Mr. Baseball (1992)
Jack Elliot: I don't believe this. What's next? Somebody going to tell me how to take a crap?
[walks into the bathroom]
Jack Elliot: Hey Max!
Max 'Hammer' Dubois: Yeah, what!
Jack Elliot: I need someone to tell me how to take a crap.
Jack Eliot: I'm a World Series MVP!
Skip: That was four years ago, Jack.
Trey: You hit .235 Last season.
Jack Eliot: LAST SEASON, I led this team in ninth-inning doubles in the month of August!
Hiroko Uchiyama: Something very definite. Definite that Baseball and Jack always come before Hiroko and Jack.
Max 'Hammer' Dubois: Max Dubois. Around here they call me Hammer. Don't ask me why.
Jack Elliot: Jack Elliot.
Max 'Hammer' Dubois: Yeah. I know who you are. I've been in Japan, not dead.
[Jack is unfamiliar with the word 'gaijin']
Max 'Hammer' Dubois: It's like being a black guy back home. Only there's less of us.
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: You rang, Mr. Baseball?
Jack Elliot: Yeah, I rang, Mr. Wise-Ass!
[Jack is forcefully dragging Yoji through his apartment]
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: Elliot-San, Elliot-San. I don't understand.
Jack Elliot: Understand THIS!
[Jack thrusts a newspaper at him, then shows his Japanese Phrasebook]
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: You see, all wisecracks you're making make you seem disrespectable. I just do this for you to save face. Besides, press writes their own story anyway.
Jack Elliot: I'LL deal with the Press! And I'll take care of my own face, YOU just translate what comes out of it! You got me?
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: [dejected] Hai.
Jack Elliot: Hai? Hai as in Yes, or Hai as in "I heard what you said but I'm not gonna do a goddamn thing about it!" That's right, Yoj! Gaijin catching on!
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: Hai. Yes.
[Jack just found out that Uchiyama is fluent in English]
Uchiyama: I am the Japanese manager for Japanese baseball team that you agreed to play for. It is your duty to learn my ways, not the other way around!
Jack Elliot: [to Hiroko] Different language, same attitude! Let's go!
Jack Elliot: Japanese way, 'Shut up and Take it'!
Hiroko Uchiyama: Jack's way, 'ME, ME, ME'! Sometimes acceptance and cooperation are strengths also.
Jack Elliot: C'mon, it ain't over till the fat lady sings!
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: [subtitle as he translates to the team] When the game is over, a fat lady will sing to us!
Uchiyama: But we are losing!
Jack Eliot: We're BEHIND. BIG difference.
Jack Elliot: Just let them have a little fun.
Uchiyama: Baseball is work. Not fun.
Jack Elliot: Baseball is grown men getting paid to play a game. When you were a kid, I bet you didn't pick up a bat and ball because you were dying to work. A player's career is short enough. Let them enjoy it.
Jack Elliot: [addressing a crowd of Japanese fans] Any of you guys speak Americano? Jack Elliot here bringing you the best in Major League thrills for the fellas, and free moustache rides for the ladies.
Hiroko Uchiyama: I have seen 'free moustache rides' offered on T-Shirts in America. Always by guys you would not want to ride with.
[during Jack's first game in Japan]
Jack Elliot: [to an opposing Japanese player] Got any naked pictures of your wife?... Wanna see some?
[player ignores him and is able to avoid being "out"ed in a pick-off move]
Jack Elliot: Never mind.
[during the final game]
Jack Elliot: You got any naked pictures of your wife?
Billy Stevens: No, but I got some of yours.
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: [at a press conference] She wants to know what you think of our country?
Jack Elliot: [Jack just arrived in Japan an hour ago] Already?
Jack Elliot: Well, the airport's nice. I guess. And there's lots of little people walking and talking very fast.
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: [in Japanese] Architecture beautiful. Society on cutting edge of progress.
[reporter asks a question]
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: She wants to know why you have chosen to play in Japan.
Jack Elliot: Let's just say I had a yen to play here.
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: [in Japanese] Mr. Elliot would gladly pay for honor of playing in Japan.
[reading the local newspaper to Jack]
Rick: When asked his impression of his new manager, Elliot replied "I have much to learn from Uchiyama-San and will gladly strive to shed all my old, disgusting ways of laziness and become my best under his guidance." Very harmonious of you, Jack.
Jack Elliot: Baseball is a game, and games are supposed to be fun.
[Jack has just arrived in Japan]
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: Welsome, Jack Elliot. I am Yoji Nishimura. Arriving refreshed?
Jack Elliot: Arriving drunk and dead tired.
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: Excellent! Places to go, people to meet!
Jack Elliot: You know, Mookee.
Ryoh Mukai: Mukai!
Jack Elliot: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ryoh Mukai: [in Japanese] White trash!
Jack Elliot: [Yoji is struggling to translate] You know one of duties of being a Captain, and you're a *fine* Captain, don't get me wrong, one of the duties is to get the team you know... UP. You know, take their minds off their troubles and let them know that it's OK for them to... loosen up a little.
[Mukai screams and runs to put out his burning shoelaces]
Ryoh Mukai: [in Japanese] What the hell are you thinking of?
Max 'Hammer' Dubois: [after a major brawl which saw Jack decking Yoji] Haven't you heard a word I said! You're REALLY pissing me off! Now just take your base, and GET WITH THE PROGRAM!
Jack Elliot: YOU TOO, huh, Max?
Max 'Hammer' Dubois: You know the one thing I DIDN'T miss about playing in the States, was putting up with HOTSHOTS like you! NOW I don't even have THAT anymore!
[up in the President's office]
Takuya Nishikawa: [to Uchiyama, in Japanese] Suspend Elliot indefinitely! And consider yourself OUT, as soon as a replacement is found! You have brought DISHONOR to team!
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: Jack-San. If you want Yoji's advice about the babes, you come to Yoji with... RESPECT!
Jack Elliot: Hai!
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: Hai? As in Yes?
Jack Elliot: Hai as in Yes.
Yoji Nishimura, Jack's Interpreter: Hmmmmm. Yes.
[Jack has been chatting with an opposing American player]
Rick: Yeah, by the way, we're doing a pick-off move...
[Jack barely avoids being outed]
Rick: Mr. Baseball too fast.
Jack Elliot: [sarcastically] Thanks.