Chester: My name is Chester, I'm great, I'm wonderful! Everybody likes me!
Redneck: Hey, Chester. My name's Harland, and to me you look like a giant asshole.
Chester: Well, if I'm an asshole there's a reason for it. You're contagious!
Chester: I've never saw such beautiful landscaping. Looks like all the trees threw up.
Matthew: We get along great, we laugh together, we like the same music, the same sports, we get along just great.
Soda Shop Counterman: Then what's the problem?
Matthew: She don't know I'm a boy.
Matthew: Gimme another one.
Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, you've had enough. You're gonna spoil your dinner. Why don't you go on home?
Matthew: No, I don't want to go home. Come on, gimme another one.
Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, the way you're drinkin', you must have a girl problem.
Soda Shop Counterman: Tell me about it. Maybe I could help.
Matthew: How could *you* help *me*?
Soda Shop Counterman: With girls, I been through it all. I been stood up, shook up, hung up, screwed up, and tied up. What's your problem? Y'all have a fight?
Matthew: No, no, no, we never fight. No, we get along great. We laugh together, we like the same music, the same sports. No, we get along just great.
Soda Shop Counterman: Then what's the problem?
Matthew: She don't know I'm a boy.
Soda Shop Counterman: Kid, with this girl, I don't know what you're doin', but you must be doin' it wrong.
Chester: You've got to change your behavior.
Matthew: Oh and what'd I do?
Chester: What'd you do? A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger and tell their coach, "Up yours!" A girl doesn't refer to the referee a blind bastard. A girl doesn't slap another girl on the ass and say, "You're hot stuff!" And a girl doesn't say "I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!"
Chester: Women are a beautiful bed of flowers.
[punk girl walks by]
Chester: Of course there's a weed here and there.
Chester: I dressed her son up like a girl, and invited him to play with me.
Chester: We have a chance. Like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Chester: Well, you know how it is - boys want to be girls, girls want to be boys... Some of them are...
[opposing team scores first goal within 15 seconds of whistle]
Chester: Wow! The only thing quicker than that is when I'm having sex!
Dr. Von Kemp: Remember when you get a job make sure your boss is taller than you. That way it's easier to kiss his ass.
Chester: I read a book once, "100 Ways to Make Love." I ended up in traction, it was a misprint!
[coaching the girls practicing]
Chester: Try and control the ball! Forget the ball, try and stay on your feet! Get out of the net, you're not a fish! Pester, you're in a different time zone! Oh beautiful, beautiful!
[looks up at the sky]
Chester: Why me? Why me?
[Chester is helping Matthew adjust his wig in a dressing room while a lady outside eavesdrops]
Chester: Just remember, we gotta be careful. I don't want your mother to find out, she'll kill me.
Matthew: God, I can't believe I'm doing this!
Chester: Don't worry, I'll be finished soon.
Matthew: Ow! Take it easy, that hurts!
Chester: Don't worry, if it's too tight you'll get used to it.
Chester: What a lady. When she walks in a room, mice jump on chairs. At Christmas they hang her and kiss the mistletoe. I tell ya if she went to a dog show, she'd win.
Chester: Two-story house. Yeah before you buy it they give you one story, after you move in you get another story.
Coach Bull: If you were in my army, I would have you on latrine duty!
Chester: Hoo! Smells like I'm there now.
Chester: Julie, look at what you're eating, I thought you were getting in shape. What happened to the weight lifting class?
Julie: Oh I'm doing good. I mean this is heavy.
Chester: He's playing like a psycho, he's nuts!
Julie: Looks like Norman Bates is playing soccer.
Chester: Hey, after the game no showers.
[Matthew walks in dressed as Martha]
Chester: Idiot. Moron. Jerkoff.
Bartender: Hey buddy, what's your problem? I don't have to take your bullshit.
Chester: Oh, I wasn't talkin' to you. I was talkin' to myself.
Chester: I tell you, that Welfelt has power. You know, with the right training, she could be the best player we have!
Julie: The best player we have? Well, what about Larimer over there, the little black girl? She's the best player we have! You know that black people are the best at sports, c'mon! We're the best runners, the fastest runners, the best at track. We're the best at baseball, the best at boxing, the best at basketball, football. Hey, you name it!
Chester: Eeesh, black people are best at sports. Are you kidding? How about hockey? And waterpolo? Fencing! Best at sports... hey, badminton! Yachting! Best at sports... Oh, I forgot fox hunting! Best in sports...
Coach Annie: Well, I know what my girls can do. And I just want to tell you that your team is going to get crushed!
Chester: I guess you're going to play, too, huh?
Chester: [Addressing the girls at the final game after they found out the truth about Martha/Matthew] You don't need a boy to help you win! You're women! You don't need anyone! You're liberated! You got the vote! You can burn your bras! When you get them!
Chester: [to the people that saw Matthew dressed like a girl punching a speed bag] She's in training. Friday night, she's an underdog.
Chester: [to Matthew] You gotta work on your jab, your hook, and your slip is showing. Come on, will ya? You keep this up, your next fight will be with me.
Bartender: Look, buddy. You ought to get out there and start dating again.
Chester: You go out there, what do you meet? You meet girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls.
Bartender: Well, you know what they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea if you got the right bait.
Chester: Yeah. The trouble is, my hook ain't what it used to be.
Chester: [after getting thrown out of a bar] Boy! What a happy hour. Well, at least I beat the check.
Dave Mullen: You have five seconds to get Kimberly out of there.
Dave Mullen: There's nothing to think about. Get her out of there.
Chester: Look, we're not in your office now. Out here, I call the shots.
Dave Mullen: Looks like I misjudged you, Chester. I guess you don't care about your future with this company.
Chester: Right now, all I care about is this team.
Dave Mullen: Chester, you've forgotten what's important to you.
Chester: I didn't forget. You forgot. What's more important? That strangers look up to you or your own kid? Kimberly's playing today! And if it means my job, too bad.
Dave Mullen: Look, Chester, I just want to win today. I only want the best out there.
Chester: The best, the best. That's all I keep hearing. You want to be the best. Let me ask you this, what good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
Bess: [answers the car phone] Hello. Yeah, yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Chester, it's Martha.
Chester: [drives off the road]
Chester: I'm sorry. I thought I saw a raccoon.
[takes the phone]
Chester: Martha, why are you calling me?
Matthew: Would you rather I call my mother, Chester?
Chester: [laughingly] No, no, no, no, no, no.
Matthew: Listen, Chester, I'm in big trouble. I'm at the Mullen's house. Mrs. Mullen took all the girls to her house after practice. She insisted that I go with them.
Chester: Well, just have your ice cream and cake and go home.
Matthew: Oh, listen, genius, if it was that simple, I wouldn't have called you.
Matthew: Now all the girls are going skinny-dipping.
Chester: [drives off the road again] I tell you, Bess, those raccoons are all over the place.
Bess: Oh, you are a great salesman, Chester, but I'm finished buying your bullshit. Now, get out of here!
Julie: Let me at him, Chester!
Chester: [holding her back] Take it easy, take it easy.
Julie: No, I can take him, Chester! I can take him!
Coach Bull: I'm warning you! I never hit a lady!
Chester: And I'm warning *you*. She's no lady.
Dave Mullen: I understand your boy Matthew's been seeing a lot of my daughter Kimberly.
Chester: Oh, yes, Dave. More than you know.
Chester: Hey, Annie! I wanna take you to the zoo! Yeah, they'll thank me for returnin' you!
Coach Cannoli: Say, are you Coach Chester Lee?
Chester: That's right.
Coach Cannoli: I'm Coach Cannoli. There's a rumor that you, on your soccer team, dressed a boy as a girl.
Dave Mullen: Cannoli, that is patently ridiculous.
[turns to Chester]
Dave Mullen: I'm sorry, Chester.
Chester: [to Cannoli] I'm insulted. How can you stoop so low as to repeat a ridiculous rumor like that? How dare you.