Connie: Even in the old days he was known as an honest crook.
Dr. Thornton Poole: That's an oxymoron.
Connie: Gee, you shouldn't oughta said that, Doc.
Snaps: Yeah, leave Connie alone. He does the best he can.
Snaps: [removing Connie's many weapons] It's like disarming Germany.
Snaps: If it's Poole you want, it's Poole you'll get. But, Lisa, you've *got* to cross the finish line on this one! This is your third fiance today and it ain't even lunch yet!
Lisa Provolone: I'm not a little girl anymore! Look!
[opens robe to reveal nightie]
Snaps: Put that away, I'M YOUR FATHER!
Snaps: You're going to marry this bum, just as soon as I get my hands on him.
Lisa Provolone: Oh, Daddy, you changed your mind!
Snaps: What choice do I have, you tramp.
[hugs her back]
Snaps: And after the wedding, you'll move into a nice ground floor apartment.
Lisa Provolone: Why a ground floor apartment?
Snaps: Because after I break his legs, he's not gonna make it up any steps!
Dr. Thornton Poole: [about Snaps' daughter, Lisa] She seems to have such nicely rounded diphthongs!
Snaps: That's what got her into this jam!
Lisa Provolone: ...I wanna lay on the beach in Honolulu!
Snaps: Do whatever you want, just don't leave this room!
Snaps: [after stumbling over the classic elocution exercise, "Round the rough and rugged rocks the ragged rascal rudely ran."] Aw, it's no use, Doc. I'll never learn to speak good.
Dr. Thornton Poole: Do not despair, Mr. Provolon-e. We shall try a different tack.
[takes out a book and reads]
Dr. Thornton Poole: "Rocco the rum-runner rubbed out Rico the Rat with his Rosco for robbing his rum-running receipts."
Snaps: [repeats the sentence perfectly and enthusiastically]
Dr. Thornton Poole: You've got it!
Snaps: Well, sure! You finally came up with something that made sense!
Lt. Toomey, Chicago PD: A leopard don't change its stripes.
Officer Keough: You mean "spots."
Lt. Toomey, Chicago PD: [shouting] I mean Snaps!
Lisa Provolone: You kept me a prisoner up here - like Rapunzel.
Snaps: Well, you certainly ain't Snow White!
Sophia: Look at the example you've set! Filling the house with thugs, goons, and hit men!
Snaps: All right... sometimes I had to bring my work home with me.
Lisa Provolone: ...I want to go to the top of the Empire State Building!
Anthony Rossano: And what am I doing during all this? Babysitting Oscar's kid?
Lisa Provolone: You always this nasty?
Anthony Rossano: YES! Get used to it!
Lisa Provolone: [gasps] I'm marrying a brute! I never want to see your face again... until the wedding!
Anthony Rossano: That's fine with me! And separate honeymoons!
Lisa Provolone: Fine!
Anthony Rossano: See you in church!
Lisa Provolone: Hmph!
Snaps: [pointing to Anthony] Pop this guy!
Aldo: Boss! We can't have a stiff in the house with company coming!
Snaps: You're right. It ain't proper.
Anthony: All that travel must cut into your home life.
Dr. Thornton Poole: Well, I don't spend as much time with mother as I'd like. But she's got the cats.
Snaps: Let's get started, I got until noon to look like a banker.
Luigi Finucci: Oh, we make-a you look like a banker. Take off-a you pants.
Connie: I warned him, boss.
Aldo: Anthony said it was a matter of life and death, boss.
Snaps: And will you two mugs stop callin' me "boss"? It ain't respectable!
Connie: I got it! You daughter's not your daughter, and the cash that used to be the jewels is now your underwear!
Sophia: Now you fired the maid?
Snaps: No! She quit to marry Bruce Underwood!
Sophia: When did that happen?
Snaps: I don't know... somewhere between my vest and my pants.
[Poole is Mr. Provolone's grammar instructor]
Snaps: Mornin', Doc!
Dr. Thornton Poole: Mr. Provolon-e. Where are those G's?
Snaps: [slaps money bag] In here.
Anthony Rossano: When I took over, your books were a mess.
Snaps: They don't sound like they're in no great shape now!
Snaps: Damn, a double-negative.
Snaps: [begins choking Anthony] And just how do *you* know *my* daughter?
Anthony: [choking] We met at Club-33.
Snaps: [shouts] In a speakeasy?
Anthony: [choking] It's a very respectable speakeasy.
Snaps: You couldn't even pick one that bought *my* beer!
Snaps: [Theresa is looking for Anthony and is asking Snaps where she might find him] I may have an idea where he is.
Snaps: Closer than I thought. Now, I want you to stay here and don't come out. You owe me this, sister.
Connie: I thought she was your daughter.
Snaps: Shut up!
Snaps: Aldo, you're the witness.
[turns paper towards him]
Aldo: Aw, boss, you know the rules: Never witness nuthin'. You live longer.
Snaps: Just sign it!
Aldo: [signing] Louie the Lug was a witness, look what happened to him.
Snaps: What a day this turned out to be! Both my girls are getting married!
Sophia: [looks at Snaps suspiciously] What do you mean, "both"?
Snaps: [embraces her, indicates Theresa] Sophia, my wife, meet Theresa, my daughter.
Sophia: Your... daughter?
Snaps: I just found out myself.
Theresa: Me, too!
Sophia: If she's your daughter, then who is her mother?
Roxanne: I am.
Sophia: [shouts] You had a child with the new maid?
Overton: [the bankers have just walked into the foyer] Excuse me, have we come at a bad time?
Nora: Mr. Provolone! I'm leaving you to go to the Underwood's.
Snaps: Underwood's? You're going to work for Bruce?
Nora: I'm marrying Bruce.
Snaps: You're marrying Bruce? I found him first! I mean, for my daughter.
Nora: We met the day he called on Lisa. Oh, it was love at first sight.
Snaps: Congratulations... You're fired!
Nora: You can't fire me... I quit!
Snaps: [shouts as she leaves] Try gettin' a reference outta me, sister!
Snaps: Great! The maid gets a millionaire, and my daughter gets a chauffeur.
Kirkwood: I hate to say I told you so, but that's what we get for going into business with a crook!
Snaps: I'm a crook?
[standing up, buttoning his coat]
Snaps: You come into my house with your fine print and addendums and try to con me out of my dough? Geez, I'm used to dealing with mobsters, bootleggers, and gunzles, but you bankers... are scary.
Kirkwood: [rising out of the chair] I have never been so insulted in all my life.
Snaps: Wait. You're young yet.
Aldo: [dead pan] This day has been an emotional rollercoaster.
Father Clemente: Oh, by the way? Congratulations on your daughter marrying Bruce Underwood.
Sophia: Oh, I'm afraid there's been a change, Father. She's now marrying a nice Italian boy. Anthony Rosano.
Father Clemente: It's all for the better. Nothing like a big Italian wedding! Anthony Rosano!
Snaps: Well, forget Anthony, she's not marrying him any more.
Father Clemente: Well, that's a shame. But she's young. Someday she'll find the right one.
Snaps: She's found the right one.
Snaps: Doctor Poole!
Sophia: Doctor Poole?
Dr. Thornton Poole: [leans over railing] Hello!
Snaps: [to Poole] Get back in there!
Dr. Thornton Poole: Aldo is a treasure trove of linguistic anomolies.
Snaps: Now take Louie 'The Lug' McGurk. He died tragically at 25.
Anthony: I'm twenty five. What happened?
Aldo: Somebody stepped on his fingers.
Anthony: And that killed him?
Aldo: He was hanging from a window ledge of the Edison Hotel at the time.
Snaps: It's this music you kids listen to today! Bing Crosby, Cab Calloway... Don't think I haven't heard the lyrics to 'Minnie the Moocher.'
Snaps: Now this guy's willing to marry you - so be nice.
Lisa Provolone: [whining] But I want Oscar.
Snaps: I want him more than you do. But he's on the lam and Anthony's taking the rap for him.
Lisa Provolone: Thank you very much. Whatever happened to love? Whatever happened to romance?
Snaps: Whatever happened to waiting till the wedding night?
Aldo: Oh, Dr. Poole! Come on in. The boss been expecting you.
Dr. Thornton Poole: [chuckling] Aldo, do you realize what you just did?
Dr. Thornton Poole: You used the past participle without a modifier.
Aldo: I did? What's the rap on that?
Nora: I'm glad to be getting out of this house. From now on, I'll have servants of me own!
Snaps: You'll find out what a picnic that is!
[Nora grabs the wrong valise and exits]
Dr. Thornton Poole: Shocking insolence! I would have terminated her immediately.
Snaps: I can't do that anymore. Best I could do is fire her.
Oscar: I'm Oscar!
Snaps: Get rid of him!
Aldo: Right, boss.
[Oscar screams as he is forcibly removed]