Captain Ron (1992)
[as Ben, who's 12, moves Captain Ron's beer]
Captain Ron: Hey. Get your hands off that.
Benjamin Harvey: I was just moving it. I wasn't gonna drink it.
Captain Ron: You bet your little booty, you wasn't. You want a beer, you get your own beer.
Caroline Harvey: Captain Ron, I was wondering. Are we going to be going to any more "human" type places?
Captain Ron: Well, you heard of St. Croix?
Caroline Harvey: Yeah.
Captain Ron: We're going to the island just to the left of it.
Caroline Harvey: What's it called?
Captain Ron: Ted's.
Captain Ron: Alright, that's more like it, now you're talking! You can do it, mates! I've never seen such sailors. Not in all my born days, I ain't. Naturals! My God, everyone of you, naturals...
[beat; to himself]
Captain Ron: We're gonna fucking die!
Captain Ron: [to Ben] Hey swab. C'mere. Listen up. Now, the way it works shipboard is, you do your job. You do it good, you get a better job. Maybe you get promoted from swab to mate.
Captain Ron: Alright. Get on it.
Captain Ron: [to Martin] Sort've an incentive kind of a deal, huh?
Martin Harvey: Ah. Good.
Captain Ron: Yeah, incentives are important. I learned that in rehab.
Captain Ron: [after losing his glass eye] It never did fit anyway. Guess you gotta get 'em custom made.
[Lost in a heavy storm]
Captain Ron: The boss is right. We should be okay. 'Cause I know we're near land.
Martin Harvey: Great, Cap. Great. Ya hear that? We're almost there. Explain to the kids how you know that, Captain Ron. Someone translate for General Armando.
Captain Ron: Alright, now stay with me: When we left, we had just enough fuel to make it to San Juan. And now... we are out of fuel!
Martin Harvey: Slow down! There's boats all over the place!
Captain Ron: Don't worry. They'll get out of the way. I learned that driving the Saratoga.
Captain Ron: Hey! Uh, leg feels a lot better now, boss. I always been a fast healer, you know. 'Course I believe in Jesus, so that helps.
Katherine Harvey: We'll be spontaneous when we have time.
Benjamin Harvey: Man. What happened to your eye?
Martin Harvey: Ben.
Katherine Harvey: Sweetie, that's rude.
Captain Ron: No, that's alright. Shark attack, swab.
Benjamin Harvey: A shark ate your eye?
Captain Ron: [telling how he lost his eye] Yeah, it happened when I went down off the coast of Australia.
Katherine Harvey: Your boat sank?
Captain Ron: No, no, no, no. Not my boat. My boss's boat. Yeah, we hit this reef. Huge son-of-a-bitch. Ran the whole coast.
Katherine Harvey: Wait. The Great Barrier Reef?
Captain Ron: You've heard of it, huh? Smart lady.
[Approaching Martin and Katherine in a holding cell on San Juan]
Bill Zachary: Mr. and Mrs. Harvey? I'm Bill Zachary from the U.S. State Department. I've got some good news for you.
Katherine Harvey: Oh. You found our children.
Bill Zachary: No. But you're not being charged with subversion.
Captain Ron: Hey, you wouldn't be trying to cheat Captain Ron there, would you, swab?
Benjamin Harvey: Uh, no sir. Uh, so what happened?
Captain Ron: Ah, nothing. They were just playing hide-the-salami in the shower
Captain Ron: [Ben spits his beer up] Oh, come on, man!
Martin Harvey: [stressing to his family that they need to learn all the things about seamanship that Capt. Ron is trying to drill into them] You gotta' learn the basics.
Captain Ron: And, you gotta' be prepared.
Martin Harvey: That's right...
Captain Ron: I'm not talkin' Boy Scout prepared, I mean *big-time* prepared.
Martin Harvey: [downplaying it] Well, prepared for any kind of *normal* accident...
Captain Ron: This is the Caribbean, guys. "El Caribe." The Spanish Main. The land of hoo-doo and voodoo and all kinda' weird shit.
Benjamin Harvey: Whoa!
Benjamin Harvey: [Overhearing his parents] Wow. We're getting a boat? Too cool.
Katherine Harvey: Ben, remember our discussion about eavesdropping?
Benjamin Harvey: Okay. But we're getting a boat?
Katherine Harvey: Your father and I have to talk about it.
Benjamin Harvey: Alright. We're getting a boat.
Handsome Guerilla: The American girls are very... what's the word? Superficial.
Caroline Harvey: Yeah. God, I really hate that. Like, I'm into different cultures and different ways of doing things. Like we're watching "Mr. Ed" on TV the other day, and he's speaking French, or something.
Katherine Harvey: What are we going to do?
Martin Harvey: What can we do? Look around you. The sun is almost up. We are marooned in an unfriendly country. We have no luggage, no money, no passports and worse still... no reason or explination for even being here!
Katherine Harvey: But we have our boat.
Martin Harvey: No dear. If you'll look again, you'll notice that the pirates have our boat.
Caroline Harvey: Now, wait a minute. That's our boat. We should do something.
Martin Harvey: What are you saying?
Katherine Harvey: I think she's saying that if the pirates have our boat, we should take it back from them. I say we fight them.
Martin Harvey: Bloodthirsty, heavily armed Cuban pirates against the Harvey clan? It would take a miracle.
[just then a 1950s retro car speeds by them]
Benjamin Harvey: Look! It's Captain Ron!
[being chased by pirates]
Benjamin Harvey: All right! They're pirates of the Caribbean, just like you said Captain Ron.
Captain Ron: Yeah, squirt. Pirates are easy to deal with. It's the Cuban cops that you gotta worry about. Grand theft auto is a major biggie here in Cuba.
Martin Harvey: Grand theft auto? You stole this car?
Captain Ron: Nah, I didn't steal it, boss. I borrowed it. Sort of...
Martin Harvey: [Walks down to the Ship's Cabin] What's this?
Caroline Harvey: Monopoly.
Martin Harvey: No, this.
[Holding a handgun]
Benjamin Harvey: Two .45's and a Mac-10.
Caroline Harvey: It's this total macho trip, Dad, just ignore it.
Martin Harvey: Where'd they come from?
Benjamin Harvey: Captain Ron traded the Guerrillas for 'em.
Captain Ron: Yeah, I thought we'd ought to have them, Boss. Cause, you know, we're gettin' into pirate waters, here, pretty quick.
Martin Harvey: What pirates?
Captain Ron: Pirates, of the Caribbean.
Martin Harvey: Been to Disney World, one too many times? Have we, Captain Ron?
Benjamin Harvey: It's true, Dad! They come up on you in high speed boats!
Captain Ron: You know, I don't believe I've been to Disney World...
[Interrupted by Martin Harvey]
Captain Ron: I've been to DollyWood.
Captain Ron: Captain Ron: A diesel loves her oil same as a sailor loves rum
Martin Harvey: [Captain Ron has left Martin at the wheel to pilot the boat alone. His wife comes and stands next to him] Isn't this great? Look at this! Open ocean, uncharted islands... Who knows what's waiting for us out there? Come here.
[hugs his wife]
Martin Harvey: [Narrating] Log entry: Day two. The adventure begins! What a thrill it is to be leaving the turmoil of civilization behind us!
Benjamin Harvey: What about your other eye?
Captain Ron: Glass, swab.
Benjamin Harvey: Too cool!
Captain Ron: Yeah. I won it in a crap game a few years back.
Martin Harvey: What do you think about Captain Ron? I mean, uh, I would be certainly willing to provide someone else if you're not comfortable with him. I think it's important that you're, uh...
Katherine Harvey: No, I think he's fine... I mean, he seems to know what he's doing. He was in the Navy.
Martin Harvey: Yeah, yeah, all right... What about the eye thing, though?
Katherine Harvey: Oh, honey! I would never fire anybody because they were physically challenged. Frankly, I admire him. I mean, really, when you think about the way he parked that boat. It was unbelievable - I mean, especially for somebody with no depth perception as we know it.
Martin Harvey: [not sounding completely convinced of that notion] Oh, yeah, yeah, he's good...
Captain Ron: [Captain Ron and Benjamin are playing Monopoly for money] Three houses, 375! That's 37 cents.
Benjamin Harvey: Well that's... half the money I have left.
Captain Ron: Yeah, shit happens. Cough it up.