Mad About You (1992–1999)
Jamie Buchman: Oh my god, don't ever die. 'Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and make the face of heaven so fine that all the world would be in love with night.' Did I ever tell you I played Juliet in the fifth grade? I did. Opposite Steven Palumbo's Romeo. Oy. What an actor he was. He started crying during my monologue when he was supposed to be dead, because he said I was leaning on his arm. Oh my god, don't ever die. I have so much more to tell you, and I'm not interested in telling it to anyone else. And I'm not saying I'd be helpless. I mean, I'm bright and fairly good with money. I mean, I guess I'm cute, right? You would say, 'What, are you kidding me? You, my little friend, are a perfect example of beautiful.' And so I am. ' Cause I am nothing more or less than what I see in your eyes when you look at me. Do you know how long I waited for you? My mother used to say I was too picky, or afraid of commitment, and that's why I was still unmarried by the age of almost 30. But the truth is, I was just looking for you. Do you know how close I came to being a narrow, cold, mistrustful woman? But you have given me a life so big and full and good... and fun! I don't even know what we do, really, besides clean up and complain and wish we were sleeping, but with you, somehow... fun. And I'll tell you a secret. When we got married, I couldn't imagine still wanting to be with anyone all this time later. But I do. It's a miracle to me. You are a miracle. You've made me happy. Which is something I never, ever thought I'd be.
[a list of songs Ira plans to play at Jamie's wedding]
Jamie Buchman: No, no, no, not "The Hokey Pokey."
Ira Buchman: James, ya gotta have The Hokey Pokey. That's what it's all about.
Jamie Buchman: We're having lasagna. There is a recipe in the back of a Rice Krispies box.
[Paul is licking wedding invitation envelopes]
Jamie Buchman: How are you holding up?
Paul Buchman: Well, if I had two more tongues, I'd be the happiest person on Earth.
Jamie Buchman: (lights a cigarette) Second happiest.
Paul Buchman: What's the big deal with Valentine's Day? It's a made-up holiday. Nobody even knows who this St. Valentine guy was.
Jamie Buchman: He was a Roman priest who defended the Christians and was beheaded by Claudius II on February 14, 269 A.D.
Ira: [sniffing] Did you have a steak?
Paul: What are you, part wolf? As a matter of fact I did, this morning.
Ira: For breakfast? Paulie, I'm impressed.
Paul: I'm working my way backwards through the day: for dinner, I'm having cornflakes.
Bruce Willis: Can I give you a hug?
Bruce Willis: Good, good. Can I give you a little kiss?
Paul: [hesitates] Sure.
[receives a kiss on the cheek]
Bruce Willis: Wanna make out a little bit?
Paul: I don't... No.
Bruce Willis: OK.
Jamie: Do you want to tell me why I just lied to our closest friends?
Paul: They wanted to take us to dinner.
Jamie: The Bastards.
Paul: [on the phone with the vet]
Paul: Murray's last bowel movement?
Lisa Stemple: Can you believe this?
[points to herself]
Lisa Stemple: Saturday.
[Jamie and Paul are lying in bed, Jamie's playing with Paul's chesthair]
Jamie: I love chest hair.
Paul: Hey, what you got there is plenty good.
Jamie Buchman: Would you *please* tell Lisa what guys think, when women give in on the first date?
Paul Buchman: [pauses] Yippie?
Paul: Just like that: bing, bang, boom?
Jamie: At this point, I'd settle for the boom.
Paul: You don't want the bing and the bang?
Jamie: I did when we started.
Paul: And now?
Jamie: I'm over it.
Paul: You're a very complex woman.
Jamie: You don't want the boom?
Paul: 'Course I want the boom. Guys ALWAYS want the boom. We only made up the whole bing and the bang just to get to boom.
[Debbie is going to reveal to her parents that she's gay]
Jamie Buchman: So, where you gonna eat?
Debbie Buchman: I don't know. What is the right food for this conversation?
Jamie Buchman: [after a beat] I want to say Chinese...
Debbie Buchman: Yeah, why is that?
Paul: All I know is I wanna wake up naked with you for the rest of my life.
Jamie Buchman: You are a strange, amazing man.
Paul Buchman: Why is it I love you any more in the middle of February than on, say, August 21st? You know, to me, every day with you is Valentine's Day.
Jamie Buchman: So, in other words, you forgot to buy me a card.
Paul Buchman: That's what I'm saying.