[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon]
Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Just a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it?
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [to a wench] You. My room. 10:30 tonight.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [to another wench] You. 10:45... And bring a friend.
Azeem: Salaam, little one.
Small Girl: Did God paint you?
Azeem: Did God paint me?
Azeem: For certain.
Small Girl: Why?
Azeem: Because Allah loves wondrous varieties.
Azeem: A wise man once said: "There are no perfect men in the world; only perfect intentions."
Friar Tuck: This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to his bounty by learning about... BEER.
Friar Tuck: By the power vested in me, of God's holy church, I say let any man who has reason why these two should not be joined, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Friar Tuck: Then, I now pronounce you...
King Richard: Hold, I speak!
[Everyone turns around to see knights coming]
[Everyone, except Marian and a confused Azeem, bows]
King Richard: I will not allow this wedding to proceed...
Robin Hood: [gets up] My lord...
King Richard: ...unless I'm allowed to give the bride away! You look radiant, cousin.
Marian: Oh, Richard.
[they exchange kisses on the cheeks]
Robin Hood: I'm deeply honored, your majesty.
King Richard: It is I who is honored, Lord Locksley. Thanks to you, I still have a throne. Friar, proceed!
Friar Tuck: Husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Robin Hood: I know that.
[They kiss, and everyone cheers. The camera shifts to the Friar, who breaks the fourth wall and looks at the camera]
Friar Tuck: Now, get out of it! We're wasting good celebration time!
Will Scarlett: [after launching Robin and Azeem over the wall] Fuck me, he cleared it!
Azeem: English! English! Behold, Azeem Edin Bashir Al Bakir. I am not one of you, but I fight! I fight with Robin Hood. I fight against a tyrant who holds you under his boot! If you would be free men, then you must fight! Join us now, join Robin Hood!
Robin Hood: You're King Richard's cousin. You can give word to him of Nottingham's plans. He would believe you.
Marian: If the sheriff found out, I could lose all that I have.
Robin Hood: But will you do it for your king?
Marian: No. I'll do it for you.
[She kisses him and gets on the boat. They look at each other intensely as the boat leaves]
Duncan: He fancies you, my Lady. I may be blind, but there are some things I still see.
[Azeem shows Guy's approaching men with a telescope. Robin peers at it, bewildered]
Azeem: How did your uneducated kind ever take Jerusalem?
Friar Tuck: So, you sold your soul to Satan, Your Grace? You accused innocent men of witchcraft and let them die!
Bishop of Hereford: Brother Friar, you would not strike a fellow man of the cloth?
Friar Tuck: No, no, I wouldn't. In fact, I'll help you pack for your journey.
[weighs the Bishop down with several heavy sacks]
Friar Tuck: You're going to need lots of gold to help you on your way - you're a very rich man, eh? This too, and that!
[holds up one last bag]
Friar Tuck: Here's thirty pieces of silver, to pay the Devil... ON YOUR WAY TO HELL!
[shoves the Bishop to his death out a window]
[robbing a lady in a carriage]
Robin Hood: Milady, a woman of your beauty has no need for such... decorations.
Azeem: Where I come from, we talk to our women. We do not drug them with plants.
[after escaping from the Turks' dungeon]
Azeem: Why did you cut me free, Christian?
Robin Hood: Whatever blood is in your veins, no man deserves to die in there.
Robin Hood: What do you know of women?
Azeem: Where I come from, Christian, there are women of such beauty, that they can possess a man's mind so that he would be willing to die for them.
Robin Hood: Wait a minute. Is that why you were to be executed? Because of a woman?
Robin Hood: That's it, isn't it? That's it!
Azeem: It is close to sunset.
Robin Hood: You painted old hound, who was she? The mullah's daughter? Another man's wife? What's her name?
Azeem: Is there no sun in this cursed country? Which way is East?
Robin Hood: Her name.
Robin Hood: Her name.
Robin Hood: [points] That way.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Now I have heard that Robin Hood may still be alive. Either tell me where he may be hiding, or you wll all hanged and we will catch him anyway and do the same thing to him.
Will Scarlett: I'd love to kill him for you.
Wulf: Will, no!
Sheriff of Nottingham: So he is alive, then?
Will Scarlett: I'm not really sure.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Then why would I need you?
Will Scarlett: Because, my lord, if he is alive, I can get close to him. I'm one of his men. He would never suspect me.
Wulf: He knows you always hated him, traitor!
Will Scarlett: He's a trusting fool. He'll believe me. And if he doesn't, he'll kill me. Then you've lost nothing.
Sheriff of Nottingham: If you fail, I will personally remove your lying tongue.
Will Scarlett: And if I succeed, I get my freedom and the bounty on his head.
Sheriff of Nottingham: The lash, I think! Sorry about that. It'll make it more convincing.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [after he stabs Sir Guy of Gisborn] At least I didn't use a spoon.
Marian: How is it, that a once-arrogant young nobleman has found contentment, living rough with the salt of the earth?
Robin Hood: I've seen knights in armor panic at the first hint of battle. And I've seen the lowliest, unarmed squire pull a spear from his own body, to defend a dying horse. Nobility is not a birthright. It's defined by one's actions.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Do you mind Locksley? We've just been married.
Azeem: The hospitality in this country is as warm as the weather.
[talking about how many men that are about to be ambushed]
Robin Hood: How many?
Robin Hood: 20?
Bull: [further away] How many?
Robin Hood: 5.
Robin Hood: [to Azeem] He can't count anyway.
Azeem: No man controls my destiny... especially not one who attacks downwind and stinks of garlic.
Robin Hood: I had to try.
Azeem: *I* would have succeeded.
Guy of Gisborne: Might I have the pleasure of your name, before I have you run through?
[coming to a wide river]
Azeem: In my dreams alone have I imagined such a place.
Robin Hood: Then imagine a way to cross it.
Marian: There is a price on your head.
Robin Hood: How much?
Marian: One hundred gold pieces.
Robin Hood: Is that all? I shall have to annoy the good Sheriff more. Soon it will be a thousand.
Marian: For a thousand, I would turn you in myself.
Little John: Are you bleedin' cracked, girl? You'd get hurt.
Fanny: I've given birth to eight babies. Don't you talk to me about gettin' hurt, ya big ox.
[the Sheriff is preparing to rape Marian to impregnate her, even as Robin and Azeem are trying to break down the door]
Sheriff of Nottingham: I can't do this with all that racket!
Sheriff of Nottingham: What a beautiful child. So young, so alive, so unaware of how precarious life can be. I had a very sad childhood, I'll tell you about it sometime. I never knew my parents; it's amazing I'm sane.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Marian, our union would allow these children to grow up as my allies. You understand... I cannot allow them to grow up as my enemies.
Marian: I have no choice.
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's true.
Marian: Men speak conveniently of love when it serves their purpose.
Robin Hood: And you. You travel ten thousand miles to save my life and leave me to be butchered.
Azeem: I fulfill my vows when I choose to.
Robin Hood: Which does not include prayer time, meal time, or any time I'm outnumbered six to one.
Azeem: You whine like a mule. You are still alive.
Mortianna: ...recruit the beasts that share our god.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Animals?
Mortianna: From the North.
Sheriff of Nottingham: You mean... CELTS. They drink the blood of their dead.
Mortianna: Yoke their strength.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Hired thugs... Ahh brilliant.
Will Scarlett: It was your anger that drove them apart! It's not a lie! You ruined my life! I have more reason to hate you than anyone. But I found myself daring to believe you. What I want to know brother, is will you stay with us and finish what you've started?
Robin Hood: I have a brother? I have a brother!
[hugs and holds Will]
Robin Hood: So I'll stand with you, side by side. Until the end.
Bull: Until the end!
Little John: We are all bloody in!
Friar Tuck: Damn buggers!
Robin Hood: We finish this.
[Robin is holding a struggling Little John by the neck in a river]
Robin Hood: Do you yield?
Little John: I can't bloody swim.
Robin Hood: Do you yield?
Little John: Yes.
Robin Hood: Good. Now put your feet down.
Duncan: Curse those Moors and Saracens. If it wasn't for their ungodly ways, master Robin would never have left. What manner of name is Azeem? Irish, Cornish?
[Azeem has delivered Fanny's breech baby]
Robin Hood: You truly are a great one.
Guy of Gisborne: Harboring felons, are you, milady?
Marian: They're thieves, you imbecile. They're stealing my horses.
Guy of Gisborne: Lucky they didn't steal your virtue as well.
Friar Tuck: Let us open a bottle and do our best to save each other's souls.
Azeem: Alas, I am not permitted.
Friar Tuck: Fine then, you talk, I'll drink.
[after causing Robin to fall in the river]
Will Scarlett: There was a rich man from Nottingham/ who tried to cross a river/ What a dope/ he tripped on a rope/ Now look at him shiver. Beg for mercy, rich man.
Robin Hood: I beg of no man, as you can see I have nothing, not even my sword.
Little John: Any man who travels with two servants and says he has no money, is either a fool or a liar.
Will Scarlett: Yeah, he's a liar.
[Robin has been knocked down once by John Little]
Robin Hood: Any suggestions?
Azeem: Get up. Move faster.
Robin Hood: Move faster. Great idea.
Robin Hood: You were to use this information to get close to me and then kill me, isn't that right, Will? What are your intentions?
Will Scarlett: Well, that depends on you Locksley. I've never trusted you, that's no secret. What I wanna know is, is are you gonna finish what you started? I want to know if he's gonna turn and run like the spoiled little rich boy I always took him for.
Robin Hood: Did I wrong you in another life, Will Scarlett? Where does this intolerable hatred for me come from?
Will Scarlett: From knowing that... that our father loved you more than me.
Robin Hood: Our father?
Will Scarlett: We are brothers, Robin of Locksley. I am the son of the woman who replaced your dead mother for a time.
Robin Hood: It's a lie!
Will Scarlett: It was your anger that drove them apart! It's not a lie! You ruined my life! I have more reason to hate you than anyone. Yet I found myself daring to believe in you. And what I want to know brother, is will you stay with us and finish what you started?
Will Scarlett: No. I'll do that. You cover us with your bow.
Robin Hood: No Will. It's too dangerous.
Will Scarlett: So is your aim.
Azeem: [holding Robin Hood back] Come my friend! Make his sacrifice an act of honor! Come now.
Marian: It's interesting to hear you say that.
Robin Hood: I didn't. My father did.
Marian: Did the holy quest erase your hatred of him?
Robin Hood: I don't know. All I know is that our last words in this world were spoken in anger. I was lost after my mother died. My father too, and for a short time he found comfort in the arms of another woman, a peasant woman. I thought he was betraying my mother's memory.
Marian: So he gave her up?
Robin Hood: For the love of a twelve-year-old boy who would never forgive him.
Robin Hood: Marian, I've returned to my home to find it destroyed, and my father murdered! And the only clues to why are in the ramblings of an old blind man.
Marian: But all I remember of you is a spoiled bully who used to burn my hair as a child.
Robin Hood: Please allow that years of war and imprisonment may change a man.
Marian: Robin, whatever happened between you and your father, you mustn't believe... what they accused him of.
Robin Hood: I don't.
Friar Tuck: [singing drunkenly] Old King Richard's gone to war, loves his wine and warring/But for those of us who stay at home, there's only beer and whoring/Play the music, dance the day, think not on tomorrow...
Guy of Gisborne: FRIAR! I'm sure you shall find it much more difficult to sing with a sword in your gullet!
Friar Tuck: Yes, my lord.
[laughs, to himself]
Friar Tuck: You pig.
[Azeem is preparing to help Fanny deliver a breech baby]
Robin Hood: What are you going to do?
Azeem: I have seen it many times... with horses.
Robin Hood: With *horses*?
[preparing to ambush two travelers in the forest]
Bull: You take the one on the left.
Much the Miller's Son: Which one's left?
[Bull wiggles his right hand]
Much the Miller's Son: Oh... which one are you taking?
Bull: What do you mean, which one am I taking? If you're taking the one on the left, I'm taking the one on the right.
Much the Miller's Son: Which one's right?
Bull: The one that...
[he pauses, confused]
Bull: We'll just jump out together.
[after Sarah and Marian get the better of Bull and his companion, they bring them to meet Robin]
Robin Hood: What happened to your eye, Bull?
Bull: We were set upon by, like, ten...
Much the Miller's Son: Uh, 12!
Bull: 15 large, big lads.
Sarah: Oh, yeah?
[the outlaws are passing a jug of mead around a circle; one of them finishes, then starts to pass the bottle past Azeem]
Robin Hood: Has English hospitality changed so much that a friend of mine's not welcome?
Hal: But he's a savage, sire.
Robin Hood: That he is... but no more than you or I. And don't call me sire.
[the woodsman offers the jug to Azeem]
Azeem: Regretfully, I must decline. Allah forbids it.
Little John: Your bloody loss, mate.
Guy of Gisborne: C'mon, damn you! There're only three of them!
Soldier: It's not the men we fear, sir. It's the evil spirits.
Guy of Gisborne: Robin of the Hood! Son of a devil worshipper! Your father died a coward, cursing your name and squealling like a stuck pig!
Azeem: You will bring no justice to your father by dying today.
[speaking of his father]
Robin Hood: He called the Crusades a foolish quest. He said it was vanity to force our religion upon other men.
Soldier: [after restraining Marian at daggerpoint] I've never seen the breasts of a noblewoman before.
Robin Hood: My father was no devil worshiper. And I'll have words with any man who says otherwise. But he's right. I was a rich man's son. When I killed the sheriff's men, I became an outlaw like you.
Will Scarlett: You are nothing like us.
Little John: That is Will Scarlet. Take no notice of him, he's full of piss and wind. Come on lads, drink up. Don't talk about so much bloody rubbish. This here is the best that we simple men can expect. Here we're safe. We are kings!
[after Robin defeats Little John, and asks for his father's medallion back]
Little John: Give me your name first.
Robin Hood: Robin of Locksley.
[the camera shifts to Will Scarlet, whose face suddenly clouds over]
Little John: Well, Robin of Locksley, you've got balls of solid rock.