[to a waiter at a classy restaurant in Rome]
Butterfinger: C'mon, Pierre! Read my lips: steak burger! French Fries? This is France, you gotta have French Fries.
Almond Joy: Actually, it's Italy, Butterfinger... she said, as if it made a difference.
Butterfinger: Ah, to be in "Paree" and in love!
Cardinal: Oh, the Pope warned me never to trust the CIA!
Darwin Mayflower: History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!
Darwin Mayflower: I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!
Hudson Hawk: Betty Jo Bialowski? I can get you an address on that, if you want.
Hudson Hawk: You fuck my freedom for a lousy job?
Narrator: Long ago, the Duke of Milan commissioned a little known artist to erect a Mammoth statue of a horse. The time was 1481... The artist was Leonardo da Vinci... The guy on the donkey's just a guy on a donkey.
[Hawk has just decapitated a villain]
Hudson Hawk: Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July.
Hudson Hawk: But I want to do community service; I want to teach the handicapped how to yodel.
Hudson Hawk: If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt."
Tommy Five-Tone: Did I miss anything?
Hudson Hawk: Gates tries to blackmail me, you ask me "Did I miss anything." Gates gets killed, you say "Did I miss anything." I bet you went up to Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theatre and said "How was the show? Did I miss anything?"
Hudson Hawk: Is looking like a constipated warthog a prerequisite for getting a job in the art world?
Darwin Mayflower: So, Hawkmeister. We've got you clothes, a great hotel and a 250,000 lira per diem.
Minerva Mayflower: That's 200 dollars a day. So he can get a hooker and some tequila? Veto, Darwin!
Hudson Hawk: I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.
Waiter: I am the waiter, sir.
Hudson Hawk: Oh. Very nice. Fettucini con fungi porcinni. Prego. Oh, and bring me a bottle of ketchup, will ya?
Anna: You heard him.
Waiter: Ketchup! Ketchup! Stupid Americanos, always ketchup...
Darwin Mayflower: The last ingredient in the recipe is Da Vinci's model of a helicopter...
Minerva Mayflower: ...on display for three days only at the Louvre in Paris.
Hudson Hawk: As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?
Darwin Mayflower: If Da Vinci was alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.
Hudson Hawk: Will you play Nintendo with me?
Anna: I can't think of anyone I'd rather play Nintendo with.
Darwin Mayflower: I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career.
Darwin Mayflower: You New York Italian, father-made-twenty-bucks-a-week son of a bitch.
Anna: He's definitely gonna steal the Codex. I can feel it. I'm not sure when.
Cardinal: Attempt to steal, you mean. The vanity in this man Hudson Hawk! The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey.
Anna: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been 1,200 hours since my last confession.
Cardinal: [yawning] Hit me with your best shot.
Anna: I betrayed a man. A good man. An innocent man. A thief.
Hudson Hawk: Hey, this doesn't taste like cappuccino.
Anna: Oh. I guess I put too much ethyl chloride in it.
Darwin Mayflower: Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be GOLD!
Minerva Mayflower: Bunny, ball ball.
Anna: [drugged] I'm not a very good damsel in a dress, am I?
Anna: Pay the rent!
Anna: But I can't pay the rent!
[makes more dolphin noises]
Darwin Mayflower: Yo, Flipper! "Damsel in distress" implies that there is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right galloping up to save you. It ain't gonna happen, see? Hudson Hawk go boom-boom.
Anna: [drugged] I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!
Anna: [after Hawk learns she is a nun] It doesn't mean I don't love you.
Hudson Hawk: Oh, no! You love me! It's your *job*! You probably love Butterfinger over there.
Anna: Well, yeah, in a weird sort of Catholic way, I do.
[Tommy Five-Tone is miraculously alive at the end of the film]
Hudson Hawk: You're supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill!
Tommy Five-Tone: Airbags! Can you fucking believe it?
Anna: You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh!
Tommy Five-Tone: Sprinkler system set up in the back! Can you *fucking* believe it?
Hudson Hawk: How am I driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fuckin'-die!
Anna: In one day - less than one day of planning, and you did it. You started the week by stealing the Sforza and ended by swiping the Codex. What are your plans for the weekend? Hoisting away the Coliseum? Tell me, did the Devil make you do it, or did Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?
Hudson Hawk: Can't we just go back to the kissing part?
Darwin Mayflower: What can I tell you? I'm the villain.
Almond Joy: I knew this is what I'd get for darting a nun!
Narrator: With the world saved and the secrets of Da Vinci protected, Eddie finally got his coffee.
Tommy Five-Tone: That doughnut-hole-eating, son-of-a-bitch, take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer, rat bastard!
Hudson Hawk: Reindeer Goat Cheese Pizza?
George Kaplan: [as the limo goes over the cliff] MY PENSION!
[to the two museum guards who wanted to catch Hawk and Five-Tone and fell]
Big Stan: Get up, you're embarrassing me!
Darwin Mayflower: Waldo, 100 million clams! Yes!
Auctioneer: That's 100 millon dollars to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
Minerva Mayflower: 100 million and one, Waldo!
Auctioneer: Fantastic! 100 million dollars and one.
Darwin Mayflower: Outbid by mine own wench! Quelle bummere!
Minerva Mayflower: Don't hate me baby!
Snickers: [leaping around, desperately trying to remove the time bomb stuck to his forehead] Get this fucking thing off my head!
Hudson Hawk: Hey Tommy, look at Snickers.
Tommy Five-Tone: Yeah, he's about to have a bad migraine.
[the timer runs out. Nothing happens]
Snickers: Maybe it was a dud.
[the bomb beeps, and Hawk and Tommy jump out the window just as it explodes, taking Snickers and Almong Joy with it]
Gates: So, when's this Sebastian Cabot Buckingham Palace-looking butler-head motherfucker getting here?
Alfred: [Alfred enters through door] Any minute now, Mr. Gates.
Gates: [sardonic] Sorry, 'Jeeves'.
Hudson Hawk: They had the worst ketchup when I was in prison.
[freezes, realizing his slip]
Hudson Hawk: [struggling] ... I was the warden...?
Anna: Wow. You were... in the joint. Doing... hard time. You know, it's funny, but that excites me. I seem to have a thing for sinners.
Hudson Hawk: Well, I seem to have a thing for sinning.
Hudson Hawk: Check please.
Hudson Hawk: The man knows! The man knows!
[looking down from the roof of the auction house when escaping the guard]
Hudson Hawk: I can't tell you how happy I am that we covered our tracks.
Tommy Five-Tone: [to Hawk] You know they invented something while you were inside? It's called "the watch".
[Anna, Tommy and Hudson Hawk are passing by the Forum Romanum]
Hudson Hawk: What's with all these stones in people's back yard?
Tommy Five-Tone: That is called ruins...
Hudson Hawk: Anthony Mario, Cesar Mario. I didn't know the circus was in town.
Cesar Mario: So, Hawk, why won't you do the Auction House?
Hudson Hawk: Call me superstitious, Cesar, but I don't like committing a crime within 24 hours of getting out of the joint.
Cesar Mario: Come on, Hawk. It's one night;s work, you take their thingy and put it in this thingy.
Hudson Hawk: Directions even your brother can understand.
Antony Mario: Yeah! Directions even I can understand...
Cesar Mario: [slaps Anthony on the shoulder] Shut up!
Cesar Mario: Look, Hawk, if you wanna go straight, open up a hardware store and sell spatulas, be my guest.
Hudson Hawk: You know, if the Marios weren't the 3rd largest crime family in New York I'd say "Kiss my Ass" but considering your status I'm gonna say "Slurp my Butt."
Tommy Five-Tone: [walks over with a bottle of wine] Have you ladies sampled our fine house wine? I think you'll enjoy it.
Antony Mario: Beat it Tommy, huh? No Dionsaurs allowed.
Tommy Five-Tone: [smashes the bottle over Anthony's head] Here!
Cesar Mario: [holds back his men from going after Tommy and Hawk] Stop! Let's go.
Hudson Hawk: [after throwing Butterfinger head first into the phone booth] Want a little more, Jumbo? I'll kick your big flabby ass!
George Kaplan: Impressive, Hawk. Enjoying Italy?
Hudson Hawk: [rubs his chin after being hit in the face] Yeah.
George Kaplan: Yes, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first bare-handed strangulation here. Communist politician.
Hudson Hawk: Why George, you big softie.
George Kaplan: God, I miss Communisim. The Red Threat, people were scared... the agency had some respect, and I got laid every night. Snickers, brief him.
Snickers: Good news Hawk, the Mayflowers have moved up the timetable, you're hitting the Vatican tonight.
Hudson Hawk: Oh no! No no, hold on, no way! The timing is off, I'm underequipped, and besides that, I've got a date.
Almond Joy: [grabs Hudson's list and reads it] Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps? Gee stud, this's going to be some date! No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
George Kaplan: Snickers, make that list happen. Oh, and Hawk, it's one thing to mess with the Mayflowers, but we're sore losers. We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy are nothing more than... a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao.
[He and Snickers walk away]
Hudson Hawk: Hey! Old man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally-Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!
[Kit Kat has been standing behind him, mimicking his tirade. Hawk finishes, and elbows Kit Kat in the face. Kit Kat hands Hawk a card]
Hudson Hawk: [reading] "Beware the blue wire."
[Hawk looks up and does a double take to see Kit Kat has disappeared, and Butterfinger handing him 100 stamps]
Butterfinger: Hey Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.
Hudson Hawk: [imitating BooBoo] Good, Yogi.
[Kit Kat rappels down next to Hawk and holds an index card in front of his face, on which is written: "MY NAME IS KIT KAT. THIS IS NOT A DREAM." Then he chops Hawk on the back of the neck and walks off. Next, Snickers appears and shocks Hawk with a taser]
Hudson Hawk: OW! What the fuck is the matter with you?
Snickers: Name's Snickers. Your plane leaves in forty.
[He walks off. A crate falls open and a woman appears]
Almond Joy: Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars. It's better than when we first started out, our code names were diseases. Do you know what it's like being called Chlamydia for a year? Whoops, forgot.
[She backfists Hawk in the face and walks off. Then a huge man steps out of a port-o-potty, catches his jacket in the door and tips the port-o-potty over trying to get free]
Butterfinger: The name's Butterfinger.
Hudson Hawk: No shit.
George Kaplan: [appears] Do you like the Company's new look? I call them the MTV-IA.
Almond Joy: George, you promised: no old CIA/new CIA jokes.
George Kaplan: Punks. They think that the Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea and that the Cold War has something to do with Penguins.
Hudson Hawk: Don't I know you?
George Kaplan: The last time you saw me, I was bald, with a beard and no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.
Hudson Hawk: My high school science teacher?
George Kaplan: [laughs] I'm the guy who tricked you into robbing the government installation, and then had you sent to prison for it.
Hudson Hawk: George Kaplan.
[Hawk rushes toward him to strangle him, and is instantly surrounded by guns]
Hudson Hawk: Ha-ha... I'm not the type to hold a grudge, George.
Snickers: Guys, we got some good news and some bad news.
Almond Joy: The good news is, you'll be completely un-paralyzed in about two minutes.
Snickers: The bad news is, that only leaves you five seconds to defuse the bombs.
[Snickers fires a time bomb at the wall, it starts counting down from 2:05. He and Almond Joy laugh]
Snickers: I'm so glad it had to end like this. I'll just shoot one in the kitchen for good measure...
George Kaplan: I want to make it up to you, kid. That's why I got you this gig. And in the words of the late, great Karen Carpenter, "we've only just begun."
George Kaplan: My employer wants a meeting.
Hudson Hawk: Your employer? The President?
George Kaplan: No, somebody powerful.
[looks over Hawk's shoulder]
George Kaplan: Good God! What's that?
Hudson Hawk: [laughs] Now, George, you don't really expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?
George Kaplan: [chuckles] Shucks, I guess not.
[punches Hawk unconscious]
Darwin Mayflower: Listen, Hawk, this might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of nineteen, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones. But now, finally, I've got myself a new goal... World domination!
Tommy Five-Tone: I hated cigarettes until I saw my first NO SMOKING sign. Keep off the grass? Let's play soccer. The law I cared for was friendship. I broke that one too, didn't I.
Minerva Mayflower: Darwin, this is supposed to be torture, not therapy.
Gates: I went to a lot of trouble to get this for you! Now where the hell's my cut?
[Alfred pops one of his knives and slashes Gates's throat. Gates falls down dead]
Alfred: So much for his "cut."
Alfred: Forgive my dry British humor.