?
Gonzo: Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?
Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.
[Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge]
Kermit the Frog: If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.
Ebenezer Scrooge: [Having just watched the Cratchits mourning Tiny Tim, addresses the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come] Oh, spirit, must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene?
Ebenezer Scrooge: How can we endure it?
Rizzo the Rat: How do you know what Scrooge is doin'? We're down here and he's up there!
Gonzo: I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!
Rizzo the Rat: Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.
Gonzo: To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.
[the lamps come on]
Rizzo the Rat: How *does* he do that?
Gonzo: Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.
Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Let us see another Christmas in this place.
Ebenezer Scrooge: They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed.
Ghost of Christmas Past: You changed.
Fozziwig: Belle, you know, I love these annual Christmas parties. I love 'em so much, I think we'll do it twice a year!
Young Scrooge: [brushing past Belle and Fozziwig] Excuse me.
[he sees Belle and is instantly attracted]
Young Scrooge: Oh... Excuse me.
Fozziwig: Oh, Master Scrooge! Belle, I'd like you to meet Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge... the finest young financial mind in the city! Ebenezer, this is Belle! A friend of the Fozziwig family.
Belle: I'm pleased to meet you.
[she offers her hand, Scrooge kisses it]
Fozziwig: Well, I'm glad you two finally met.
Robert Marley: Look, it's Ebeneezer Scrooge!
Jacob Marley: Looking older and more wicked than ever.
Robert Marley: I knew he wouldn't disappoint us!
Ebenezer Scrooge: What an employer he was. As hard and ruthless as a rose petal!
Lew Zealand: Boomerang fish! Guaranteed fresh! Throw the fish A-WAY... and it comes back to me! Get 'em while they're fresh!