Father McGruder: Stand back boy! This calls for divine intervention!
Lionel Cosgrove: [about to charge at the zombies with a hoisted law mower] Party's over!
Undertaker: [as Vera's eyes pop out and green slime sprays out] Cranial blowout!
Guide: You've got... *the bite*!
Stewart: [the guide reaches for a machete] There's some Dettol in the Jeep...
Mum: [Sucking Lionel into her gaping womb] No-one will ever love you like your mother!
[to two housewives, after beating up Baby Selwyn in a public park and stuffing him into a duffel bag]
Lionel Cosgrove: Hyperactive!
Mr. Matheson: [Eating custard with Vera's pus squirted in it] Damn fine custard. Rich and creamy, just the way I like it!
Uncle Les: Ahhh, so you found your father's old stag movies, didn't ya?
Lionel Cosgrove: They're not dead exactly, they're just... sort of rotting.
Uncle Les: Is that the one with the donkey and the chambermaid?
Zoo Keeper: Story goes, these great big rats come scuttling off the slave ships and raped all the little tree monkeys. The natives use them in black magic rituals. Don't ask me how, probably suck the blood of virgins, eh, eh?
Uncle Les: Christ! What a stink!
Lionel Cosgrove: Uh... yeah. A dog must have uh, crawled under the house and died.
Uncle Les: She's history! I know what to do, I've read the comics! Total... bodily... dismemberment!
[the Sumatran rat monkey bites Mum, and she crushes it with the heel of her stiletto]
Zoo Keeper: Holy shit!
Mum: Look at this! It bit me. I've been savaged! And my dress!
Father McGruder: Lionel, despite being deprived of his father at an early age, was blessed with an abundance of motherlove.
[Mum's hand smashes through her coffin lid and tries to strangle Lionel]
Uncle Les: [Wielding a knife and a cleaver and faced with a horde of zombies] Step right up you greebo bastards!
Roger: You know what they are saying about you don't you? You've got funny in the head! A real bloody weirdo!
Mum: [about Paquita] I'll tell you what she is. She's EXPERIENCED.
Mum: [Waving a knife around] Look at this dust! It's an inch thick!
Void: What are you doing with this thing? Digging up a few stiffs?
[Seconds before being devoured by zombies]
Intellectual: Some of my best friends are pedophiles!
[after Lionel crashes into the church hugging his mother's 'corpse']
Nora Matheson: He was always dreadfully attached to Vera.
Father McGruder: Well I've seen some displays of grief in my day, but nothing quite like that.