Legend of the Roller Blade Seven (1992)

User Rating:

1.6/10   

Director:

Donald G. Jackson

Writers:

Donald G. Jackson (writer)
Scott Shaw (writer)

Genre:

Action | Sci-Fi

Plot:

In a post-apocalyptic world where rollerblading is the chief means of travel, the evil Pharoah sends...

Plot Keywords:

Rollerblading | Cult Favorite | Sequel | Inline Skating | Spoof

Cast

Scott Shaw	...	Hawk
Frank Stallone	...	The Black Knight
Karen Black	...	Tarot
Don Stroud	...	Kabuki Devil
Joe Estevez	...	Saint O'ffender
William Smith	...	Pharoah
Rhonda Shear	...	Officer Daryl Skates
rest of cast listed alphabetically:
Michelle Bellaman	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Ani Bilesky	...	Hawk's Bride
Elisa Chang	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Allison Chase	...	Stella Speed
Liselotte Christiansen	...	Hawk's Bride
Joe Coolness	...	Axxx Man
Angela Dobson	...	An O'ffenderette
Paula Eckert	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Roger Ellis	...	Stealth / M.O.L. Security
Bobby Joe Freeman	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Elizabeth Gardner	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Walter Harrison	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Lisa Hasha	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Chanel Akiko Hirai	...	Teri Ahki
Linda Holdahl	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Donald G. Jackson	...	Father Donaldo
Zona Jaguar	...	Onibaba / Wheelzone Warrior
Selina Jayne	...	Spirit Guide
Jill Kelly	...	A Deserette (as Adrianne Moore)
Kenneth H. Kim	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Paula Mead	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Daniel Millner	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Madison Monk	...	Himself
Michelle Murphy	...	An O'ffenderette
Greg O'Neill	...	Conga Man (voice)
Carla Procopio	...	An O'ffenderette
Mark Richardson	...	Chopper
The Ripper	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Rockin' Ron	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Wells Rosales	...	Wheelzone Warrior (as Cronwell Rosales)
Claudia Scholtz	...	Wheelzone Warrior
David Skinner	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Diana C. Skinner	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Little Steve	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Lorie B. Surratt	...	A Deserette
Tyrone Tann	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Dori Valleroy	...	Wheelzone Warrior
Gary Young	...	Wheelzone Warrior

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Filming Locations:

Los Angeles, California, USA

Trivia:

Based on two books by author Scott Shaw.

Movie Connections:

Edited from The Roller Blade Seven (1991)

Why, God?

I saw the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life over the weekend.

I know people use "worst ever" all the time and don't literally mean it, but I just want to say I'm being completely serious.

Legend of the Rollerblade Seven.

NOTHING about this movie makes sense. The narrator is, apparently, a fat guy playing bongos while two bondage geared strippers writhe around in front of him, in the middle of some desert. Everyone else spends their time rolling around aimlessly in drainage ditches. Occasionally it will cut to some insane guy in a wheel chair (strangely, the best actor in the movie) who goes on unintelligible rants where he says things like "I want to get on a skateboard ... and fly away" and basically just repeats himself over and over for 5 minutes at a time. People also have a fondness for randomly teleporting around, dying and coming back to life without explanation, and having entire scenes where no one is actually speaking but the voices are dubbed over (I guess they're supposed to be communicating telepathically, but why? WHY?), etc.

There are a few cherished moments that made me cry with laughter. I would say that the song at the end is worth the purchase or rental of this movie alone; I pretty much couldn't breathe and was kicking feebly in the air as I rolled around with tears streaming down my face. The rest of the film, however, is just excruciating.

If you have the means to acquire this movie, I would suggest you do it, because if you can make it through this, you will be be fully mentally and physically prepared for any traumatic events to occur for the rest of your life.