Alice Newton: I don't think words for parts of the body make very good names.
Emily Newton: He's got one of those, I looked.
Alice Newton: I'm sure he does but I don't think Daddy would want to stand on the porch at night yelling that out.
Emily Newton: But that's what you call Uncle Richard.
Devonia Pest: [to Emily after she was discovered having almost drowned in the neighbours' pool] Now, we don't want you to get into trouble, so we'll this be our little secret!
Ryce Newton: [furiously to Devonia] I'd like to call my mother please.
Devonia Pest: Your mother?
Ryce Newton: Immediately.
Dr. Varnick: Here for his shots?
George Newton: Yes.
Dr. Varnick: Well he'll be a little groggy this evening.
George Newton: That'll be nice.
George Newton: Any kind of weirdness and Beethoven is gone!
Alice Newton: Weirdness? What should I watch for, hon? Wearin' my clothes around the house?
Devonia Pest: [after Alice picks up the kids and heads to the car] She must have snuck out while I was watching Ted and Ryce. It was hot out, so I guess she wanted to take a little swim.
Alice Newton: [furiously sighs] And where were YOU while this was happening?
Devonia Pest: I was where I was supposed to be, inside watching the other two! If Emily stayed where I put her, none of this would ever happened!
[in a rude tone]
Devonia Pest: If you ask me, what these children need is a little discipline.
Alice Newton: What these children need is their mother.
[starts the car]
Alice Newton: You're fired.
[Devonia gasps in shock]
George Newton: You'd better think of something to name him 'cause when I come home and he's destroyed my house, I wanna know what to call him.
[the Newtons are visiting Dr. Varnick's office looking for Beethoven]
Dr. Varnick: You have no right to be in here. Out, all of you!
George Newton: Where's my dog?
Dr. Varnick: I don't have to answer your questions. You ordered that dog destroyed, and it was done. Now get out.
Dr. Varnick: [before he could hit him, George grabs Dr. Varnick] You hit me, l'll have you put in jail for assault and battery.
[Dr. Varnick nods his head, then George punches him in the face]
George: [after Alice has fired Devonia for not watching all of the kids] Honey, it was an accident!
Alice: So what?
George: We can't throw out the option of having a babysitter just because we had a bad one. We'll find somebody really responsible to look after the kids.
Alice: Over my dead body.
George: I really don't like our dog.
Alice: I really don't like those people, George. I don't trust them. I don't want their money. I know my opinion doesn't matter, but I'm not interested in expanding. If I had been home instead of helping you impress those morons, Emily wouldn't have fallen in the pool. And I'm not re-entering the work force, George. You're gonna have to do this on your own. And you will. Somehow, you'll make your fortune. And tucked away behind you deep in the shadows will be me and the kids.
George: That's how you see me. Suddenly, I'm a lousy husband and father. Everything was just fine until Beethoven came into our lives. I've tried to be patient, but I've had it. The dog has to go.
Alice: I'm proud of Beethoven. Those two idiots insulted your kids, they treated me like dirt, and he was the only one of us who had the nerve to give them the ride they deserved. I'm going to bed.
[she heads back inside]
George: My dream's going down the drain, and you're worried about a dog.
Alice: Your family's going down the drain, and you're worried about a dream.
[Beethoven has saved Emily from drowning in the pool]
Emily Newton: I love you, too. Thanks Beethoven, you saved my life but you better go home now.Mom said to stay in the back yard.
Harvey: I'm so excited. That was my very first felony. I've committed a lot of misdemeanors but I do believe that was my very first felony!
Harvey: I really don't like it when you tease the dogs.
Vernon: What are you, some kind of animal lover?
George Newton: No matter how many showers I take I still smell Beethoven all over me.
George Newton: We're goldfish people, we're antfarm people. We're not dog people.
George Newton: This is ridiculous! It's a dog, he doesn't have preferences! You could call him Ding-Dong Head and he wouldn't know the difference!
George Newton: Come to our house, we'll barbecue.
Brie: Barbecue? Okay, let's live dangerously.
George Newton: Our food may not be great but it's not dangerous.
Reporter: Have you always been a dog lover?
George Newton: Um, well, maybe not. Not as much as-as now, thank you.
George Newton: My family likes you more than they like me! Why? All you do is drool and shed and eat!
Alice Newton: Just change your pants, George.
George Newton: I'm gonna change my pants, Alice. But if I change my pants, I gotta change my jacket! If I change my jacket, I gotta change my shirt! If I change my shirt, I gotta change my tie! I hafta change my belt! I gotta change my shoes! I gotta change my socks!
Alice Newton: Just change your pants, George.
[George throws his pants down to Alice]
[Dr. Varnick is about to shoot George]
Dr. Varnick: You're a very foolish man, Mr. Newton. You should have left well enough alone.
Emily Newton: [Mr. Newton looks at Dr. Varnick's "injured" arm] I told you he was lying!
George Newton: What the hell are you trying to pull?
George Newton: [Taking Beethoven to the vet to get put to sleep] My dad had to take my dog to the vet's to be put down and I hated him for it.
Biker Woman: [holds and looks at Beethoven] He looks good and mean.
Pet Shop Owner: I don't know. He's pretty sweet.
Biker Woman: You can make any dog mean.
[Beethoven urinates on her leather jacket]
Biker Woman: Hey! Damn little beast. God!
[the pet shop owner smiles and takes Beethoven]
Biker Woman: [furiously] You got any pit bulls?