Captain Ron: Alright, that's more like it, now you're talking! You can do it, mates! I've never seen such sailors. Not in all my born days, I ain't. Naturals! My God, everyone of you, naturals...
[beat; to himself]
Captain Ron: We're gonna fucking die!
Benjamin Harvey: [Overhearing his parents] Wow. We're getting a boat? Too cool.
Katherine Harvey: Ben, remember our discussion about eavesdropping?
Benjamin Harvey: Okay. But we're getting a boat?
Katherine Harvey: Your father and I have to talk about it.
Benjamin Harvey: Alright. We're getting a boat.
Katherine Harvey: We'll be spontaneous when we have time.
Benjamin Harvey: Man. What happened to your eye?
Martin Harvey: Ben.
Katherine Harvey: Sweetie, that's rude.
Captain Ron: No, that's alright. Shark attack, swab.
Benjamin Harvey: A shark ate your eye?
Captain Ron: [telling how he lost his eye] Yeah, it happened when I went down off the coast of Australia.
Katherine Harvey: Your boat sank?
Captain Ron: No, no, no, no. Not my boat. My boss's boat. Yeah, we hit this reef. Huge son-of-a-bitch. Ran the whole coast.
Katherine Harvey: Wait. The Great Barrier Reef?
Captain Ron: You've heard of it, huh? Smart lady.
Captain Ron: [to Ben] Hey swab. C'mere. Listen up. Now, the way it works shipboard is, you do your job. You do it good, you get a better job. Maybe you get promoted from swab to mate.
Captain Ron: Alright. Get on it.
Captain Ron: [to Martin] Sort've an incentive kind of a deal, huh?
Martin Harvey: Ah. Good.
Captain Ron: Yeah, incentives are important. I learned that in rehab.
[as Ben moves Captain Ron's beer]
Captain Ron: Hey. Get your hands off that.
Benjamin Harvey: I was just moving it. I wasn't gonna drink it.
Captain Ron: You bet your little booty, you wasn't. You want a beer, you get your own beer.
Handsome Guerilla: The American girls are very... what's the word? Superficial.
Caroline Harvey: Yeah. God, I really hate that. Like, I'm into different cultures and different ways of doing things. Like we're watching "Mr. Ed" on TV the other day, and he's speaking French, or something.
Captain Ron: [after losing his glass eye] It never did fit anyway. Guess you gotta get 'em custom made.
[Lost in a heavy storm]
Captain Ron: We should be okay. 'Cause I know we're near land.
Martin Harvey: Great, Cap. Great. Ya hear that? We're almost there. Explain to the kids how you know that, Captain Ron. Someone translate for General Armando.
Captain Ron: Alright, now stay with me: When we left, we had just enough fuel to make it to San Juan. And now... we are out of fuel!
Martin Harvey: Captain Ron! Captain Ron?
[Approaching Martin and Katherine in a holding cell on San Juan]
Bill Zachary: Mr. and Mrs. Harvey? I'm Bill Zachary from the U.S. State Department. I've got some good news for you.
Katherine Harvey: Oh. You found our children.
Bill Zachary: No. But you're not being charged with subversion.
Man with Rifle: You stole my wife, but you're not gonna steal my car!
Caroline Harvey: Captain Ron, I was wondering. Are we going to be going to any more "human" type places?
Captain Ron: Well, you heard of St. Croix?
Caroline Harvey: Yeah.
Captain Ron: We're going to the island just to the left of it.
Caroline Harvey: What's it called?
Captain Ron: Ted's.
Martin Harvey: Slow down! There's boats all over the place!
Captain Ron: Don't worry. They'll get out of the way. I learned that driving the Saratoga.
Katherine Harvey: What are we going to do?
Martin Harvey: What can we do? Look around you. The sun is almost up. We are marooned in an unfriendly country. We have no luggage, no money, no passports and worse still... no reason or explination for even being here!
Katherine Harvey: But we have our boat.
Martin Harvey: No dear. If you'll look again, you'll notice that the pirates have our boat.
Caroline Harvey: Now, wait a minute. That's our boat. We should do something.
Martin Harvey: What are you saying?
Katherine Harvey: I think she's saying that if the pirates have our boat, we should take it back from them. I say we fight them.
Martin Harvey: Bloodthirsty, heavily armed Cuban pirates against the Harvey clan? It would take a miracle.
[just then a 1950s retro car speeds by them]
Benjamin Harvey: Look! It's Captain Ron!
[being chased by pirates]
Benjamin Harvey: All right! They're pirates of the Caribbean, just you said Captain Ron.
Captain Ron: Yeah, squirt. Pirates are easy to deal with. It's the Cuban cops that you gotta worry about. Grand theft auto is a major biggie here in Cuba.
Martin Harvey: Grand theft auto? You stole this car?
Captain Ron: Nah, I didn't steal it, boss. I borrowed it. Sort of...
Martin Harvey: [Walks down to the Ship's Cabin] What's this?
Caroline Harvey: Monopoly.
Martin Harvey: No, this.
[Holding a handgun]
Benjamin Harvey: Two .45's and a Mac-10.
Caroline Harvey: It's this total macho trip, Dad, just ignore it.
Martin Harvey: Where'd they come from?
Benjamin Harvey: Captain Ron traded the Guerrillas for 'em.
Captain Ron: Yeah, I thought we'd ought to have them, Boss. Cause, you know, we're gettin' into pirate waters, here, pretty quick.
Martin Harvey: What pirates?
Captain Ron: Pirates, of the Caribbean.
Martin Harvey: Been to Disney World, one too many times? Have we, Captain Ron?
Benjamin Harvey: It's true, Dad! They come up on you in high speed boats!
Captain Ron: You know, I don't believe I've been to Disney World...
[Interrupted by Martin Harvey]
Captain Ron: I've been to DollyWood.