Another You (1991)
[Last line (after credits)]
George: Don't ever call my friend a "shithead" again, OK?
Wax Frankenstein: [stands still pretending to be a statue, then moves and places a hand on George's chest] Hi, how ya doin'?
George: Waaahhh! Ahhhh!Aaaaaaaahhhh!
[runs off, flailing his arms]
Eddie Dash: George? George!
[backhands Frankestein on the chest]
Eddie Dash: Damn you! You see what you did to my friend? You big, green, fuck!
Eddie Dash: [beginning lines, the Tri-Star advertisement music begins playing, we see a stallion galloping onto the screen towards the Tri-Star logo] Easy boy, steady.
Eddie Dash: [the stallion sprouts wings and leaps and flies over the Tri-Star logo] Wait? Whoa! Fuckin' wings? What's goin' on?
Eddie Dash: [loud crashs, bangs, pots and pans hitting the floor than coming to a silence] Fuckin' white horse!
Eddie Dash: [Eddie and George are in a duck blind, waiting for the ducks to fly overhead] Steady, Steady, Now!
George: [waving his arms] Fly away! Fly away! There are men with guns here! Fly Away! Go back to your families!
Eddie Dash: Why'd you do that?
George: To keep a harmless creature from suffering a horrible fate, and to keep you from suffering a life of heartache and guilt!
Eddie Dash: They're just ducks!
George: They're not just ducks, they're creatures just like you and me!
Eddie Dash: They're not like you and me! They fly all over and they *shit* on people!
Eddie Dash: Wow! I'm in love. You're a fox, baby. Not just a fox, but the fox of foxes! If I was a hound dog, you wouldn't stand a chance. I'd be snappin' at you. Day and night. I'm a snapper.
Elaine: [Elaine undresses] Give it a whirl, Abe.
George: Well, I like, I want to, I want to...
Elaine: You want to say something to me?
George: Yes, I do and I want to be completely honest and get this off your chest. I mine, get this off your breast. I mean, my breast. Get this, off my chest.
Elaine: Give it a try.
George: [paralyzed with fear from the angry doberman barking ferciously in the car window, with it's paws on the car door] Eddie?
Doberman Dog: Bark!
Doberman Dog: Bark!
Doberman Dog: Bark!
Doberman Dog: Bark!
Doberman Dog: Bark!
Doberman Dog: Bark!
Eddie Dash: [Eddie leans out the window to shout to the angry dog, Duane, that is stopping George from getting out of the car] Hey, Duane. Give the man a break. Come on! Hey, I'll let you hump my leg. Come on, baby.
Eddie Dash: [Duane takes off]
Eddie Dash: It's all right George, you can come out now.
Eddie Dash: [still holding the saxophone, Eddie looks around making sure no one sees, then bends down and turns off the boom box playing the saxophone music. He picks up his hat with all the change people have dropped in it and shakes it]
Eddie Dash: Hey Andy! Drinks are on the house!
[Eddie enters the bar]
Al: Abe didn't say he was bringing a friend
[nods to Eddie as he is sitting down, not bothering to shake Eddie's outstretched hand]
Al: . Hi, I'm Al.
Eddie Dash: Hi.
[hand still outstretched, looks at it, confused when Al doesn't shake his hand]
Al: So Abe? Where ya been all this time? Last I heard you were down in the jungle area someplace.
George: [looks to Eddie] Eddie...
Al: Something the matter, Abe?
Eddie Dash: No, nothing's wrong Al! My man just doesn't like to talk...
Al: [interrupts] Hey, I'm askin' Abe.
[looks back to George, awaiting an answer]
Eddie Dash: Well, he can't talk about it right now. But I Can.
Al: Hey! Butt out, shithead!
George: [nervously shakes his head] Eddie, Eddie...
Eddie Dash: Listen Al...
Al: [interrupts again] Hey! butt out, shithead! I'm talkin' to A, mmmmpphhh!
[George has clamped his hand over Al's face and is nose to nose with Al]
George: I don't like it when you call my friend a shithead!
[has not released his hold on Al's face]
George: And if you do it one more time, I'll cut your fuckin' balls off! Which is something I'm very good at!
[releases Al's face]
George: Say K!
Al: K! K! Su... Sure Abe!
George: You lookin' at me?
Al: No, no! Sure thing Abe!
[looks towards the ceiling]
George: Now I know you came to bring us a bunch of money, and all that shit!
Eddie Dash: But...
[interrupts Eddie from interjecting]
George: But! Don't call my friend a shithead again!
[looks back to Al]
George: Now you can talk!
George: [silence between the three, then George puts a hand on Al's shoulder] Look,
[looks to Eddie]
George: , just don't call him...
[Al shakes his head nervously]
George: all right. Maybe I had you pegged wrong.
Al: I'm sorry, I...
Eddie Dash: Hey, no big thang! You know, people call me shithead all the time! Just like if you were bringing me a lot of money, and you handed it to me and said, here shithead,
[Al nervously shakes his head no, not wanting to set George off again]
Eddie Dash: you know what I would say? Thank you, Al!
George: Eddie, lemmie kiss Elaine goodbye...
Eddie Dash: [whispering] Nah, shhhh! You'll wake her up!
George: [whispering] just one kiss, I won't wake her up.
[Bends down, kisses Elaine's forehead. Elaine slightly stirs, then goes back to sleep]
George: . Oh, look at her, isn't she cute?
Eddie Dash: Shhh! come on let's go!
[hands George something]
George: What is this?
Eddie Dash: Shhhh! This is your gun!
[hands George a large two-barreled shotgun]
George: Oh, I could never shoot a gu... yipe!
[George drops the shotgun which discharges, destroying a large vase]
[Elaine, thinking she is under attack, rolls to the other side of the bed and onto the floor]
Elaine: HOLY SHIT!
[Elaine's head slowly appears at the side of the bed, nervously whispers]
Elaine: George? What happened, are you all right?
George: [whispers] Sorry, honey!
Eddie Dash: [gritting his teeth] Fuckin' lunatic!
Rupert Dibbs: Listen, I want to know who you are, and I mean Right Now!
Eddie Dash: Well who the fuck are you?
Eddie Dash: Elaine?
Eddie Dash: Look, I'm Abe Fielding's BEST FRIEND asshole!
Rupert Dibbs: Oh come on!
Eddie Dash: What, you think you can just come in here and talk to me like I'm shit?
Rupert Dibbs: You wouldn't even know Abe Fielding if you were talking to him! Elaine?
Eddie Dash: Wait, are you Abe Fielding?
Rupert Dibbs: No I'm not. Elaine? I'm Rupert Dibbs, I run Abe Fielding's business.
George: [George has been listening to the bickering between Eddie and Rupert and now pops out from where he was hiding] Dibsy!
Rupert Dibbs: Abe? Abe!
George: You ol' duffer! Howsa the boy!
Rupert Dibbs: My God, you're back!
George: Long time no see Pal! Eddie,
[George puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder]
George: I bet you thought this was Abe Fielding, huh?
Eddie Dash: yeah...
George: Well, you know how I knew he wasn't Abe Fielding?
Eddie Dash: No.
George: [leans into Eddie's ear and shouts] BECAUSE I'M ABE FIELDING!
Eddie Dash: [Eddie rubs his ear] Oh! Abe! Howsa the boy!
[looks to Rupert]
George: Come on Dibsy, give me a wet one!
Rupert Dibbs: A what?
[George kisses him on the cheek]
Rupert Dibbs: Ah, ah ha!
[He kisses George back playing along]
Rupert Dibbs: Well what do you expect, you run off to God knows where, you don't write, you don't let anyone know where you are going, leaving me to run things...
George: Oh, no lectures, no lectures!
Rupert Dibbs: Well? What do you expect? You let everyone think you were dead!
George: All right, all right! Come on, have a drink with me!
Rupert Dibbs: I... I don't drink.
George: Geez, I still can't get this guy to take a drink! By the way, Rupert, this is my best friend, Eddie.
Rupert Dibbs: Elaine!
Eddie Dash: No, Eddie.
Elaine: Rupert! What are you doing here?
Rupert Dibbs: Well, I had actually come to see you, but now that Abe is back, I actually need him to sign a few papers.
Rupert Dibbs: All right. Abe, if you would just...
George: You want my Abe Fielding on that?
Rupert Dibbs: Yes.
Rupert Dibbs: Sign here... and here.
Eddie Dash: Bail money? You want me to run your rinky dink little scam for bail money?
George: [singing] Be kind to your web-footed friends, for a duck maybe somebody's mother...
Eddie Dash: Would you knock it off with the web-footed friends shit?
George: Oh, I'm sorry Eddie, I'm just thinking about all those poor little ducks!
Eddie Dash: Wait!
Eddie Dash: I heard something.
Eddie Dash: It was a bear!
[George runs away a short distance, then looks back at Eddie]
Eddie Dash: [loading his shotgun] Hold on, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get it
George: Oh! Eddie, you're right! There is a bear!
Eddie Dash: I know, I'm gonna...
[Eddie hears a roar behind him, and slowly turns around to see a large kodiak bear standing behind him]
Eddie Dash: Aaaaaaahhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
George: [hands raised, walking toward the bear] Don't worry, Eddie, Don't worry.
Eddie Dash: Ahhhhhhh! He's gonna rip off your dick!
George: [hands still raised] We want to express... Love, to you.
[the bear still is standing, looking at George]
George: Now, if you can understand what I'm saying, wave your right paw
[the bear waves his right paw growling]
George: and now the left one
[the bear waves the left paw and growls]
George: We just came from the cabin a little while ago, and saw some of your friends stuffed, and let me tell you we were pretty sick by it...
George: [the bear waves his paw and growls] Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, rest assured, Eddie and I would never harm any of God's creatures like that.
Eddie Dash: George, get the fuck out of the way, I'm gonna shoot it!
George: [George raises his hands and starts walking back towards Eddie] No Eddie, don't shoot. Don't shoot!...
[the camera pans back to Rupert, who has been listening to George and Eddie via a hidden microphone on George's hunting jacket. Rupert looks down at a complete file makeup of George as Abe Fielding, sighs, and closes the folder]
Rupert Dibbs: [Elaine sits in Rupert's office, crying] Stop it. Please, will you stop it? I didn't say you didn't have some... limited acting ability.
Elaine: Limited acting ability? Listen bub, these are *real* tears here!
Rupert Dibbs: Regardless of your acting ability, he still left!
Elaine: Listen, you can't take some guy off the street and convince him to be Abe Fielding. I'm very technical...
Rupert Dibbs: [slams his hand down on the desk] That was not the job!
[Elaine gives Rupert an icy stare of contentment]
Rupert Dibbs: [Rupert takes a calmer tone] You're job was to entice them, hmm? To make them *want* to be Abe Fielding. But you've got these guys running away from you like the plague.
Elaine: I will not be handled! I told you that when I took the job, and it still goes, and if that's not the job... I don't want the position anyway!
Rupert Dibbs: OK, that's fine, that's fine Miss Mimi Kravitz! Professional actress!
Elaine: You know, you got a real effort for the jugular here...
Rupert Dibbs: I like the last one. A liar, a liar is perfect.
Elaine: No! Come on, that guy was kind of soft on me...
Rupert Dibbs: And why shouldn't he? You're a very beautiful woman.
Elaine: Thank you. But he'll never come back without his friend.
Rupert Dibbs: Don't worry about his friend. He's not going anywhere. His ass is mine for bail money.
Elaine: What happened?
Rupert Dibbs: I caught the schmuck stealing Abe's credit cards! He won't be a problem. Drink?
Elaine: Yeah, sure.
George: Elaine, I am not your husband. I am... a Volvo Salesman...
Therapist: George, we have a nice man coming by to take you to the theater, the musuem, help you re-introduce yourself to the world. Are you ready for that, George?
George: I don't know.
Therapist: What did you tell me the other day? You said, I'm a Ready Teddy Yo! What did you say yesterday?
George: I'm a ready teddy yo.
Therapist: Are you afraid, George? That you'll go out there and start lying again?
Phil: [in a crazy English accent] No, No. He's just afraid of lyin. Isn't that right, Pinoch?
Phil: Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha! He starts lyin', then his nose starts growin', I hate it when that happens. Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Therapist: Now that's enough Phil, you let him talk.
Brad: Nah, he's afraid he'll see his old girlfried, and he won't be able to get it up.
Therapist: Is that true George?
George: No! Anyway, she dumped me.
Therapist: Why did she dump you, George?
Male patient: [stands up and points at George] She dumped you because you told her you were a brain surgeon!
Therapist: Did you tell her that, George?
Therapist: What did you tell her?
George: Told her I was a paratrooper in the navy seals.
Phil: [in a Peter Falk Columbo voice] Wait! Are you saying that this man is not in our armed service? Did you know this? I didn't know this! I have egg on my face!
Therapist: George, George why did you feel like you had to lie to her?
George: Oh! She never would have looked at me twice if I had told her I was a Volvo Salesman for Horsch Muller!
Therapist: The guys put a little something together for you George, to help give you confidence in your new life.
Phil: [in William Shatner's voice] Very well Mister Spock. Gentleman, set your phasers on stun.
Tim: Ha Ha!
Phil: [still in William Shatner's voice] George, on behalf of my entire crew, Spock, Bones, Scotty
[makes the hand motions for emphasis]
Phil: We'd like to present to you a little gift we picked up on Rigel 4. It's our way of saying, good luck out there in the world. God Speed, show 'em what you're made of mister!
Tim: [makes the Vulcan hand sign for greetings and goodbye]
Phil: [still in the William Shatner voice] Live Long and Prosper! Go where no *man*, has... gone before!
Therapist: Phil, for God's sakes! Put a sock in it, will ya?
Phil: I was simply sayin...
[trails off and sits down as he finishes the last word, like a toy with its battery pulled]
George: [George begins to open the tall box Phil placed on his lap] I can honestly say I didn't expect to get...
[opens the box]
George: a hat!
[the gift is a tall top hat much like Abe Lincoln wore during his presidency]
Tim: It's an Honest Abe hat.
Brad: Yeah, its to house your mickey, after a busy day of lyin'!
Therapist: I know it doesn't look like much George, but the fellas did work pretty hard on it.
George: I'm not ashamed of this hat! Far from it! I'm gonna wear this hat! I'm not afraid anymore!
George: I'm ready for my new life!
Therapist: Then say it, George!
George: I'm a ready teddy yo!
Elaine: What on earth have you got in that foolish-looking little bag?
George: My raincoat and rubbers.
George: [Elaine undresses] I have to, I have to...
George: I have to, I have to...
George: I have to, I have to...
George: I'm honor breast to tell you the titty whoth.
Elaine: Angela didn't forewarn you about her implants, did she?
George: Honest truth.
Elaine: Did you find out in bed? Or, did they rattle when you danced?
George: Good evening, honey. Um, you know, as we look towards the east and see a united Deutschland it behooves us to stop and think about what walls can do. Walls between nations. Walls between peoples. And walls between you and me, Elaine. But, if that darn wall in Berlin-town can come down, then, maybe, it is not too much to expect the wall between us to come down, too. Who knows? Maybe it just takes a dance. Or, a glance. Or a chance, to sing a song. I call this, Yodelaine... Yo-del-e-laine, my hearts a flame, Yodeli-Yodeliane-Yodeli-Yodeli-o-eli, Yodelaine, I'm not insane, Yodeli-Yodeliani-i-i...
George: I want to know everything about you and I'd like you to know all about me, too. Because we might just find out that we have a heck of a lot in common.
Elaine: What? What? What could we have in common?
George: Basil! I love basil. You like basil, Elaine?
Elaine: It doesn't sweep me off my feet.
George: Alright, try this, my favorite color is brown, I subscribe to the Reader's Digest, I love yodeling, and my favorite food is wiener schnitzel mit rotkraut and kartoffel. You like wiener schnitzel mit rotkraut and kartoffel? You do! I-I-I hit a bone. I hit a nerve. I hit something. I can see it in your eyes. You like it too. I'm going to win you over, Elaine. You'll see. I'm going to romance you and I'll wine you and I'll dine you and one day you're going to feel about me, the way I feel about you.