Rose Lindsey: Sue Ellen, have you ever had a 48 hour orgasm?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: No, I've never been to Santa Barbara.
[after being told to do the dishes, and using them as clay pigeons]
Kenny Crandell: Dishes are DONE, man.
Rose Lindsey: Why don't you go on home, have a glass of wine and put some cucumber slices on your eyes, you'll feel much better.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well, I'm all out of cucumbers.
Rose Lindsey: Sue Ellen, every girl over twenty-five should have a cucumber in the house.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I'm right on top of that Rose.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: You guys spent over $3,000 of the company's petty cash?
Zach Crandell: [sheepishly] Uh... yeah.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: You're grounded! Until Mom returns, you are ALL grounded! How could you steal from me? You never would have stolen money from Mom!
Zach Crandell: That's because Mom never had that much.
Kenny Crandell: Now, wait a minute, Swell. They didn't steal. They "borrowed". They were following your irresponsibility.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh, shut up Kenny! I am in deep shit here!
Melissa Crandell: Then quit your job. You were never good at it anyway.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I can't quit now. I'm an embezzler. I am officially an embezzler! Rose or someone is gonna find that money gone and when they do, they'll lock me up and throw away the key!
Walter Crandell: Nah, the judge will probably go easy on you considering that you're a minor.
[standing in front of Mrs. Sturak's unmarked grave]
Mortuary Worker: I'm gonna miss her.
Mortuary Worker: Miss her? You never even knew her! We never knew her name.
Mortuary Worker: Yeah, but she left us all that money in her clothes, right?
Mortuary Worker: I guess. Oh, well. Hey, you wanna go to Vegas again this weekend?
Mortuary Worker: Sure. You got any more money left?
Rose Lindsey: Where is Carolyn?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Mouse brown hair, gives you a headache? Talks like she's chewing her face?
Rose Lindsey: That's her.
Walter Crandell: She doesn't look dead.
Zach Crandell: That's because it just happened. So you can't really tell, like on "MacGyver".
Mrs. Sturak: Time for little boys to be in bed.
Zach Crandell: Can't you see I'm in the middle of a date?
Mrs. Sturak: [Opening the car door and tossing Cynthia out] And time for little trollops to go home!
Walter Crandell: [at the hospital with a broken leg] I fell off the roof!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: [glares at Kenny] What was he doing on the roof, Kenny?
Kenny Crandell: I don't know, I wasn't with him, but I should've been! I mean not on the roof, but I should've been keeping an eye on him, spending quality time with him, reading Green Ham and Eggs to him or some shit like that.
Dr. Permutter: [about Kenny] Is he your son too?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: No, he's my stepson.
Kenny Crandell: Yeah, that's why we don't always get along.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Go get that tape measure thing out of the garage.
Kenny Crandell: Will you stop ordering us around? You're not the babysitter.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: That's right, Kenny. The babysitter is dead. So just do it!
Rose Lindsey: Don't feel overwhelmed, just do one thing at a time.
Zach Crandell: We told you to talk to her. We didn't want you to send her to the glue factory.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I didn't kill her, Zach. She died in her sleep.
Melissa Crandell: Probably choked on her whistle.
Kenny Crandell: Um... what should we do with her body?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Call an ambulance, call the cops, I don't know. Well... I mean they're gonna come and get her and they're gonna ask us a lotta questions...
Kenny Crandell: They'll probably blame us.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: [scared of the thought] They'll definitely call Mom!
Melissa Crandell: SHE'LL blame us.
Kenny Crandell: Yeah, she'll hop the next flight home and then be in our faces.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I don't want Mom to come home.
Zach Crandell: I don't either.
Melissa Crandell: No way.
Walter Crandell: Me too.
Mom: [catching Zach taking money from her wallet] Zach! Put it back. If you need money, ask first.
Zach Crandell: Okay then, can I have ten dollars?
Mom: Forget it!
Kenny Crandell: This place is a crock! We're never gonna make it through the summer. Man, I'm gonna hold up at Lizard's.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh, that's real brotherly of you Kenny. Always taking the easy way out. Don't you have any pride?
Kenny Crandell: No.
Melissa Crandell: I got an idea. When our food runs out, we can eat Elvis.
[the dog Elvis runs out of the room]
[picking up phone and shouting]
Kenny Crandell: What?
Kenny Crandell: Oh, how ya doin Mom? Yeah, no everythings fine. No, Mrs. Sturak's not here. She um, she went to the yarn store. Yeah, she's crocheting this massive doily for the couch! I... I gotta go Mom.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Did you burn something?
Kenny Crandell: Yeah, well, maybe if you'd called and told me you were gonna be, like... three-and-a-half hours late, I could've planned my dinner better.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I had to work late, OK?
Kenny Crandell: You still should've called. I sat and I waited. I went ahead and I fed the kids. I worked all day on that casserole.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Sorry.
Kenny Crandell: You haven't even said how nice the house looks. You're off at the office all day doing interesting office things. I'm stuck here cooking and cleaning and mowing the lawn, helping Melissa with her fastball, being a role model for Zach, spending quality time with Walter, doing your party shit! You've got the car and you don't even take me anywhere anymore. And when was the last time we went out to dinner together, huh? You know what, I'm sick and tired of not being appreciated!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I appreciate you.
Kenny Crandell: Eat shit!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I don't believe this! I have to get up at 5:30 every morning so I can beat rush hour traffic into the city and go sit behind a desk for eight hours a day and miss Oprah Winfrey everyday on my summer vacation. And then, I get to drive home in gridlock IN A VOLVO with no air conditioning just so I can take care of you guys and put food on the damn table! It's a rat race and it sucks, Kenny. So what do you want, a medal?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh come on, you don't have to do all this. I mean, I never asked you to whisk the couch.
Kenny Crandell: Well, it needed it.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I feel so guilty, I should've been nicer.
Kenny Crandell: Yeah, she was a great baby sitter.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: One of us has to get a job.
Kenny Crandell: Well I'm not gonna.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well we don't have a choice. We'll flip for it
[takes out a fozen pizza]
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Mama Celeste face up, I go to work, Mama Celeste face down, we're selling carnations on a freeway off ramp.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: [searching the house for the money] She must've had it on her!
Melissa Crandell: Well it's ours! Go back and get it from the old hag!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh yeah, we'll just go down there and say "excuse me, we left our money on dead baby sitter". No way!
Zach Crandell: It was petty cash, YOU were spending petty cash.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Zach, I bought a pair of boots and a magazine, you bought a home entertainment center!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I am NOT working at the big top from hell for pocket money. My mom's away and I have my brothers and sister to take care of and nobody's going to hire a kid to do anything that's not disgusting.
Melissa Crandell: You promised to sign me up for baseball.
Mom: Little League will be there next year.
Melissa Crandell: So will Australia.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Look, we are a family of felons. Our summer freedom's going to be a winter prison unless I get some help around here. I want the house spick-and-span by Saturday night or I'm turning us all in. Are you with me?
Kenny Crandell: Guys, what do you say?
Kenny Crandell: Yeah? Come on, guys, what do you say?
Kenny Crandell: YEAH! We're with you, Sue, ROCK AND ROLL!
Bryan: Not exactly your dream job, eh?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Got that right. You think I woke up this morning and said, 'Gee, I'd love to scrub fat vats! I'd love to smile and work with raw meat'?
Bryan: I'd respect your privacy more if you weren't so secretive.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well I'd tell you more if you didn't want to know so much.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: You couldn't even mow the lawn today, you're worthless! I am doing EVERYTHING around here AND I'm trying to get ready for a date. When are you going to start helping me you lazy little punk?
Melissa Crandell: How come you gotta go?
Mom: Because, I have had a very rough 37 years, and I need a break.
Melissa Crandell: You promised you'd sign me up for baseball!
Mom: Little League will be there next year.
Melissa Crandell: So will Australia! I wish Dad was around.
Mom: No you don't.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Melissa, it was your turn to take out the trash this week.
Melissa Crandell: Well I couldn't fit it into my schedule.
Kenny Crandell: [after pot plant falls off window sill] Fuck!
Carolyn: River Ridge Hospital is on line for you, it seems there's been an emergency with your son.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh!... My son!
Rose Lindsey: Your son?
Gus: Your son?
Melissa Crandell: We have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to tidy up the garage!
Kenny Crandell: What are we going to do for cash for the next two months?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: What about a garage sale?
Kenny Crandell: We live in the boonies.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: What about calling Dad?
Kenny Crandell: Dad doesn't care.
Zach Crandell: What about blackmailing Dad?
Melissa Crandell: What about donating blood? Don't they pay you for that?
Kenny Crandell: You have to be over 18.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well, there goes our great summer.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: What do you want from me? You want me to call Mom back? Because I can.
Kenny Crandell: No.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: You want to call Aunt Pat or go crawling to one of Mom's semi-wretched friends?
Kenny Crandell: No!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Alright. We don't need a warden, we don't need somebody telling us when to eat and sleep and vacuum. We can still have a great summer, we just have to work together.
Kenny Crandell: [to Sue Ellen about their mom] Stay away from her, she's in one of her Terminator moods.
Walter Crandell: [Kenny serves burnt black Belgian waffles] Doesn't look like Julia's.
Kenny Crandell: Shut up, quizzoid, and eat.
Mom: Kenny, get back here, RIGHT NOW!
Kenny Crandell: [in the back of his friends' pickup] I'll do it later, Mom, I promise!
Mole: Isn't your mom leaving for like, months?
Kenny Crandell: Oh shit, you're right.
Kenny Crandell: BYE MOM, HAVE A BLAST!
Mom: [dryly] Right.
Kenny Crandell: [hand signs] ROCK AND ROLL!
Walter Crandell: [watching a game show, trying to guess the answer] Alaska... Alaska... Alaska container... Alaska... spill.
[Mrs Sturak turns the TV off]
Walter Crandell: Hey! I was watching that!
Mrs. Sturak: TV rots your brains!
[picks up first volume of the encyclopedia and tosses it to Walter]
Mrs. Sturak: Go to your room! I expect a complete report tomorrow morning on the life of the aardvark!