Bob Wiley: Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock.
Bob Wiley: Leo, I see salt and pepper... is there a salt substitute?
Dr. Leo Marvin: You think he's gone? He's not gone. That's the whole point! He's never gone!
[Leo opens the door; there's Bob]
Bob Wiley: Is this some radical new therapy?
Dr. Leo Marvin: YOU SEE?
Bob Wiley: You ever hear of Tourette's syndrome? Involuntarily shouting profanity?
Dr. Leo Marvin: It's exceptionally rare.
Bob Wiley: Shit-eating son-of-a-bitch! Bastard, douche-bag, twat, numb-nuts, dickhead, BITCH!
Dr. Leo Marvin: Why exactly are you doing this?
Bob Wiley: If I fake it, then I don't have it.
Dr. Leo Marvin: I want some peace and quiet!
Bob Wiley: Well, I'll be quiet.
Siggy: I'll be peace!
[Bob and Siggy burst into giggles]
Bob Wiley: What if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find one, and my bladder explodes?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Are you married?
Bob Wiley: I'm divorced.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Would you like to talk about that?
Bob Wiley: There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him.
Dr. Leo Marvin: [pause] I see. So, what you're saying is that even though you are an almost-paralyzed, multiphobic personality who is in a constant state of panic, your wife did not leave you, you left her because she... liked Neil Diamond?
[Leo is strapping a bomb to Bob]
Dr. Leo Marvin: This is black powder, Bob. One teaspoon of this stuff can blow up a tree stump. There we go!
Bob Wiley: And, how much is this?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Twenty pounds worth.
Dr. Leo Marvin: You understand, don't you? There's no other solution. You won't go away.
Bob Wiley: I will.
Dr. Leo Marvin: No, you won't. You're just *saying* you will! But then, after I don't kill you, you'll show up again. And you'll do something else to make everyone in my life think you are wonderful and I'm a schmuck. But I'm not a schmuck, Bob, and I'm not going to let you breeze into town and take my family away from me, just because you're crazy enough to be *fun*.
[Leo has a rifle pointed at Bob]
Bob Wiley: What are we doing?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Death Therapy, Bob. It's a guaranteed cure.
Bob Wiley: [speaking to workers in a mental hospital] It reminds me of my favorite poem, which is, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic... and so am I!"
Bob Wiley: Isn't this a breakthrough, that I'm a sailor? I sail? I sail now?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Keep sailing, Bob!
Bob Wiley: [to man on bus] Hi, I'm Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face.
Bob Wiley: ...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm *in* the elevator.
Bob Wiley: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Leo is splattered with mud by a passing car]
Dr. Leo Marvin: Oh, damn... Son-of-a-bitch-and-BOB!
Dr. Leo Marvin: On Wednesday we'll eat Gil... on Thursday we'll eat Bob! Ha ha ha, no no no, that's going too far.
Siggy: I mean, my Dad just dropped me in the water, without warning me first. I mean, I nearly drowned! My whole life flashed before my eyes!
Bob Wiley: Wow, you're lucky you're only twelve.
Siggy: It was still grim.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Why are you always wearing black? What is it with you and this death fixation?
Siggy: Maybe I'm in mourning for my lost childhood.
[talking to his fish]
Bob Wiley: Good morning, Gil. I said, good morning, Gil.
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: If you want to be rid of him, just tell him you won't treat him anymore.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Catherine, that's easy for you to say. The man is, is like, like human Krazy Glue!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: You should never have let him sleep in your pajamas, Leo.
Dr. Leo Marvin: I can't believe that I'm hearing this!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Relax, Leo.
Dr. Leo Marvin: I'm relaxed!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Take a vacation.
Dr. Leo Marvin: I'M ON VACATION!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Maybe you should check in here for a few days. Get a handle on things!
Bob Wiley: Excuse me, Phil, but with these particular symptoms, is Prozac the right choice?
Lily Marvin: You think Prozac is a mistake?
Bob Wiley: Well, with this kind of manic episode, I would think Librium might be a more effective management tool.
Phil: You could be right. I'll rewrite the prescription.
Bob Wiley: [riding in Leo's car, speaking as Leo drives] It was an interesting morning, fruitful. But it lacked the intensity that you and I generate together, the sparks that we get one-on-one. We just gotta figure out a way to work around your schedule. Could we work afternoons? Two to four? Three to five? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday?
Dr. Leo Marvin: AHHHHHH!
[slams the brakes, gets out of the car, walks around, and opens Bob's door]
Bob Wiley: Are you saying you'd rather work mornings?
Dr. Leo Marvin: [nearly incomprehensible] GET OUTTA THE CAR!
Bob Wiley: [eating corn] Oh, Fay, this is so scrumptious. Is this hand-shucked?
[Bob and Siggy are jumping on their beds, faking Tourette's syndrome]
Bob Wiley: Shit-for-brains!
Bob Wiley: Dingleberry butt!
Siggy: Snot face!
Bob Wiley: Vulture Vomit!
Siggy: Turkey tits! Belch breath!
Bob Wiley: Goodbye, rat-dick suck-nut!
Siggy: [upstairs] Bye, dog-pissing-barf!
Dr. Leo Marvin: [screams from the bottom of the stairs] Sigmund!
Bob Wiley: Later, testicle-head bosom-beaver!
[looks out the window]
Bob Wiley: Good Morning America's here!
[the Marvins have told Bob to leave, and they are saying their farewells]
Siggy: Goodbye, green-puking pissant.
Bob Wiley: Later, barf-breath douche-mouth.
Bob Wiley: [telling a joke] The doctor draws two circles and says "What do you see?" the guy says "Sex."
Bob Wiley: Wait a minute, I haven't even told the joke yet! So the doctor draws trees, "What do you see?" the guy says "sex". The doctor draws a car, owl, "Sex, sex, sex". The doctor says to him "You are obsessed with sex", he replies "Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
Bob Wiley: I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...
Bob Wiley: [to himself] ... baby steps get on the bus, baby steps down the aisle, baby steps...
Dr. Leo Marvin: [Hangs up phone] That patient, the one who called before, he committed suicide.
Fay Marvin: Oh, Leo, how horrible.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Oh well, let's not let it spoil our vacation.
Bob Wiley: You understand, Bob, don't you. There's no other solution. You won't go away.
Bob Wiley: Oh, yes I will.
Bob Wiley: Well, I get dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, fever blisters, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort.
Dr. Leo Marvin: So the real question is, what is the crisis Bob? What is it you're truly afraid of?
Bob Wiley: What if my heart stops beating? What if I'm looking for a bathroom and... my bladder explodes?