Martin: Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Valentino: I told you, you could super-size it!
Sheneneh: I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back!
Valentino: Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5!
Sheneneh: You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta' my face!
Cole: I'll see you in Hell, Martin!
Martin: Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Martin: Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Martin: Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man?
Brother Man: Nothin'
Brother Man: just chillin'.
Martin: Stanks a lot, Pam.
Tommy: My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home!
Cole: Tommy, you dated a white girl in college!
Tommy: Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin: Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
[Martin has insulted Pam during a toast to her marriage]
Gina: Martin, stop it!
Pam: Nah, nah, it's ok Gina. I mean, Martin did climb all the way down from that wedding cake to make this toast.
Martin: Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever.
Cole: [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin: [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them in regards to some beef]
Martin: [ready to rumble] Tommy, you alright? Want me to come with you?
Tommy: Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes?
Pam: This is great. This is really, really, great. I fly all the way here with Harold Muppet and the Blue Notes, and I still can't get out of this marriage.
Tommy: Sheneneh, you say you're a Christian woman... yet you sit here and you lie to these people. Now you better tell 'em the truth and tell them now!
Martin: Cole! no you are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
Martin: Bro'man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Brother Man: Yeah. I had a dream one time. I was climbin' this fire escape, and I couldn't make it to the top. So I climbed through the window of this fly ass crib!. With a big see-thru 'fridgerater. It was full of sammiches! But... , but... I couldn't open the door Martin! So I just stood there and cried man. Oh yeah! Bro'man cried.
Jerome: [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
Martin: Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna?
Pam: No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
Martin: [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"]
Maddog: Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now.
Martin: What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
Martin: Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow.
Cole: [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
Martin: Cole, do me a favor.
Cole: What's up?
Martin: Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later.
Cole: [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
Martin: Ummm... how 'bout 6:43?
Cole: I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though.
Martin: Oh, alright. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
[the gang thinks Tommy is rushing into marriage]
Gina: This is ridiculous! How's Tommy gonna marry someone he just met?
Shanise: At a church, Gina. Duuuh!
Sheneneh: [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Sheneneh: Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
Stan Winters: Umm girl, you got fire and spice.
Sheneneh: Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo ass up!
Martin: Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Tommy: I want you to testify for me.
[Cole and Shanise carry on as if they were in church]
Tommy: I'm talkin' 'bout testifyin' in court, Cole!
Sheneneh: Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Mama Payne: Every move you make, every breath
Mama Payne: you take... I'll be watching you!
Mama Payne: Yo' applehead stole my boy!
Rev. Love: If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Laquita: (singing) Laquita Lumpkins an' her homegirl Sheneneh in da hizz-ouse! Hey!
Pam: Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23!
Cole: He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back!
Martin: I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Gina: If you don't get yo' Smokey-the-Bear, corny-joke tellin' behind out there, *you* are goin' to need a search party! That's the oath!
[leaving a message]
Cole: Mom, I don't like it here. I wanna come home and my place is wack! See you later. Oh, and by the way, this is your son, Cole.
Mama Payne: Oh don't play dumb with me Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Martin: When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Gina: There's nothing wrong with my head, Martin! There's nothing wrong with my head!
[At haunted house, a howling sound is made from the background]
Martin: That's just Pam, letting us know she's alright.
Cole: See you later, Pam... my little chocolate ho-ho.
Pam: [offended] What did you call me?
Tommy: He meant "ring ding"... like the cupcake.
[leaving message on answering machine]
Cole: Mom, I wanna come back. I'm lonely and my place is wack. Oh, and if you get this message, it's me, Cole.
Martin: You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there!
Pam: You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there!
Martin: There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!