Problem Child 2 (1991)
Trixie: You're gonna wish you'd never been born.
Junior: Ooh! I'm really scared. I'm being threatened by the Tidy Bowl girl!
Ben Healy: Junior, you remember Ms. Klaukinski.
Junior: How could I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.
[Junior is about to draw a mustache on a photo of Annie]
Trixie: I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Junior: If I were you I wouldn't do alot of things, like go out in public.
Ben Healey: Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
Junior Healy: I'm sure I'll take a few others down with me.
[after Junior shows the town a video of his babysitter and her boyfriend having sex]
Ben Healey: Junior, we're new here! Can't we at least attempt to fit in?
Junior Healey: What are you getting onto me for? I didn't do anything. I just watched it.
Ben Healey: Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
Junior Healey: I didn't hear any complaints.
[Trixie just tied up the players for the puppet show and continues it herself]
Trixie: [as Uncle Sam] Sorry about the delay folks, but we are having technical difficulties.
Trixie: Yeah I had to scratch my balls!
Mr. Thorn: [Junior enters his new classroom and the students begin laughing at him, while his new teacher Mr. Thorn walks over and rolls his eyes tiresomely] Oh, no. Not another one. How many kids are they going to make me teach?
[Junior hands Mr. Thorn his envelope]
Mr. Thorn: Well, get in here and find a seat. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on! Hustle, small fry. I'm not gonna have you holding up my class all year. now, let's move it!
[Junior sits down at his desk]
Mr. Thorn: Now, let's start with a nice easy review to see how much you underachievers remember from last year. Polly, what's 17 times 8?
[Bows rather smart and sits back down]
Mr. Thorn: Good. Richard, what's 72 divided by -9?
Richard: -8, sir.
[sits back down]
Mr. Thorn: Fine. Murph!
[cut to Murph picking his nose]
Mr. Thorn: Murph! What's 3 plus 2?
Murph: Mmmmm... 4.
Mr. Thorn: [sighs] Murph, you've been in the 6th grade since I started teaching here, I really want to get you out this year. Now, please, please work with me. What's 3 plus 2?
[Everyone laughs again as Mr. thorn closes his eyes in despair]
Mr. Thorn: I can see this is going to be a long year.
Junior: [angrily] 5, all right? The answer is 5!
Mr. Thorn: You!
[walks over to Junior's desk]
Mr. Thorn: What're you saying?
Junior: Uh, I said 5.
Mr. Thorn: Dandy, I'm glad someone's paying attention here.
Trixie: I think your dad likes my mom. Usually when a guy does that, I hit him with a car and I knock him down the stairs, I've gotta look out for her. But your dad, he doesn't bug me so much.
Junior: And you know something? Your mom doesn't bug me so much.
Trixie: What'd you want me to come over so late for?
Junior: I had this crazy idea. I think our parents should get married!
Trixie: What are you talking about? Your dad is taken!
Junior: Well you know what, he may have a sudden change in plans.
Ben Healy: Junior's getting worse, we can't even figure out what he did to that dog!
Ben Healy: Junior, now you get out of this car! You are going to school.
Junior: No way I'd rather eat a turd!
Murph: You don't know who you're talking to. I'm a senior student at this school.
Junior: No shit, you've been here since 1970.
Lawanda Dumore: Listen here you little monster! I am gonna marry your daddy. And then you'll be on the next plane to boarding school. In Baghdad!
Mr. Peabody: I'll have to call you back. I gotta deal with one of the little weenies right now.
[Hangs up phone and then talks through intercom]
Mr. Peabody: Send the little sweetheart in.
'Big' Ben Healy: [finds his own dog in a yard sale] Nippy, what the hell are you doing here? They're selling you for a nickel?
Junior: Ahh, finally I get some room in here.
'Big' Ben Healy: You little psycho, this time you've gone too far.
Junior: Ah, shut your trap.
'Big' Ben Healy: You're an evil boy. And you've gotta learn to respect your elders. If your old man won't teach you some manners, by god I will.
Voytek: [picks up phone] Hello?
Junior: Are you the guy that married Debbie Claukinski?
Voytek: [sobbing] Yes. She took my house, my money and my pride.
Junior: Well, I thought you'd like to know, she found herself a new guy, and their out at the St. Pierre club, having fun at your expense.
Voytek: Who is this?
Junior: Just call me... a friend.
[from the TV version]
Junior: Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots!
[from the TV version]
Junior: I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Mr. Peabody: Screw you pal! I can talk that way to anyone however I want!
Trixie: Junior, I'm sorry I squirted you with the fire hose.
Junior: That's okay, I'm sorry I made you barf on the Crazy Dance.
Junior: [thinking] I know I told dad *I* wouldn't hurt Lawanda, but I never said the dog couldn't.
'Big' Ben Healy: [in a tree, after falling out of the window] Help me! Help me!
Lawanda Dumore: What is that man doing?
'Big' Ben Healy: I'm 'Big' Ben Healy. I live here.
Lawanda Dumore: You live in that tree?
Junior: But my dad said the 3rd grade is the foundation of my education.
Mr. Peabody: Oh, your dad said that. Your dad is a Moron. He's a moron, you know what a moron is?, that's what your dad is.
[seeing his made-over bedroom]
Junior: Clowns! I hate clowns! This woman is busting my balls!
Ben Healy: Junior, we are new here in this community. Can't we, at least, attempt to fit in?
Junior: What're you getting angry at me for? I didn't do it. I just watched it.
Ben Healy: Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
Junior: I didn't hear any complaints.