A League of Their Own (1992)
Maida Gillespie: Careers and higher education are leading to the masculinization of women, with enormously dangerous consequences to the home, the children, and our country. When our boys come home from war, what kind of girls will they be coming home to? And now the most disgusting example of this sexual confusion: Mr. Walter Harvey of Harvey bars is presenting us with women's baseball. Right here in Chicago, young girls plucked from their families are gathered at Harvey Field, to see which one of them can be the most masculine. Mr. Harvey, like your candy bars, you're completely... nuts.
Jimmy Dugan: Evelyn, could you come here, you got a second? Which team do you play for?
Evelyn Gardner: Well, I'm a Peach.
Jimmy Dugan: Well I was just wonderin' why you would throw home when we got a two-run lead. You let the tying run get on second base and we lost the lead because of you. Start using your head. That's the lump that's three feet above your ass.
[Evelyn starts to cry]
Jimmy Dugan: Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!
Doris Murphy: Why don't you give her a break, Jimmy...
Jimmy Dugan: Oh, you zip it, Doris! Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry?
Evelyn Gardner: No, no, no.
Jimmy Dugan: Yeah! NO. And do you know why?
Evelyn Gardner: No...
Jimmy Dugan: Because there's no crying in baseball. THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! No crying!
Jimmy Dugan: Taking a little day trip?
Dottie Hinson: No, Bob and I are driving home. To Oregon.
Jimmy Dugan: [long pause] You know, I really thought you were a ballplayer.
Dottie Hinson: Well, you were wrong.
Jimmy Dugan: Was I?
Dottie Hinson: Yeah. It is only a game, Jimmy. It's only a game, and, and, I don't need this. I have Bob; I don't need this. At all.
Jimmy Dugan: I, I gave away five years at the end my career, drinking. Five years. And now there isn't anything I wouldn't give to get back any one day of it.
Dottie Hinson: Well, we're different.
Jimmy Dugan: This is chickenshit, Dottie, if you want to go back to Oregon and make a hundred babies, great, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live. But sneaking out like this, quitting, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Baseball is what gets inside you. It's what lights you up, you can't deny that.
Dottie Hinson: It just got too hard.
Jimmy Dugan: It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great.
Dottie Hinson: Lay off the high ones!
Kit Keller: I like the high ones!
Dottie Hinson: Mule!
Kit Keller: Nag!
Ira Lowenstein: Great game, Jimmy. I especially liked that move in the seventh inning when you scratched your balls for an hour.
Jimmy Dugan: Well, anything worth doing is worth doing right.
Rockford Peaches: Batter up, hear that call. The time has come for one and all... to play ball. We're the members of the All American League. We come from cities near and far. We've got Canadians, Irish ones, & Swedes. We're all for one, we're one for all, we're all American. Each girl stands, her head so proudly high. Her motto "Do or Die". She's not the one to use or need an alibi. Our chaperones are not too soft; they're not too tough. Our managers are on the ball. We've got a President who really knows his stuff. We're all for one, we're one for all, we're all American.
Helen Haley: Has anybody seen my new red hat?
Dottie Hinson: Oh piss on your hat.
Helen Haley: That was uncalled for.
Mae Mordabito: Evelyn. Evelyn. I'm sorry but I have to kill your son.
[begins to chase Stillwell with a bat]
Doris Murphy: Mae! Mae! Don't use my bat! Use Marla's. It's heavier.
Jimmy Dugan: Has anyone ever told you that you look like a penis with that little hat on?
[Ernie sees Dottie and Kit vigorously milking cows]
Ernie Capadino: Ow. Doesn't that hurt them?
Dottie Hinson: Doesn't seem to.
Ernie Capadino: Well, that would bruise the hell out of me.
Dottie Hinson: Who ARE you?
Ernie Capadino: I'm Ernie Capadino. I'm a baseball scout. I saw you playing today. Not bad, not bad. You ever heard of Walter Harvey, makes Harvey bars - you know, the candy?
Dottie Hinson: Yeah. We feed them to the cows when they're constipated.
Ernie Capadino: That's the guy. He's starting a girls' baseball league, so he can make a buck while the boys are overseas. Wanna play?
Dottie Hinson: Huh?
Ernie Capadino: Nice retort. Tryouts are in Chicago. It's a real league, professional.
Kit Keller: Professional - baseball?
Ernie Capadino: Mmm-hmm. They'll pay you 75 dollars a week.
Kit Keller: We only make 30 at the dairy.
Ernie Capadino: Well then, this would be more, wouldn't it?
Kit Keller: You ever hear Dad introduce us to people? "This is our daughter Dottie, and this is our other daughter, Dottie's sister." Should've just had you and bought a dog!
Ernie Capadino: Hey cowgirls, see the grass? Don't eat it.
Dollbody Kid: What's your rush, dollbody? What do you say we slip in the back seat, and make a man out of me?
Dottie Hinson: What do you say I smack you around for a while?
Dollbody Kid: Can't we do both?
Older Stilwell: Hi, Dottie. You remember? "You're gonna lose!"
Older Dottie: Stillwell, angel! My goodness! Where's your mom?
Older Stilwell: Mom died... a few years ago.
Older Dottie: Oh, I'm sorry. She was a real nice lady, and a damn fine ball player.
Older Stilwell: Yeah. When I heard about this, I... I felt I owed it to her to be here. She always said it was the best time she ever had in her entire life.
Ernie Capadino: Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station.
Mae Mordabito: [at Tryouts] Ya know they got over a hundred girls here. So some of yous are going home.
Kit Keller: What do you mean some of us?
[Doris throws a fast ball at Kit, which Dottie catches with her bare hands]
Mae Mordabito: OK, some of them are going home.
Doris Murphy: Hey, how'd you do that?
Ernie Capadino: [to a salesman] You know, if I had your job, I'd kill myself! Wait here, I'll see if I can dig up a pistol.
Doris Murphy: Hey Mae, Mae, your date's here.
Mae Mordabito: How do I look?
Doris Murphy: Where'd you get that dress?
Mae Mordabito: Borrowed it.
Doris Murphy: It don't fit you, Mae, it's too tight.
Mae Mordabito: I don't plan on wearing it that long.
Doris Murphy: Ohh. I don't know why you get dressed at all.
Mae Mordabito: [During the league's publicity drive] What if at a key moment in the game my, my uniform bursts open and, uh, oops., my bosoms come flying out? That, that might draw a crowd, right?
Doris Murphy: You think there are men in this country who ain't seen your bosoms?
Dave Hooch: I know my girl ain't so pretty as these girls, but that's my fault. I raised her like I would a boy. I didn't know any better. She loves to play. Don't make my little girl suffer because I messed up raising her. Please.
Ira Lowenstein: Until you did that, I couldn't tell if you were... drunk or dead.
Jimmy Dugan: It was made very clear to me what I'm supposed to do here. I smile, wave my little hat... I did that, so when do I get paid?
Ira Lowenstein: Now, Jimmy, you have some pretty good ballplayers here. You ought to give them a little bit of your...
Jimmy Dugan: [interrupting] Ballplayers. I don't have ballplayers, I've got girls. Girls are what you sleep with after the game, not, not what you coach during the game.
Ira Lowenstein: If we paid you a little bit more, Jimmy, do you think you could be just a little more disgusting?
Jimmy Dugan: [brightly] Well, I could certainly use the money.
Ira Lowenstein: This is what it's going to be like in the factories, too, I suppose, isn't it? "The men are back, Rosie, turn in your rivets." We told them it was their patriotic duty to get out of the kitchen and go to work; and now, when the men come back, we'll send them back to the kitchen.
Walter Harvey: What should we do - send the boys returning from WAR back to the kitchen?
Dottie Hinson: You ever been married?
Jimmy Dugan: Well, let me think... yeah, twice.
Dottie Hinson: Any children?
Jimmy Dugan: One of them was, yeah.
Dottie Hinson: [Upon seeing Marla drunk and singing with the band] What did you do to her?
Doris Murphy: Nothin', we just gave her a dress.
Mae Mordabito: And a lotta liquor!
Doris Murphy: Okay, let's make like a bread truck and haul buns ladies.
Dottie Hinson: [Bob returns from the war] Can we just hold each other for the rest of our lives?
Bob Hinson: That's my plan.
Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.
Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?
Walter Harvey: You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job.
Jimmy Dugan: I, uh, yeh, I, uh... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to... sell off the team's equipment like that; that won't happen again.
Walter Harvey: Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk?
Jimmy Dugan: Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.
Walter Harvey: You've seen the error of your ways.
Jimmy Dugan: No, I just can't afford it.
Walter Harvey: It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy: you still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.
Jimmy Dugan: Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee.
Walter Harvey: You fell out of a hotel. That's how you hurt it.
Jimmy Dugan: Well, there was a fire.
Walter Harvey: Which you started, which I had to pay for.
Jimmy Dugan: Well, now, I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.
Older Doris: [Doris sees Dottie watching the former team playing after 40s years] Mae! Come here! Is that her?
Older Mae: I don't know, is it?
Older Doris: Dottie?
Older Dottie: [smiling in recognition] Hey Doris
Jimmy Dugan: All right, everyone, let's listen up now, listen up. Hey! I don't know what that kid is doing, but get him away from the tape! Stilwell Something important has just happened. I was in the toilet reading my contract, and it turns out, I get a bonus when we get to the World Series. So, let's play hard, let's play smart, use your heads.
Doris Murphy: [quoting him] That's that lump three feet above our ass, right, Jimmy?
Mae Mordabito: [Mae helps Shirley learn to read] Sound it out...
Shirley Baker: Kimm...
Mae Mordabito: Kimono.
Shirley Baker: Kimono, kimono. Off. And. Gr - Gra - Grabb"d.
Mae Mordabito: Grabbed.
Shirley Baker: Her. M - mi - mil - mil - milky, milky. White, white. Milky white.
Evelyn Gardner: Mae. What are you giving her to read?
Mae Mordabito: Oh, what the difference does it make? She's reading, okay? That's the important thing. Now go away, go, shoo, shoo. Go ahead, Shirley, you're doing good.
Shirley Baker: Thanks, Mae. Milky white bre - breasts.
[Gives Mae a surprised look]
Mae Mordabito: It gets really good after that. Look. The delivery boy walks in...
Jimmy Dugan: Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is - she kept calling Your name. And God, these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that's it.
Doris Murphy: [Mae is in confession; a thud is heard] It's the second time he dropped that Bible since she's been in.
[Mae comes out, reverend looks shocked]
Doris Murphy: Mae. What did you say?
Mae Mordabito: Everything.
Dottie Hinson: How good am I?
Jimmy Dugan: You stink, you're lousy, you're only the best player in the league.
Radio Sportscaster: Take me home momma and put me to bed. I have seen enough to know I have seen too much.
Jimmy Dugan: We're gonna win. WE'RE GONNA WIN!
Stilwell Gardner: You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose. You stink.
Jimmy Dugan: [after hitting Stilwell in the face with a thrown glove, shouts] Ha! Got him!
Jimmy Dugan: Hey, where did you come from?
Dottie Hinson: Well, we got as far as Yellowstone Park... then we turned back.
Jimmy Dugan: Have a little trouble with the bears, did ya?
Bob Hinson: [His first words to Dottie after coming home from the war] Hiya, cutie.
Dottie Hinson: [Dottie has returned for the World Series] Hey, Jimmy, you look like shit. Don't you ever shave?
Jimmy Dugan: [grinning] We're gonna win... We're gonna *win!*
Dottie Hinson: Hey, hey, hey, you guys, come on! How hard can it be to make a lineup? Come on!
Doris Murphy: Oh yeah? Well, why don't you do it, Oregon?
Dottie Hinson: Me?
Dottie Hinson: Alright, Mae, center field, lead off.
Mae Mordabito: She's good!
Helen Haley: [the girls are checking the team lists] Hi. Can you read, honey?
Shirley Baker: [crying] No.
Helen Haley: All right... what's your name?
Shirley Baker: Shirley Baker.
Helen Haley: Shirley Baker... Shirley Baker... okay, let's take a look.
[scans the lists]
Helen Haley: This is you! You're with us! You're a Rockford Peach!
Charlie Collins, Racine Coach: Go join your team.
Marla Hooch - 2nd Base: I singin' to Nelson, ain't I baby?
Jimmy Dugan: What the hell's going on? Why are we stopped?
Betty 'Betty Spaghetti' Horn: Lou quit.
Jimmy Dugan: [shouts] Who's Lou?
Mae Mordabito: [to reporters] Hi, my name's Mae, and that's more than a name, that's an attitude.
Ernie Capadino: Yeah, I'm just going home, grab a shower and shave, give the wife a little pickle-tickle, and I'm on my way.
Announcer: Then there's pretty Dottie Henson, who plays like Gehrig, and looks like Garbo. Uh-uh, fellas, keep your mitts to yourself; she's married. And there's her kid sister Kit, who's as single as they come. Enough concentrated oomph for a whole carload of Hollywood starlets.
Older Dottie: [Meeting after almost 50 years] You haven't changed one bit.
Older Ellen Sue: Dottie, I married a plastic surgeon.
Mae Mordabito: ...And what am I supposed to do, huh? Go back to taxi dancin'? Ten cents so some slob can sweat gin all over me? I'm never doin' that again! So you go back there and you tell ol' rich Mr. Old Chocolate Man that he ain't closing ME down!
Walter Harvey: You go out, wave your cap, give the people a thrill.
Jimmy Dugan: Why don't you get an organ grinder, I could do a little dance.
Walter Harvey: If your knees are up for it, go ahead.
Jimmy Dugan: By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz.
Dottie Hinson: It was an important game; it got us into the playoffs.
Kit Keller: I could have finished.
Dottie Hinson: The way you were pitching, Stilwell could have hit off you.
Jimmy Dugan: [referring to Stilwell Angel] Keep that kid away from me for just one game!
Kit Keller: Hey, Dottie? thanks for gettin' me into the league.
Dottie Hinson: You got yourself into the league. I just got you on the train.
Dottie Hinson: I'm so sick of being blamed for every thing that's bothering you. I got you into this league, God damnit! I didn't even want to be here.
Kit Keller: Then why are you still here?
Kit Keller: [while the team is stranded out on the road] Dottie, you going to come with us?
Dottie Hinson: Where are you going?
Mae Mordabito: A road house called the Sud's Bucket.
Dottie Hinson: Ah, no. You know, I'm married...
Doris Murphy: C'mon Dottie, you ain't on the farm any more, live a little bit!
Miss Cuthbert: Girls, girls, please! Mr. Goosatelli shan't be returning.
[Goes back on the bus]
Dottie Hinson: Hey, what are you going to do about Ms. Cuthbert? How are you going to get past her?
Kit Keller: Mae's going to poison her dinner.
Dottie Hinson: WHAT?
Jimmy Dugan: Bullshit. You can all kiss my ass. That's right, kiss my big hairy ass.
Western Union man: Excuse Me! Excuse Me! I have a telegram for one of you ladies from the War Department. Let's see here... boy, I hate these, these are the worst! The least the Army could do is send someone personally, to tell you your husband is dead. Darn, I had the name right here! Well I gotta go back and get this straightened out.
Jimmy Dugan: Wait, just give me the telegram.
Western Union man: I can't. I don't have a name on the checklist.
Jimmy Dugan: Just give me the telegram
Western Union man: [Jimmy grabs it and pushes the Western Union man out of the dressing room door] Hey, this is official. This is from the War Department! C'mon, that's official business! I'm coming back!
Jimmy Dugan: [Jimmy reads the telegram and begins walking down the line of players]
[the camera drops on Betty]
Jimmy Dugan: I'm sorry Betty.
Betty 'Betty Spaghetti' Horn: [Crying hysterically] No! George!
Stadium announcer: Now batting for the Peaches, #5, center fielder, Mae Mordabito.
Racine Catcher: C'mon, no hitter, no hitter!
Stadium announcer: Here's the pitch...
[Mae swings and hits a ball into right center field]
Stadium announcer: ... there's a shot into right center it's... up the alley!
Peaches first base coach: Go to third, go to third, keep goin', Mae!
Ellen Sue Gotlander - Shortstop: Keep goin', Mae, all the way!
Stadium announcer: She's turning 'round first, she's heading up to third. Mordabito's heading past second!
Racine Catcher: Go to third, go to third!
Stadium announcer: She's headed into third!
Dottie Hinson: Dirt in the skirt, Mae! Dirt in the skirt!
Umpire: [Mae slides head-first into third base, ahead of the throw] Safe!
Stadium announcer: She's in there with a triple!
Mae Mordabito: Time.
Umpire: Boy, did she smack that one on the kisser. No wonder they call her "All the Way" Mae.
Stadium announcer: [Dottie hits a line drive at Kit's head, making her duck out of the way] Well, bite my butt and call me an apple! She nearly took her head off!
Ernie Capadino: Hey, no skin off my ashtabula. You want to stay here plucking cows, that's your business.
Announcer: After the first month of league play, the shine still isn't off these "diamond" gals. Alice "Skeeter" Gaspers says legging out a triple is no reason to let your nose get shiny - Betty Grable has nothing on these gals. Helen Haley has not only been a member of several championship amateur teams, she is also an accomplished coffee maker.
Batter at reunion game: That was clear inside. That was clear inside...
[continues to argue]
Umpire: Listen, yesterday that was a ball, tomorrow it might be a ball, but today it's a strike.
Radio Sportscaster: This week, on "The World of sports": When the boys are overseas, and off to war, baseball pitches in for the war effort. Trading bats for bullets, Yankees star Joe DiMaggio promises to give those Nazis a jolt. Ace fire baller, Bob Feller, has traded Cleveland gray for navy blue. Baseball biggest stars say: Look out Mr. Hitler, the Yanks are coming, not to mention the Indians, Red Sox, and Tigers.
Little Boy: [Jimmy has just signed a baseball for a little boy, who reads] Avoid the clap, Jimmy Dugan.
Jimmy Dugan: Hey, that's good advice!
Charm School assistant: [the charm school teachers are inspecting each of the girls and they come to dowdy Marla Hooch] What do you suggest?
Charm School instructor: [repulsed] A lot of night games.
Kit Keller: My train leaves at eight o'clock, I've got ten minutes to pack.
Dottie Hinson: Well, if you have any trouble, you know who to blame.
Doctor: [about Miss Cuthbert] In the forty-three years I've been practicing medicine, I never saw a woman throw up that much!
Jimmy Dugan: I think it's how she entertains herself, Doc.
Ma Keller: For goodness sake, Kit, keep your voice down, your father is listening to the radio.