The Addams Family (1991)
Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
[Wednesday is hooking up an electric chair]
Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Wednesday: So we can play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"
Wednesday: I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else.
Morticia: Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again!
Morticia: Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday: I'm going to electrocute him.
Morticia: But we're late for the charity auction.
Wednesday: But, Mother...
Morticia: I said no.
Morticia: Oh, all right.
Gomez: [about Morticia] I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
Morticia: Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.
[Looking for something in a wardrobe]
Morticia: "Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe." "Uncle Niknak's summer wardrobe." "Uncle Niknak."
Morticia: When we first met years ago, it was an evening much like this. Magic in the air. A boy.
Gomez: A girl.
Morticia: An open grave. It was my first funeral.
Gomez: You were so beautiful. Pale and mysterious. No one even looked at the corpse.
Morticia: Have you spoken to her parents?
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Well, Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpurnia Addams.
Morticia: Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They said she danced naked in the town square and enslaved the minister.
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Really?
Morticia: Oh, yes. But don't worry. We've told Wednesday college first.
Morticia: And our credo: "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc." We gladly feast on those who would subdue us. Not just pretty words.
Wednesday: Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle, not even for a vacation. Everyone knows that.
Dr. Pinderschloss: Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand. The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.
Grandmama: Even with a chainsaw.
Sally Jessy Raphael: So, you claim that your son was brainwashed by voodoo witch doctors and forced to recruit others? Let's take a call.
Gomez: Hello, Sally?
Sally Jessy Raphael: Mr. Addams, *please* stop calling! We do not know where they meet!
Gomez: We danced the Mamushka while Nero fiddled, we danced the Mamushka at Waterloo. We danced the Mamushka for Jack the Ripper, and now, Fester Addams, this Mamushka is for you.
Gomez: To live without you, only that would be torture.
Morticia: A day alone, only that would be death.
Judge: [at the auction] This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and fifteen emerald chips. It was donated by Morticia and Gomez... Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.
[Gomez and Morticia look fondly at Grandmama]
Judge: I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars.
Gomez: Five - , hah! Not good enough. Twenty thousand!
Margaret: [frantic] What are they *doing*?
Judge: I have twenty.
Gomez: Cara mia?
Morticia: Mon sauvage.
Gomez: [voice cracks] Thirty-five!
Gomez: Eres divina.
Morticia: Mm, fifty!
Judge: I have fifty thousand dollars.
Morticia: [to Gomez] Your turn, my ecstasy.
Judge: Fifty thousand going once, fifty thousand going twice. Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty... thousand... dollars.
[looks disgusted as Gomez and Morticia do something obscene]
Morticia: About the séance tonight, I wish you'd come. It's Gomez I'm terribly worried about. He won't eat, he can't sleep, he keeps coughing up blood.
Margaret: He coughs up blood?
Morticia: Well, not like he used to...
[performing abridged "Hamlet" in school play; sword fighting]
Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.
Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!
[Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]
Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
[drops both swords and falls to her knees]
Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!
[choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]
Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]
Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!
Gomez: Look at her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
Gomez: [Morticia wakes up] Unhappy, darling?
Morticia: Oh, yes. Yes completely.
Morticia: Gomez... Sun. Il me perce comme un poignard.
Gomez: Oh, Tish. That's French.
Gomez: Cara mia.
[kisses Morticia's hand]
Gomez: En garde, Monsieur Soleil!
Morticia: Last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again.
Gomez: [watching home movies] Remember that fateful night?
Uncle Fester: Of course... Your first cigar!
Gomez: What? Come on, Old Man, I've smoked since I was five. Mother insisted.
Margaret: You are too precious for words, why I could just... eat you alive!
Morticia: Oh no, Margaret! Too young!
[Gordon, Craven and Tully keep trying to open the Addams Family Vault. For the umpteenth time, the house's booby traps dump them outside the house]
Abigail Craven: You are doing this on purpose!
Uncle Fester: [sarcastic] That's right, Mother, isn't this fun!
Tully Alfford: I'll race you back.
Gomez: [playing with his trains and furiously contemplating things] He wore that finger trap for two years. Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet. And the combination, and the password, and my cigar, and he slept so well!
Gomez: Think of it, Thing. For twenty-five years we've attempted to contact Fester in the great beyond, and for twenty-five years, nothing. I'm beginning to think my brother truly is lost.
[as they examine a rare and valuable heirloom Morticia is about to donate to charity]
Grandmama: Let's keep it!
Morticia: Hush, mama! It's for charity! Widows and orphans. We need more of them.
Judge: [after a golf ball is hit through his window] Damn you, Addams!
Gomez: Sorry about the window, Judge. Keep the ball, I have a whole bucket full.
Judge: You moron!
[to Pugsley, who is tied up, mumbling urgently around an apple in his mouth]
Wednesday: Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.
[she levels a crossbow]
[Pugsley is strapped in the electric chair]
Wednesday: [Cranking the switches] It has to warm up.
Wednesday: So it can kill you.
Pugsley: I knew that.
Gomez: [as he helps Morticia out of a trap] Leather straps, red-hot pokers!
Morticia: Later, my dearest.
Gomez: [to his family] They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with God as my witness, I am that fool!
Gomez: [as they search for Wednesday] Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Lurch, check out the bottomless pit. Fester?
Uncle Fester: [from a window] Up here!
Gomez: [shouting up to him] Fester, you take the ravine, and the unmarked, abandoned well!
Uncle Fester: Somebody should stay behind in case she comes back.
Gomez: Good man. Good thinking!
Grandmama: Then who'll take the swamp?
Gomez: [Thing taps Gomez's shoe] That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!
Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?
Wednesday: He's only a child.
Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery. The jugular.
Uncle Fester: Children, look. Great-Aunt Lavinia! She was beheaded by her own children!
Margaret: [Questioning the absence of a Halloween costume] What are you, darling? Where's your costume?
Wednesday: This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac. They look just like everybody else.
Gomez: [playing with his trains and furiously contemplating things] "How do you take it off"? That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!
[to Gomez, watching Pugsley sleep]
Morticia: It's so sweet. He looks just like a little entrée.
Dr. Pinderschloss: Love/hate, hate/love. Like for mama, no?
Gomez: But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident!
Gomez: [after landing on a dock] Smell that air, Fester! Like a tomb.
[Thing is gesturing wildly]
Gomez: Mor... Morticia... Morticia? Morticia what? Slow down! It's terrible when you stutter!
[Thing gropes around, finds a pen, and starts to write, but it's out of ink. Groping around again, Thing overturns a bowl of cereal, grabs the spoon, and starts tapping in Morse Code]
Gomez: Morticia... in... danger... stop. Send... help... at once... STOP!
[Gomez stands and runs out. Thing collapses]
Gomez: [playing with his trains and praying to God] Spirits above me, give me a sign. Shall I be joyous... or shall I be damned?
Dr. Pinderschloss: Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to mother!
Uncle Fester: I'll never listen to you, never, ever again!
Dr. Pinderschloss: I had to be strict with you because I cared! Put it down!
Uncle Fester: You never really loved me!
Gomez: Fester, this way!
Dr. Pinderschloss: Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!
Uncle Fester: You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!
[Fester opens the book, and a hurricane is unleashed inside the house, causing Tully and Dr. Pinderschloss to launch out the window]
Uncle Fester: [reading a book] Look, children. A new chapter.
Morticia: [to Tully, as he is torturing her] You've done this before.
Gomez: [to Fester] Two, ten, eleven. Eyes, fingers, toes!
Gomez: [he has thrown a sword and pierced the wall not but two inches from Tully's head] Ah, missed!
Dr. Pinderschloss: Have you tried hard enough? Ask him, sweetheart!
Tully Alfford: No, no, no, sweetheart. Don't ask!
Dr. Pinderschloss: [as Gomez and Morticia are about to kiss each other] Knock it off.
Gomez: [to Morticia] You bewitched me. I proposed that very night.
Gomez: [sees Flora and Fauna] I'm blinded by such beauty.
Uncle Fester: [being apologetic to his "mother"] It was just a party. It's over. It means nothing. The Siamese twins, the hunchback, Cousin It, they're not *you*.
Dr. Pinderschloss: [after the party in Fester's honour] Gordon, I don't understand this. Let me get this clear. Have you been having a good time?
Uncle Fester: [jubilant] Yes, I have! It was marvelous. I sang up a storm! And I danced 'till I dropped! The Mamushka!
Morticia: Why don't you speak to Fester, darling? He's right outside the door.
Gomez: I would speak with Fester if that *were* Fester. But that is *not*! That is an *impostor*! An *impostor*!
Morticia: [to Thing] There it is. Just what we've been searching for. Thank you, Thing.
Morticia: [to Wednesday and Pugsley at the séance] Children, we're starting. Put down that antenna.
Uncle Fester: What is this?
Morticia: Mama's spécialité de la maison.
Gomez: Oh, Tish.
Grandmama: [to Fester] Start with the eyes.
Halloween Children: Trick or...
[they see Lurch and scream]
Morticia: [to Flora and Fauna] Flora, Fauna, how can I compete? You're twice the woman I am.
Gomez: [Playing with the train set, ranting about Fester's finger-trap] How do you take it off? That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!
Morticia: [In the room below, Morticia is reading a bedtime story to Wednesday and Pugsley. She looks up at the noise] Oh, no.
Pugsley: Father's playing with his trains.
Gomez: He wore that finger-trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet! And the combination! AND the password! And my cigar! And he slept so well!
[Thing bangs his fist as Gomez speeds up the trains]
Pugsley: He's using the diesel!
Wednesday: [Looking horrified, as the train approaches a bridge] The covered bridge!
Morticia: [Horrified, as the train runs through a ravine] Dead Man's Curve!
[Grandmama looks up exasperatedly then continues read Gray's Anatomy. Lurch looks up as he darns his socks. A man on the train looks up as Gomez laughs maniacally]
Wednesday: It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?
Morticia: [Looks up as Fester passes through a pipe. Her eyes narrow]
[as the trains approach each other]
Gomez: Spirits above me... Give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned?
[Trains collide and explode in front of Gomez's face]
Abigail Craven: They're not your family, I am. They don't love you, I do. They're evil, and corrupt, and degraded. I can give you that!
Grandmama: Aah! Aaaaaaah!
Grandmama: [lifting something from her cooking pot] Who put this in here?
Grandmama: [Pugsley and Fester laugh] That's for company.
Gomez: Little rascals.