Dr. Mainheimer: It's a terrible thing that's happened here, Lieutenant. I do hope you will find the people responsible.
Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane Spencer: He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken: Caucasian?
Jane Spencer: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Awfully big moustache.
Terence Baggett: [sniffs] What's that smell?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!
Quentin Hapsburg: Que sera sera... You do speak French, don't you?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Miss, I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, and this is Captain Ed Hocken, Police Squad.
Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well... it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?
Lt. Frank Drebin: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.
Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
[Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him]
Lt. Frank Drebin: [to everybody] I mean at the time I was dating a lot.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Looks like the cows have come home to roost.
Banquet Doorman: Your coat, sir?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, it is. And I have a receipt to prove it.
Quentin Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.
Lt. Frank Drebin: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.
Waiter: Telephone call, commissioner.
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Thank you.
[picks up phone]
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Hello?... He did what?... How many animals escaped?... Oh, my God...
Lt. Frank Drebin: Good evening, commissioner. You're looking lovely tonight.
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?
[Frank walks away, leaving Commissioner Brumford with an astonished face]
Dr. Mainheimer: [the entire audience is asleep] Now, to elaborate on point 102...
Ed Hocken: [hands him a book called "Strokin' The Love Muffin"] Here! Read this, it's an emergency.
Dr. Mainheimer: [starts reading] "His strong manly hands probed every crevice of her silken femininity, their undulating bodies writhing in sensual rhythm, as he thrust his purple-headed warrior into her quivering mound of love pudding."
[audience slowly wakes up]
Nordberg: All right, listen up everyone! I want you to calmly file towards the exits. That's it, that's it! Nobody runs, just walk. Single file. That's it. Now if we just stay calm, no one's gonna be harmed by the huge bomb that's gonna explode any minute.
[audience panics and runs everywhere]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Gimme the strongest thing you got.
[Waiter brings over a greased-up muscle man. Drebin flounders]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh... on second thought, how about a black Russian?
Waiter: Very well sir.
[raises eyebrow, looks at camera, shakes head and walks off]
[Frank meets Jane after a long time]
Lt. Frank Drebin: How are the children?
Jane Spencer: We didn't have any children.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, of course.
Jane Spencer: How was your prostate operation?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, good. Fine. Never been better.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Hector Savage. From Detroit. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.
Ed Hocken: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.
Nordberg: I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.
Lt. Frank Drebin: No you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.
Ed Hocken: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin.
Nordberg: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember it was North or South.
Lt. Frank Drebin: North. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia.
Ed Hocken: You sure know your boxing.
Lt. Frank Drebin: All I know is never bet on the white guy.
[Nordberg nods in agreement]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Real nice party, Hapsburg... I see a lot of familiar face-lifts.
[Lt. Frank Drebin is unhappy about Dr. Mainheimer]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Have you noticed anything different about him?
Jane Spencer: Well, only that he's a foot taller, and he seems to be left handed now... Frank, what are you trying to tell me? That Quentin has somehow found an exact double for Dr. Mainheimer and that tomorrow that double will give a fraudulent report to the president?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Why that's brilliant, that's a lot better than what I came up with.
Ed Hocken: [as Savage is surrounded] All right, Savage! What do you want?
Hector Savage: I want a car out front! Something fun. A Porsche! Then I want a plane ticket to Jamaica. And I want a nice hotel. No touristy place. Something really indicative of the people and their culture.
Ed Hocken: Can't do that, Savage! We're calling your bluff! Now put your hands on top of your head and come out!
[Lt. Frank Drebin making a speech at the White House]
Lt. Frank Drebin: ...blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to mean everything to me, I enjoyed it, well who wouldn't?
[Frank makes a speech at the White House]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I want a world where Frank Junior and all the Frank Juniors can sit under a shade tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean, and go into a 7-Eleven without an interpreter. I want a world where I can eat a sea otter without getting sick! I want a world where the democrats will put somebody up there worth voting for! I may not get there with you, but most of all, I want a world where I can wake up each morning with this woman, whom I love!
[Lt. Frank Drebin and Jane Spencer are standing next to a nuclear bomb which is about to explode]
Jane Spencer: Frank, if you're going to be blown to bits, I want to be here with you.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Go ahead, threaten me like you have the American people for so long! You're part of a dying breed, Hapsburg, like people who can name all fifty states! The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!
[Lt. Frank Drebin and Ed Hocken are in a sex shop making inquiries]
Lt. Frank Drebin: We're looking for Hector Savage. Where is he?
Busty Female Shop Assistant: Why should I tell you, copper?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleaze like this and the decent people of this town.
[a male shop assistant walks in from a back storeroom]
Sex Shop Assistant: Oh, hi, Frank. Say, we finally got that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that you ordered.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [to the Female Assistant; embarassed] It's a gift.
[at a bar]
Jane Spencer: Sam, would you play our song, just one more time?
Sam: Of course... DING DONG! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!
Dr. Mainheimer: You're thinking about him again, aren't you? What was his name? Frank?
Jane Spencer: Yes.
Dr. Mainheimer: You just can't forget him, can you?
Jane Spencer: Who?
Dr. Mainheimer: Frank!
Lt. Frank Drebin: [describing Jane; voice-over] I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.
Ed Hocken: Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!
Lt. Frank Drebin: You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman.
[Ed looks increasingly disgusted as Frank goes on]
Lt. Frank Drebin: You spend every possible waking moment together, while I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can't say no. Girls who can't get enough. "More, more, more. It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs... "
[Ed starts foaming at the mouth... literally]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I just want love, Ed.
Ed Hocken: I'm sure you'll... find love, Frank.
Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!
Quentin Hapsburg: Do you gamble?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Every time I order out.
Jane Spencer: I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.
Lt. Frank Drebin: There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.
Quentin Hapsburg: We'll be at the reception. Make sure nothing happens to him while I'm gone. Then, I want the pleasure of killing you myself.
Lt. Frank Drebin: The pleasure is all mine.
[Hapsburg nods, then frowns]
[after the explosion, Frank sees two bodies on the verge of death; he confronts one]
Lt. Frank Drebin: All right. Where is Hapsburg?
Explosion Thug #1: [groans in pain]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Where were you hit?
Explosion Thug #1: It's not that. You're on my groin!
Lt. Frank Drebin: [gets off] Oh. Sorry. All right, now! Where is he?
Explosion Thug #1: You're too late. Hapsburg has plan "B" in... In... In...
[dies before he continues]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Where? Where?
[drops the first thug]
Lt. Frank Drebin: All right. Who else is almost dead?
Explosion Thug #2: [raises his hand]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Okay, now.
[grabs the 2nd thug]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Talk!
Explosion Thug #2: You're too late, Drebin.
Lt. Frank Drebin: He already said that.
Explosion Thug #2: Where did he leave off?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh, "Hapsburg has plan "B" in...".
Explosion Thug #2: Oh, yeah. Hapsburg has plan "B" in... In...
Lt. Frank Drebin: Where? Where? Talk, you low-life scum!
Explosion Thug #2: Gee. If that's your attitude, forget it!
[he chokes and dies]
Quentin Hapsburg: Any final requests, Lieutenant?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Er, yes... Can I have the gun?
Quentin Hapsburg: Ohh no! I'm not going to fall for that one!
President George Bush: Frank, please consider filling a post I'm creating. It may mean long hours and dangerous nights, surrounded by some of the scummiest elements in our society.
Lt. Frank Drebin: You want me to be in your cabinet?
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a most special American. Tonight, he is being honoured for his 1000th drug-dealer killed.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [to applause] Thank you. But, in all honesty, the last three I backed over with my car. Luckily, they turned out to be drug-dealers.
Chief of Staff John Sununu: Thank you. Mr. President, tonight I am extremely proud to welcome our distinguished guests from the nation's energy suppliers. From the coal industry, chairman of the Society for More Coal Energy, or "SMOCE", Mr. Terence Baggett. Representing the oil industry, head of the Society of Petroleum Industry Leaders, better known as "SPIL", Mr. Donald Fenswick...
Donald Fenswick: [to applause] Thank you, thank you very much.
Chief of Staff John Sununu: And from the nuclear industry, president of the Key Atomic Benefits Office of Mankind - "KABOOM", Mr. Arthur Dunwell.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Congratulations, Ed! I hear Edna's pregnant again.
Ed Hocken: Yeah, and when I find the guy that did it...
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Ladies and gentlemen, we would now like to draw the first Door Prize of the evening - an all-expenses-paid trip to the Gilligan Islands!
[as Meinheimer flies out a window behind them]
Banquet Lady: For a man in a wheelchair, he certainly gets around marvellously.
Banquet Woman #1: Oh, I know!
[they look down as he crashes to the ground]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Dr. Mainheimer.
Earl Hacker: Yes?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Or should I say, Hacker!
[Frank rips off his fake mustache]
Earl Hacker: Drebin! Errrr...!
[Hacker gets up from his wheelchair and attempts to attack Frank, but Frank attacks him repeatedly making Hacker helpless]
Lt. Frank Drebin: [greeting the wheelchair bound Dr. Manheimer] Don't get up.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [on phone] Ed, I'm onto something big. I'm gonna need you and Nordberg tomorrow.
Lt. Frank Drebin: What's he doing in Detroit?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, send him plane fare and a new pair of pants.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: [having slapped a police officer because he pulled her over for running a red light] Ach, this happens every fucking time when I go shopping.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [Frank, Ed, and Nordberg are staking out Hapsburg's hideout.Frank is communicating with Ed Hocken by way of a walkie talkie] Ed, I'm gonna try the roof.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [after unsuccessfully attempting to scale the roof with a grappling hook] Ed, I'm gonna try it again.
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: [Drebin has just run a tank into a zoo, causing zoo animals to escape]
[on the phone]
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: He did what?
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: How many escaped?
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Oh my god.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Good evening Commissioner, you look lovely.
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: [angry] Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Isn't that the fault of the voters?
Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader!
[room turns silent]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I mean at the time... I was dating a lot.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [Waiter at Blue Note hands him a drink] I've got one already.
Waiter: It's from the lady
[Frank looks up. Jane waves at him from across the room]
Lt. Frank Drebin: [Sitting down again after making his way across the room] I just want someone to hold, someone to love.
Jane Spencer: [Interrupting him from a nearby table] Frank, I'm over here.
[Frank looks up and discovers that the table occupied by a man. The man looks at him tersely]